Who is being unreasonable here?

BostonBride110709

Ugh, I am so frustrated with this situation, and I'm not sure that anyone is being unreasonable as I see both sides of the argument here. Our wedding is scheduled for July 2010.  My fiance's grandfather just found out that he is in the beginning stages of kidney failure and will need to go on dialysis. They don't know how well that is going to work. My fiance's family is very close knit, and asked us if we would consider moving the wedding up. I think this is a perfectly reasonable request, both our venue and photographer are willing to accommodate this change (they are the only vendors we've booked so far). We were thinking New Year's Eve would be a good date.Well, I mentioned this to my mother today and she is just not willing to go along with this (she is not paying for the wedding). She thinks that his family is being unreasonable because my family has to travel from PA to Boston and this won't give them enough time to plan. I see her side as well, people were planning to come in the summer, not this winter. Also, nothing is definite with his grandfather. He could still be around in July or he could not be around in December. We haven't sent out save the dates yet, so that's not an issue. I also suggested a compromise where we have the New Year's Eve wedding, whoever can come will come, then have another party in July for those who couldn't make the trip, but apparently that's no good either because "people are excited to come to Boston."Ugh!  Why can't someone just be willing to compromise? I see both sides of the argument here, but someone's gotta give (and I think it may be my mother!).

richkatm

I see both sides to but I think the fact that FI's grandfather is sick trumps mom's desire for the wedding to be as planned next July! Especially since she's not paying it's your wedding and I think it's reasonable to have the wedding early for grandpa.

jenwindy

Personally, I would move up the wedding. Your mom may very well be right that he could be around in July but if it's important for the FI's grandfather to be at the wedding then why delay it further? Have a simpler New Year wedding in Boston. It's 4 months out. It can be done, even from PA.Btw, my grandfather passed away 2 months after our engagement party. I don't regret throwing together that spur-of-the-moment party despite the HUGE headache I got from FI's mom. I almost cancelled everything because it just didn't seem worth the hell I went through to please his mom. But I have no regrets now. It meant the world to my grandfather.

Ainslie325

Your family has plenty of time to travel if you move it up to December. Tell your mother that you would expect your FI to be just as selfless, caring, and considerate were it your grandparent (her parent). Tell your mother that it's not her choice, and that you would hope that she could lead her family in understanding that sometimes there are bigger issues than weddings. To me, weddings are about family. Family first. One can never asume they'll have tomorrow. FI's grandfather is 93 years old. If his health began to fail and FI asked me to move the wedding up, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Those I love would understand even if they couldn't make the party.

jesibel14

I think that having the later in party in July is a good compromise. Ultimately I would think it comes down to the fact that a close family member may have a limited time left...in 10 years when you look back on this you really can't lose by moving up the wedding as whatever comes you tried to do right by him. I think that will feel better than the other option. Figure your mom will be there and so won't others who can make the arrangements (and I think 4 months is ok time!). Good luck!

junelley

I also agree that your compromise is very reasonable and that the grandfather's situation trumps your mother's inconvenience.  If the situation were reversed, wouldn't she want to move up the wedding, too?  Also, PA is not that far, and 4 months is totally doable to plan. 

allmenooneelse

Totally agree with pp and with the op. Move the wedding up. It will mean the world to FI's grandfather and also will start you off on the right foot with your new family. I don't think anyone is going to begrudge your choice either way but come on, doesn't "we changed the wedding date so my FI's grandfather can see us get married" sound much better than "we left the wedding date where it is because everyone wants to see Boston?" I think your compromise is fantablous....throw the party in July but have the wedding in December. And, a New Years Eve wedding is such a great idea! I love it. :-) And, as pp said, four months is plenty of time to plan. But, get the word out ASAP and don't second guess your decision. Oh, and something else to consider.....I don't think you mentioned this, what does your FI think? If he AT ALL wants the wedding moved up, do it. I can't say this enough, do it. GL!

EKobrenski

I completely agree with pp and think you should move the date up. However, do you think your mother expected more time to come up with the money? That could be her real issue, bc her argument doesn't make sense...4 months is plenty of time to plan a trip here from PA.

mrsandmrsbins

I think you are being very thoughtful and understanding given the situation and you mom is having a hard time seeing the other side.  She is probubly thinking of what she is going to say to her family and that some of them might be difficult about it.  Four months is plenty of notice for people to get time off from work and make travel plans for one weekend, and Boston is really not scary in the winter.  (My mother actually moved my brother's bar mitzvah up six months because my relatives refused to travel to Buffalo in the winter, some people get freaked about snow).Not everyone's family is that close and would do something like this, so maybe your mom just can't relate.  I think if she takes some time to look at the other side she'll come around.  As long as you and your FI are on board with it, and even your vendors, I think you can make it work.

aarchidi

great advice from pps

jilliannoel88

I'm sorry that you have to make such a difficult decision.  I personally would probably move the wedding up, especially if it means that much to FI and his family and grandpa.  I do see your mother's point too though.  While the wedding would still be four months away - it would be right after the holidays which is usually a pretty expensive time of year for most.  Good luck )

kebmtm071605

I'm sorry to hear about your fi's grandfather.  I see both sides here as well.  You say that your fiance's family asked to move the wedding up.  How does your Fi specifically feel about this request?  If this is really important to him, then you just need to sit down and have a calm discussion with your mom.  Explain that you understand how she is feeling, but moving the wedding up is what you have decided and why. I can understand how your mom feels too.  Right now, it's probably just hard for her to see the bigger picture of your Fi's grandfather being sick.  She already has a mental picture of what she expected your wedding to be...summertime, with all of the family there.  She's probably having a tough time letting go of this.  Also, she may be worried that 4 months is not enough time to get everything planned.  Wedding gowns can take up to 6 months to come in.  Showers need to be planned.  She probably just doesn't want you to feel rushed.  She is also probably concerned about the family making it out here.  Where in PA are they?  Driving or flying?  There was a huge snowstorm here on NYE last year...my daughter was born the day before, and people couldn't even drive from a few towns away to see her in the hospital b/c the weather was so awful.  Also, travel (hotel & flights) are very expensive around the holidays in Boston.  Some people may legitimately not be able to save up the $ in time to travel for NYE.  So in her mind...she may see it as the two options being 'maybe Fi's grandfather may not see the wedding' if it is in July vs. 'a bunch of your family won't be at the wedding' if it is in December.

citygirl17

I'm dealing with a similar situation with my FI's mother - she has very aggressive cancer and no one knows how much longer she may have (hopefully many more years!!), but she has really gone downhill lately and even appointed FI as her healthcare proxy.  She was told to get her affairs in order.Every day now I think about moving the wedding up so she can be there for it.  It's a very sticky situation but it really boils down to what works best for you and your family.  Personally, I like your compromise idea.  Have the ceremony earlier and just have another party later as planned.I am considering having a smaller ceremony much sooner. then continuing with planning my original wedding date for next September.

jamidandedb

To play devil's advocate here....MH has kidney failure, and we've discussed dialysis with his doctors (he's not at that point yet, just been discussed).  In all honesty, your FI's grandfather could only need dialysis twice a week.  He could work with the techs to schedule it so he doesn't go too long without it, so you could reasonably have your wedding next July. With that said....I absolutely don't think you're being unreasonable at all.  You're giving everyone 4 months notice for the wedding to be moved.  Pull the "its my day" on your mother and tell her to stuff it!