Rehearsal Dinner Question

audubonbride2013

Would you invite children of out of town guests (at least a plan ride away) to your rehearsal dinner if you are not inviting them to your wedding?

Background: We are having our wedding in the area that I grew up in, but much of FI's extended family will be flying in for the wedding (if they are able to make it).  We limited our wedding guestlist to exclude children (under 18) except my two nieces since they will be our flower girls.  

My future in-laws are generous enough to pay for our RD.  My FI and I did not discuss RD guestlist with his parents until this past weekend, but they are well aware of our wedding guestlist.  

Anyway, on thanksgiving my FI's great aunt and his mom's cousin informed us that they are planning to drive up to the wedding area (about 3 hour drive) Friday afternoon, attend the rehearsal dinner Friday night, the ceremony Saturday, and drive home immediately after the ceremony since my FI's mom's cousin's kids aren't invited to the wedding but are invited to the rehearsal.  This was the first time we had heard anything about kids being invited to the RDl or really anyone being invited to the RD.  

Personally my FI and I would be happy with a small RD of just people invoved in the wedding and their guests.  After discussing the guestlist on Saturday we understand his mom wants a bigger RD with all his close family flying in Friday and she wants to invite the kids, but we have a few concerns.  

First, we didn't envision inviting kids since they're not invited to the wedding, but apparently his mom has already been communicating with her family about including their kids (these are all distant relatives like cousin's kids) in the RD.  

Second, we are concerned people might view the RD as more important than our wedding reception since their kids are included.  

Third, we're worried that other people may do what his great aunt is planning on doing and just attend the RD and ceremony then leave.

Sorry for such a long post.  I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by this, because my FI and I hadn't planned on starting RD plans until February.

Xstatic3333

That is a really good question!  I have no idea if is appropriate to invite kids to the RD in this situation, but I will be really curious to hear what other people have to say.  This situation will apply to me as well; as several members of our WP have children and we are not inviting children except for our flower girls.  They all have local, doting, grandmas and grandpas so I wasn't too worried about how it would go for the wedding, but with the RD it would be two nights in a row they had to leave their children.  

If you are feeling brave, this could be a good question for the Etiquette board.  I read it frequently since my family has very little wedding experience and I want to "get it right", but I can't recall ever seeing a question like this on there before.

I guess the approach we will probably take (we are hosting our own RD and keeping it to WP, immediate family, and dates/spouses) is to ask if they would like to bring their child to the RD or not.  Most of the kids involved for us will be VERY young (infant to 3) and wouldn't need full meals, so that makes it easier.  We both love our friends' kids, and are limiting the actual wedding for fianancial reasons, not a preference for adults-only.  In your case, since your FMIL is hosting and has already verbally invited the children, I think you may be stuck.  It would have been nice of her to consult with you first before doing this, but who knows.  It may be that this is just how things are "done" in her family and she didn't even think twice about it.  

Ashelton09

This is a good question that unfortantely I'm not sure of how to answer. The only advice I can give you is I know every RD I have attended the only kids there were involved in the wedding. This is also how it is going to be at our RD. To me, and maybe this is wrong, but I would not want to invite anybody to any of the pre-wedding parties (engagement, shower, bachlorette, RD) that wasn't invited to the wedding. Only because I would feel bad about it. 

If I was in your situation I would talk to his parents about it, or have your FI talk to them. 

audubonbride2013

Thanks for the help!  I'm going to have my FI discuss it further with his parents since I don't feel comfortable inviting kids to the RD that aren't invited to the wedding.  I also don't want his family to think the RD is more important than the wedding if their kids can go to the RD.

RailWayWife

I personally dont think anyone will think the RD is more important than the wedding. I honestly havent even thought of the RD too much yet, though ours will just be a casual burger and fries kinda thing served by the wedding venue. Personally I don't really care who shows up to the RD, the more the merrier in my eyes.