FMIL adding guests - advice please! (long)

kmcg8r

Hi all,

I wanted to vent/get some feedback on some things. I'm sorry if this is long, but for those of you who do read it, thanks. To give you a little history, my fiance and I were engaged in April and are getting married in September. We have decided to get married so soon because my fiance's brother is getting deployed overseas in October, so we wanted to make sure he could attend. We are paying for the wedding ourselves. I am 29 and my fiance is 31. As soon as we got engaged, we made the initial list which had over 150 people on it, and then we determined that had to be cut in half. After some really hard decisions, we cut our list down to about 80 people. Not only did we both want a small wedding as it was, but our budget dictated that was the easiest way to cut some costs. We discussed our 80 person list with both sides of the family and they both gave their blessings.

A few weeks later, my FMIL told us that she wanted to invite all of her siblings and their spouses, and all of her husbands siblings/spouses. All of these people were on the 150 person list, but most were cut when we were forced to make the decision (one set of aunt/uncle stayed on the list.) We disagreed with adding them to the list for many reasons, but primarily because she has been in an argument with most of them for the past few years and we did not want her to use our wedding as a means to either "make up" or worst case, argue at the wedding itself. But, we decided to add them to the list. Our list is now at 99 people.

Meanwhile, I am DIYing everything. Invitation paper and other supplies were purchased based on the original 80 people, so I had to make a few other purchases so their invitations can be made.

Yesterday, my FMIL asked/told us if we could invite her two friends and their spouses. Again, one set was on the original list, but was "cut out." The other set is strictly her friends, and were never on our original list. She said that they would pay for their food if they do come to the wedding.

I am getting very frustrated because I feel like we are being more than accommodating, and she keeps pushing for more. The cost of the food for the wedding is minimal compared to the costs we are enduring for each guest. We are renting a house where we have to bring everthing in. Anyone we add, we have to add another chair ($2.95), possibly another table ($10), possibly another linen ($20), alcohol (?), more invitation cardstock, postage, etc, you get the idea...

What would you do in this situation? Would you say "no, the list is set at what it is..." would you say "ok - ONLY these 4 additional people, but you are paying for their food", or would you say "ok - ONLY these 4 additional people, but you are paying for food and all other additional costs." It is getting to be VERY offensive to me, because I have saved for our wedding for many years, and she is making me feel awful that we cannot afford to invite everybody. I have reminded her that it is because of her other son which is why we are having the wedding so soon in the first place. Had we been able to save for a year and get married in April 2011, we would have been able to afford more and perhaps these other people would be on the list.

Help? (for those of you who read this all!!)

Thanks!

georgia_bride09

Your FI needs to tell his mother that you can't afford extra guests, and if she insists that they be invited, tell her you'll gladly add them to the list if she covers the cost of each, plus interest (for being a PITA).

J&K10910

I would just say no.  At this point, if you keep saying yes, she's going to keep adding people, and there's no guarantee she'll actually pay you either.  Just saying "Sorry, FMIL, we really want a smaller party with our close friends and family and this is at the exact top for our list and budget." and change the subject.  Or better yet, have your FI do it.  It's his mom.

tldh

Your FI needs to handle this.  It's his wedding also and he was part of the paring down of the original list.  Since her additions are coming to your piecemeal, it sounds to me like FMIL is talking about your wedding and being asked "I'm invited, right?" and she doesn't want to say no.

Our wedding is also small and we had to make the decision that parent's siblings are not invited across the board.  My mom keeps trying to get me to add them to the guest list.  I've had to tell her point blank, no, on several occassions.

kari316

It's hard because family members can hold a grudge if they're not invited so I can understand her wanting to invite her siblings, especially if they already were in disagreement and it would be nice to have it bring them back together, and friendships can be strained if feelings are hurt by not being invited to your kids' wedding.  But, if you are paying for it yourselves, your families should respect your decisions. 

If they offer to give you $$ toward the wedding that is a different story. Of course you have the right to say you don't want their money & want to do it your way... but it will go a long way in your lives together to make your parents happy. 

So... if they're willing to pay their share to invite a few more of their friends and family, I'd give them a number of people and the $$ they'd need to chip in and let them decide who they want to invite within that limit. 

Where you've already had to cut a lot of people - people who are close to YOU, the BRIDE & GROOM whose day it is, and the ones paying, I think your family needs to respect that you are keeping it small and intimate, and they won't be able to invite everyone they would like to.

[Deleted User]

Tell her no, or rather, have your FI tell her no since it's his mother. 99 people is plenty. You can still do 99 on a budget, especially with a lot of DIY projects. That's what I did, and the wedding probably cost us less than $3,000. Inviting family is one thing, but friends is another, especially if you're not close to them.

Ultimately, invite who you want to invite and don't let anyone guilt you into adding more. You're paying, you have the final say.

strlzfan11

Have your FI tell her no.  Adding family members is one thing, but friends are another.  If you give her an inch, she'll take a mile.  Put your foot down now.

hz80408

If you have a good relationship with her, I'd tell her no. If not, have your FI do it.  It sounds like not only did your budget dictate the reduced guest list, but also the fact that you and FI just didn't want a huge guest list.  Your wedding is ~2 months away.  The guest list should be final...and the only people making changes should be you and FI.

kmcg8r

Thanks everyone for your advice. I feel a lot better now because your thoughts resonate mine exactly. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being impractical. So thank you for your feedback.

My fiance is completely in agreeance with me on this. He has talked to his parents about it but his mother is very stubborn and everytime he talks to her it turns into an argument and he gets stressed out. She is constantly comparing our wedding to her daughter's from a few years ago and they are not the same at all. All of her friends were invited to her wedding. But yes, they paid for it, which is different. Someone said it best - that her friends are probably talking about the wedding and she doesn't know how to say no. Sigh...

But I will have him talk to her about it... because yes, this is getting a little out of hand. Thanks everyone. !!!

susieq87

My FMIL is pressuring us to have some guests that we don't really want because of budget reasons too. Although I get along with her well enough, she pressured to the point that my FI, who RARELY stands up to her, actually told her a very firm no. I wanted to cry. And I think it worked out better that way because even though she stills says all the time she wishes she could have them, she also knows that she is very close to making her own son very mad, which is very hard to do. I think that either you or your FI need to say that you cannot afford to pay for a huge wedding so soon, so NO.