New York-Hudson Valley

Re: Vent Day

  • edited December 2011
    dear dh, 

    you left a mess before you went away for the week and you're wife is not happy!!!!

    love, 
    mean wife
    imageBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Hello. I've waited here for you. Everlong<3<br>
  • edited December 2011
    Dear FI ,

    STOP SNORING!

    I love you,
    Your Restless fiancee
    Part of That World Blog
    my read shelf:Jennifer (JSweetieXO) Cepero's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • probablykateprobablykate member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sorry in advance that this is long...

    I am a little stressed today about wedding expenses.  I am very lucky in that my parents have offered to cover most of the wedding expenses.  When we first began looking at venues they told me not to worry about a budget, just to focus on finding a place that I liked.  They were completely involved with the venue selection process so were aware of the costs, and I actually ended up booking one of the cheapest rates of the places we were looking at. 

    I met with DJs & photographers last weekend and am making the decisions this week.  Everything was going fine until I mentioned that I was thinking about booking a DJ that is about $900 more expensive than another one we looked at that we also liked.

    All of a sudden my Dad got weird and said he wanted to hold off and look at the amounts.

    After he looked at the budget he said to go ahead with the DJ we wanted.  I said something about how I'm glad he took the time to look at the spreadsheet I had put together because I really wanted to make sure they were comfortable with the costs before moving forward.  He said "I don't think anyone is comfortable with the costs, but it's fine, go ahead."

    That really made me feel like crap.  I think what he is trying to say, and I feel the same way, is that it isn't that they would be going into debt to pay for this or anything like that, but that it just seems like an awful lot of money.

    Most of the cost is in the venue, and that's already booked so there's no use questioning the decision now.  The DJ and photographer I chose aren't the cheapest, but I think they are really good mid-range options.  I am planning on going pretty cheap or at least reasonable with other vendors/expenses.  I even offered to have the rehearsal dinner catered at their house to save money, but my mom didn't like the idea!

    I feel like I am getting mixed signals from them and I feel strange about it.  I've been used to supporting myself for years now and I think it feels strange taking all this money from them.  I feel a little bit like a brat complaining about this, since I know that some brides don't get any financial help from their parents. 

    Any ideas?  How did you deal with "sticker shock?"  I know I need to talk with them about it, but my Dad is the one who seems uncomfortable and he is very difficult to talk to about this type of thing.  I am trying to think of a good approach.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-hudson-valley_vent-day-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:113Discussion:accef6f2-2e16-4888-a123-e9b03f3a79f8Post:69377314-2793-430f-bbd5-3319d203aa34">Re: Vent Day</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry in advance that this is long... I am a little stressed today about wedding expenses.  I am very lucky in that my parents have offered to cover most of the wedding expenses.  When we first began looking at venues they told me not to worry about a budget, just to focus on finding a place that I liked.  They were completely involved with the venue selection process so were aware of the costs, and I actually ended up booking one of the cheapest rates of the places we were looking at.  I met with DJs & photographers last weekend and am making the decisions this week.  Everything was going fine until I mentioned that I was thinking about booking a DJ that is about $900 more expensive than another one we looked at that we also liked. All of a sudden my Dad got weird and said he wanted to hold off and look at the amounts. After he looked at the budget he said to go ahead with the DJ we wanted.  I said something about how I'm glad he took the time to look at the spreadsheet I had put together because I really wanted to make sure they were comfortable with the costs before moving forward.  He said "I don't think anyone is comfortable with the costs, but it's fine, go ahead." That really made me feel like crap.  I think what he is trying to say, and I feel the same way, is that it isn't that they would be going into debt to pay for this or anything like that, but that it just seems like an awful lot of money. Most of the cost is in the venue, and that's already booked so there's no use questioning the decision now.  The DJ and photographer I chose aren't the cheapest, but I think they are really good mid-range options.  I am planning on going pretty cheap or at least reasonable with other vendors/expenses.  I even offered to have the rehearsal dinner catered at their house to save money, but my mom didn't like the idea! I feel like I am getting mixed signals from them and I feel strange about it.  I've been used to supporting myself for years now and I think it feels strange taking all this money from them.  I feel a little bit like a brat complaining about this, since I know that some brides don't get any financial help from their parents.  Any ideas?  How did you deal with "sticker shock?"  I know I need to talk with them about it, but my Dad is the one who seems uncomfortable and he is very difficult to talk to about this type of thing.  I am trying to think of a good approach.
    Posted by probablykate[/QUOTE]

    Honestly there is no way to deal with Sticker shock,your parents shouldnt be making you feel bad,im sure when they offered to help they had a little bit of an idea on how much a wedding these days cost.To help make yourself feel better mabye you could offer to pay some of the costs for the wedding.My parents paid for my entire even and although they never said anything i felt terrible and still do about them shelling out that much money.Mabye you should sit down with them and discuss what would be a reasonable budget for the rest of the things that you need.
  • probablykateprobablykate member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-hudson-valley_vent-day-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:113Discussion:accef6f2-2e16-4888-a123-e9b03f3a79f8Post:af438106-43ab-416b-be9c-1af7c2bfa83e">Re: Vent Day</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent Day : Honestly there is no way to deal with Sticker shock,your parents shouldnt be making you feel bad,im sure when they offered to help they had a little bit of an idea on how much a wedding these days cost.To help make yourself feel better mabye you could offer to pay some of the costs for the wedding.My parents paid for my entire even and although they never said anything i felt terrible and still do about them shelling out that much money.Mabye you should sit down with them and discuss what would be a reasonable budget for the rest of the things that you need.
    Posted by Jenni83[/QUOTE]

    Thanks, yeah I was thinking about offering to give them some of the money I will get as presents from the wedding, but I have a feeling they will say no need.  At least then I will feel like I offered.  It's sad that it's difficult to have a nice traditional wedding without shelling out a lot of dough (extreme DIY brides feel free to disagree here) and then feeling guilty about how much it costs. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-hudson-valley_vent-day-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:113Discussion:accef6f2-2e16-4888-a123-e9b03f3a79f8Post:c5a35592-e39c-4887-a5d8-92c381a33e3a">Re: Vent Day</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent Day : Thanks, yeah I was thinking about offering to give them some of the money I will get as presents from the wedding, but I have a feeling they will say no need.  At least then I will feel like I offered.  It's sad that it's difficult to have a nice traditional wedding without shelling out a lot of dough (extreme DIY brides feel free to disagree here) and then feeling guilty about how much it costs. 
    Posted by probablykate[/QUOTE]

    I feel ya weddings used to be about $3,000 back in the day now its hard to have a traditional wedding for under $30,000.Atleast if you offer to pay and they say no you can feel better about it bc you asked.
  • edited December 2011
    Hi Kate -

    When they offered to "cover most of they wedding expenses" did they have any idea how much the wedding you were planning was going to cost?

    Like Jenni said, this area isn't cheap but people can and do have 5,000 or 10, 000 weddings as often as people have 20, 000 or 30,000 ones.

    What did they think yours was going to come to when it was all factored in?

    Also, did they mean they they'll cover most every thing? Or the reception hall?

    Looking at theknot budget (and most books) guidelines, the reception hall is THE single most expensive expense. And usually is about 50% of the budget.

    We were very grateful that my parents offered to cover the reception hall (and they bought my dress) but DH and I paid for the rest ourselves. (My mom also paid for part of the flowers because she told me I had to use a specific person).

    At our ages, we didn't feel that we could make my parents pay for every single "wedding" thing. However, we were extremely appreciative of the reception.

    You mentioned that since you have been supporting yourself for so many years, that you don't feel right about taking the money. If they want to give you the wedding of your dreams, thsat's great! But if they are going to go into financial difficulty, then its not fair to them.

    Offer to cover some of the expenses yourselves. But don't "offer to cover some expenses" say, we'll cover photo, DJ etc. Be specific. that way, you can get the vendors you want with out your parents wondering why you have to go with someone so expensive.

    Because even if the person you like is in the middle of the range, there is always someone out there that's less expensive.

    Good luck! Hope it works out!


    ps - A wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime. But even still, no wedding is worth going into debt for.

  • probablykateprobablykate member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-hudson-valley_vent-day-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:113Discussion:accef6f2-2e16-4888-a123-e9b03f3a79f8Post:be7e5562-96fd-4ee6-8f9f-fcee6b97320f">Re: Vent Day</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi Kate - When they offered to "cover most of they wedding expenses" did they have any idea how much the wedding you were planning was going to cost? Like Jenni said, this area isn't cheap but people can and do have 5,000 or 10, 000 weddings as often as people have 20, 000 or 30,000 ones. What did they think yours was going to come to when it was all factored in? Also, did they mean they they'll cover most every thing? Or the reception hall? Looking at theknot budget (and most books) guidelines, the reception hall is THE single most expensive expense. And usually is about 50% of the budget. We were very grateful that my parents offered to cover the reception hall (and they bought my dress) but DH and I paid for the rest ourselves. (My mom also paid for part of the flowers because she told me I had to use a specific person). At our ages, we didn't feel that we could make my parents pay for every single "wedding" thing. However, we were extremely appreciative of the reception. You mentioned that since you have been supporting yourself for so many years, that you don't feel right about taking the money. If they want to give you the wedding of your dreams, thsat's great! But if they are going to go into financial difficulty, then its not fair to them. Offer to cover some of the expenses yourselves. But don't "offer to cover some expenses" say, we'll cover photo, DJ etc. Be specific. that way, you can get the vendors you want with out your parents wondering why you have to go with someone so expensive. Because even if the person you like is in the middle of the range, there is always someone out there that's less expensive. Good luck! Hope it works out! ps - A wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime. But even still, no wedding is worth going into debt for.
    Posted by TerriandJoe[/QUOTE]

    This is what's frusterating me, they refused to get into budget specifics when we started the planning process.  I asked for at least a ballpark of what they were willing to pay, and my Dad told me not to worry about budget, to look for a place that I liked and they would let me know if it got to be too much. 

    Maybe this is his way of saying that maybe it's getting to be too much?  I guess that's what I need to clarify. 

    They were very involved in the venue selection process.  I kept them updated about the places we were considering, the places that we scheduled with, and they came to all of the meetings with the venues, so they were well aware of the venue cost before we booked it. 

    I think it is a good idea to offer to pay for some specific parts.  I should probably spend some time getting some more budget estimates for other expenses and then maybe we can schedule a time to go over it in more detail.

    Thanks for the advice!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
  • probablykateprobablykate member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you, this definitely helped clarify my thioughts.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards