Thank yous - they came but didn't bring gift

journ2train

We had a casual, small wedding in October (70 people in all). It was sort-of a destination wedding - near San Antonio, we live near Houston. So, EVERYONE traveled whether driving a couple hours or flying in from out of state. I'm writing the Thank You cards now and realize a couple folks who came to the wedding didn't bring or send a gift. I'm happy they came though! Should I still write a note to say thank you for joining us on our special day?

[Deleted User]

It is really up to you. Most people say that the TY for attending is the reception. But others chose to write TY's to everyone regardless of whether or not they gave a gift. We wrote TY's to everyone. But I just didn't want to hear any family members talking that came but could not afford a gift hear from other family members that they did not receive a TY. That is just my family though.

SparrowSong

I think a person should be grateful for anyone who cares enough to take time out of their own busy lives to spend a day celebrating someone else's wedding. Yes, I do think that deserves a note of thanks. 

TheNick

I agree with the other posts. Sending a thank you card for the attendance is a nice gesture and the right thing to do.

MyUserName1

I think that writing a thank you when they didn't receive a gift comes off as some kind of backhanded way of pointing out that they didn't give a gift.

The reception is the thank you for attending.

Pjb1211

I think it's very nice to send a thank you for their gift of attendance and travel. Those were great gifts and they did spend money on the travel. It would be very polite and appropriate, in my opinion.

Kate61487

not neccessary.  It's not wrong, of course, so if you want to you can, but no one should be hurt that they didn't receive a note if they didn't give a gift.

MidnightMare

I am just curious, how does a thank you note for attending seem like fishing for a gift?  I would never think someone sending me a thank you note for possibly spending hundreds of dollars to travel to a wedding was asking for a gift. I would assume they understood what it took for me to be there and were greatful I took that time and money to spend with them.

pgcp

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thank-yous-came-but-didnt-bring-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:00c22194-1cdc-431d-9a52-dcdf745f76b9Post:cd466339-ab37-4ee5-8a22-ad9ace587628">Re: Thank yous - they came but didn't bring gift</a>:
[QUOTE]If they didn't send a gift, they will probably think a note of appreciation was really nice (I would).  But if they did send a gift but somehow it got lost, they will be expecting a thank-you note and the appreciation note will clue them in that you didn't get the gift.  So then they can let you know they sent one and you can try to find it. If they sent a gift and it got lost, and they didn't get a thank-you note, they will think you are rude.
Posted by lenergyrlah[/QUOTE]

yup!

Juris11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thank-yous-came-but-didnt-bring-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:00c22194-1cdc-431d-9a52-dcdf745f76b9Post:8d24145f-2a24-4ef8-a467-7cf92eb11026">Re: Thank yous - they came but didn't bring gift</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that writing a thank you when they didn't receive a gift comes off as some kind of backhanded way of pointing out that they didn't give a gift. The reception is the thank you for attending.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

I actually agree with this. This is how I think I would perceive it anyways.

foxybritches

I stood up in a wedding, where rental of the tux (yep, I was the girl groomsmen) and travel was basically all I could afford. I still got a thank you, that went along the lines of "Thank you so much for helping us to celebrate our wedding, we were so glad you could be a part of it!" and I thought it was very thoughtful of them to send a little note like that. I didn't feel that I had to send a gift, just that they appreicated my presence.

lenergyrlah

I would say,

"Dear xyz, it was so good to see you at our wedding!  We really appreciate you supporting us on our big day.  (maybe a sentence or two about the honeymoon or how married life has been so far).  Sometime we should catch up over coffee!

Love,

FI and me"

IMO this is not fishing for a gift and it technically isn't even a thank you note (you're not thanking them for being there, just saying it was nice).

The reception/favors are a thank you for being there.  Telling someone "thanks for the vase" is thanks for the vase.  Writing a thank-you note (or note of appreciation) is just being gracious.

lenergyrlah

If they didn't send a gift, they will probably think a note of appreciation was really nice (I would).  But if they did send a gift but somehow it got lost, they will be expecting a thank-you note and the appreciation note will clue them in that you didn't get the gift.  So then they can let you know they sent one and you can try to find it.

If they sent a gift and it got lost, and they didn't get a thank-you note, they will think you are rude.

ILoveToRobot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thank-yous-came-but-didnt-bring-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:00c22194-1cdc-431d-9a52-dcdf745f76b9Post:3ec833a3-9cfd-4245-8242-7c13e0d1eeba">Re: Thank yous - they came but didn't bring gift</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I'm in the camp that thank you notes should not be sent for attendance.  It can be construed as a backhanded way of fishing for a gift.</strong> Strictly etiquette-wise, the guests are supposed to thank the hosts for hosting them (for non-gift giving events like dinner parties, etc.).  The reception itself was your way of being gracious to guests who traveled to your wedding.  The meal, the entertainment and your thanking them in person is sufficient.
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

I attended a family members wedding on the opposite coast. It wasn't cheap by any means. I forgot to purchase a card before the wedding day but intended to mail one to them. Well time went by and I kept putting it off and forgetting. Truth be told I never sent them a gift. Oops I feel like a jerk but oh well. My cousin sent us a thank you card anyway and I didn't feel whatsoever that it was a backhanded way of fishing for a gift. I actually thought it was really nice that they sent us one since we spent so much to just travel to their wedding.

rebarobert2012

It is up to you.  I don't feel that a thank you is necessary for attendance because the bride and groom hosting the reception is the thank you for the guests attending the wedding.  I feel that thank yous are only necessary for gifts.

calliopeia2013

Split the difference!  Send them a nice card- not a formal thank-you card, but just a pretty little card saying that you enjoyed having them and that you were glad they could make it.

jemmini6

If they gave a gift, then you write a thank you.

If they travelled for your wedding (with or without a gift), then you write a thank you.

If they are local, and attended your local wedding, then no thank you is required as you should have thanked them in person at the reception.

(this is not any 'official' etiquette, just my family's rule of thumb)

RyansBelovedBride

Know your people. I think that's something we should all apply to wedding stuff. Even within the same country, culture varies greatly.  I've especially noticed this applies to gift givings. Gifts and customs involved with them vary greatly in different geographic locations in the country, and then more by family to family stuff. For example, at every wedding I've ever been to in the south there's at least a few if not the majority of guests that bring a physical gift to the wedding itself. Then I heard brides from another part of the US saying bringing a gift to the wedding itself was rude, you should send it to the house of the bride or her family before or after, but if you bring it the day of you require her to worry about how to bring it home from teh wedding, so it's rude.

That was bizarre to me, but okay, I can somewhat see the logic. But it doesn't mean I won't continue to bring a physical gift to weddings here. Because here, it's not rude. It's totally normal.

So what you should do is consider what the guests you're considering writing these notes to would consider normal.  Personally, I would never ever consider a TY note fishing for a gift, I'd think it was gracious and sweet, and I don't think anyone in my group of friends would feel differently. BUT obviously the clear divide of the knotties means in some cultures it'd seem like gift fishing. So figure out which camp your guests are in and act accordingly.