XP: Covering your plate

MeaghanandMichael

I posted this on P&E too to get a national view point, but I am curious as to what the Boston ladies think:Many people regard this as the general rule of thumb for wedding gift giving. I don't get it. Personally I think the concept is a good one but it still is so arbitrary. I mean, Mike and I generally give this amount, but it is more because of what we want to give actually usually adds up to that number as opposed to some math trick we deduce. Does some one have a link to where this originated? I googled but most sites just say, "yes, you cover your plate." I know for a fact that there were some people at the wedding I recently attended who adjusted their amount down due to a cash bar. I know there are a million opinions of this topic, but I am wondering exactly where this all originated.

EKobrenski

I look at it more like, if I go by myself I will give X amount, and if I got with FI I will give double that. I don't really adjust it based on what the food is or anything. I know my parents gave more if my brother and I attended when we were kids.

Krystalynne21

Ya, I think its more a rule of thumb in case you have no idea what to give.  But then again, do you ask "How much is my meal costing you?" Umm...no. We usually base what we give on a bunch of factors, such as whether the couple is paying for their own wedding-we are more inclined to give a little extra if they are, how close we are with them-my 2nd cousin once removed who I barely know is probably not getting the same as my best friend, and more importantly, what we have to give.  I don't think covering your plate is the be all end all of it.  If someone has a $200 pp wedding, and I don't have $400 to give them, they aren't getting that.  Would I give them $50? No way, but definitely not $400. 

eouellet

We give the same amount regardless. If our guests all gave based on how much their meals cost at our wedding, then there would have been some families who should have given upwards of $1000...not exactly realistic for most people. I DO think that you should be conscious of how many people you are bringing to the wedding however - if I had children and all of them were invited and attended the wedding, I would probably give a more generous gift than if just myself and my husband went.

Shazzie116

I think it's an ok general rule of thumb, but obviously can be adjusted any number of ways. I would base it more on what you usually give. I think people generally give in the $100 range for single guests, $200 for couple, maybe a little more for a family. I don't think it should necessarily be based on your plate and whether or not you have to pay for drinks. I mean, technically we're getting a good discount on our reception having it in the winter, so the per plate price is 15% lower. I doubt people are thinking "Oh, well in that case I'll give them 15% less". Other factors are your closeness to the couple. If it's your cousin's daughter's best friend's stepsister twice removed, you might not give as much as say, your sibling or best friends. That's my thinking, FWIW.

Ainslie325

Personally, I think it's assinine. One would never dream of asking, "Hey, how much did you spend on my food? I'm just curious, because I want to make sure that I'm operating tit-for-tat." If I go to a loved one's reception at the VFW Hall, the gift I give will be reflective of what I can afford and how close the relationship is between me and the couple/person getting married. Similarly, if a work friend throws a grand fete at an exorbitantly priced downtown hotel, I don't feel compelled to give more than I otherwise would becasue THEY chose to shoot the wad on their wedding reception.

MeaghanandMichael

People call the club all.the.time. asking what our per plate price is. It makes me sick.I guess Emily and Miss Manners both find this kind of thinking out of line too but they also said it is a very common etiquette rule in the northeast.I think the hard part comes in when people aren't trying to analzye the wedding or be stingy, but more that people were truly raised to believe this is how things are done and want to hold up their end of the wedding etiquette bargain you know?

jkepros

My guess is the working class neighborhoods with cultures in which you invite a lot of people, on a small budget.  So, for example, maybe in 1965 you live in a blue collar town and you have a big Italian/Irish/fill-in-the-blank Catholic family & in your social circle etiquette says that you invite EVERYONE (friends, neighbors, extended family, people from church, etc).  Well, you have a modest budget (and everyone knows this) and to keep your parents from going into the poor house over your wedding, the guests "help out" by giving money or gifts to cover the cost of their plate.  Now, in those days, while the guestlist might be huge, overall the wedding wasn't probably too extravagent and the overall cost of the wedding was probably little more than the cost of the food--so basically you paid for almost everything with that gift money received.  I think nowdays since so many people pay for "extras" (photobooths, dj's/bands, fancy decorations, uplighting, favors, etc, etc), "covering your plate" is a bit outdated.  I mean, if you got to a fancy wedding, why should you spend more on your gift than if you go to a modest wedding?  I think it's more understood that if people have a bunch of "extras" that than they can afford it (or are willing to go into debt to pay for it).Anyway, my guess is that it started in working class to middle class communities and spread...

MeaghanandMichael

jkepros - I was actually just reading about that line of thinking! It makes complete sense. But yes, in these days when weddings have so many 'more' components like the extras you mentioned it is just very hard to take everything into account.

KBackus12

I've heard this but never followed it or even heard of my parents follow it.  The only weddings I've gone to as an adult (all my cousins are older than me so going to their wedding at 13 didn't really count) were close friends and I was in the wedding party so I got them gifts which did equal about what 2 plates were. I knew what they wanted/needed and I thought gifts were more personal than giving cash for my close friends. We're going to a distination wedding this summer a few months before our wedding. I know its a huge amount per plate but we're probably going to give a smaller cash amount or gift because we're paying for flights, hotel, food, days off, on top of both being in the wedding party and throwing them a jack&jill shower. I'd love to give more but we just can't. I hope most people understand that these days.

kates2480

I think it depends on your relationship to the B&G and who close you are with them.

MrsSassygrl2008

Well I can tell you that we didnt have an extravgant wedding but the cost per person was DEFINITELY up there because of where we chose to have the wedding (northeast).  DH's family is not from the northeast and I can tell you their contributions were SIGNIFICANTLY less than what we got from friends and family from the northeast.  I think his side of the family contributed what they thought a wedding would cost there and not here.  Therefore the gift money received didnt cover the plates by any means.  but we are grateful for whatever gifts we did get. With that said...I'm going to a wedding in Husbands town next week....am I going to give $25 per person ($50) to the bride and groom because this is what they are probably paying for the guests...absolutely not....we will give most likely $250-300.  I think you should give whatever you can afford and it would be according to how well you know the couple and if you have to travel or are in the wedding party. Final say = covering your plate rule is way out dated:)

bharnett

We usually give $150 per couple regardless of per plate.  It's the norm for our circle of friends.

october010bride

We have a set amount but adjust it depending on if their parents paid for the wedding (if I know) or if there was a cash bar. I know it sounds rude but bars are expensive and I want to compensate those people who generously provided the guests with it. As well, if I know that your parents paid for the wedding I'm less inclined to give then if you paid for it yourself.

backbaybride

I think it should primarily be based on your relationship with the couple.  That being said, I would feel guilty not giving at least enough to "cover my plate".  This is definitely an old school unofficial New England rule.  I would not adjust my gift down based on the location or details of the wedding.  But if I know that I'm getting a fabulous meal and night of drinking at the BHH I am probably inclined to give more..to the extent that I can afford  

LucyD1029

I base my gifts on my relationship with the couple and how much I can afford. I've never factored in the cost of my meal.

2dBride

I don't think any of our guests attempted to follow this rule.  We had some who gave no gift at all, some who gave gifts of time (e.g., helping us set up, bringing a cheese platter, or taking pictures in the DIY "photobooth"), and some who gave relatively large gifts.  Honestly, if we invited them, it was because we thought their company was worth the cost, regardless of whether they gave a gift or not.  Particularly in this economy, with several people we know having recently lost their jobs, we would much rather people showed up with no gift at all than that their feelings about the wedding be colored by dread of being expected to give something they could not afford.

jenvalet

I'm sorry, that "cover your plate" BS always pisses me off.  You give what you can give.   My brother and I both got married this year and our weddings were completely different, and yes, mine cost a lot more than his did.  So does that mean everyone who attended both should give him less?