Inviting Cousins

k9psycologist

My finance and I come from semi-large families.  We have a lot of cousins, some of whom we haven't seen or heard from in years, and some that we are very close to.  Is it ever okay to pick and choose which cousins come and which ones aren't invited?

quotequeen

Etiquette-wise, you can invite whomever you like (as long as social units are invited together).  This is a question of family dynamics that only people who know your family can answer.  How upset are people going to be if you do this, and how much do you care?

danieliza1127

We did.  I have cousins that live out of state that I haven't seen since I was in middle school or maybe high school and I was 30 when I got married, so they weren't invited.  My H has cousins that we see regularly because they live here, and we're pretty close to them, so they were all invited.  

It's okay to use common sense here.  Just think about your own family though and whether anyone will be offended if you don't invite certain cousins.  My family wasn't, but everyone is different.

M&R7111

We have the same situation.  His father is one of eight.  So we have seven aunt/uncle pairs, each with 3 kids for cousins. FI is also the youngest in his family, so all of the cousins are married, so we have 14 aunt/uncles, 21 cousins, and 21 spouses.  Just with his  aunt/ uncles and cousins, they make 56 people!

Many live in the mid-west (we are in Jersey) and FMIL states "they won't show up".  However, and against MY reasoning, we HAVE to invite them anyway. 

My advice:  If you don't have a pushy FMIL and a FI who bends to her decisions regarding the wedding, don't invite them if you don't want to.

FutureMrsTR

I invited all of the cousins from my mom's side because we saw each other every weekend and they were more like brothers and sisters to me.  I didn't invite either of my two cousins on my dad's side because they lived in France and then FL so I hardly ever saw them.

FI didn't invite any of his cousins because he has a zillion and never sees any of them.

It's really what you and your family will be comfortable with.

opalsky007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a241de5-2c20-4911-9d9e-8c5e8c5082eaPost:1a5c6221-cf4b-49f8-b2b6-92bf0891bddb">Re: Inviting Cousins</a>:
[QUOTE]We did.  I have cousins that live out of state that I haven't seen since I was in middle school or maybe high school and I was 30 when I got married, so they weren't invited.  My H has cousins that we see regularly because they live here, and we're pretty close to them, so they were all invited.  <strong> It's okay to use common sense here.  Just think about your own family though and whether anyone will be offended if you don't invite certain cousins.  My family wasn't, but everyone is different.</strong>
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

This. It didn't make sense to me to invite second cousins that DH hadn't seen since childhood, but MIL saw that as a slap in the face. So they got invited. Run your prospective guest list by your immediate family, and if someone says, "You forgot Cousin So-and-so", then re-evaluate.

cat1121

My second cousin is getting married this weekend and I have to admit that it never occured to me to invite her to my wedding. We just haven't been in touch much since my grandparents died.

I hestitated when I checked yes on her invite....I was wondering if I was one of those people that she felt obligated to invite but was hoping wouldn't show up to keep her count down.

I said yes though and in turn am inviting her to my wedding. The rest of our families will be there and it will be nice to socialize with them and who knows...it might start up a friendship with her that we haven't developed as adutls.

But I'll admit. I still wonder if I was this person.

JessAndTrav

Use your discretion. Don't leave out spouses or long-term s/o's. If you invite cousin A who is a sister to cousin B, but cousins A&B don't come from the same immediate family as cousin R, then I would invite cousins A&B, but I wouldn't feel the need to invite cousin R. 

marisah83

If it will create family drama if you don't invite them, then send invitations.  The thing to remember though is that if you aren't that close to them, they probably won't come anyway.

Kreskin79

I'm in a similar situation!

Background: My dad is one of three siblings; my mom is any only child.

We're going to invite my mom's first cousins and their respective kids because they're all more like first cousins to me, as I technically have none on that side.

We're inviting my dad's first cousins (the ones we see at weddings, anyway) because...well, they're my dad's first cousins. 

The quandary is, do we invite the two adult kids of the first cousins?  I'd just as soon not.  I don't hold animosity toward them, but I barely ever saw them before their own weddings and haven't since; I wouldn't know the respective husbands if they came up and smacked me. 

One of my first cousins is getting married in May '11 - I have to see whether they're inviting said cousins.  I'll follow their lead.  If it wasn't for my cousin's wedding, I'd leave these four off the list - I'm pretty sure they wouldn't care.

marissamcd

I had the same issue. I have 5 cousins on my dad's side from one aunt.  I asked if I could only invite the 2 I liked and was told that wasn't an option.   So I had to invite none.   I think as long as you're not picking and choosing between siblings you should be ok. 

altdeer

I invited a bunch of cousins I hadn't seen in years.  I knew they wouldn't come, and in fact I hadn't been invited to most of their weddings, but I also knew that if I invited some and not others there might be problems.  $2 an invitation was worth it to avoid drama, in my mind.

k9psycologist

Thank you all for the great advice!  We are still quite a ways away for needing a finalized guest list so I will just have to talk it out with our respective families to see what they think!