You did WHAT?! (Kind of long vent)

mespence47

Long story short: My FI is a high school football coach... Last night was the parent/player meeting with 40+ boys plus their parents in attendance.  

He was explaining the summer schedule and when he got to our wedding date he INVITED ALL OF THE BOYS TO OUR WEDDING.  Never mentioned it to me until this point. He at least told them that this would not include the reception, but still.  Our venue is very small and if they come it's going to be sardine style. 

I just wish he'd asked me first I would've have still let them come, but it wouldn't have been said in front of the parents... it would've been clear that just the boys were invited (not parents, girlfriends or other friends)... and I wouldn't have looked so mean because I blurted out, "We are?!" when he said we would like to extend an invitation... 

So I'm not really asking for advice, but c'mon! 

waltzingmatilda13

Yeah, that was not good. I know if it's worse that he invited them or invited to the ceremony only, or didn't invite their parents since they are all under 18, I assume. 

achiduck

Yikes, I'd be PISSED if FI invited a crap load of underagers without at least consulting me.

midgetthemighty

Wow. I would not be a happy camper if FI did this to me.

mespence47

That was my thought... If we are going to invite them, we have to invite them to the reception. I didn't want to do that, so I didn't invite them.. It's a couple of months out and he didn't give any details so is it okay if I hope they forget?!

AbbeyS2011

WOW.  That reminds me of the time FH invited his brother and his family along on a trip that I had been planning just for us and our family, then, told me about it a few days later.  The trip turned into a disaster, complete with the two brothers fighting/screaming at the top of their lungs at each other.  On the way home, I had this to say "Next trip will be just the four of us."

Not nearly as traumatic as your situation, but I know how you feel. 

waltzingmatilda13

In Response to Re: You did WHAT?! (Kind of long vent):
[QUOTE]I find it really inappropriate when teachers invite their students to personal events. If you are getting married in a church, there is nothing you can do to stop them from showing up to watch the ceremony if they know when/where, but actually extending an invite crosses a line for me.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

Yes. It might even be against school policy. Even if it's not maybe you can lie (I know, I know) and say it is and you were mistaken, but sorry, they can't come. 

mespence47

Is there any way to reign this situation in or am I just fudged at this point?

breaness

That's awful and such an awkward position to put you in! I've been to one wedding before where I was invited to the ceremony only. There were a handful of us who weren't invited to the reception and we went to dinner afterwards and talked about how rude it was.

DNAtime

I ditto PPs, I think its very inappropriate to invite your students or athletes to your wedding. 

Although I did get invited to a couple of quincenearas, I haven't gone. Once my students start graduating from high school I might go.....but thats different.

What to do now?  I have no fricking idea.  Say or do nothing? Hope they forget?

SirJuliusVonHaast

Oh wow, I was angry when FI invited like 5 people to our E party without checking with me (who now have to be invited to the wedding), but 40 high school kids is way worse!

OuachitaTrixie

I know what convo FI and I would have if he pulled a stunt like that...
and you'd prob be able to hear it from two towns over

SirJuliusVonHaast

Re-reading the OP, maybe it's good that you blurted "We are???". Some of the more perceptive parents might pick up on the fact that FI didn't clear this with you first. 

mespence47

I held it together pretty good, but cried myself to sleep. 

I know how much the boys mean to him (and they mean the world to me too) but this is just not the time nor the place.   UGHHHHHHHH

cengle

Maybe since they're a bunch of high school boys, they won't want to go? I don't know of many teenage boys that are excited about weddings.

waltzingmatilda13

I can't imagine that their parents are all that excited about them going to the wedding of their coach either. If I were a parent I would find that a little inappropriate. 

I really think your best bet is to check the school policy (if there is one) or make it up yourself and say that you are sorry, but they can't come according to the policy against students and teachers/coaches fraternizing outside school sanctioned events. I doubt anyone will actually look it up because they are just dying to attend your wedding. 

And I would really do your research so your FI doesn't actually get himself in trouble with the school administrators when the boys start talking about this in school. 

CamilleJon

Maybe you could have FI schedule a football practice with the assistant coaches during the ceremony...

Mrs.B6302007

I don't think it would be too bad to uninvite them given the circumstances of teacher/student relatinships.  He can tell them at practice.  "Look, I know I had said you guys can all come to the wedding but I've been advised that it's inappopriate because it crosses the professional line. I'm sorry guys."   And I agree that since it's a bunch of HS football boys, they're probably not going to be upset since they probably don't really care that much to begin with.  I'm sure they're happy for you guys but that doesn't necessarily mean they want to spend their Saturday afternoon in shirts and ties.

DNAtime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-kind-of-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:01532eb1-691f-4fa3-a82b-a670fbffa414Post:327fe884-5d64-406a-b8dd-170957ae6fc9">Re: You did WHAT?! (Kind of long vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think it would be too bad to uninvite them given the circumstances of teacher/student relatinships.  He can tell them at practice.  "Look, I know I had said you guys can all come to the wedding but I've been advised that it's inappopriate because it crosses the professional line. I'm sorry guys."   And I agree that since it's a bunch of HS football boys, they're probably not going to be upset since they probably don't really care that much to begin with.  I'm sure they're happy for you guys but that doesn't necessarily mean they want to spend their Saturday afternoon in shirts and ties.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]
Excellent advice. I would do this. 
Unless, you can't talk your FI into and he REALLY wants them there.....

lisa89760

Ok my FI is a high school soccer coach (both boys and girls) When the girls found out we were engaged they were like we ARE coming to the ceremony.  We haven't told them anything about it so I doubt they will show up.  But you have a few things to consider:

1. They are high school boys and I doubt care about the wedding and therefore probably won't show up.

2. you do not have to invite them to the reception, like it was stated before, high school boys...and I would even go as far as saying boys in general do not care about  etiquette.

3. When I was in high school I was very close with my basketball coach and the entire team went to his ceremony and him and his wife loved it! We just stayed in the back but we did take a picture with them. 

In the end, I understand why your FI might have done that.  I wouldn't get too worked up about it and just tell your FI to not mention it again unless someone asks.  I would bet that no 16/17 year old boy is gonna ask about a wedding.  My FI's boys team made fun of him for being engaged!

bmoruzzi

I work in a high school and agree that it's inappropriate to invite students to your wedding.  I even had kids ask me to go to their graduation party which I also turned down thinking it'd be inappropriate.  Basically I don't want to be somewhere other than school with my students.  Not that I don't care about them, I just like to keep work at work.  

amys325

To the OP, I don't necessarily have advice, but I can relate!  My husband was the same way.  We were having a DW, but then having AHRs afterwards and ANYONE he ran into he would invite.  It finally bit him in the ass when he opened his big mouth to someone we hadn't invited and the party was the next day....

Men and their big mouths ;-)

mespence47

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-kind-of-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01532eb1-691f-4fa3-a82b-a670fbffa414Post:6f7ef038-16fe-43d4-afc8-8b5d0f54c2bf">Re: You did WHAT?! (Kind of long vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]To the OP, I don't necessarily have advice, but I can relate!  My husband was the same way.  We were having a DW, but then having AHRs afterwards and ANYONE he ran into he would invite.  It finally bit him in the ass when he opened his big mouth to someone we hadn't invited and the party was the next day.... Men and their big mouths ;-)
Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

<div>It's kind of cute that they're excited and want to share, but give me a break... Men, sometimes, ugh! I think it's all going to work out in our case. I told him if he brings it up again, he is in big trouble. So I'm hoping that it was such a quick statement that they all just forget about it and enjoy their summers.  Its the weekend before their 5 day camp starts, so I'm assuming that they'd want to do something much more fun than attend my wedding... Even though a lot of them call me Mom :(</div>