ettiquette police!!!!!

BarkerBride

So I got married (vendor reviews in a week, coming soon!) and I have a dilemma and I'd love your thoughts and opinions about what I should do. One of my guests and one of my bridesmaids did not leave any gift or card. I can't imagine why you would go to a wedding and not at the very least, give a card. But nothing at all?! No card or gift or any acknowledgement that there is no card or gift? I'm just very shocked and surprised that people would go to a wedding and not even bring a card, much less a gift of some sort, especially seeing that one of them was in the wedding party! So do I address it? And how does one go about tactfully inquiring as to where/why there wasn't anything? I'm not greedy, just very surprised that my friends would do this! TIA

kelmarfar

Honestly, I don't really think you can say anything. Etiquette dictates that gifts are not necessary, plus a guest technically has a year from your wedding date to get you a gift. I feel your pain, though... I had two bridal showers, and there were a lot of people that didn't show and didn't even send a card, no less a gift. I don't care so much about that- I received many beautiful and generous gifts. I think it's more the principle of it- I would never show up for a shower or wedding empty handed, and if I couldn't make it, I certainly would make sure to send something. We're getting a lot of "no" responses for our wedding, so I'm interested in seeing how that all works out, especially since some of these people are friends that I have shelled out generous gifts for at their weddings.

KFH73

we had that happen with a few guests ....and over time I heard from them all saying that they forgot to give it at the wedding and they either gave us the card when they saw us or mailed it...so I would wait and see even my sister - who was my MOH, forgot her card at home and had to give it later

LucyD1029

A lot of people give gifts after the wedding.  We're still getting things in the mail and we were married 2 months ago.  No, you can't say anything.  That would be even more rude than not giving a gift in the first place.

Beantown Mama

I don't think you can really say anything to them. Like a PP said maybe they forgot or couldn't afford it at the time and you will get something soon. If it were me, I wouldn't worry about 2 people. I'm sure you got a ton of other generous gifts from everyone else.

jamidandedb

It's been almost a year and no gift from the BM or one of our groomsmen.  The kicker too, while the groomsman was staying with us the week prior to the wedding, he kept asking if we could drive him to the mall so he could get our gift.  We never did, we never got a gift (or a card).  Both the BM and GM traveled from the west coast (the BM with his wife and 6mo son).  DH was his BM and had gotten him a really nice gift, and he was a little miffed that we never even got a card from them. Honestly, I think we forgot to send a thank you card to them because they never made it on our "thank you card" list.  We made a list as we were opening our gifts up of what we received and from who and they never made it on.  I always say, weddings bring out the best in some and the worst in others.  I would wait a little while just to make sure that they didn't forget...but otherwise I would let it go.

jenvalet

We had quite a few people not give gifts or cards. Not much you can do about it.

kebmtm071605

You absolutely do not address it. There were quite a few guests (and a couple wedding party members) who did not give us gifts or cards at our wedding.  Most ended up sending us something in the weeks following however (guests have up to a year to send a gift).  Your BM most likely shelled out a lot of money to be in your wedding, and perhaps she just doesn't have the money for a gift right now.  Her being there to support you on your wedding day should be gift enough.

jhdance111

no!! you don't say anything. We had maybe a dozen people who didn't give gifts. while some of them I was a bit taken back, you do not address it.

laurening

While 95% of wedding guests will give a gift and/or a card some don't. Whether they forgot, didn't have the money, or whatever reason you can't say anything because it makes it seem like a gift was some sort of entrance fee or cover charge to the wedding. That's not saying you can't feel disappointed though, but don't make it a big deal.I would cut your wedding party some slack. Being in a wedding is super expensive. A card would be nice, but considering how busy the wedding day, he/she may just have forgotten about it.

Eamm4884

This happened to a co-worker of mine, and they didn't address it. They still sent thank you notes to these people, like "Thank you for sharing our special day", but made no mention of gifts. She had a couple people send gifts after receiving the thank you notes and they were mortified they forgot to give a gift. Some people honestly just might not think of gifts, as crazy as that sounds to us.

foolforfood

4 guests didn't give us gifts; 2 of them gave cards.  I still sent TY cards to all of them.  I thought a TY card would serve as a reminder, but I still haven't received anything.  One of the guys proactively told DH that he had the card in his jacket but simply forgot to give it to us.  I doubt that was the truth, but we rarely see him and there's not much else we can do about it.

EKobrenski

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I never bring a gift to a wedding. I feel like it's one more thing for the couple or the family to have to move, esp with friends that live out of town.  With cards/money, it's easy to get lost.  I always mail to the house before or even a couple weeks after. 

choppinbroccoli22

Whether they don't give a gift, or just don't give a gift that equals or surpasses the value of what you spend on them per head, you should be grateful of their presence, the time and travel costs for them to be there to help you celebrate. When I was younger, and had not read a single post off a knot board, I didn't think that people expected wedding gifts from their friends. I never heard from a friend again after I got on a plane to go to their wedding, and did not give them a fancy gift off their registry, but had put together some things that I thought they might enjoy, things a friend would give. I was very hurt that my so-called friends stopped returning my phone calls. It was only years later that I had any incling that I had so egregiously offended them with my sweet but inexpensive gift.

choppinbroccoli22

Ekobs, I'm totally with you. I have a station wagon, but I'm so happy that people are sending gifts to the house instead of bringing them. I also have heard horror stories of gifts being stolen from weddings.

foolforfood

Call me old fashioned (even though I'm not), but I think a guest should at least bring a card. 

EKobrenski

Like physically to the wedding or just in general?

foolforfood

ekobs, is that directed at me?  I don't care if the card is mailed before or after the wedding or given the night of.  Just gimme a simple handwritten Hallmark card and I'll be happy.

EKobrenski

Yup it was!  I wasn't sure if you meant that they should actually bring it to the wedding.  I'm wondering if I've offended people by mailing them?I agree with you though, every guest should give something (of course children are covered by their parents). 

noodle_oo

Okay, please don't kill me, but wow, you guys sound selfish.  Only 2 people didn't give you a present?  Cut them some slack!  Maybe they forgot, maybe they will send one later, maybe they can't afford it, or maybe they don't know that you are supposed to give gifts.  Or maybe they just won't.  Did you only invite them to the wedding for the gift?  My guess is that you invited them because they are important in your life and you wanted them there.  So just let it go.Especially for your friend who was in your wedding party, she probably spent a lot of time and money on your wedding, so maybe she thought that was gift enough.

KFH73

"you guys sound selfish" ummm I thought most posts in the thread seemed to say forgot it, no worries, and that often people do not or are not able to give a gift or card so please dont label all of 'us guys' as being selfish

foolforfood

Is it selfish to expect a card from a wedding guest?  An inexpensive momento that expresses the guest's wishes for a long and happy marriage?  If you can afford the OOT flight, you can certainly afford a $3 card.  And if you don't give a card, you are perfectly thoughtless in my book.  Especially when the couple gives every guest a handwritten TY card.

kelmarfar

Let me clarify what I said above- as far as gifts are concerned, I'm not as bothered by the lack of gift as I am the lack of acknowledgement of the event.  A prime example- my mother's best friend had RSVPd that she was coming to my shower and didn't show up.  No phone call explaning why, no gift or card, nothing.  I don't even care that there was no gift, but at the very least, she could have called or sent me a card saying that she was sorry she couldn't be there.  This was my mother's best friend!  The shower was being held in the city she lives in!  And the kicker of it all is that this family is absolutely loaded, so it's not a matter of not being able to afford it.  You can buy a card for 1.00 and a stamp for .44.  Just let me know that you care about my day. If my mother were still alive, I think she'd be really upset.

EKobrenski

IMO, if I was taken out to dinner or invited to a dinner party at someone's house, I would send a thank you note to the hosts.  The card essentially would serve as a thank you note in the case of a wedding.  I know in most cases, the parents are the hosts, but i think it's pretty understood that they want the children to have the cards. 

BarkerBride

Hi again! Wow lots of responses to my post! So here's my thoughts: 1)I'm not selfish bc 2 people didn't give gifts (it was actually more than that, btw, but whatever that's not the point! 2)I 100%agree with fool for food - at least a card. I did have a guest give a card, but with no gift. I didn't write about that because at least they gave a card. There is just no excuse in my mind not to at least stop and get a card. They are as cheap as $1.99 and you could go to a grocery store or a drugstore! 3)lots of you commented that I should "cut my wedding party some slack" and consider the amount of time and money that he/she/they already spent on the wedding. Here is my thought on that - I bought all of the dresses(all they had to do was either order it online from JCrew or go into the JCrew store and order it there), I bought their shoes and personally delivered them to each girl. For my shower, it was a combined Jack and Jill so it was split by both the guys and girls and my parents paid for half of it. I picked where it was, gave them all of the contact info, pricing, manager's name, website info. Etc. My girls really had to do no planning. I planned my own Jack and Jill and my bachelorette. My bachelorette did not involve a limo, or a hotel, or bar hopping, thereby avoiding cover charges. We went to one bar. That was it. I didn't demand that they get their hair or makeup or nails done for the wedding day. My bridesmaid that did not give me a card or gift is married. I went to her out of state shower, got her a very expensive gift off of her registry. I flew to her wedding which involved plane tickets and a hotel room and an expensive bachelorette and gave her a check I believe for $250 as a wedding gift. It just stings that she got me nothing and many of you have said to consider the wedding party's time and planning. Trust me, very little money was involved on their part and very little planning was done on this particular girl's part. so to wrap up - I know that I can't say anything to her, but I wanted/needed to vent and I knew that many of you would be able to relate to my vent. At this point, I have to just let it go.