If you need to force BF to go ring shopping, you prob shouldn't marry him...

foolforfood

Hello lovelies!  I need to vent a little here.  I have a friend who's been dating this guy for 2 years.  Most of her GFs are already married and I guess she feels left out.  After months of prodding, she finally convinced her BF to go ring shopping.  Now, I don't know every single detail about their relationship, but if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't feel 100% confident about marrying a guy who doesn't take the lead in regards to wedding talk, rings, etc.

I feel like she's prematurely forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do, and she'll feel the repercussions big time later on.  Or maybe I'm just being too pessimistic. 

So here's my question:  in your relationship, who initiated talks re: marriage?  Did your FI/DH need much convincing?  Was it a struggle to get him to commit?  I feel like I'm a bystander in a true life version of "He's Just Not That Into You."

EKobrenski

I put the third one...we had been dating for 8 years when we got engaged, so we had both been talking about it for like 5 years...I'm  not sure who brought it up first.  We were young so it seemed far away in the future.  We wanted to get married right after FI finished grade school and in June, so we actually had a date picked before we got engaged (which is weird).  Def not traditional, but I guess you could say neither of us took the lead.  FI did propose last New Year's before we started planning and bought my ring without prodding though.

Bottom line- yeah it's weird she had to prod him.

MeaghanandMichael

I hear you sista. Seriously, this shiiit is happening left and right in our group of friends. My college roommate gave her bf and ultimatum on the ring. (Hello, they are 25, NOT 45). He literally bought the ring on his way home from work on the day of the ultimatium, got the biggest rock he could for the money (it is a really bad stone), and called my husband on the way there to ask for advice about financing the ring (Mike said don't and of course the kid went ahead and did it anyway).

Part of me has my blood boiling that he could care so little over the proposal, but part of me thinks she is getting what she deserves.  I have NO idea why you would marry a guy like that.

But I feel that way over people who say their fiance could care less about wedding planning. Not every guy cares about linens, or cakes, or whatever... but bar? music? something? I always feel bad for girls who have no help from the guy they are marrying.

jwatts23

I'm trying to remember now but it seemed like we both just started to talk about it way before it happened. We were both just excited to talk about future things together and we knew we wanted to get married- but weren't in a rush since. 

I agree with you Fool, I don't think you need to force someone into ring shopping.  I think asking him to talk about the future is more than fine, normal even, but if he isn't taking the initiative after that I would be concerned we aren't on the same page in terms of timing

And Ekob- I think that's totally normal! One of my BM's had been together with her man for 8+ years and they had always talked about it and had ideas of when the date would before before he gave her the ring!

EKobrenski

What are they going to tell their kids when they ask how he proposed?  Mom gave Dad an ultimatum?

Thanks jwatts!

Also noticed I wrote grade school instead of grad school...oops haha.

jhdance111

I chose the first, but it wasn't a "you must take me ring shopping" in fact, i just told him i was sick of the pressure i was getting from my family, and i knew i wanted to marry him.

after my family stopped nagging him, a few months later he went out on his own, picked my ring out, and proposed.

I'd be weary of that type of situation also, sucky.

MeaghanandMichael

Not that I am a girl to go without an e-ring, but to be honest you DON'T need on to be engaged or married by any means. Talk about these girls using the ring as a signifier or status symbol.

Shazzie116

FI and I were moving in together and I told him that I didn't expect anything soon, but that I didn't want to just move in together and settle into cohabitation. I'm a bit traditional in that regard I guess, and I've seen plenty of friends move in with BFs and then the BF adopted the mindset of "Why do we need to get married?"

We had discussed it for probably 2 years, I think we always kind of knew we were heading in that direction. He's the one that initiated the trip to the jewelry store to look at styles. It was a complete surprise when he proposed 5 months after we moved in. I thought it woudn't be for at least a year. We'd been together 6 years by then, so you can definitely say we took our time and were sure. 

It baffles me that anyone would want to get engaged just because all their friends are getting engaged or married. Every relationship is different and comes into fruition on it's own. The ones that rush it and place ultimatums will suffer. 

Krystalynne21

i used to tease FI that if we were together for 6 years and I didn't get a ring by then, I was walking....Well, I waited 7 yrs an 1 month.  We had been talking about it for about 5 years or so prior to getting engaged, and I am pretty sure FI was going to buy a ring before we found out we were having Reilly and bought the house.  He actually said to me"What's more important to you....a house or a ring?"  I chose the house. I knew the ring would come eventually.  I dropped hints because like other girls, I got sick of everyone asking me .  I even put a picture on the back drop of the computer! I wasn't really in a rush, but it did kind of bother me that friends of mine who had been dating for a year and a half were getting MARRIED before we were even engaged.  In the end it was worth the wait...I do think that if he is that reluctant and not talkking about it, its odd

spuccio

EKobs, I definitely did about 6 double takes when I read your bit about grade school. I can tell my brain is fried--I was sitting here at my desk like Wow! Theyve been together forEVER!

Sigh.

Ian and I knew we wanted to get married shortly after we started dating. We had "loved from afar" (barf) for a couple of years before we were both finally single and could date. We had talked about it a lot. I was of the mind that I didn't need a ring at all, in part because of ethical reasons and diamond mining, and in part because I didn't want to wait the amount of time it would take him to save for it. I'd rather us spend the money on the wedding.

The only nudge I gave him was the idea to wear my grandmother's ring. When he found that the ring was mine to wear if he chose to "give" it to me, he made dinner reservations and got a haircut immediately.

EKobrenski

Yeah, 3 years ago I was all about the ring, but when it came down to it, we wanted a year and a half to plan the wedding, FI would not let me contribute to the ring and we wanted to pay cash, and we didn't want to wait until 2011 (around our 10 year anniversary).

jwatts23

just another comment...I think every situation is different. You do what works for your relationship. I think what's odd is having to FORCE someone because he doesn't seem to even be on the same train of thought as her...that's what would make me nervous!

Shazzie116

Spooch, that reminds me of my grandfather giving me his grandmother's engagement ring, we're talking an OLD ring, before he died. I wanted it to be my engagement ring. I wore it on my pinky because it was so small. So what did I do? I took it off at an airport in Atlanta on my first business trip to test some lotion at The Body Shop. I realized I'd left it on the shelf as my plane was taking off. 

*headdesk*

I called the store as soon as we landed and many times again and they swore they mailed it to me. I never got it. Epic. Life. Fail. 

MeaghanandMichael

Shaz - that is seriously heart breaking!! You poor thing

foolforfood

Oh, I don't disagree with women taking charge, especially when it comes to life altering decisions (after all, we are the superior gender).  I just think it's tragic that a man must be forced into doing something that he obviously doesn't want to do.  It's even more tragic that he doesn't have the balls to stand up for hiimself and just tell her that ring shopping is a bit premature. 

spuccio

That is without a doubt one of the saddest things ever posted on this board, Shazz. :-(

Shazzie116

It was 4 years ago and I don't think I'll ever get over it. But I try to remind myself that my relationship with Gramps was far more important than anything tangible he ever gave me. 

Fool, I agree, it's mighty sad. If the guy can't honestly come out and say he's not ready for that huge step, it's clear that he's lacking any pants in that relationship. How dreary it must be to go through life pantsless. 

spuccio

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_need-force-bf-ring-shopping-prob-shouldnt-marry-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:89Discussion:0fcc4335-0668-4911-ab58-716196ad7fd6Post:1e799e6f-4290-4207-8b82-4bece3093dda">Re: If you need to force BF to go ring shopping, you prob shouldn't marry him...</a>:
[QUOTE]How dreary it must be to go through life pantsless. 
Posted by Shazzie116[/QUOTE]

Indeed, the truest thing ever said.

Knottie6cd98948dcce890b

I can't see force, but I think asking the question "where are we going?" should be allowable. I don't think a force of the hand is the way anyone wants to start their life off with another. Shouldn't it be more about a commitment to the other person rather than how big the ring is anyway?

Shaz, I am crying for you. I wear my grandmother's engagement ring (on my right hand) daily. My grandmother died a year ago September and I don't think I could live with myself. I'm happy to hear you've found a way to accept it and god forbid it happens to me, i hope i'd have your attitude.

deborah2121

Hmmm...this post is making me think about the lifetime version of how I am getting to the altar...LOL....We have been together 7 years, but last year I moved out for a bit.  It was one of the best things I ever did for me and for us.  Of course, his initial response was that he wanted to propose, but thankfully, I dissuaded him.  After we reconnected, we looked at rings at his suggestion 6 months later. 

For me, I did feel enormous pressure from my family as we were "living in sin" for a couple of years. Since I put my families' opinion of me very high on my priority list, I couldn't take the pressure.  I can completely empathize for those who feel the pressure--it was totally overwhelming for me, and I felt as if I was failing or letting my parents down.  And,the truth is, they did see it as letting them down since I moved in with him.  However, I did not feel any kind of pressure after only 2 years, but after the 5 year mark, it got too much. 

And, Shazzie, my heart aches for you.  Ugggg.  Totally sucks.

Wishin986

We first talked about marriage after we had been dating 6 months maybe? I asked him where he saw our relationship going and he said he would be a very lucky man to call me his wife or something similar. 

The next time we talked about it was a couple months later on my 21st birthday (poor choice DH) when he mentioned that he had though of proposing before he moved to California - of course I had no recollection of that conversation - but he mentioned it again the next day so we talked about it. 

After that we both talked to our parents and started discussing it more seriously and pretty much decided to go for it!

october010bride

I totally agree with you fff... I'd be weary of their future relationship if the guy had no plans to go ring shopping.

As for us, once we decided to move in together,about 2 years ago, I stated that I don't want to live together forever without being engaged. That really was the last thing I said about it. So 4 months after we moved in together fi proposed on his own but took me ring shopping the next day so I could pick out what I like (I'm out of control picky).

megandjay

I would not say I 'forced' him, but I def dropped hints! Hints like leaving pics of rings I liked on the computer we share :-) We both talked about marriage and knew we both wanted to be married (we had been living together for two years), but I did give some gentle nudging to get the engagement process started! I do think that some guys need more nudging than others- but an ultimatum is extreme and probably going to lead to issues later on.

Beantown Mama

When I got pregnant we started talking about marriage but decided we wanted to get through having a baby and focus on him for a couple years before we decided whether or not to get married. This summer we just started talking about it again and decided that spring of 2010 was when we wanted it to happen so I started planning before I got the ring.

jonnysbride2010

ohhhh ultimatiums...well just ask FI's brother...he was moving to California two years ago for work and his GF at the time said she wouldn't move to Cali with him without a ring and a Hummer....well she got a crappy cloudy ring and a Hummer and they are still here in RI and not married and not so happy...no thanks

LexiMS

Leading up to the engagement there was def. hint dropping.  We lived together and talked about it since moving in.  Then last Christmas we went to look at rings.  Months went by and NOTHING, so then I started to get a little antsy...you can't go with me and try on diamonds and then leave me hanging.  The FI's job got deferred and I just told him, I would rather he just propose, I dont care about size, I don't care how much he spends.  He just was very nervous about the proposal not being "good enough"

LyssaBella

We were dating for about 6 mnths when my FI starting talking to me about marriage. It was refreshing to me because I always felt it was the girl who brought the subject up. We went and tried on rings, I found one I really liked and that was that. We moved in together at just about the 1 year mark and 4mnths later he surprised me with a proposal and a gorgeous ring! I believe when things are right and meant to be they will fall into place they way they are suppose to. If you have to FORCE someone to go buy you an engagement ring then you need to really take a look into yourself and your relationship and wonder.....is this what I really want for the rest of my life?

I had a friend who did something like this...she gave her now husband an ultimatum...a ring or he moves out. He gave her a ring on Superbowl Sunday 2008 and they got married that October, she immediately got pregnant and they now have a child. Her husband is a GREAT guy, I just put my money on that marriage not lasting cuz everything has to be done HER way. Eventually he is gonna get sick of being a doormat and probably will leave her.

erilouboston

This is a really good post, Fool. It's interesting to read everyone's stories and opinions. For the most part, I agree with everything - I see nothing wrong with a woman initiating a "where are we headed" talk, but you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do - and I feel that if you can, or if you do, you somehow karmically pay for it in the end. I know some girls who beat an engagement over their BF's heads - they are all married now, but it's still early, so who knows how it will all work out.

In our case, Mike and I were both very clear with each other from the beginning that neither one of us wanted to get married. And we were content with that. Then about a year and a half in or so, I started getting crazy pressure from friends and family. Like I was some sort of failure by not getting married and living up to some suburban fantasy they had for themselves, and by extension, me. I struggled with the pressure, I admit, and I did initiate a "where are we headed" talk with him. It came down to the fact that we were happy, regardless of the title you put on it. About 3 years in, I caught him looking at rings and I was completely caught off guard. We discussed it, realized there was only so much looking you could do online, especially since we didn't even really know my ring size, and decided to go look at some "in real life" together. And then... I freaked out. I kept thinking, we're happy just as we are - why can't people just be committed to each other? Why does it need to involve an expensive party and paperwork? So that really put the brakes on everything. And I also made it very clear that, should the time come, I did not want a ring. I considered it a total waste of money. But, a year later, he completely surprised me with a ring and proposal and I realized that was time - that if you want to be with someone for the rest of your life, why wouldn't you want to marry them? 

BTW, ring is in a pouch in my jewelry case. Took it off about a week after the wedding, ha! I was serious when I said I didn't want one. LOVE my wedding band though.

erilouboston

Oh - one story I just have to share, in relation. This guy I know - so he was with this girl for a year or so, and one day, she says they are going out to brunch. They show up, and his parents are there. He's confused. Apparently, his GF told his parents that they got engaged, and they were taking them all out for a celebratory brunch. Um... yeah. So that's how they got engaged, without a proposal. Married now. Not sure for how long...

I've got more, unfortunately.

One of my former best friends, he was in this really abusive relationship (she was abusing him, believe it or not) - one day they are out at the mall and she sees this diamond ring she just has to have. She convinces him to buy it because if he doesn't someone else will (she was already down one finace, BTW). And he did! Thankfully he came to his senses eventually and they are no broken up - turns out she was cheating on him for quite awhile - but she never returned the ring. She said if he wants it back, he'll have to take her to court. Nice.

jkepros

FI started planning his proposal about 2 weeks after we met.    Obviously I had no idea. 

We mutually started talking about getting engaged about 2-2.5 months later, and he proposed about 3.5 months after our first date.

There was definitely no pressure on either side.  I was definitely surprised when he first mentioned anything about marriage (less than a month after we started dating), but I loved him and wasn't opposed

Still no ring (we ordered it Dec 11th and were told 8-10 weeks).  I can't wait to get it though.  I picked out the diamond, designed the whole thing, and designed a matching wedding band.  FI wanted me to come up with my dream ring.

Shazzie116

I suppose it's hard from my perspective (FI and I have been together since the fall of freshman year of college) to understand what it's like in the dating world. I've never had to worry about meeting someone at a bar or at work or on the street....Perhaps some of the pressure is fear of never finding "Mr. Right", so they just want to lock in "Mr. Good-enough-for-right-now". I know that sounds horrible, but with the high rate of divorce these days, perhaps that's the case. I might get flamed for that, but I feel like people don't hold out for true love anymore. They want the ring and the dress without considering the ever after. 

Ok, I'll stop with the cliches now. But I think there's some truth there.