Mormon wedding weekend....

lundar

My sister just had a Mormon wedding (well, ring ceremony... since my family isn't Mormon we couldn't attend the actual wedding). Anyways, it was one of the strangest things I've ever experienced and the most traumatic event of my life. I am not being dramatic. It takes me a solid 30 minutes to recount all the crazy wedding events. On the flight home I filled 7 pages writing down everything that bothered me. I was just wondering if anyone had attended a Mormon ring ceremony and what it was like? I have nothing to compare it to and I really want to talk to her about everything that concerned me at some point.

noodle_oo

No, I've never attended a ring ceremony.  However I have a coworker who is Mormon so I'm now insanely curious about what upset you so much. 

Has your sister converted to be a Mormon?  I thought it was a huge deal to marry someone who isn't Mormon (unless you are, but I'm figuring you aren't since the ring ceremony bothered you).

Anyway, sorry I can't help, and hope you feel better about it!  Would it help to talk to your sister about it?

noodle_oo

Does anything on here help?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Celestial_marriage

lundar

My sister converted before I moved up here. She met her now husband a year ago at a church thing. They were engaged after dating for 6 months. His entire family is Mormon and mine isn't so they got to go to everything while my mother and I were allowed to sit in the waiting room. We opted for sitting in the car because it's easier to cry in the car than in a waiting room full of happy people in white. The whole weekend felt like my family was being replaced by his family. That was the main thing that bothered me, but on top of that, her wedding was a little bit of a circus. It involved an open mic, pancake dinner, and pinatas. They had a dinner the night before the wedding (it was a rehearsal dinner type thing minus the rehearsal) and my family wasn't invited. The whole thing was troubling.

LoveAdopted

I'm so sorry this weekend was so upsetting. I can't imagine not being 'allowed' into my own sister's wedding... crazy.

october010bride

I can imagine how hard it was for you and your mother and I'm sorry.

I don't know anything about the Mormon religion (I am fascinated with it though) but I am so sorry to hear how you felt during the weekend.

eouellet

I do know that only Mormons are allowed to witness the marriage ceremony (this would bother me too) but as far as the casual nature of the reception - I think that's just a personal preference.

Check out Mrs. Avocado's old posts on Weddingbee for reference and a bit of insight into the traditions/religious aspects - she planned a Mormon wedding a couple years ago.

eouellet

Just re-read your post too - AWFUL that they didn't invite your family to the rehearsal dinner!  There doesn't seem to be any religious justification for that!

Shazzie116

I'm so sorry, that sounds really heartbreaking to not be allowed at your own sister's wedding.

lundar

It was one of those things that I thought I would be ok with until it was actually happening. It was so much worse than I could have imagined. I started crying and tried to play it off like, "Oh my goodness, you are just so beautiful," but it turned into that kind of cry where you can't catch your breath or speak properly. I'm not sure how to talk to her about it.

deborah2121

I feel so awful for you.  It just all seems very confusing and disheartening!  My sister married (and has since divorced) a man who is Mormon.  She gets extremely emotional when discussing rituals she experienced--I still don't know why! Is it just that it's different from our own experiences?

I was immediately reminded of when my sister married her ex-husband who was Mormon in a civil ceremony at my parent's house.  Your post somehow made me think of how they felt amidst the non-Mormon sector of drunks in my parent's house.  Uggg.....I had never thought about how they felt, and now I feel like a shithead.  So, thank you for teaching me something I had not considered. (I know, you just want to vent, but I'm grateful for the eye opening your experience has given me!)

I know there are customs where non-Mormons are not welcomed, but I would think they would extend a welcome for other events, especially as you have traveled. Thinking of you!

caralinda1985

That's awful!  I would be heartbroken if I weren't allowed to be part of my sister's ceremony.  I would definately talk to her about it.

This board is definately great to vent on, but I think you're only truly going to feel better after you talk to her. 

lundar

Thanks so much to everyone who wrote back to this post. It helped a lot. I was just trying to get through her wedding without taking anything away from her. I didn't want her to see how sad the entire thing was making me (and my entire family), but I know I'm going to have to figure out a way to address it sometime in the future.

jwatts23

What a horrible situation to have to go through.  It takes a big person to let your sister have her day and keep that in mind when you are that upset.  You supporting her even when you don't understand it was something you should be proud of in my opinion.

But I would, without a doubt, talk to your sister after the wedding craziness has died down.  Otherwise, those feelings won't go away and will just get worse over the years. 

EKobrenski

That seems like such a hard situation for you and your family.  I think you handled it really maturely though!  I'm sorry you had to go through that.  What types of things about the ceremony bothered you?

jaguarjen

I grew up in an area with a very strong LDS population (probably 25% of my high school class was Mormon, though it often felt like more), and while I haven't actually been to a Mormon wedding celebration (unfortunatley couldn't afford to travel when I did have good friends getting married), I have talked about it a fair amount with friends.  And I have a lot of thoughts (especially since I read this right before leaving for work so then pondered during my commute) - apologies if they're not well organized.

I think you have three different issues that are all getting tangled together in the emotion of the wedding: the beliefs and practices of the LDS faith; being excluded by their family; and the "circus" feel of the event.    I agree with eoulett that the style of the reception is just a matter of personal taste and choice -- I'm betting the pancakes and pinata and general not-what-you-expected-of-a-wedding atmosphere wouldn't have bothered you as much if they'd followed a more typical wedding ceremony that you were allowed to be part of, or if your sister's in-laws had gone out of their way to make you feel welcomed and comfortable.  If they were aiming for casual & fun rather than elegant and ended up going too far into circus territory...well, that might partly have been because they were trying very hard on the "we can make this fun even though there's no booze" angle.  I'd recommend letting that part go.

The other two issues are more difficult, so the one thing I really want to say is to do your best to keep the religion issues separate from the family issues.  By that I mean, the temple ceremony being limited to LDS members with temple recommends is a matter of religious practice, and while it is hard to swallow, it is not anything intended to exclude you - most religions have some level of requirement for participation in what they deem their most sacred rites, after all - this one just seems more extreme to most of us than, say, the Roman Catholic rules about who is permitted to take communion.  Even just being Mormon doesn't necessarily get you in the door, there are many requirements for entry into the temple that have to be met. 

Not being invited to the pre-wedding dinner, on the other hand, is a family issue.  If it's connected to the wedding, but not in the temple, there is no good reason for not including the bride's family other than his family being unthinking at best, rude at worst.  (And, sadly, rude people can be found among all religions.)  I wonder if in part that happened because your sister, as a convert who wasn't familiar with all the traditions and customs, handed over more of the planning to her in-laws and was afraid to stand up for herself if something seemed wrong for fear of being branded a bad Mormon?  I can even see some of that being down to communication issues between her and her husband's family.  But I know for my LDS friends, they made a huge effort to make sure that non-LDS family felt as welcomed and included as possible within the restrictions of their faith -- that's actually one of the reasons the ring ceremony has developed as a big part of Mormon weddings, rather than the afterthought it used to be when the Mormons were a much more insular group and wouldn't have had many "outsiders" to celebrate a marriage with.  (And apparently in some locations, the bishops really try to keep the ring ceremony as something minor so that it doesn't outshine the sacred vows in the temple, which is somewhat understandable.)

Did you talk with your sister about her conversion when she first made that decision?  Either way, I think talking with her about the wedding, once things have died down, could be a great opening to talk about why she made that choice, how she feels about it, and how her thoughts on it have changed as she's spent more time practicing the faith.  Since she didn't grow up Mormon, her wedding day must have been quite different from what she imagined as a girl -- my understanding is that the temple marriage ceremony is very sedate, no music or flowers, everyone dressed in modest white temple clothes, not at all the sort of thing you see in the movies.  That might actually be a good opening for the conversation, to ask her how she felt about her wedding day and what was hard for her, how it differed from what she might have expected (had she been to a temple marriage before, or was this her first one?), etc.


(Oh wow, that was super-long.  Sorry for taking up so much of the board!)