WWYD - Bridesmaid & Bride

heyimbren

Okay ladies, I only post on E very occasionally but I have a WR question I'd like some input on.

I'm a bridesmaid in my friend's upcoming wedding. It was originally booked for May 2011, but she's decided to postpone it until "late August-early September" for financial reasons. I already have my dress and shoes to be a bridesmaid too (although they weren't that expensive).

She just sent us a message letting us know about this change of plans and two things caught my attention:

1) She asked us to try and keep from planning anything for the Fridays and Saturdays in that time frame since she doesn't know when it will be yet.

2) Three of her bridesmaids are in long-term relationships. She had previously told us that our SOs were on the guest list. She's now revoking that invitation to try and save some money. She's met our boyfriends, and the relationship lengths span from a year to three years.

So my question is, what would you do? She really is one of my closest friends, but this sounds crazy. There have been some other issues I've side-eyed but I'm not sure how pertinent they are to this specifically. I've had some people tell me to just back out, but would you really back out over this? Should I try bringing it up with her? Any thoughts or even criticism are welcomed. If I'm being ridiculous just say so.

Thanks.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-bridesmaid-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:05781bfe-c8de-4be6-a351-0b4ff4076237Post:3d42d029-a9e7-4b8a-ad78-6712cb549326">WWYD - Bridesmaid & Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay ladies, I only post on E very occasionally but I have a WR question I'd like some input on. I'm a bridesmaid in my friend's upcoming wedding. It was originally booked for May 2011, but she's decided to postpone it until "late August-early September" for financial reasons. I already have my dress and shoes to be a bridesmaid too (although they weren't that expensive). She just sent us a message letting us know about this change of plans and two things caught my attention: 1) She asked us to try and keep from planning anything for the Fridays and Saturdays in that time frame since she doesn't know when it will be yet. 2) Three of her bridesmaids are in long-term relationships. She had previously told us that our SOs were on the guest list. She's now revoking that invitation to try and save some money. She's met our boyfriends, and the relationship lengths span from a year to three years. So my question is, what would you do? She really is one of my closest friends, but this sounds crazy. There have been some other issues I've side-eyed but I'm not sure how pertinent they are to this specifically. I've had some people tell me to just back out, but would you really back out over this? Should I try bringing it up with her? Any thoughts or even criticism are welcomed. If I'm being ridiculous just say so. Thanks.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

<div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">Do nothing right now.  Don't purposely plan something for then, but also don't put your life on hold waiting for her to set a date.  I think it's really shitty that she won't invite SO's at all.  But wait until she sets a date, and then decide if that works for you or not.  </div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">
</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">I don't think it's really ridiculous for her to ask to try and keep the dates open this far out, but hopefully she picks a date soon.  If for some reason you are trying to plan a vacation or something just call and ask if she has a date picked yet because you're making plans.</div></div>

[Deleted User]

I would definitely talk to her. I would not back out of the wedding considering you already have spent money on a dress and shoes.

Honestly, it sounds like a lot of things are up in the air right now for your friend and her FI. Perhaps wait to talk to her about what I am going to say next until they have decided on a date for sure.

Explain to her there are other, less important things they can cut besides not allowing some of their good friends to bring their SO's. Do you know any other of the tentative details of the wedding right now? For example, if they are having chair covers or doing favors, talk to her and tell her those things aren't really necessary and she can still have a nice wedding while not straining friendships.

tidetravel

I would do what you can to keep the weekends open for now, so far as you can. As far as the SO situation, I would try to mention to her how rude it is to revoke the invitation, and split up a couple.  That being said, it's really up to you how personally offended you want to be by it.  If you want to go to the wedding, then go.  If it's too much of a hassle, or the culmination of things that you side-eye is too great for you to overlook, then decline.  Either way, I would be upfront with your friend as to why you made the decision that you did. 

heyimbren

Missy, I am aware of a fair amount of the wedding details and I know she's on a budget. I just wasn't sure if it would be considered rude to actually come out and tell her it isn't polite to revoke that invitation and invite us without SOs.

Does anyone have any advice on how to word it? We'll be meeting up over the holidays and I'm sure the wedding will come up, so I was leaning towards trying to fit it into the conversation then.

hlq2011

It's really lousy etiquette to not invite a SO of any guest in a long term relationship, and even worse to do it to the wedding party.

I probably wouldn't back out, if I were you, even without having spent money on attire so far.  But I'd tell her I don't feel right coming without my significant other, and see what she has to say.

And if something comes up for that timeframe that she's blocked out, I'd go to her and say, hey, such-and-such is supposed to go on this weekend, and I'd like to do it, and how soon can you know a specific date.  It's utterly ridiculous for her to expect you to block off two months of your life until she gets her crap together.

Beachy730

Are you seriously considering backing out of the WP and the wedding completely if your SO can't go?  If so, then you can just be honest with her.  Say something like "I was really disappointed when you said you were uninviting SO to your wedding, and also offended that you think so little of my relationship with him that you would not allow me to bring him.  I am not sure if I will be attending the wedding without him being invited."

tidetravel

You could send her here.  We'll set her straight.

heyimbren

dnbeach - I had a couple people mention it to me IRL. Honestly, I wouldn't back out over JUST that and without talking to her first. But I wanted the poll to include various options, see what the consensus was. I don't think it's a point that I really want to make, and I'd regret missing the wedding later. I can be honest and admit that.

andy71781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-bridesmaid-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:05781bfe-c8de-4be6-a351-0b4ff4076237Post:a41e515a-cea6-4972-b7f8-8ed1168e2357">Re: WWYD - Bridesmaid & Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]You could send her here.  We'll set her straight.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
I think this would be the most efficient approach.

Simply Fated

I would talk to her and see what's up.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-bridesmaid-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:05781bfe-c8de-4be6-a351-0b4ff4076237Post:a41e515a-cea6-4972-b7f8-8ed1168e2357">Re: WWYD - Bridesmaid & Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]You could send her here.  We'll set her straight.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

I clearly left out a poll option.

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-bridesmaid-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:05781bfe-c8de-4be6-a351-0b4ff4076237Post:a41e515a-cea6-4972-b7f8-8ed1168e2357">Re: WWYD - Bridesmaid & Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]You could send her here.  We'll set her straight.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

<div>Yup.</div><div>
</div><div>Super cute picture of your daughter, Tide.</div>

artbyallie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-bridesmaid-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:05781bfe-c8de-4be6-a351-0b4ff4076237Post:a41e515a-cea6-4972-b7f8-8ed1168e2357">Re: WWYD - Bridesmaid & Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]You could send her here.  We'll set her straight.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>I also vote for this option.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I want to see the fireworks if she does. :)</div>

NOLAbridealmost

Don't back out just yet.  Is your friend's breach of etiquette on that point really worth possibly ending a friendship? I mean, it's not every day that someone's budget woes become so serious that they actually have to postpone their wedding.  I am sure that she doesn't want it to be this way. I'm not condoning what she did or anything...I just think that she's bound to be more upset about a friend backing out of the wedding than you are about having to go stag for a night.

But the whole "keep your schedule open thing" is definitely something you need to discuss with her sooner than later.  That's just unreasonable. 

mikeynkrib2011

Late August/early September is nearly nine months away so I'd give her a couple months to figure things out.  That is a very busy season for weddings, and she has to make sure her photographer, venue, a baker etc. are all available on the same day.

 Yes, it is inconvenient that she changed her date, but at least she's giving you a timeframe to expect.  Plus, you agreed to be her bridesmaid and weren't making plans for the weekend in May that she was originally getting married.  Nothing has really changed except the date.

As for the SO situation, I would just talk to her.  If she's not having anyone's SO attend the wedding, then that's her decision.  I know she verbally ok'd it, but unless she sent out invitations with their names on it, it isn't really inappropriate to change who she invites...especially if she can't afford it.

Remember, she's paying for the guests to attend.  I doubt she maliciously disinvited the SO's, and if it's really bothering you that they aren't invited, by all means talk it over with her by telling her how you feel.  She may see your perspective and change her mind!!! 

hlq2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-bridesmaid-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:05781bfe-c8de-4be6-a351-0b4ff4076237Post:d6d95657-aef4-426f-a225-96b6bb69950c">Re: WWYD - Bridesmaid & Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]As for the SO situation, I would just talk to her.  If she's not having anyone's SO attend the wedding, then that's her decision.  I know she verbally ok'd it, but unless she sent out invitations with their names on it, it isn't really inappropriate to change who she invites...especially if she can't afford it. Remember, she's paying for the guests to attend. 
Posted by mikeynkrib2011[/QUOTE]

It IS inappropriate to not invite one half of a social unit, which is what the bride is doing.  Budget is not a reason for poor etiquette.

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-bridesmaid-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:05781bfe-c8de-4be6-a351-0b4ff4076237Post:ada33407-a0ec-46ee-9064-082db806dccc">Re: WWYD - Bridesmaid & Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD - Bridesmaid & Bride : It IS inappropriate to not invite one half of a social unit, which is what the bride is doing.  Budget is not a reason for poor etiquette.
Posted by hlq2011[/QUOTE]

Exactly. Remember this?
<div><div style="color:#000000;background-color:transparent;text-align:left;text-decoration:none;border:medium none;"><h3>Miss Manners' top 5 gentle wedding reminders </h3><p><strong>1.</strong> When you had that childhood wedding fantasy, you were a child. If you don't have better taste and a greater sense of social and fiscal responsibility now, you're too immature to get married.</p> <p><strong>2.</strong> <font color="#0000ff"><strong>People are more important than menus. Figure out first whom you want to have there, and then what you can afford to serve them, not the other way around.</strong></font></p> <p><strong>3.</strong> A phrase you will be happier if you forget: "the perfect wedding." Perfection does not exist this side of heaven, especially when it involves complicated arrangements and all kinds of other people, and you'll drive yourself and others crazy if you think you can achieve it.</p> <p><strong>4. </strong>Another phrase you will be happier forgetting: "It's your day." The joining of two people involves two (or more) families and other relatives and friends, and you ignore their feelings and comfort at your peril.</p> <p> <strong>5. </strong>Your guests are not your personal shoppers.</p><span>Read more: <a style="color:#003399;" href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/06/04/LVOD1DGTV3.DTL&ao=2#ixzz17d3fvz8H">http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/06/04/LVOD1DGTV3.DTL&ao=2#ixzz17d3fvz8H</a></span></div></div>

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-bridesmaid-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:05781bfe-c8de-4be6-a351-0b4ff4076237Post:d6d95657-aef4-426f-a225-96b6bb69950c">Re: WWYD - Bridesmaid & Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]As for the SO situation, I would just talk to her.  If she's not having anyone's SO attend the wedding, then that's her decision.  I know she verbally ok'd it, but unless she sent out invitations with their names on it, it isn't really inappropriate to change who she invites...especially if she can't afford it. Remember, she's paying for the guests to attend.  I doubt she maliciously disinvited the SO's, and if it's really bothering you that they aren't invited, by all means talk it over with her by telling her how you feel.  She may see your perspective and change her mind!!! 
Posted by mikeynkrib2011[/QUOTE]

You are wrong. 100% wrong. Please stop giving bad advice.

mikeynkrib2011

A social unit includes spouses, fiances and established partners.  I think 'established' is hard to define...does that mean six months?  Two years?  A couple who may not have been together long but decided to live together?

In this case, yes, it sounds like these are 'established' couples...but I think the entire situation needs to be looked at.  It sounds like the bride is having major financial issues, and she should to be trusted that she's making the best decision she can to somehow continue to afford the wedding.  

We don't know what the bride and groom already paid for, what her new budget is, etc so it's impossible to define what she is capable of nipping and tucking.  It isn't proper etiquette not to invite established SO's, but she's in a tough spot and I have sympathy for her.  I would think that her bridesmaids would have sympathy too if they just talked to her and found out the whole story...unless, of course, it was only the BP plus ones that were taken off the guest list.  I'd be upset about that too!

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-bridesmaid-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:05781bfe-c8de-4be6-a351-0b4ff4076237Post:45a88232-9019-41c7-ac41-4e2459ff484e">Re: WWYD - Bridesmaid & Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]A social unit includes spouses, fiances and established partners.  I think 'established' is hard to define...does that mean six months?  Two years?  A couple who may not have been together long but decided to live together? In this case, yes, it sounds like these are 'established' couples...but I think the entire situation needs to be looked at.  It sounds like the bride is having major financial issues, and she should to be trusted that she's making the best decision she can to somehow continue to afford the wedding.   We don't know what the bride and groom already paid for, what her new budget is, etc so it's impossible to define what she is capable of nipping and tucking.  It isn't proper etiquette not to invite established SO's, but she's in a tough spot and I have sympathy for her.  I would think that her bridesmaids would have sympathy too if they just talked to her and found out the whole story...unless, of course, it was only the BP plus ones that were taken off the guest list.  I'd be upset about that too!
Posted by mikeynkrib2011[/QUOTE]

Here's what I can tell you: these SOs were previously (verbally) told they'd be invited. By the time the wedding roles around, the relationships will range from a year and a half to about 4 years. The catering cost would be $50 for those 3 guests combined. And one of those BMs gave the bride a monetary gift of a few hundred dollars.

J&K10910

Are you really upset at her asking you to try to not make plans for 9 months from now?  Because I'm Type A and I STILL don't make plans that far ahead. 

I'd talk to her about the SO thing and let her know that it's pretty rude and people are/will be upset about it, and see where it goes from there.

cherbein

I feel bad for your friend because she must be in some financial trouble to push her wedding date back.  I'm currently giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's stressed, confused and just not thinking straight as opposed to being an outright bitch.

The date timeframe doesn't seem that bad to me.  If something does come up then that you want to do, I agree with PP's that you should just talk to your friend and see if she can narrow down the window for you.

Uninviting your SO's is a bit of bad form.  I'd talk to her and see what drove her to this.  Perhaps it just happened in the initial panic and she'll see the light as she gets her plans in order again.

Don't drop out because as you said before you'd probably regret it later.  talk to her and see if you can help her plan a nice event on a tighter budget without cutting out her bridesmaids dates

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-bridesmaid-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:05781bfe-c8de-4be6-a351-0b4ff4076237Post:e5ee01bf-2376-4ee6-a3bd-6b8a1e0240c7">Re: WWYD - Bridesmaid & Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you really upset at her asking you to try to not make plans for 9 months from now?  Because I'm Type A and I STILL don't make plans that far ahead.  I'd talk to her about the SO thing and let her know that it's pretty rude and people are/will be upset about it, and see where it goes from there.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

By plans, the only thing that would come up is possible vacation plans. If I go away this summer it'll be in either July or August, but that won't be up to me.
That's just to clarify that I don't mean I'm planning movie dates or girl's nights this far in advance.

SirJuliusVonHaast

Personally, if the catering costs were really just $50/3 = 17$ pp, I would talk to her and say that the bridal party really wants to bring s/o and if money is the issue then the bridesmaids are willing to pay for their own dates. I wouldn't do that for $100 pp catering, but for 17$ it seems not worth the trouble of having drama.