Gotta get this off my chest

scottswife1106

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:2a2c23be-40d1-4535-86ca-87ebfb3b5c09">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm still transitioning into this combined finances thing too.  It's hard for me to get used to, since I've been managing myself for over a decade, and now there's H too.  Right now I make more than him, so I pay for all of our common expenses, and he puts his paycheck toward paying down his student loans.  There are times when I feel a little snarky, though. <strong> He'll leave all the lights on in the house, leave all 3 three TVs on, and I'll think, "If he saw our electricity bill, he might remember to turn things off"</strong> (nevermind the whole environmental side of things!).  I think this all takes getting used to, scottswife.  I'll cross my fingers that things look better for you and your H (economically) soon.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

THIS.

When I got home yesterday, both tvs were on and the desktop. He was sitting at the diningroom table, with his laptop and the radio on. I just shook my head.

LDYGTR13

Good lord, the $Onecent always gives freaking awesome advice.

scottswife1106

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:c15a1742-3585-4485-b983-061df1c86c44">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gotta get this off my chest : I completely agree. I also realized that I needed to stop looking for jobs for H because it came off as nagging or like he wasn't good enough to find one himself.
Posted by lovethebeach16[/QUOTE]

I haven't done this, but I will forward him emails about job fairs and things like that.

FutureMrsTR

Does the school have any kind of part time job assistance?  He should look into the Art Institutes.  Just from working here, I know they give part time job assistance and their career services dept is great at helping grads find jobs in their field within 6 months of graduation.

scottswife1106

I guess it has also hit me hard because I would call our relationship, before he lost his job, perfect.

We had never had an argument or anything and then WHAM......money issues!

[Deleted User]

I will admit, I look for jobs for H, too. And now since he has given his resignation and I will be the only one working, we will probably be in the same boat real soon as you.

leed0019

I understand how you feel.  My FI and I have been together for awhile and used to live together (can't for the pre-maritial counseling.)  He lost his job for a short time which resulted in us living off of my part-time job while paying tuition.  It was not the best situation to be in, and it sucked.  I couldn't say anything to him or to anyone we knew because it would get back to him and make things even worse.  During this time I lived by something my grandpa used to keep telling me, "it all works out in the end.  It might not be how you hoped, but it still works out."

To all those over analyzing what OP is saying lay off!  Every now and then everyone just needs a little place where they can let off stem and in this situation this may be the outlet.  I am pretty sure it is not about the ring, or about this one incident in general.  

scottswife1106

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:03ea67d1-950a-43ec-bdce-bf68aa8ea1a8">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]Does the school have any kind of part time job assistance?  He should look into the Art Institutes.  Just from working here, I know they give part time job assistance and their career services dept is great at helping grads find jobs in their field within 6 months of graduation.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

He went to career services yesterday and got a couple of leads. He has to fill out some paperwork and hand it back in.

I think that before Tuesday, he felt like I had everything under control.

dannie134

For those of you who've gone through having H lose his job, how did you start the chores conversation?

We moved for my job (which pays enough to support us both), and H hasn't been able to find work here yet (it's been 4 months).  He is struggling, as this is the 2nd stretch he's had without a job.

He is home all day, I am at work all day, and the one thing he does around the house is take care of meals most (but not all) nights.  While I love that and it's awesome, I don't know how to tell him that I really wish he would wash dishes, or clean the house, or really do anything else to help out at home.  I end up doing all those things evenings and weekends, and it's kind of making me exhausted.  But I don't want to make him feel worse about an already difficult situation.

scottswife1106

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:cb25e650-3df0-4fe8-a424-3d38473ad8cd">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand how you feel.  My FI and I have been together for awhile and used to live together (can't for the pre-maritial counseling.)  He lost his job for a short time which resulted in us living off of my part-time job while paying tuition.  It was not the best situation to be in, and it sucked.  I couldn't say anything to him or to anyone we knew because it would get back to him and make things even worse.  During this time I lived by something my grandpa used to keep telling me,<strong> "it all works out in the end.</strong>  It might not be how you hoped, but it still works out." To all those over analyzing what OP is saying lay off!  Every now and then everyone just needs a little place where they can let off stem and in this situation this may be the outlet.  I am pretty sure it is not about the ring, or about this one incident in general.  
Posted by leed0019[/QUOTE]

I live by this and the fact that I know that I am being tested because I KNOW H would do it for me with no complaints.

I guess because I have taken care of my 2 children by myself for so long, I wasn't expecting that marriage would add to me taking care of someone else. At least, not this soon.

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:ab4722df-62dd-47ae-95b9-1a919f36dd7b">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gotta get this off my chest : I agree with Kiki. And I know how you feel to an extent.  My H was unemployed for a year and a half.  It can get really frustrating.  I had many days where I felt like I was going to fall apart.  You just need to have open and honest communication about what is expected of each of you in the relationship.  For example, after a couple ugly and ineffective arguments, we finally got a point where H really understood that I needed him to take care of all of the household things so I didn't feel like I was doing everything.  He definitely went through a period of depression and some denial and it sounds like maybe your H is feeling the same way.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

<div>We're in a similar situation.  I've been unemployed for a few months, but nobody wants to hire me until after the wedding.  I've been taking care of nearly all of the household stuff and going to school full time.  If FI is going to work 40-50 hours a week, so am I.  I just do it at home.</div>

StacyJenniges

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:651c372a-0a27-45b4-aedf-d6d638fd4343">Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]I am so upset at the things that have happened since I got married. My husband lost his job and recently, I took a pay cut at work. The past 6 months have not really gone the way I thought they would, but I am making the best of it. Tuesday I found out that my H had not been paying the jewelry bill. We purchased our wedding rings on a credit card because it was interest free for a year. I knew that we would be able to pay almost everything off  next month. NOT! We would have had about 3 months that we would have had to pay interest on. No prob. H is 2 months behind and now I have to pay the bill because the card is in my name. I know that was not the smartest thing to do but him losing his job just messed everything up. I am tired. I really am. I know that him getting laid off was not his fault and marriage is about having one another's back but ,whew, somethings gotta give. I know that things will get better but I am PISSED that I am having to pay for my own ring. PISSED!! I haven't said anything to H because he feels bad enough that he can't help out but I hate feeling this way. I don't talk to my friends and family about our problems because they are ours and its none of their business. Just needed to vent. Thanks ladies!
Posted by scottswife1106[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry that you are going trough this tough time.  The first year I hear can be tough for some people, and then to add a finicial strain that would definantly add an extra complexity to things.

I have a question for you.  Are you Christian?  If you are I suggest praying about these issues.  I have been in finacial issues too, and after I really started praying to God about it, and I mean talking to him all day long, I started seeing things improve. 

I think you are right it not talking to him about it you seem to understand that you being upset is about you and not about him. 

Sending you wishes that things get better.

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:c466fc9c-0c48-468b-b523-9907bc37ebb5">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]For those of you who've gone through having H lose his job, how did you start the chores conversation? We moved for my job (which pays enough to support us both), and H hasn't been able to find work here yet (it's been 4 months).  He is struggling, as this is the 2nd stretch he's had without a job. He is home all day, I am at work all day, and the one thing he does around the house is take care of meals most (but not all) nights.  While I love that and it's awesome, I don't know how to tell him that I really wish he would wash dishes, or clean the house, or really do anything else to help out at home.  I end up doing all those things evenings and weekends, and it's kind of making me exhausted.  But I don't want to make him feel worse about an already difficult situation.
Posted by dannie134[/QUOTE]


I'm not proud of this, but our first conversations started with me crying and yelling about it because I had avoided talking about it because I didn't want to be a nag.  Then when I could calm down about it, I would explain how I wanted to actually spend time with him when I got home instead of doing all of these chores.  it might sound weird, but he actually preferred if I wrote down what I needed done.  Because if I told him when I left in the morning while he was still half asleep, he would forget and he just didn't see the same things I saw that needed to be cleaned/picked up/washed or what have you.

emilyinchile

Scotts, my reaction to your OP was to wonder why you were PISSED about paying for your own rings but not PISSED about your H falling behind on a bill and not telling you, which to me is a way bigger issue. I see now that you've kind of addressed that, but your initial post combined with you saying you never really had any problems before this makes me want to suggest that you be really aware of really thinking through the things that bother you and then communicating with your H.

f you've never dealt with some of the big issues, I can see how you'd think that you were pissed about something little like paying for your own ring and miss the bigger picture issue which could, down the road, be the one that comes back to hurt you/your relationship.

Dannie, as far as how to address chores with your H, just do it. You're married, so you should be able to talk to him about how while you really appreciate the cooking, you need more help with other chores and discuss what he thinks is a fair division of labor. Just talk about it like you talk about anything else in your marriage. Because trust me, he is not just going to magically figure it out.

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:c466fc9c-0c48-468b-b523-9907bc37ebb5">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]For those of you who've gone through having H lose his job, how did you start the chores conversation? We moved for my job (which pays enough to support us both), and H hasn't been able to find work here yet (it's been 4 months).  He is struggling, as this is the 2nd stretch he's had without a job. He is home all day, I am at work all day, and the one thing he does around the house is take care of meals most (but not all) nights.  While I love that and it's awesome, I don't know how to tell him that I really wish he would wash dishes, or clean the house, or really do anything else to help out at home.  I end up doing all those things evenings and weekends, and it's kind of making me exhausted.  But I don't want to make him feel worse about an already difficult situation.
Posted by dannie134[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I lost mine, and FI had to have this talk with me.</div><div>
</div><div>He just said that he only has so much energy in one day, and he gets frustrated when he comes home from a 14-hour work day and the house is in the same state of disrepair it was when he left.  We agreed which chores he would continue to do, and the rest of them were assigned to me.</div><div>
</div><div>Since we worked that out, we've had much more time to spend together.  He's calmer in the evenings, and we get to have (a homemade) dinner together nearly every night.  We also have more time to go on walks together, watch a movie or get busy.  I hate cleaning, but we're both happier this way.

</div>

jessicabessica

My situation, briefly, is that my FI moved to a place where there was a very slim chance he would find a job remotely in his field because I had a year-long job offer that I wanted to pursue.  FI currently does volunteer work and some contract work that is vaguely in his field, and he is working on a side project from home that could make money eventually, but doesn't right now. 

Like MrsTR, I find it helpful to list things that I would like my FI to do while I'm at work.  If I just tell him, it usually doesn't get done--he doesn't have a great memory, and if he's at all distracted (like if I ask him to take the garbage to the dump while he's reading an article), he won't remember.  Sometimes once I get to work, I'll email him a list of things that we decided he would take care of that day to remind him.  We've had a few discussions about nagging versus reminding, and I feel more comfortable now that I know that he appreciates getting the emails/lists, and it also helps me not have to ask him about it everytime we talk, which I don't like doing and I feel like it's not good for our relationship. 

I'm also really concerned that I am respecting his time and what he does, which is hard sometimes, because if there's a chore that needs to be done, and he's on his computer, I'm willing to suck it up and do it myself if he's working on his project, but not if he's playing a game.  There are some really delicate issues involved--and it helps that my FI doesn't have a huge ego--but I don't ever want him to feel like he needs to do everything around the house just because I have the paycheck.  It's hard. 

One thing about job searching help--it's also a hard thing to balance.  I used to send my FI lots of job openings I thought might be remotely interesting, but it just became another thing to nag him about (did you get my email?  what did you think?  did you apply?  did you hear back?  etc.).  No real advice there, but I guess just be careful not to go overboard and be aware that it might just be upsetting and overwhelming at some point, so it might be good to talk to your H about if he'd like you to forward him things, if he'd prefer that you sent him a weekly thing rather than a note whenever you found something, etc. 

waltzingmatilda13

SW, I see you've gotten some good advice since I posted and went to lunch. But you have to admit that at first it came across as another complaint about your H doing something wrong, which seems to happen to you a lot. I think you need to start looking at the positive in life and hopefully things will start looking up for you soon. 

dannie134

I just came back from lunch, and wanted to say thanks for your helpful advice.  We have good communication in general, and I guess I just need to stop thinking he will magically know that i wish he were doing more, and let him know what exactly he could do to make things easier on both of us.

OP, sorry for the slight threadjack.  I think when a job situation changes, your expectations also have to change - our engagement got delayed by almost a year because H lost his job the first time.  But we made it work.  And I'm sure you will, too.

NuggetBrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:8c69131a-a15c-43a4-b1be-02d6396b1806">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Gotta get this off my chest : I'm sorry that you are going trough this tough time.  The first year I hear can be tough for some people, and then to add a finicial strain that would definantly add an extra complexity to things. I have a question for you.  Are you Christian? <strong> If you are I suggest praying about these issues.  I have been in finacial issues too, and after I really started praying to God about it, and I mean talking to him all day long, I started seeing things improve.</strong>  I think you are right it not talking to him about it you seem to understand that you being upset is about you and not about him.  Sending you wishes that things get better.
Posted by StacyJenniges[/QUOTE]

Did God make it rain Benjamins or something?

Habs2Hart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:0aa6ab2d-d43a-4f11-8d37-9735520966b4">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]SW, I see you've gotten some good advice since I posted and went to lunch. But you have to admit that at first it came across as another complaint about your H doing something wrong, which seems to happen to you a lot. I think you need to start looking at the positive in life and hopefully things will start looking up for you soon. 
Posted by waltzingmatilda13[/QUOTE]

I agree.  I thought it was just a big complaint.  I think you've gotten some really good advice from some ladies who have been in similar situations in the past. 

I can understand what happens when communication breaks apart, and that seems to be a bigger issue than the money, which you seem to know and understand. 

LDYGTR13

Emily has given me some of the greatest advice ever when it comes to H. I hold what she says with really high regard. Not that I dont take everyone's advice, but Emily always says it bluntly but with a kind twist.

Basically, I love EiC and I dont care who knows it.

jrkjpf

Can i say i know how you feel? Not about having to pay for my own ring, but the frustration of having a SO being out of work. FI has been laid off twice in the past year and a half, and we fear it may happen again very soon. He is unable to find another job in the same field that will pay him what he makes, as well as his current employer is paying for him to go to school. You really need to be able to communicate during this time, as well as I am assuming your H is at home a majority of the time? If this is the case, make him feel as if he can help you out by doing some things around the house. This is not easy for him as well, just by knowing how FI felt. The economy is horrible all over our nation, and world at that, but the 2 of you really need to help each other through this. I am the breadwinner in our relationship, and have come to terms that there are times that I will need to contribute more financially then he can, but at the sametime, I don't make him feel bad about it. It will get better, like i said over and over again, you two need to communicate and find way to make it work.

jemmini6

All I can add is make sure you get your communication about bills in check soon.  Your H sounds sort of like my dad...he had lost his shortly after they got married and didn't want to tell my mom that he couldn't pay the bill, so he didn't.  When she found out about it, she just paid it and didn't talk to him about being more open with her about it.  It's gone downhill ever since, even when he was the breadwinner in the family, he would just not pay a bill until something got shut off....

So just make sure you start off on the right foot...if you are having issues, you need to make sure H talks to you about it.  If not, it might become a really bad habit that you can't break.

The Mel and Todd Show

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:5a271350-53f2-4c94-9d37-b07b467e108e">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gotta get this off my chest : Did God make it rain Benjamins or something?
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

I probably haven't told you yet this week how much I love you.  I do, you know.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:3a3163e2-1b8d-47e5-8de7-4e087d2e8197">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]What happened to 'what's mine is yours' and "<strong><font color="#0000ff">for better or worse'</font></strong>? If you are that stuck on how much money you are spending vs what he is spending, then you are in for a world of problems already.  You need not to resent your H for the money he makes.  You work together.  That's what marriage is. 
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

This is just the beginning of a life filled with disappointments and unanticipated set backs, which will be intertwined with joyous moments and boring, regular days.  Paying for your rings jointly is not a big deal, you already made that choice when you put the rings on a credit card in your name.  It's time to get past it and try to work on the underlying communications issue.

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:8448f491-46d4-4a17-8f88-cde73053786b">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think this is about paying for your own ring.  I think the problem is that he didn't tell you he was 2 months behind on the payments.  That's a communication issue (and I know, I've been there).  You really should talk to him about it.
Posted by RobotLegs[/QUOTE]
I completely agree.<div>
</div><div>I also think the "livejournal" comment was a bit rude, regs post life stress stuff all the time.</div>

[Deleted User]

FI and I have completely combined finances.  We have both of our paychecks direct deposited into the "bills" account.  We have $1000 per month automatically transferred to the "wedding" account.  And we each get $600 per month for "spending" money (gas, food, entertainment, clothes, etc).

We have a bill spreadsheet with dues dates and amounts...a passwords document....and access to Mint.com (which has all of our finance informatoin on it). 

We are 100% open and honest about all things money related.  We talk at least 1x per day about money, bills and upcoming expenses.  And we are so much closer for it.  We've created a plan, and we are working together to make it happen. 

kellyjellybelly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:99c86ad5-7084-4d48-88f2-7f82345b2a1a">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gotta get this off my chest : I completely agree. I also think the "livejournal" comment was a bit rude, regs post life stress stuff all the time.
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]
Well, if you thought that was 'rude' then there were a whole lot more 'rude' comments after that....

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gotta-this-off-chest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0d5757b4-4a75-4e3d-8df5-e52556f9f494Post:d6e5f51c-da69-4c68-aa19-fd02d4fcaef1">Re: Gotta get this off my chest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gotta get this off my chest : Well, if you thought that was 'rude' then there were a whole lot more 'rude' comments after that....
Posted by kellyjellybelly[/QUOTE]
*shrugs* <div>All the other comments had their point of view based on the way the OP was written. The live journal comment was just unnecessary, and I don't say that often. </div>

Beachy730

Wow thanks for chiming in 10 hours later. And what makes you think my point of view didn't come from how it was written?