touchie subject.

KBackus12

Invitation wording. (background- my parents are divorced, don't really speak to eachother/get along and my dad got remarried about 2 months ago and he's paying for like 80% of our wedding, my mom kept my dad's last name when they got divorced)

There's problems with all the wording I've seen-

1) Mr & Mrs X and Mrs X invite you (blah blah you get it)  - my mom FREAKED out when I said this because my dad's new wife isn't one of my parents. 

2) Mr. X and Mrs. X invite you - My dad is all about including his new wife in everything, down to email conversations between me and him she's CCed on and this will upset him (and he's paying for the wedding)

3) Together with their parents - This option I might go with but then I need to have the conversation with the FI parents that we're not leaving them out its just my parents can't get along and I was trying to leave the disfuctionalness of my family out of the wedding. 

UGH! what has other people done? Is there an option I haven't looked at?

Manda2828

i think option #3 is good... it include's fi's parents so why would that be a problem?

KBackus12

Since its not the traditional way, my FMIL is going to ask why we decided on that which opens the my parents are dysfunctional conversation. 

spuccio

This might be a situation where traditional etiquette can help you. Traditionally, it is the parents of the bride that get to invite people to the wedding, with their names on the invitation. The groom's parents should not expect to be listed on the invitation, at least in the traditional sense. In modern times, it has changed to reflect who might be contributing financially to the wedding, but since that isn't your case, you have no obligation to do it. So if you wrote "together with their parents", your FI's folks wouldn't really have a reason to be upset. HTH.

PS--My husband's parents are ugly-divorced, too, and we went through a lot of crap in wedding planning around it. Let me know if you ever have any other questions. I think we saw it all :-) GL!

nikkiblueeyes823

I think option # 3 is the way to go.  100%

amethystgirl03

#3 - And how long do you think your inlaws will remain unaware of your family's drama? Family is family - they don't stop being crazy for weddings - if anything, they become more so.

Knottie6cd98948dcce890b

My FI's parents cannot even be in the same room as one another so not only does wording come into play but the actual wedding - eek! PLease let em know what you decide!

foolforfood

I like "Mr. Dad and Ms. Mom request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter to FI, son of..."

I think Option C only applies if you and FI are the hosts.  It seems like your dad and mom are the true hosts.

spuccio

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_touchie-subject?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:89Discussion:78b3db9b-1dc6-4790-8669-bbb25f1ad6fcPost:5b0ac78e-0fb3-4695-9d58-15c2cd4f71b2">Re: touchie subject.</a>:
[QUOTE]#3 - And how long do you think your inlaws will remain unaware of your family's drama? Family is family - they don't stop being crazy for weddings - if anything, they become more so.
Posted by amethystgirl03[/QUOTE]

Word.

My experience was that being honest with EVERYONE made a huge difference. When DH and I got engaged, his parents were at a point that they had only communicated via attorneys for the last EIGHT years! Now, things are much better. DH never got involved in talking with his rents about this stuff---and I'm much more direct. We made sure that each parent (and stepparent) knew that A) family was important to us, B) We were trying to be sensitive to everyone, and C) It would be a give and take on their part, too.

In the long run, it turned out that they all needed to be challenged in order to shine. I know it doesn't happen that way for a lot of families-- I read about Knotties with monster parents or inlaws all the time. But have some faith that they will appreciate your attempts to make them comfortable and will reward you with good behavior. I never thought I would see DH's dad give his mom a hug and a congrats on our big day, or his stepmom helping his mom with her corsage. But it happened. :-)

KBackus12

My parents put on a good show when they need to be (aka birthdays, house warming party) so his parents have seen them together being nice (well really just avoid each other). His parents know some of the drama and I know I won't be able to keep it from them forever or even that long. The wording of things seems so dumb and petty to me so to have to explain my parents are pissed off over it seems childish. And I've already had to have my FI say something to his sisters about commenting on how my dad is paying for the wedding. Like ya he's paying for the wedding but he spelt my name wrong on his wedding announcement and you have 2 parents that are together and love each other and maybe aren't paying for your wedding. 

I just don't like opening the drama can of worms with my FILs  

noodle_oo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_touchie-subject?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:89Discussion:78b3db9b-1dc6-4790-8669-bbb25f1ad6fcPost:2d9533f4-3007-4ac4-9531-fc1be1752168">Re: touchie subject.</a>:
[QUOTE]I like "Mr. Dad and Ms. Mom request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter to FI, son of..." I think Option C only applies if you and FI are the hosts.  It seems like your dad and mom are the true hosts.
Posted by foolforfood[/QUOTE]

I kind of agree with this.  If you dad is paying for the wedding, he usually gets his name on the invite.  Of course, if he's okay with #3, then go for it!

LexiMS

We did option #3--even though my parents are paying.  Besides the fact that things got complicated with wording with them being divorced (though thankfully they get along great!) I thought esthetically the invites looked better with "together with their parents".

clbartnicki

I would go with option 3 if your dad is okay with it.

amethystgirl03

Have you seen Chad N Jared's bio that gives a lot answers to of these issues? The key point - "host" isn't the same as "financiers".  So unless your future in-laws are going to purely be guests at your wedding, it could actually be completely appropriate to include them on the invite. But, as the second section suggests, do what looks simplest - no need to involve your guests in the complications and risk hurting feelings, imo.

On this subject:

Whose name goes at the top of the invitation?
Answer: Hosts are listed, not financiers. Hosts are the people who make sure the guests are cared for. Financiers pay for some of the wedding. Bluntly, it’s no one’s business who paid for what and honestly, no one really cares.

However, if by mutual agreement you choose to deviate, that’s absolutely fine. Just remember it’s usually not worth it, since an invitation is a piece of paper for a single day. You have to be family with these people for the rest of your life.

Both sets of parents are divorced. Mine are remarried and my step-Dad raised me, but now my Mom is married to another guy and...
Answer: I have a migraine and I stopped listening after "but". Use "Together with their parents..." and save everyone the headache. Your invitation will look like a law firm letterhead otherwise.

s2bmrsjefferson

three one hundred percent!

Mrkyrain

I had a very similar situation as yours.  Where my father and step mother were contributing to the wedding as well as my Mother in Law but my mother wasn't ble to contribute financially.  We paid the other half.  We went with something very similar to your option 3 and it seemed to work.  GL

jenwindy

Absolutely #3. It includes everyone and doesn't get you in trouble.

NewportBride710

My parents are divorced, Dad is remarried, Mom isn't but has been with her boyfriend for almost 20 years, so he's like another father to me. My parents get along... the stepparents, not so much... My Mom kept my Dad's last name and trying to figure out wording was the worst! We had to keep everyone as happy as possible. 

Everyone wanted their name on the invite but the invite wasn't big enough ( ha!) so we just had to do Together with their families.... plus it covers my FI's divorced parents..... It's the easiest one to do that makes everyone happy in the long run. 

deborah2121

To be honest, I don't know what to say, but I sympathize! 

.I'm grateful for the posts regarding hosts vs. financiers...that is really helpful.  I am not sure if this applies to you at all, but here's one perspective that I had never considered.... I'm 31, which today is not very old to be getting married, but for my parents, it is. Even though they are helping significantly, they think that since I'm above 30, I should be host and have my name attached to everything (with FI of course) and go with your #3.  Perhaps you can propose this stance  to your dad, etc. to help with #3.  If it doesn't help, sorry.
Good luck! 

megandjay

In your situation, if your parents are okay with it, then option #3 works well.
My parents would be peeved if their names were not on it (they are divorced too). But they are both contributing, so I am using both names, which is kind of funny because they still have the same last name! haha, so our will be something like Mr. G Smith and Ms J. Smith invite you...