Really just a vent. Dad vs. Step Dad

baileyleev

So I think I may have posted about this before (and skip to the bottom for the Cliffs Note Version)

My dad and step dad have both been very involved in my life since I can remember. Neither one was "better" than the other. My parents had joint custody so I saw my bio-dad slightly less, but still very often.

So now i have to decide who to walk me down the aisle. My mom had suggested having them both do it, and that seemed like a decent compromise, BUT I know that my bio-dad would be very very hurt to share that experience with my step dad. After all, he is my DAD, and doesn't have any other children. 

On the other hand, my mom says my step-dad will be crushed if I don't ask him (she's not very helpful, even though I feel she should be somewhat of a "buffer" for dealing with this between him and I). But he has another daughter (my younger sister) that he will get to experience this with, and I thought maybe I could ask him to do a reading instead. 

Anyway, it's getting to crunch time and i need to decide who's feelings to hurt and I am just confused and hurt that I am having to decide who I want to hurt on MY wedding day. (Yes I know this is our day and I should do what I want, but this is a decision that will probably have consequences beyond the one day.)

Summary: Not sure who should walk me down the aisle, my dad or step dad, or both. My mom is not helpful, and I know either situation will hurt one of them. 

cgosselin

I am in the same boat as yourself, to a degree. My stepfather and mother married when I was 2, so he has been a HUGE part of my life, and I call (and consider him) dad. I also have a relationship with my biological aad as well, and when I was younger, I went to his house every other weekend and alternate Holidays. Truth be told, I am closer to my stepfather than my biological father. However, I couldn't imagine NOT including my biological father in the wedding, so I have decided I will have them both walk me down on each side of me....

Another alternative is to have one walk you down halfway and the other the rest..I also considered this, but have decided against it because I don't want to insult one over the other.

At the end of the day, it is YOUR wedding, but I understand the frustration....best of luck to you on this, and if you come up with other ideas, feel free to let me know, I'm open to others as well.

emarston1

If you're set on only one dad doing it and they are "equal" with each other in terms of how good they were to you growing up, etc, I think it should be your bio dad IMO.  He's your dad.  And while it's awesome that your step dad has been there for you growing up, so has your father and it's not your fault that your parents split all those years ago.  I also think it's a little mean for your mom to guilt you saying stepdad will be crushed.  I think he's a grown adult and should understand that step families have lots of crazy dynamics and not take it so personally.  But again, that's just my two cents.

Could you maybe have two father/daughter dances at the reception?  That way you can still do something special with him?

Meegles4

I like Liz's way of thinking. I was also going to suggest that one walk you down the aisle and one do the father/daughter dance with you. That sort of splits it up. Perhaps they can choose which one they do with you if you feel like they'd have an opinion about that.

Good luck!

baileyleev

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_really-just-vent-dad-vs-step-dad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:88Discussion:c9fa8318-9762-4b27-bcfd-9a5e73247be1Post:e80c7d95-88fc-4d59-a71b-132a99abb6ba">Re: Really just a vent. Dad vs. Step Dad</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're set on only one dad doing it and they are "equal" with each other in terms of how good they were to you growing up, etc, I think it should be your bio dad IMO.  He's your dad.  And while it's awesome that your step dad has been there for you growing up, so has your father and it's not your fault that your parents split all those years ago.  I also think it's a little mean for your mom to guilt you saying stepdad will be crushed.  I think he's a grown adult and should understand that step families have lots of crazy dynamics and not take it so personally.  But again, that's just my two cents. <strong>Could you maybe have two father/daughter dances at the reception?  That way you can still do something special with him?</strong>
Posted by emarston1[/QUOTE]
thanks Liz! I was starting to feel like maybe I was crazy, but this is exactly what I had in mind! I certainly don't want to not include my step dad, but I don't want to hurt my dad in the process. <div>
</div><div>(and yes, definitely a little mean of my mom...this is also the same mother that told me she wouldn't go dress shopping with me if my step mom came.  Real nice...so we need to treat my step dad as equal to my dad, and my step mom as a second class citizen. The have both been around my whole life basically, ugh annoying.)</div>

acaponi87

I was also thinking 2 daddy-daughter dances. I'm sure your step-dad would understand if your bio-dad walked you and like you said, step has another daughter. Make sure you get pictures with both!

Sue-n-Kevin

"Another alternative is to have one walk you down halfway and the other the rest..I also considered this, but have decided against it because I don't want to insult one over the other."

I was going to suggest this as well...........if you are doing programs you could say something like "One dad got me through the start of my life, the other dad was there later", or something to that effect.

It has to be hard. I know my daughter will always want her daddy to walk her down the aisle. Kevin would consider it abnormal to be asked.

I think the 2 dances are a great way to honor both.

Good luck.

xoxohispanicgirl

I wish that was still a problem for me, my step-dad of 28 years passed away in 2003 so now that isn't an issue anymore   My original plan (back then) was to have my mother walk me down for 2 reasons:  1)  I could never choose one over the other; and 2)  Throughout my entire life, my mother has been the constant in my life.  When I get married in May, both of my parents will walk me down the aisle and I will have an empty chair with 1 red rose for my step-dad.

bitsi420

I am definately having this problem too!! My step dad is kind of a drama king and both my dad and step dad have other daughters. So instead i'm having my mom walk me down the aisle. But I haven't figured out what to do about the father-daughter dance yet. I thought about just not having it.