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lilja032

xcfdetting frustrating!

getaclue44

I understand your frustration, but I think my FIL's would feel the same way--total generation thing--maybe politely tell them once that you are just going to have to agree to disagree and if they keep harping on it ask your FI to step in--

ElisabethJoanne

Next time it comes up, say, "We've had several serious discussions about this already, and I've made up my mind. Let's not discuss it further. Do you have a good recipe for bean dip?" If they bring it up after that, you can try to bean-dip the topic, or you can walk away.

MyNameIsNot

I think you are handling it right.  Your FILs sound really closed minded and rude.  I wouldn't bring it up again, but if they do, your response is great.  It's hard to stay level headed when someone is being so blatantly rude.  

It might also help if you and your FI come up with a unified response about how the two of you will choose your future children's names as you see fit, should that topic come up again.  

mahoganieyes

I would leave it alone. I had the same bs when people, mostly dh relative made a comment about me keeping my lastname. A family is not defined by the same lastname.

tenofcups4me

I wouldn't "call a meeting" or sit them down to say it specifically, but I think that's a perfectly reasonable response if they bring it up again. I WOULD ask your FH to call his parents (or meet with them) to specifically say this is s a decision the two of you have made together, he fully supports it, and please stop bringing it up to you.

Re, the kids. WTF? They don't get to decide what last name your children will have. Period. You're well within your rights to shut that conversation down too.

em01092

Um, wow. Your FMIL sounds pretty ballsy to be declaring to you what name your kids will have. I'm glad your FI is on your side, because stuff like this is bound to come up again, primarily when the hypothetical kids are actually born. They get no say in that, so don't let them bully you into anything. If you were already planning on the kids taking your FI's name, then just tell her that so she'll shut up about it, but regardless, that was really rude of her IMO. 

monkeysip

It's just really none of their business.

Although, I'm wondering if you are/will be offended by people calling you by Fiance's last name in casual, social situations?  For example, would it offend you for people to address your X-mas card to "Fiance and you Fiance's last name"?

I'm not saying it's wrong or right either way, I'm just saying this is the only kind of thing that you need to talk to other people about.  Otherwise, it's really none of their business what name you want to have or what last name you give your children.

LittleMissCutiePie

Not to mention, what if you didn't even want kids? Then that would be even more innapropriate. She just needs to keep her mouth closed.

littleluckypenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-of-last-name-dramas-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b42fb12-9810-4834-8760-ae48bbb33f87Post:ab67b510-1931-4597-ba56-3da8fe129cad">Re: Changing of my last name dramas. WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE] Re, the kids. WTF? They don't get to decide what last name your children will have. Period. You're well within your rights to shut that conversation down too.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

<strong>This.  </strong>A hundred times this.  The nerve!  I got extremely upset just reading that!

Bonzo2011

I had a similar situation. I'm not changing my name, for a variety of reasons. I hadn't brought it up with the FILs because...well, I really didn't know how to bring it up in conversation and thought it would go over best if it just came up naturally. Well, a week before Christmas, FMIL posted a picture of a FedEx box addressed to "Bonzo TheirName" with the caption "Bonzo's present came today!" on Facebook. And random cousins commented how cute it was. Then I got a phone call from my aunt freaking how because she's FB friends with FMIL and she knew I wasn't planning on changing my name, and what happened....general freak out. I calmed her down, and when FI got home I told him what happened. He called his mom, and I don't know exactly what he said to her, but the next day FFIL had a major freak out that I wasn't changing my name. Luckily, FMIL was really understanding, put together the fact that my mom didn't change her name, calmed him down a bit. He settled down more when we explained our plans for kids (mine as second middle, his as last) and I told him some of my reasons. Turned out his freak out was related to holiday stress and my name was just the tipping point. Knowing my FILs, and the amount of stress in that house before Christmas, I'm not too surprised anymore. Anyway, the point is, you're not alone! But stay strong in your convictions and be united with your FI. As long as the two of you are happy, everyone else just needs to learn to live with your decision. No one else has any say in this.

DramaGeek

It's been 9 years and my ILs are still pissed about it.  They find it rude and offensive <eye roll>.  There's really nothing you can do, but be prepared for them to use his name for you even though they know it's wrong.

RebeccaB88

I'm keeping my name, and I don't give two craps about what my FIL's think about it.  I don't care what ANYONE thinks about it.

But then, FILs don't know about it yet, so if they do have a freak out about it, it will be up to their son to tell them to put a cork in it on the subject.  And he'll be more than happy to, lol.

toothpastechica

Ironically, I wouldn't mind that drama...I am changing my last name, I will have the same initial, but have never been that attatched to my last name and figure life will be easier with one name...and like it or not, it does make it easier when kids are involved, having a different last name can be the difference between needing both parents signatures on a school field trip form etc...if your cool with that thats fine, just saying thats one of the reasons I am changing mine. My drama comes from my mothers side of 3 uber feminist aunts and a crapload of cousins who cant understand why in the world would I change it, (not to mention why am I having a traditional wedding). To them its a huge breech of womans rights for me to change my name...but my mom changed her name, and I could care less about my last name, im not close to my dad's side of the family at all, I just think its going to be easier for me both socially and when kids are in the picture to have the same last name as FI.

kpdorr

I'm not changing my name either, my sister didn't change hers, its just part of our identity. My FMIL said nothing more than "wow, you girls are rebels!" I think she wishes I'd take their last name, but I think a part of her admires my choice. Meanwhile, my dad's side of the family (whose last name we have) still adresses my sister as Mrs. Husband's last name, despite 9 years of marriage and correcting them... then again they also adressed their Christmas card this year to Megan and Denise when his name is Dennis... Families are odd.

I agree with PP that a sit down may nto be necessary, but the next time it somes up have that conversation with them.

kmmssg

First off, kudos to your awesome FI.

I'm curious, does FI have a sister?  I wonder how your FIL's would feel if she didn't want to change her name.

If they persist, I would have FI tell them firmly to knock it off and that it is a closed topic.  They need to know that if they keep this up, they are damaging the relationship.

LuluP82

I changed my name (rather, I added my H's last name and kept my maiden name as a 2nd middle name), and had my DAD freak out on me about it. Which is odd, because he's pretty traditional normally, but I guess he always thought I'd never change my name. I frankly could care less (I think a name is just a name), but it was important to H and I do think it's easier for kids/in social situations, so I did it.

Frankly, I think there's always high emotions floating around during weddings. Combine that with expecations people might have (likely your in-laws always expected their son's wife to have the same last name, their grandchildren to have the same last name, etc) and it's a recipe for drama. Sorry you're dealing with it.

Calypso1977

my IL's were the same way.  they still dont like it, but for the record, no one has been confused by the two different last names, nor has any paperwork gotten "messed up" (something else people told me would happen) and i'm pretty sure if we ever had kids, the school would know which ones are mine.

hoffse

My FI wants me to change my name, I can tell, but he says the decision is mine.  My last name and my FI's are EXTREMELY close.... like if my last name was "Smith" his would be "Smithman."  No joke.  I'll probably change it because there's no good way to combine them or add my maiden name as my middle name.  That said, my friends, parents, even myself call me by my full name and reference me by my full name... so my last name almost feels like part of my first name.  I still haven't fully decided what to do, but honestly the drama that I anticipate with FILs probably won't be worth it to me to keep it, since our names are so close to begin with.  I can't see them understanding the rationale behind that... I brought it up to my mom and she didn't get it, even though she didn't change her name for months after the wedding, because she was like, "your last name's still there, just with some letters on the end."  Not the same to me, but we'll see...

entropicbeauty

I guess I'm really lucky, my FMIL didn't change her last name either of the times she married, my FBIL's wife didn't change her last name, so I think naturally my FI didn't expect me to change mine...and I won't!

The kids thing, if we ever have any, is a bridge I'll cross when I get to it - but I agree with PPs that stated their name is part of who they are.

Definitely don't back down, but it's not worth getting in a fight with them over it. Eventually they will have to accept it. Good for your FI for standing up for you though! With him backing you I'm sure they'll get over it.

Jaridds68

[QUOTE]Ironically, I wouldn't mind that drama...I am changing my last name, I will have the same initial, but have never been that attatched to my last name and figure life will be easier with one name...<strong>and like it or not, it does make it easier when kids are involved, having a different last name can be the difference between needing both parents signatures on a school field trip form etc..</strong>.if your cool with that thats fine, just saying thats one of the reasons I am changing mine. My drama comes from my mothers side of 3 uber feminist aunts and a crapload of cousins who cant understand why in the world would I change it, (not to mention why am I having a traditional wedding). To them its a huge breech of womans rights for me to change my name...but my mom changed her name, and I could care less about my last name, im not close to my dad's side of the family at all, I just think its going to be easier for me both socially and when kids are in the picture to have the same last name as FI.
Posted by toothpastechica[/QUOTE]

I've never heard of this (field trip thing). My mom and her 5 sisters all kept their names, and I really don't think it makes things that much more difficult w/ kids. Yes, there were a few ppl that made assumptions about their last name, but the important ppl/places (schools, drs, etc) always knew my mom's name. It's a personal choice and I'm sorry your mom's family is getting on your case about keeping your name.
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noodle_oo

This is your choice.  I know it sucks that the in laws can't understand it, but it doesn't matter what they think.  If I were you, I'd just ignore them.  If they bring it up, change the subject or just tell them you understand their position, but you disagree.  Try not to let it get to you.  Don't argue with them or try to convince them of your point of view.  You have to accept you can't explain this to them and have them agree with you.  So just don't engage the conversation.

Then, when you get married, just don't change your name.  They'll get used to it eventually.  They might still send you mail to Mrs. His Lastname.  But just let it roll off your back.  It honestly doesn't matter.

And what you choose to do with any future kids is also none of their business.  They can have an opinion, but there is nothing they can actually do about it.

noodle_oo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-of-last-name-dramas-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b42fb12-9810-4834-8760-ae48bbb33f87Post:90298c7d-0a18-4d0e-b4b4-744cefb02c55">Re: Changing of my last name dramas. WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ironically, I wouldn't mind that drama...I am changing my last name, I will have the same initial, but have never been that attatched to my last name and figure life will be easier with one name...and like it or not, it does make it easier when kids are involved, having a different last name can be the difference between needing both parents signatures on a school field trip form etc...if your cool with that thats fine, just saying thats one of the reasons I am changing mine. My drama comes from my mothers side of 3 uber feminist aunts and a crapload of cousins who cant understand why in the world would I change it, (not to mention why am I having a traditional wedding). To them its a huge breech of womans rights for me to change my name...but my mom changed her name, and I could care less about my last name, im not close to my dad's side of the family at all, I just think its going to be easier for me both socially and when kids are in the picture to have the same last name as FI.
Posted by toothpastechica[/QUOTE]

She didn't ask for your opinion on whether or not to change her name, so your post is irrelevant.  Just because you want to change yours doesn't mean you shoudl try to convince others to do the same.

lilja032

Thanks for all your opinions guys! Good to know that I'm semi doing the right thing. If it keeps going Fi is going to be really firm about it. It really irritates him that they're involving themselves in something that really is none of their business at all so it's nice that I know he's willing to stick up for me. We are planning on having kids and my last name will be their middle name and they will take Fi's last name. I don't see how it can complicate things having two different last names regarding toothpastechicas field trip point-a lot of kids have divorced parents with two different last names so I don't see how this is any different from that! 

KatyRoseM

I also had similar problems in the reverse.  I changed my name and my friends wouldn't stop telling me it was a bad idea (I'm not feminist enough, his name was stupid, it was the wrong ethnicity and so on).  Eventually you have to put your foot down and tell them its none of their darn business, and to back off.  I know its easier to do with friends because when they don't sometimes you just drift apart, but its the same basic idea.  Its also good if your FI does it, it shows he is on your side.

Side note, I'm not trying to say she should change hers, just share my experience. 

toothpastechica

I never said I was trying to convice - on the contrary if your attatched to it keep it, but don't feel pressured to change or to keep it, I just stated that even if you do change your name you can have drama, and thats theres considerations to consider either way.

kmmssg

I don't think there will be issues at school.  Find me a teacher anywhere that doesn't have a decent number of kids from a "broken home" and mom has remarried.  When I remarried and changed my name the school could have cared less because my name and information was on file with their yearly registrations.  You won't have to worry about needing two signatures or anything else.  If Susan Johnson is Billy Smith's mom, Susan Johnson can sign anything she wants to sign for him with no questions asked.

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-of-last-name-dramas-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b42fb12-9810-4834-8760-ae48bbb33f87Post:2e82dbc8-adcd-4477-a98e-519259c65490">Re: Changing of my last name dramas. WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think there will be issues at school.  Find me a teacher anywhere that doesn't have a decent number of kids from a "broken home" and mom has remarried.  When I remarried and changed my name the school could have cared less because my name and information was on file with their yearly registrations.  You won't have to worry about needing two signatures or anything else.  If Susan Johnson is Billy Smith's mom, Susan Johnson can sign anything she wants to sign for him with no questions asked.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

<div>This is very true.  In fact, more of my kids have a different last name from a parent (usually mom) than have the same name.  It's gotten to the point that I'm actually surprised when a kid has the same last name as his/her mom!</div>

danishcanadian

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-of-last-name-dramas-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b42fb12-9810-4834-8760-ae48bbb33f87Post:2ce1bb32-60b7-45b5-bb67-0d0b603fd423">Re: Changing of my last name dramas. WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Changing of my last name dramas. WWYD? : She didn't ask for your opinion on whether or not to change her name, so your post is irrelevant.  Just because you want to change yours doesn't mean you shoudl try to convince others to do the same.
Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]

I don't think that's the case at all, here. All she was doing was stating that while this is a common problem (people can't accept the keeping of one's name) it works both ways too, and that some folks can't understand why some would change their name. I understood this from the moment I read the word "Ironically."

danishcanadian

I took my mother's maiden name when I was 19. My Canadian side (Dad's) is obvious since I live here, speak English, and have a somewhat North American first name. When my husband heard my story, he told me "don't you dare change it when we get married!" I told him good, because I wasn't going to change it for ANYONE!

I think that speaking up as you stated in the original post, is not going to rick any boats, just "tug on their anchor a bit" so to speak. That's a good thing!!! As a married couple, you need to worry about your own boat gettng rocked, not theirs. If they don't want their boat rocked, they ought to let go of the side of yours, and sail on their own.

Just remind them that you're adults, and as such, entitled to make your own decisions. Also, what you name your kids is YOUR BUSINESS!!!!