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NEED TO VENT: Trouble with another couple???

Hi Knotties,I haven't been on lately, but I know this is such a supportive and knowledgeable group that I just want to get something off my chest. Hopefully, I can get some honest thoughts and feedback about this situation.My fiance, Paul, and I were recently in a wedding. The groom, let's call him Calvin, is his cousin. They are very close. The bride, let's call her Kathy, is someone that we didn't know too well. They were engaged last January, and married this June. Calvin asked Paul to be his groomsmen, and at the same time, Kathy asked me to be her bridesmaid (out of the mistaken belief that as a couple, we both had to be in the wedding party). Although I didn't know her well, I agreed.Four months later, in May, Paul and I went to Europe and he proposed. When we came back engaged (our date is next May), the couple took us out to dinner to celebrate, and we thought that was a lovely gesture.Over the course of Calvin and Kathy's wedding planning months, we became closer. We got our dresses at the same Running of the Brides event, we went shopping for bridesmaids accessories. Being a designer, I was also asked to design their wedding invitations. The whole bridal party spent many weekends printing, cutting by hand, and assembling 150 DIY wedding invitations with vellum, hand-tied ribbons and charms.Then one day, my fiance's best man overheard something very disturbing. It turns out that Kathy had said to another family member that Paul and I had "only gotten engaged because they had gotten engaged. Or else how do you explain the 2 proposals being months apart?? They are trying to compete with us." My fiance and I felt very betrayed and hurt. Paul said he was very angry; he proposed to me because he loved me, and to have someone question his motives was very hurtful, especially coming from someone who we were going to be related to in the future, and going to be in the bridal party for.So apparently Kathy was never really happy for us getting engaged, and all the while we were helping them with their wedding planning. I got the sense that she thinks the world revolved around them, and that whatever other people do, whether it be getting engaged, or buying a car (which we both did), or buying a house (which we are both going to do) it would always be because they did it first.My fiance and I were very sad. This caused a rift between all of us. Because we are all around the same age, and in the same situations, getting married, buying a house, and starting a family, we really wanted the feelings of happiness to be mutual. Instead of being happy for us, Kathy felt like we were "stealing her thunder" because we were doing the same things they were.We finally confronted them about it, and they grudgingly apologized. We told them how we felt hurt that they felt this way about us, and the apology that I received from Kathy was the most insincere, arms-crossed, frowning gesture that I have ever witnessed.Paul and Calvin are close, so he still continued to be a part of the bridal party, as did I, who wanted to keep family relations civil. I even attended the bridal shower. Well, flash-forward to June of this year.On their wedding day, we helped them out as much as possible to make the day go smoothly. We acted cordial, and everything went well. Of course we wanted to make their wedding day perfect for them.The final nail came last week. Paul and I received a Thank You note from the couple. It said "Your presence was greatly appreciated... Best regards, Calvin and Kathy." Wow, the most impersonal thank you card I have ever seen. I sign letters to business clients with "Best Regards" and more love than that. Thanks guys.But now that it's all over, it's still awkward. We see each other at family gatherings, and Kathy will avoid me like the plague. The whole family knows about what happened, so it is like walking on eggshells around them all the time. I just hate how we know that deep down, there will be a couple at our wedding next year that is not truly happy for us on that day, and is just putting on a face. What I hate even more is that this girl Kathy has broken a life-long close relationship between my fiance and his cousin.Sorry for the long rant, ladies. It just hurts.
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Re: NEED TO VENT: Trouble with another couple???

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    Shazzie116Shazzie116 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and that your FI's relationship with his cousin is hurting. It hurts to find out someone so seemingly close could have such negative feelings in reality, feelings that aren't really based on anything substantial. I hope that over the next few months, you can enjoy your own wedding planning, hopefully you won't have to see them too much, and I'm not sure how big your wedding is, but chances are, if things haven't been mended by then, you'll be so distracted with enjoying your day that you won't even notice her. I don't know what it is about weddings that brings out the competitive side in people. It really boggles my mind. Hang in there, and like I said, enjoy your planning. If Kathy's going to be a miserable person, there's nothing you can do except go on with your life with FI who loves you!
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    edited December 2011
    Um Kathy SUCKS. The hardest part to wrap your head around will be the fact that this is NOT your fault. You did nothing wrong by getting engaged. If anything, you were so helpful. I do not blame you for being hurt at all. I am really sorry. In the end she is jealous. Very jealous. Then, you confronted her and made her face a part of herself she really does not like. It made her resent you even more. I know it hurts but it is time to move on and just be happy you are a good person. Finally, I would totally act like her best friend to her face and make her sweat it out. I love being freinimies with people who dislike me.
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    edited December 2011
    That's so frustrating!  I would be wicked ticked if that happened to me.  That said, I'm sure your FI and his cousin will eventually be ok - they are boys after all and they forget most of this petty crap.  If I were you, I would literally put zero energy toward Kathy when she is being passive aggressive and stupid.  If you really don't care what she's treating you like all that animosity she has toward you will eventually go away because there is nothing feeding the fire.  In your head you can always fondly think of her as the raving b!tch that she is.
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    edited December 2011
    I went through a similar situation when me and my fi got engaged although it wasn't family members it was close friends of ours.  They were engaged a few months before us but once we got engaged we were suddenly shunned, ignored.  In fact it took my fi to sit down with the groom and explain that we wouldn't just be left behind and ignored unless he manned up and said it outloud.  His response was that we didn't need to like his fi but he still wanted to be involved in our life.  This SHOCKED ME!! I had made multiple efforts to help out his fi to plan her wedding only to be shunned and dissed with my e-ring being called cute and simply dismissed in the same breath.  I tried to make her a part of the group only to be cut out.  Sorry for the rant but I totally understand your pain and it's worse that its family, that you were both in the wedding and making an effort.  Know this your the better person in this situation, your not talking about them behind their back (except to us and your fi to explain your feelings that is) and your still happy.  If it really bothers this bride SO MUCH that she can't even be HAPPY for her own day in the light that she needs to knock yours down when its a year away....well I feel sorry for her.  It will hurt but I've learned from my situation that you have to keep those that support you closer then those who are going to tear you down (guess this means you won't be giving her an option in the party) ;)  Best of luck.
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    169 image 59 image 8 image 102 image ** RSVP Date: May 28th **
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    edited December 2011
    Thanks for all the support and kind words! I know I really shouldn't let is get to me since it is all over, and I have my day to look forward to, but it is so hard when we sometimes have to see each other due to family events. It is funny how weddings bring out the competitive side in girls! We all want to feel that our wedding is special.I really don't think about it so much, now that the planning is taking up more time. I promise more positive posts in the future... the next will be about an awesome album I am expecting in the coming weeks! :)
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    cembc99cembc99 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sadly the only advice that I could give you is too late. I would have told you not to confront them. If what the best man heard was true, than obviously Kathy sucks and I would be disappointed as well. Comments like that are hurtful, and I had a similar experience where my wedding brought the worst out of a family member.However, as much as it hurt your feelings, you might have been better off keeping it to yourself. Because, now that you have said something, you have to deal with the awkwardness and such and for what? If they truly felt that way nothing they said would have probably really made you feel better even if they were sincere. Whereas, if you had not confronted them, you wouldn't have the awkwardness and you could have distanced yourself from them without it becoming a wider family situation. I feel bad and totally sympathize, because I know what it is like to have someone act like a jerk when you should be happy. But, stepping back and five years later, I also know that things I thought I needed to say, really could have been let go in the face of keeping family relationships comfortable.
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