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Etiquette - who can i leave off my guest list?

I recently got engaged and have just begun the planning phase.  In addition to paying for a wedding we are also buying a house.  This is my second marriage but my first wedding so i really want it to be nice!  That being said; we have a rough guest list drafted inclusive of parents, siblings, adult nieces and nephews, immediate aunts and uncles, first cousins, and only our closest friends.  The guest list is over 160 which is way more than we can afford, and have the wedding we want.  So my thought was this; cut the guest list down to parents, siblings, immediate aunts and uncles and only our closest friends.  Neither my fiance or I see our cousins but once every few years and have no relationships with any of them whatsoever.  My friends and coworkers have been with me through the 9 years of dating, the breakup, the reconcilliation, the proposal and engagment, an now they'll be with me through the planning.  I DONT want to exclude my friends!   My question is this; do i need to, or should i, send a letter to all family members that will NOT be invited and explain why and express my regrets about NOT being able to invite them, or do i just exclude them and let the chips fall where they may?   Any input would be much appreciated!  Thank you!

Re: Etiquette - who can i leave off my guest list?

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    rajahmdrajahmd member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    edited January 2013
    There's no need to send a letter. In fact, that could be more offensive than just not inviting them. It's generally considered rude to point out who's not invited.  You don't have to invite them. Just don't send them anything about the wedding and avoid talking about it around people who aren't invited.  Then if they saying anything about not being invited, they are the ones being rude, not you. Good luck!

    Edit: Spelling
    Anniversary
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    You don't need to let them know why they aren't invited. It would be more rude to bring attention to it than to just let it slide.

    Do not invite anyone who isn't invited to the wedding to any pre-wedding parties. Not engagment parties, not showers, not bachelorette parties, nothin'.
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    Just don't invite them. Don't send a letter of explanation. The fact that they are not part of your daily lives explains itself. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    "My question is this; do i need to, or should i, send a letter to all family members that will NOT be invited and explain why and express my regrets about NOT being able to invite them," No, of course you shouldn't send them a letter like this. What would it even be called? A noninvitation? They'll figure out they're not invited when they don't get an invitation. If they're rude enough to question you about where their invite is, THEN you can tell them that unfortunately, you and FI couldn't invite everyone you want.
    image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-who-can-i-leave-off-my-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0349e995-c1d0-4a7b-8977-7855cf1f90fePost:2f8b05d1-923a-46be-bf8b-447d1a29d237">Etiquette - who can i leave off my guest list?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I recently got engaged and have just begun the planning phase.  In addition to paying for a wedding we are also buying a house.  This is my second marriage but my first wedding so i really want it to be nice!  That being said; we have a rough guest list drafted inclusive of parents, siblings, adult nieces and nephews, immediate aunts and uncles, first cousins, and only our closest friends.  The guest list is over 160 which is way more than we can afford, and have the wedding we want.  So my thought was this; cut the guest list down to parents, siblings, immediate aunts and uncles and only our closest friends.  Neither my fiance or I see our cousins but once every few years and have no relationships with any of them whatsoever.  My friends and coworkers have been with me through the 9 years of dating, the breakup, the reconcilliation, the proposal and engagment, an now they'll be with me through the planning.  I DONT want to exclude my friends!   My question is this; do i need to, or should i, send a letter to all family members that will NOT be invited and explain why and express my regrets about NOT being able to invite them, or do i just exclude them and let the chips fall where they may?   Any input would be much appreciated!  Thank you!
    Posted by sourgirl910[/QUOTE]

    Fist, unless your first marriage was common law, this is your second wedding, but regardless, you're fine to just invite the close family and friends (and their SO's).  Most people understand that you just can't invite everyone.  But as PP's have said, don't send any kind of note.  That would be rude, just not inviting them isn't. 
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    This is becoming a trend.  Remember the recent posts from Dear Prudie about her finding that article on ehow.com on how to let people know they aren't invited to the wedding.  I wish there was a way to comment on the ehow articles to let people know that its bad form to do this!

    OP - I'm glad you came here to ask!  You got the proper advice!

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    I don't understand why this is becoming a trend. I mean, who in their right mind would want to receive a letter like this, let alone be the sender of one? Do people really think their wedding is the wedding of the century and therefore people need to be let down gently in a NOTE that they aren't invited?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-who-can-i-leave-off-my-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:Discussion:0349e995-c1d0-4a7b-8977-7855cf1f90fePost:3abcf20c-ff31-439d-b90c-6b66a630d9bb">Re: Etiquette - who can i leave off my guest list?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Etiquette - who can i leave off my guest list? : Fist, unless your first marriage was common law, this is your second wedding, but regardless, you're fine to just invite the close family and friends (and their SO's).  Most people understand that you just can't invite everyone.  But as PP's have said, don't send any kind of note.  That would be rude, just not inviting them isn't. 
    Posted by Gabrielle76[/QUOTE]

    actually, this IS my first wedding. I don't consider standing in front of a justice of the peace for less than 10 minutes, and then going home to clean the house a wedding at all. Long story, but thats how it happened... Anyway, thank you for the advice. I feel better knowing that we're not obligated to invite a bunch of ppl who pbbly don't wanna be there any more than we wanna pay for them to be there.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-who-can-i-leave-off-my-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0349e995-c1d0-4a7b-8977-7855cf1f90fePost:517ace56-058b-43ef-b080-c1cb2af0e66c">Re: Etiquette - who can i leave off my guest list?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette - who can i leave off my guest list? : actually, this IS my first wedding. <strong>I don't consider standing in front of a justice of the peace for less than 10 minutes, and then going home to clean the house a wedding at all.</strong> Long story, but thats how it happened... Anyway, thank you for the advice. I feel better knowing that we're not obligated to invite a bunch of ppl who pbbly don't wanna be there any more than we wanna pay for them to be there.
    Posted by sourgirl910[/QUOTE]

    Well did you get married during it? If not, then I wouldn't considering it a wedding either. BUT, if you did get married during that ceremony, it WAS a wedding. Unfortunately, that must have been a terrible, terrible wedding day.  Is it your first bit to-do with fluff and parties? Sure thing! But that was a wedding... but I digress.

    If you don't want them there, don't invite them. If you're a bit older anyway (I feel as though most second-weddings happen over the age of 35-40), I think they're probably settled in their own life and won't worry about your wedding.
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    " I don't consider standing in front of a justice of the peace for less than 10 minutes, and then going home to clean the house a wedding at all." Wow. WOW. It might not be the wedding of your dreams, but it was a wedding. Go look all those woman in the face that got married just that way and tell them you don't consider what they had a wedding.
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    In Response to Re:Etiquette who can i leave off my guest list?:[QUOTE]actually, this IS my first wedding. I don't consider standing in front of a justice of the peace for less than 10 minutes, and then going home to clean the house a wedding at all.Posted by sourgirl910[/QUOTE]

    Wow. Tell that to my mom and stepdad who have been happily married for more than 15 years and, gasp, had a JOP wedding. What you have just said is so unbelievably offensive to anyone who chooses to have a JOP wedding, and even more so to those who kill to even be allowed to marry legally.

    I bet you had no problem using the "legal status" of being married to your advantage. Whether it was your dream wedding or not, your JOP ceremony WAS a wedding, as defined by the fact that it resulted in your first MARRIAGE.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-who-can-i-leave-off-my-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0349e995-c1d0-4a7b-8977-7855cf1f90fePost:517ace56-058b-43ef-b080-c1cb2af0e66c">Re: Etiquette - who can i leave off my guest list?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette - who can i leave off my guest list? : actually, this IS my first wedding. I don't consider standing in front of a justice of the peace for less than 10 minutes, and then going home to clean the house a wedding at all. Long story, but thats how it happened... Anyway, thank you for the advice. I feel better knowing that we're not obligated to invite a bunch of ppl who pbbly don't wanna be there any more than we wanna pay for them to be there.
    Posted by sourgirl910[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Comments like this really grind my gears. My FI's grandparents got married at a JOP ceremony, just the two of them, wearing street clothes and they'll be celebrating their 55th anniversary this year. My own grandparents got married this way. As PPs have said, this is horribly offensive to those who chose a JOP <strong><u>WEDDING</u></strong> and actually cared more about being married than having a pretty princess day and being the center of attention. </div>
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