Sticky Invitation Reciprocity Question

emils1987

My fiance and I are planning on having a private, family-only ceremony where we live and a reception/party in our hometown. He wants to invite a female friend of his that he's known since high school, so for about 10 years or so. (She had a "huge crush" on him in high school but he says it's platonic now). His family is also very close with her, although that was years ago, as nowadays they barely visit. This friend of his is also engaged to a divorced man with kids who is OVER TWICE her age. In addition, the past two parties we had, she was very frosty towards me and did not speak to me. Oh, wait, she did take the time to tell me that she really doesn't like diamonds at our engagement party (probably because I'm wearing a diamond ring from who I suspect is her 'one that got away'). Regardless, we are invited to their wedding. My fiance and I do not have a lot of money, and I have no desire to spend the $$ on a plane ticket to go to this girl's wedding, especially because I do not want any part of her marriage. So, my questions are:

1. Do I have to attend her wedding, since by then I will be my fiance's wife? I can't control whether or not my fiance goes; it's his friend. It'll be his money too. 

2. Do I have to invite her to my wedding reception/party? She's not a family member so she doesn't merit the automatic invite. And having her there would upset me. Unfortunately, my fiance really wants her there, as she used to be a good friend of his. So, we both feel equally strong about this but on opposite directions. Sigh. Any thoughts/opinions would be most helpful!

akhensley81

I think the answer to both of your questions is to have a honest conversation with your FI about how you feel. I understand he sees her as a good friend... but does he understand how uncomfortable she makes you feel? If this were my situation, there's no way in helll I would invite her to my wedding.

georgia_bride09

I wouldn't go to her wedding. As for inviting her to your wedding, you and FI need to decide that. Ask him WHY he wants her there and go from there. It seems as though she may be in your social circle, since she's been to two recent parties. If it would be weird not to invite her, I would.

georgia_bride09

It also sounds like you need to grow up a bit.

noodle_oo

There are 2 things that bother me about your post:

"I can't control whether or not my fiance goes; it's his friend. It'll be his money too.

And having her there would upset me. Unfortunately, my fiance really wants her there, as she used to be a good friend of his. "

It sounds to me like you guys need to talk about this.  Does he not understand how you feel about her?  Has he not seen her be cold and unfriendly to you?  Is he really such good friends with her?  I have 2 opinions:  First, if someone was outwardly rude to me, I would not go to their wedding or invite them to mine.  And I'm sure FI would agree, assuming he's aware of it.  However, on the other hand, FI definitely has some friends that I don't like and I tolerate them for his sake becaues I know they are important to him.  In this case, since he knows she used to "have a thing for him" it seems really odd that he's still friends with her.  Anyway, either way, I think you need to talk to FI about it.

And note, you need to make it a constructive conversation. Your tone in the first statement above sounds attacking and petty.  You guys are a couple and you need to make decisions together, including compromising on these things sometimes.

quotequeen

You don't have to go just because you're married.  Your husband can go by himself.  But this:

I can't control whether or not my fiance goes; it's his friend. It'll be his money too.

You'll be married.  It will be both of your money.

As for whether to invite her to your wedding, you and your FI need to reach an agreement on that.  Of course you aren't obligated to, but if he really wants to, well, it's his wedding too, and he gets a say.  You need to discuss it with him.

emils1987

Thanks for the insights/comments. This is my first post, so I'm glad to see some thoughts on my ranting I guess the reason I sound annoyed/angry is because, well, I am! I was friendly and chatty to her at the parties we were at, but no go. You'd think she would want to get to know me if I were going to marry one of her best friends. That's why it makes me uncomfortable to invite her. 

To clarify: the wedding ceremony itself will be family only and in a different city, so there's no guest list to speak of there. Besides, the reception/party will be big anyway, so odds are I won't even see her if she's there...

srkropf

Best advice-- ask your FI these questions and have a grown up converstation where you voice your concerns and how you're uncomfortable with her attitute and listen to why he wants her there.