Anyone else having problems with the soon to be Mother in Law?

tecah123

I seriously have never had problems before with my fiance untill the wedding planning process has started. His parents are being so cheap and selfish. They have the nerve to invite 70 people but not even paying a quarter of the cost of the wedding. Very fustrating and I have such resentment towards them. Am I the only one dealing with this?

DirtyWater

My Fiancés parents are not paying a dime at all.  My parents are paying for our venue, food and DJ.  FI and I are paying for everything else.  We've had money problems (still do)  they know how little we have and still have not offered anything but think we should still have everything to their HIGHEST standards.

FI said they may give us a honeymoon.  But I'd really love money to put towards the wedding.  I'm grateful for either but it is frustrating when it comes to money.

I should also add that they are in their 60s and very very old school.

MeaghanandMichael

You pay? You say. Your fiance needs to talk to them and explain the realites of your finanaces and what you can afford. Of course ILs should get a portion of the guest list, but they are responsible for paying for the extra people on their list. It certainly would have been a huge problem/red flag in my own relationship had my H not stepped up to his parents and found a compromise with his parents in the case of something like this.

tecah123

this makes me feel a little better that I'm no in this boat alone. My FI parents have caused so many fights between our famiies now starting our own family should be interesting. They wanted us to a pick a venue that is cheaper so the cost wouldn't be so high. Maybe cause their not giving barely any money. How are you girls wording the invitations if your parents are paying for most of it? Why should I say their name on it if their not hosting it. Thanks so much for the support I need it.

DirtyWater

We're listing ourselves and my parents only.

We've tossed the idea of both back and forth but if they aren't paying a dime I'd rather not have them on the invite.

MeaghanandMichael

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_anyone-else-having-problems-soon-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:89Discussion:bf3f4a87-f26c-4039-a075-ee71297e4d0fPost:95c379fd-784d-4fbf-a151-58a2e15ab140">Re: Anyone else having problems with the soon to be Mother in Law?</a>:
[QUOTE]Me too. FI's parents refuse to pay on the count of him being a boy. so old fashioned (IMO)!  My parents are too nice to limit IL's amount of guests. Although I've asked FI to ask them to pay for some small things that probably wont total more than 1K. FI claims that they are going to give us a down payment for a house as a wedding gift, but they haven't given him a definite answer so at this point i'd rather them contribute to the wedding than "maybe" giving us a big gift FMIL is redoing her kitchen and thinking about getting herself a new car. she's so selfish. they clearly have the money to spend on whatever she pleases and my parents are still paying off loans.
Posted by amgrossman[/QUOTE]

Seriously? Do you know how entitled this sounds? No one but you HAS to pay anything whatsoever to your big party. FMIL is more than allowed to buy herself whatever she pleases as it is her money. If she were asking you to pay for something for her, than you are perfectly within your rights to have an issue with that. Until then, save and spend according to your own financial capabilities, stop looking for hand outs, and stop judging people for not handing you money.

MeaghanandMichael

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_anyone-else-having-problems-soon-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:89Discussion:bf3f4a87-f26c-4039-a075-ee71297e4d0fPost:1d5e643b-adbd-410d-8061-342128f16ba4">Re: Anyone else having problems with the soon to be Mother in Law?</a>:
[QUOTE]this makes me feel a little better that I'm no in this boat alone. My FI parents have caused so many fights between our famiies now starting our own family should be interesting. They wanted us to a pick a venue that is cheaper so the cost wouldn't be so high. Maybe cause their not giving barely any money. How are you girls wording the invitations if your parents are paying for most of it? Why should I say their name on it if their not hosting it. Thanks so much for the support I need it.
Posted by tecah123[/QUOTE]

So pay for it yourself and stop dragging in the financial situations of others? Especially in this economy, you think more brides would be understanding about how expensive venues can be.

Also: they're, their, there... all different.

kmurph286

My future inlaws got upset when they found out we picked a venue that only fit 160 people.  Before we chose the venue, when asked how many people we were thinking of having and we said about 200, my future father-in-law's response was "oh we might have that many people ourselves to invite."  At this point in time the only thing they have offered to pay for was the $300 church donation.  When we told him it was 160 people they immediately asked how many people in my family there were and made remarks that "oh we'll just have to work on that" as far as who they could invite.  They also got upset when I said there wouldn't be any kids invited.  We come from 2 different cultures.  Luckily, my parents (who are footing the bill for the reception) are on my side.  I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this - worst part is it seems to be my future father in law more than mother in law - as she said its your day so we're not going to fight you. 

allisong23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_anyone-else-having-problems-soon-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:89Discussion:bf3f4a87-f26c-4039-a075-ee71297e4d0fPost:95c379fd-784d-4fbf-a151-58a2e15ab140">Re: Anyone else having problems with the soon to be Mother in Law?</a>:
[QUOTE]Me too. FI's parents refuse to pay on the count of him being a boy. so old fashioned (IMO)!  My parents are too nice to limit IL's amount of guests. Although I've asked FI to ask them to pay for some small things that probably wont total more than 1K. FI claims that they are going to give us a down payment for a house as a wedding gift, but they haven't given him a definite answer so at this point i'd rather them contribute to the wedding than "maybe" giving us a big gift FMIL is redoing her kitchen and thinking about getting herself a new car. she's so selfish. they clearly have the money to spend on whatever she pleases and my parents are still paying off loans.
Posted by amgrossman[/QUOTE]

Hon, you are rthe selfish one. Neither set of parents have to pay for YOUR wedding, unless this is some kind of arranged marriage and there is a dowry involved. H & I paid for it on our own, so we got to make all the choices. And I would never tell my parents (of his) that theys hould not fix their house or get a new car. THAT is selfish. They worked to earn their money, and they can spend it as they see fit.

And if those loans are for your education, you could pay those as well.

MeaghanandMichael

Ditto Alli.


Also, Kmurph - I am sorry your inlaws are trying to take advantage of the guest list. I get this is a hard, touchy issue to navigate. Also, it is fine not to invite kids as long as you keep this rule even. You can't invite your friend's kids, but not your cousin's kids, kwim?

allisong23

M&M, love the new sig!

Blueyed228

Here is an idea.  Pay for it yourself.

There is nothing selfish about parents not wanting to dish out thousands of dollars to pay for the ADULT childs wedding.

My parents gave us 25% of our wedding cost.  We paid for the other 75%.(and our wedding was not cheap).   H's parents gave us a small donation towards the limos. 

They also invited 170 out of the 270 people that were invited.  I could have told them to cut down their list, but it wasnt worth it to me.  I dont care that they didnt pay for anything, we had the wedding that we dreamed of and feel good that it didnt put either of our parents into debt for it.  

amgrossman

I'm sorry guys. I knew that I would get flamed for saying what I did but didn't take the time to think it over. There's a lot more to my specific situation than I wrote. I showed the OP that I agree with her in the wrong way. 

I deleted my original post. So please forget that I said anything. I deserve the bang on the head you gals gave me! 

MeaghanandMichael

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_anyone-else-having-problems-soon-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:89Discussion:bf3f4a87-f26c-4039-a075-ee71297e4d0fPost:c94316f7-dfe7-4fe6-802f-3492cf0165a1">Re: Anyone else having problems with the soon to be Mother in Law?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry guys. I knew that I would get flamed for saying what I did but didn't take the time to think it over. There's a lot more to my specific situation than I wrote. I showed the OP that I agree with her in the wrong way.  I deleted my original post. So please forget that I said anything. I deserve the bang on the head you gals gave me! 
Posted by amgrossman[/QUOTE]

Well I can understand most rants ARE context based. Details?

amgrossman

@meaghan

do you have a year? lol 

@allisong23

"And if those loans are for your education, you could pay those as well."

some people have siblings...

Lenore2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_anyone-else-having-problems-soon-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:89Discussion:bf3f4a87-f26c-4039-a075-ee71297e4d0fPost:b16f531a-0761-47b3-baab-061e284aeffa">Re: Anyone else having problems with the soon to be Mother in Law?</a>:
[QUOTE]Here is an idea.  Pay for it yourself. There is nothing selfish about parents not wanting to dish out thousands of dollars to pay for the ADULT childs wedding. My parents gave us 25% of our wedding cost.  We paid for the other 75%.(and our wedding was not cheap).  <strong> H's parents gave us a small donation towards the limos.  They also invited 170 out of the 270 people that were invited.</strong>  I could have told them to cut down their list, but it wasnt worth it to me.  I dont care that they didnt pay for anything, we had the wedding that we dreamed of and feel good that it didnt put either of our parents into debt for it.  
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

<div>That is very, very generous of you and your H Blue. I hope they appreciated the kindness. Honestly, if I were asking my child to invite 170 people I WOULD feel obligated to pitch in for more than limos, but it is very kind of you that you were both cool with their list.</div>

allisong23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_anyone-else-having-problems-soon-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:89Discussion:bf3f4a87-f26c-4039-a075-ee71297e4d0fPost:0f8b28f1-ad5e-4994-a0b6-78f0b12716c6">Re: Anyone else having problems with the soon to be Mother in Law?</a>:
[QUOTE]@meaghan do you have a year? lol  @allisong23 "And if those loans are for your education, you could pay those as well." some people have siblings...
Posted by amgrossman[/QUOTE]

I have siblings too. So we were responsible for paying back our loans. And your point is?

tecah123

I guess I thought I had a it bad. I guess I should appreciatiate that their giving us some money. I guess my fustration is that everything we wanted they were saying no too. But their not paying for any of it so why they have any say in it. We'll guess for my fiance's sake I'll just bite my lip for now and let it go. I think it's hard for him to ask them to cut their list since their very their way or the highway kind of people.

mia082683

I sort of skimmed this so maybe I'm misinterpreting or something, but I think some people are being rather harsh on you.  We're paying for our own wedding and have had to limit the guests that our parents wanted to invite.  We told our parents that if they wanted to invite extra people, they were going to have to pay for them.  It wasn't because we expected it at all (in fact, we don't whatsoever) but rather that we could not afford to pay for everyone else.  I think it's completely inappropriate to expect money from anyone when it comes to YOUR wedding, but I don't think it's inappropriate to say we can afford _____ guests.  It's been tough for my parents to handle but if these are your parents, they should be able to understand your financial situation and appreciate that you're giving them X amount of guests in the first place. 

Erica1011

I joined this conversation a little late but does the 25% of the wedding they are contributing pay for their 70 guests?  I think it's crazy that they would invite 70 people and not pay for them.  I'd maybe give each set of parents 4 guests without asking for $$ but 70??  I would def make my FI say something to them as I would speak with my parents of they were doing something like that.  GOOD LUCK!

And As Mia said I def don't think it's inappropriate to tell them you can only afford x number of guests. 

SuzyQq02

II don't post much anymore, but felt compelled to respond here.

Are the 70 guests your FI's family? Or personal friends of your ILs? It's an important difference. If they're family, I'd consider those your FI's guests as much as his parents' guests. These people will be your family too once you're married.

If it's 70 people above and beyond family that are friends of theirs, then I don't think you're out of line for telling them your budget can accomodate xx guests above and beyond family.

They're adults and can spend their money as they like, and not contributing more than a quarter of the cost doesn't make them "selfish and cheap." If they are contributing at all, they're helping host the wedding and I believe should be mentioned on the invitation.