How to invite some to the ceremony and some to the reception?

Lkientz

I am getting married in September and we have chosen a small church that seats only 80 people, but our guest list is totaling about 150. How do you reccomend doing the invitation and the wording?  

kikibaby

I recommend you don't, because this is rude.  Either get a bigger venue for your ceremony, or only invite those 80 people to the reception.  Would you want to celebrate an event you weren't even allowed to witness?

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-ceremony-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0e3eaf13-425a-44de-bb83-9a3606a887efPost:98c3d113-5334-4aaa-a613-1fd0a2dae559">How to invite some to the ceremony and some to the reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am getting married in September and we have chosen a small church that seats only 80 people, but our guest list is totaling about 150. How do you reccomend doing the invitation and the wording?  
Posted by Lkientz[/QUOTE]

I recommend inviting 80 people. This isn't rocket science - you need to invite everyone to everything. If I'm not important enough to watch you get married, don't expect me to show up bearing a gift to the reception.

laurenclaire1386

I recommend finding a space big enough for your entire guestlist or cutting your guestlist. Either way, everyone needs to be invited to both things. It's not really an either/or thing.

SaraAndrew2010

If your guest list is 150 people, why did you choose a church that only seats 80?  Either cut your guest list down to 80 or find a bigger church.

It's very rude to invite half of your guests to the ceremony and tell the other half that they are only good enough to come to the reception.

mkrupar

Ditto PPs. Why would you chose a church that only seats 80 with a guest list of 150 people? or vice versa, why would you create a 150 person guest list and then book a church for only 80 of them? Either find a new ceremony venue or cut your list and only invite 80 to both. You can't do what you propose w/o being rude.

angiebear11

I don't understand this line of thinking at all.  What makes a person with a 150 person guest list think "oh this church only holds 80 people, but our guest list is 150... oh I guess we can only invite 80 people to the ceremony and then the rest to the reception."  Um, no.  My first thought would be "oh I guess we'll have to find a bigger ceremony venue.

Mrs.B6302007

No can do.

Find a bigger venue to include everyone or cut your list down to 80.

jaimebeth9

I'm so glad to see that some things never change.

mandysmear

JAIMEBETH!

HOLLA!

Mrs.B6302007

JB!  Blast from the past!

forrma7

yeah, just to add...

my parents were recently invited to a reception, but not the ceremony. it wasn't clear to most of the guests that they weren't actually attending a ceremony, and it was very awkward for everyone, including the bride. the bride could tell that her guests were upset and confused which really added to her stress.

so not just for the sake of your guests who would be extremely offended that they werent invited to the actual wedding, but for your own sake, don't add to your worry. only invite as many guests as you can accommodate fully. 

jaimebeth9

Ha ha, I was spotted!

mandysmear

What is new in your world?  Why don't you ever stop by?  I was just thinking about you the other day.

Kristin789

Maybe you can put a poem in the RECEPTION ONLY invitations.  Like this:

We're not inviting you to the ceremony part,
During that time, we suggest you shop at KMart.

Then you can join the rest of us
At the big blow-out dinner dance with lots of fuss.

Please bring a really big gift,
And about missing the ceremony - don't be miffed.

You just weren't close enough to either of us to witness our marriage,
But you sure are close enough to get us something off of the registry.

Oh, wait.  The poem kind of fell apart there at the end.  Maybe you can think of a way to fix it. 
Oh wait again.  Don't fix it.  Throw it away, because you really, really can't do what you've suggested.  Even with a poem.

mkrupar

Wow, that was actually funny Kristin.

Lkientz

I totally understand what you all are saying, but can't you just have an intimate wedding and invite just family? Then have both friends and family at the reception? This is just a question, I'm not trying to be rude to my friends or looking to get gifts from those who attend either.

mica178

I personally love it when Kristin is inspired to poetry.

Lkientz, some people do have intimate wedding ceremonies and have a larger reception.  But if they go that route, the ceremony is usually only for immediate family only (parents and siblings and that's it).  Not the 80 of 150 people that you feel like inviting to both.  If I found out that I was on the wrong half of your "close friends" I would be very hurt.

emilyinchile

You can invite immediate family - that means parents, siblings and I'll even give you grandparents. Even a Duggar does not have 40 immediate family members (and that's assuming each of you makes up about half the guest list). Also, 80 people is not intimate. If you are just doing immediate family, and there'll be like 10 people, and the venue just happens to fit 80 which is why you mentioned it, then fine.

Anything more than that, when you start getting into aunts and uncles and cousins and your absolute BFF from elementary school and ok, her boyfriend too and then also this other friend because she only knows that couple and would feel weird coming by herself later...then you're into tiered reception territory, and it's just not ok.

kikibaby

80 people is not an intimate, family-only ceremony.  Unless you have about 70 siblings.

Lkientz

**we have chosen a small church that seats only 80 people**

We are not looking to FILL the church, I just said it seats 80 people. Now, to avoid confusion I was asking what people would do for wording on the invitations.

jaimebeth9

Oh not much new at all actually.  Work work work.  Still no babies.  Other than that, life is good.  

emilyinchile

[QUOTE]**we have chosen a small church that seats only 80 people** We are not looking to FILL the church, I just said it seats 80 people. Now, to avoid confusion I was asking what people would do for wording on the invitations.
Posted by Lkientz[/QUOTE]

Well you'll have to excuse us for not reading your mind there to realize that you were only going to invite immediate family.

When you say "we do not have space at the ceremony venue for everyone we want to invite to the party," I don't read it as "regardless of the size of our ceremony venue, we have chosen to have a family only ceremony."

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-ceremony-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0e3eaf13-425a-44de-bb83-9a3606a887efPost:75ecacfb-ee6b-4155-b8c5-129de29b4864">Re: How to invite some to the ceremony and some to the reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]**we have chosen a small church that seats only 80 people** We are not looking to FILL the church, I just said it seats 80 people. Now, to avoid confusion I was asking what people would do for wording on the invitations.
Posted by Lkientz[/QUOTE]

You can issue invitations to just the reception and then include enclosure cards for inviting those extra to the ceremony.

But please understand that MANY people will find what you're doing to be offensive.  Many view the reason for the reception to be the ceremony.  And many don't understand why it's fine to invite someone to the party but not the reason for the party.

So while you CAN do this, please understand that as you make this choice, you're most likely hurting a lot of feelings as you do so.

jerseydevil

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-ceremony-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0e3eaf13-425a-44de-bb83-9a3606a887efPost:c09c28a3-c869-46db-a41f-3d90d1cc1e34">Re: How to invite some to the ceremony and some to the reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to invite some to the ceremony and some to the reception? : You can issue invitations to just the reception and then include enclosure cards for inviting those extra to the ceremony. <strong>But please understand that MANY people will find what you're doing to be offensive.</strong>  Many view the reason for the reception to be the ceremony.  And many don't understand why it's fine to invite someone to the party but not the reason for the party. So while you CAN do this, please understand that as you make this choice, you're most likely hurting a lot of feelings as you do so.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Very true and if you go the enclosure card route people will probably be like "oh, obviously they forgot mine" and get the address from someone who got it and show up anyway.

Either cut the guest list or find a bigger space.

mandysmear

Sorry Jaimebeth, not sure if you're still lurking.  No babies!  Still trying?  No babies over here either, which is the plan for now

lynnmfrank

OK, I SO don't get this.  Where is it written that you have to invite everyone to the ceremony who is also invited to the reception?

Forgive me, I'm a 47 year-old bride and perhaps I don't know alot, but I have been an church organist since age 12 and can't tell you how standard this has been throughout my life.

Why do you invite only some to the ceremony and others to the reception?
1. I did it becauase I have a lot of friends who want to wish us well, but I want a quiet ceremony.  Thus, family and very few friends will be at the ceremony and brunch and everyone will be at the reception later that afternoon.  I've seen many, many other couples do this without offending anyone and no one died.  This isn't my first marriage but wait--I'm not supposed to register gifts either, right? Wow, there is alot of guilt in these blogs....

2. You can't afford to feed everyone.  Why do so many brides feel like they have to "fake wealth" to their family and friends when they get married?  We aren't.  We are doing what we can to celebrate with people who care about us.  Our friends keep telling us to spend our money on the honeymoon and not on feeding them.  YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEED EVERYONE A MEAL, it has become quite chic to do cocktails or cake and coffee, provided you don't schedule it over a meal hour.

I can't help but say it. SHAME on you gals for trying to guilt someone into doing her wedding YOUR way.  I'm appauled.

Lkinetz.  Only you know what is right for you and your husband to be.  The people who love you will understand and support your decision. 

lynnmfrank

In my shock, I forgot to tell you how we did our invite:

Large invitation: reception information in all envelopes
Small insert card: parking, hotel info and registry (yes-we broke the rule so people didn't have to guess), in all envelopes
Small card: ceremony/brunch information that went to family and few close freinds.

I know, I should be featured as "The Knot's" worst bride ever....such a rude, rule breaker--but strangely, happy and relaxed despite.....

Summer2011Bride

I agree you should cut the list or find a bigger space. if your heart is set on the space you have and you can only invite 80, you could possibly do a low-key, casual gathering for all 150 people a few weeks after the wedding to celebrate your marriage. I have had friends do this or those who are getting married out of town have a local party for everybody there. Just a thought.

Bubbalub

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-ceremony-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0e3eaf13-425a-44de-bb83-9a3606a887efPost:03e1cd16-4d56-410e-b7cf-b280c745c7f0">Re: How to invite some to the ceremony and some to the reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]OK, I SO don't get this.  Where is it written that you have to invite everyone to the ceremony who is also invited to the reception? Forgive me, I'm a 47 year-old bride and perhaps I don't know alot, but I have been an church organist since age 12 and can't tell you how standard this has been throughout my life. Why do you invite only some to the ceremony and others to the reception? 1. I did it becauase I have a lot of friends who want to wish us well, but I want a quiet ceremony.   Thus, family and very few friends will be at the ceremony and brunch and everyone will be at the reception later that afternoon.  I've seen many, many other couples do this without offending anyone and no one died.  This isn't my first marriage but wait--I'm not supposed to register gifts either, right? Wow, there is alot of guilt in these blogs.... 2. You can't afford to feed everyone.   Why do so many brides feel like they have to "fake wealth" to their family and friends when they get married?  We aren't.  We are doing what we can to celebrate with people who care about us.  Our friends keep telling us to spend our money on the honeymoon and not on feeding them.  YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEED EVERYONE A MEAL, it has become quite chic to do cocktails or cake and coffee, provided you don't schedule it over a meal hour. I can't help but say it. <strong>SHAME on you gals for trying to guilt someone into doing her wedding YOUR way</strong>.  I'm appauled. Lkinetz.  Only you know what is right for you and your husband to be.  The people who love you will understand and support your decision. 
Posted by lynnmfrank[/QUOTE]

It has nothing to do with "our way" to do a wedding. This is the etiquette board and the OP asked about a point of etiquette. People have answered with appropriate etiquette.

I would be seriously pissed if half of the guests at a friend's wedding were invited to the ceremony  but the other half weren't. That is beyond rude.

Lkientz

Thank you Lynn, I really appreciate your help. I don't consider mself a wedding expert and thought I could ask this question to a group of peers. I didn't realize that I would be accused of being rude and just wanting people to come for the gifts. The thing is I've already told my friends and co-workers about the small church and that they would likely only attend the reception following the wedding, which all are completely fine with. I'm just trying to figure out if I should get two invitations going or what, so I appreciate knowing how you did yours.  

Not that I need to justify myself, but I am going to invite all of our family members and those in our wedding party to the actual ceremony and then all friends and our co-workers to the reception. So, if anyone else is thinking of doing something similar, my friends are all thankful that they are getting out of our hour long Catholic ceremony since most are not Catholic...