How many guests didn't bring a gift?

[Deleted User]

Just curious about this one more than anything. Also as far as thank yous go should I still send them to guests that don't give a gift and what should I write? I say this because we do have some habitual no gifters on the grooms family side. They think because they are related they don't have to bring a gift. Crazy I know lol

myrinae

The reception is the 'thank you' to your guests for attending the wedding. Sending a thank-you note to people who did not bring gifts is unnecessary and serves only to point out that you were *expecting* something from them. Shouldn't them being there to share your day with you be enough? Isn't that the purpose of inviting them to your wedding?

Also, I believe guests have up to a year to send something if they would like. Though I personally wouldn't show up without a gift, if for some reason I had to wait to give one to the bride and groom and I received a thank-you note in the interim, I would take it as a snarky slap in the face. 

RebeccaB88

Nobody has to give you a gift. So, they aren't doing anything wrong. Don't keep score this way.

You don't have to send a thank you to anyone who doesn't give a gift.

DramaGeek

I can tell you who gave us some of our gifts, but I can't tell you who didn't bring a gift.  And honestly, I didn't care.

We wrote thank yous to everyone who gave us a card or gift.  I'd like to say we sent a thank you to everyone who attended but I can't remember for sure.  I realize the reception is the thank you, but I was genuinely touched that people attended and wanted to thank them again.

Peledreamsofrain

I never counted my gifts, or made a list of people who didn't give.  I'm too busy organizing my wedding pictures, scrap-booking the event, writing thank you cards, sending my dress off for preservation, getting the house back into order, getting insurance and finances with my new husband straightened out, getting back to work....

Life is too busy for gift-counting, get scootin and have fun!

[Deleted User]

See I thought you are suppose to send a thank you note to everyone, but I was alittle concerned about it looking like I was being rude if I sent one to someone who didn't bring a gift. If we are suppose to send one to everyone who attends should we write something like "thank you so much for joining us on our special day" or something else?

Avion22

I have no idea who didn't give gifts. We didn't keep track of that.  I only kept a list of who DID give us gifts, and they all received thank-you notes.

myrinae

"You CAN if you really want to but I think the general consensus on here is that it looks like you're fishing for a gift."
This. People don't need to bring gifts. Again I personally wouldn't show up without one, but I'm not expecting people to bring them, either. Just let it go and enjoy your new marriage together. 

loca4pook

You can always send them a thank you that says "thank you for sharing in our special day with us" if you really want to show them that you care, i suppose

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-many-guests-didnt-bring-a-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0e4d8103-55de-4ba8-83b9-a3b959bbb6f8Post:6368590f-9480-4e28-8370-e04e6f86701e">Re: How many guests didn't bring a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have no idea who didn't give gifts. We didn't keep track of that.  I only kept a list of who DID give us gifts, and they all received thank-you notes.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

I mean...technically if you kept track of who DID give you gifts, you also kept track of who didn't.

Of course I don't know off the top of my head who didn't give a gift (except one person who keeps saying one is on the way) but I do have a record of it because I put all the gift info (for TY purposes) into our RSVP list.  But I don't care. 

Nancy00714

While one doesn't expect gifts, I did find it odd to not receive them and even thought maybe a gift/card had been lost.  Out of 85 guests, I didn't recieve from 3 of them.  2 of them had traveled (from Mexico and Switzerland)  and one was local. I sent them all thank yous.  I understand that the reception is the thank you but if I'm sending thank yous to everyone else for their gift and for their presence I figured why not send them a thank you, too (particularly the ones that traveled from far away). 

AdeleDazeem

You're really hung up on the gift thing with the groom's family.  It's not a pretty look.

melb2013

We were invited to a wedding (to which we did not attend) and planned on sending a present... life got in the way, but we were just about to send a present a few weeks after the wedding when we received a thank you note that said that they thanked us for keeping them in our thoughts... it was so weird and so obviously looking for a gift that we didn't send a gift then.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-many-guests-didnt-bring-a-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0e4d8103-55de-4ba8-83b9-a3b959bbb6f8Post:e68e4361-e216-4817-bb24-959f19f259e9">Re: How many guests didn't bring a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]We were invited to a wedding (to which we did not attend) and planned on sending a present... life got in the way, but <strong>we were just about to send a present a few weeks after the wedding when we received a thank you note that said that they thanked us for keeping them in our thoughts</strong>... it was so weird and so obviously looking for a gift that we didn't send a gift then.
Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]
You didn't send the gift right? <div>I would have returned it and used the credit for something I wanted. </div><div>That's just gross.</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to Re:How many guests didn't bring a gift?:[QUOTE]You're really hung up on the gift thing with the groom's family.nbsp; It's not a pretty look. Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE] yeah a little bit I am... I have seen these folks in action, its not so much I am dying for a gift but its the fact that these folks are habitual nongifters. In my family we never go to a party let alone a wedding empty handed. These folks on the other hand show up with their empty stomachs, extra people and take to go plates for the folks that didn't care enough to show up. If that makes me sound mean for telling the truth then so be it. I am just being totally honest lol. As for the other guests I am not really focused on them because I don't feel like they are trying to take advantage of us, I just wanted to knoe the proper way to handle it if they don't

[Deleted User]

Another thing, I had no idea how touchy the subject of gift giving and thanking non gifters was! lol I am alittle shocked how offended some of you guys were about being thanked or the idea of being thanked when not giving a gift. I will say this though; Usually a person knows about 6 months in advance that a wedding is going to be taking place. No one says the gift has to be an arm and a leg but I think that is more then enough time to get a gift for the couple. I know you have up to  year but realistiically most folks are going to do it either before the wedding or shortly there after. I really think the whole "because they sent me a thank you card without me giving them a gift made me feel like they were fishing so we didn't get them anything" is an excuse not to, bascially you flipped it on them. I am not gift hungry but at the same time I am just honest. Being honest we have money, and plan to buy everything on our registry and then some that isn't givien to us a gift. I think that non gifters are the ones that should be looked at funny not the couple for sending a thank you note. #justsayin

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-many-guests-didnt-bring-a-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0e4d8103-55de-4ba8-83b9-a3b959bbb6f8Post:ec286894-164b-47c2-8248-9b77b2134e12">Re: How many guests didn't bring a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]Another thing, I had no idea how touchy the subject of gift giving and thanking non gifters was! lol I am alittle shocked how offended some of you guys were about being thanked or the idea of being thanked when not giving a gift. I will say this though; Usually a person knows about 6 months in advance that a wedding is going to be taking place. No one says the gift has to be an arm and a leg but I think that is more then enough time to get a gift for the couple. I know you have up to  year but realistiically most folks are going to do it either before the wedding or shortly there after. I really think the whole<strong> "because they sent me a thank you card without me giving them a gift made me feel like they were fishing so we didn't get them anything" is an excuse not to,</strong> bascially you flipped it on them. I am not gift hungry but at the same time I am just honest. Being honest we have money, and plan to buy everything on our registry and then some that isn't givien to us a gift. I think that non gifters are the ones that should be looked at funny not the couple for sending a thank you note. #justsayin
Posted by krystelgotti[/QUOTE]<div>Did someone say this? </div><div>A PP got a card for "keeping the B&G in their thoughts" but they didn't attend the wedding so there was nothing to thank them for. It was clearly a fishing expedition.

</div><div>
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lyndausvi

OP - Just from reading a few of your posts I think you are going to drive yourself crazy planning this wedding.

Do yourself a favor and just accept the fact that your FI's family is different than yours.  You can't control them nor are they going to change.   Lower your expectations and just go with the flow.  

To answer your question.  Yes a few people didn't give us a gift.  NBD.  I imagine most couples have a few guests who didn't give a gift.  

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-many-guests-didnt-bring-a-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0e4d8103-55de-4ba8-83b9-a3b959bbb6f8Post:984fc76e-bbd5-45cf-bd0e-e8c12e4aee6b">Re:How many guests didn't bring a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How many guests didn't bring a gift?: yeah a little bit I am... I have seen these folks in action, its not so much I am dying for a gift but its the fact that these folks are habitual nongifters. In my family we never go to a party let alone a wedding empty handed. These folks on the other hand show up with their empty stomachs, extra people and take to go plates for the folks that didn't care enough to show up. If that makes me sound mean for telling the truth then so be it. I am just being totally honest lol. As for the other guests I am not really focused on them because I don't feel like they are trying to take advantage of us, I just wanted to knoe the proper way to handle it if they don't
Posted by krystelgotti[/QUOTE]

Gifts are not a requirement.  They simply aren't.  Despite how you feel about these people, they've done nothing wrong by showing up at your wedding, witnessing your vows, and eating their meal.  All of that is part of the deal - they watch your ceremony, you thank them with food and drink.  A gift on top of that is up to them.  If you don't like that they "take advantage," then don't invite them to things.

I also find your whole "six months in advance" speech to be ridiculous.  People buy (or don't) what they can afford.  Sometimes just getting to the wedding is the gift.  Sometimes they simply don't have the money.  You don't know what's going on in their lives.  Or, maybe they just like to come to parties to eat and drink.  That's their deal and you know it - no use getting upset about it now when you know fully well how they are.  Your wedding won't change people.

[Deleted User]

I am just saying Joy that some people do take advantage, I didn't really want to go into detail about the individuals I am particularly taking issue with but before folks start thinking I am a bridezilla here is the back story: Ok so my fiance has an Uncle that always goes to everyone's parties and jokes about knowing he is not going to bring anything but his appetite, his family and takes a bunch of food to go before the party is even over! When we had made the announcement about the wedding and I personally had talked with him about the plans for the wedding this guys says to me "oh I don't like church, we probably will skip the ceremony but will see you at the reception. What are you guys going to have to eat?" and then the same guy gets mad about not receiving a thank you card from another relatives baby shower that he knows he didn't get her anything. So basically I am talking about him and his family in particular and a few others that are like him but not as blatantly bad. I can't not invite them because despite how they are they are my love's family I just wanted to know how to deal with it. I am not happy about it because I do feel like they are taking advantage of us they aren't really happy about us getting married they just want to free load.

hoffse

Yeah you need to let your expectations from the groom's family go.  My groom's family is generally very nice but completely noncommunicative.  We've been engaged for over a year and are just now getting partial guestlists from his parents.  They simply don't see the need to tell us more than 3 months out who they want to invite (or even how many they want to invite), even though we keep trying to explain to them that my mother is going to calligraphy the envelopes and she wants to get the ones done before the holidays that she can because they take her a really long time.  And we're apparently having a rehearsal dinner that they are planning... supposedly. I think the venue is reserved but nothing has been done past that, and I mean it's whatever.

It's frustrating, but I've learned that they are just last minute people.  Me and my family being planners is not going to change the fact that they are procrastinators, and that's just the way things are.  These people are not going to change their behavior and frankly they shouldn't have to for your wedding.

J&K10910

You deal with it by smiling, thanking them for coming, and telling them to enjoy themselves.  If you know he'll be a PITA about not getting a thank you, then go ahead and send one, but it's not necessary.

Look, some people are just inconsiderate and take advantage.  It's true.  But there's nothing you can do but be a gracious host. 

freebread03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-many-guests-didnt-bring-a-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0e4d8103-55de-4ba8-83b9-a3b959bbb6f8Post:567d9447-c5e8-4c66-bde6-12a8fb209646">Re: How many guests didn't bring a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]You deal with it by smiling, thanking them for coming, and telling them to enjoy themselves.  If you know he'll be a PITA about not getting a thank you, then go ahead and send one, but it's not necessary. <u>Look, some people are just inconsiderate and take advantage. </u> It's true.  But there's nothing you can do but be a gracious host. 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

<div>This.  Just because some people lack manners doesn't mean you should throw them out the window and give people a hard time for not buying you presents.  Reread what you've written, and then think about how your posts came off to all of us reading them.</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-many-guests-didnt-bring-a-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0e4d8103-55de-4ba8-83b9-a3b959bbb6f8Post:634e7d40-8e0d-4916-a4c1-713ec9356417">Re: How many guests didn't bring a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How many guests didn't bring a gift? : This.  Just because some people lack manners doesn't mean you should throw them out the window and give people a hard time for not buying you presents.  Reread what you've written, and then think about how your posts came off to all of us reading them.
Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]

 I can tell by the tone of some of the responses that I am perceived as being a jerk,<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" /> but at the same time I just am being honest. I felt like "hey we are all brides and that I could just say it like I felt it". I would never repeat it to his family or anything, just a safe place to be real and ask how to handle it, how it felt, and if anyone else had dealt with a similar situation and their way of dealing with it. I guess I am alone in my feelings of being alittle disappointed, lol that's ok though. Despite it I have gotten some good ways to deal with the inevitable and take the next months to work on having a genuine smile and thanking them for coming to the reception and let the rest go... It is what it is, I am not going to send him a thank you note though, if he says something oh well. Better not to send one then to have him think I am fishing for a gift.

hoffse

Here's the problem with expecting wedding gifts from anybody - it's exactly like people who expect inheritances and then are either cut out or get a lot less than they banked on.  I've seen this a bit in my legal practice, and inevitably it leads to bitter feelings and sometimes a feud or financial difficulty (particularly of the person was banking on getting that money).  I know it's hard not to expect gifts when they are so customary, but you need to try to refocus.  If you and your FI can afford everything on your registry, then look at any gift you get as a bonus and leave it at that.  The people who see inheritances as a windfall instead of an entitlement are nearly always much happier going forward.  You are going to be dealing with these people for many years down the road, and starting your marriage annoyed or angry at them because they didn't get you a gift but did eat your food is really just asking for difficulty down the way.  Focus on the fact that you and your FI will get those registry items regardless, and then any gift you do receive will be like getting a little windfall.

allychase

Um, this isn't twitter. Hash tags don't work here. Also, must be nice to polish off your registry whether people buy off it or not. What are you complaining about? Your FI uncle sounds annoying, yes, but you sound a little spoiled.

arco13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-many-guests-didnt-bring-a-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0e4d8103-55de-4ba8-83b9-a3b959bbb6f8Post:17eee0ce-e362-468f-a47b-6741a549bb39">Re:How many guests didn't bring a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]Um, this isn't twitter. Hash tags don't work here. <strong>Also, must be nice to polish off your registry whether people buy off it or not. What are you complaining about? Your FI uncle sounds annoying, yes, but you sound a little spoiled.</strong>
Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

<div>This. What is the point of complaining about not getting gifts if you can afford everything on your registry? </div><div>
</div><div>I do say that if this uncle shows up and takes a lot of extra food home, that does sound rude, but there's just nothing to do about anyone not bringing a gift.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

lauralaur

OP your caterer may not allow guests to take food to go anyway, plenty of caterers don't as they don't want to have to worry about proper storage, reheating and whatnot. And even if an uncle gave me a gift of $1,000, while it would pay to cover extra plates, it would not excuse the rudeness of bringing extra guests without clearing it with me first. He is rude with or without a gift in hand. It's like you and pp have said, the best you can do is smile and thank him for coming to the reception and let others look at him funny. It's really easy to ignore people at your wedding reception beyond saying hello and thanking them for coming if you want to.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-many-guests-didnt-bring-a-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0e4d8103-55de-4ba8-83b9-a3b959bbb6f8Post:79a5ffac-122b-4ccb-9fd8-fe262bb46db4">Re: How many guests didn't bring a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's the problem with expecting wedding gifts from anybody - it's exactly like people who expect inheritances and then are either cut out or get a lot less than they banked on.  I've seen this a bit in my legal practice, and inevitably it leads to bitter feelings and sometimes a feud or financial difficulty (particularly of the person was banking on getting that money).  I know it's hard not to expect gifts when they are so customary, but you need to try to refocus.  If you and your FI can afford everything on your registry, then look at any gift you get as a bonus and leave it at that.  The people who see inheritances as a windfall instead of an entitlement are nearly always much happier going forward.  You are going to be dealing with these people for many years down the road, and starting your marriage annoyed or angry at them because they didn't get you a gift but did eat your food is really just asking for difficulty down the way.  Focus on the fact that you and your FI will get those registry items regardless, and then any gift you do receive will be like getting a little windfall.
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]
Well said <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /> I am just going to focus on the blessing that we are getting married and by the grace of God we can afford to buy all the things that we need for our new home. Anything given is an extra verses an expectation. Its alittle difficult merging two very different families and values but it is going to happen so I am going to try my best to make it happen smoothly!

lauralaur

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-many-guests-didnt-bring-a-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0e4d8103-55de-4ba8-83b9-a3b959bbb6f8Post:c633ba84-abad-49d4-8d49-e4d027d96a05">Re: How many guests didn't bring a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How many guests didn't bring a gift? : Well said  I am just going to focus on the blessing that we are getting married and by the grace of God we can afford to buy all the things that we need for our new home. Anything given is an extra verses an expectation. Its alittle difficult merging two very different families and values but it is going to happen so I am going to try my best to make it happen smoothly!
Posted by krystelgotti[/QUOTE]

I agree it can be difficult when you are used to a set of traditions or values or whatnot and it can take time to get used to things. I'm coming up on three years of marriage and I still can't understand why we have to be at my MIL's for dinner at 2 when dinner won't actually be served until 5:30, and I love my in-laws! I know that's trivial, but it's an example, there are a lot of things that I've found I've just gotten used/accustomed to over time.

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-many-guests-didnt-bring-a-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0e4d8103-55de-4ba8-83b9-a3b959bbb6f8Post:a9d2d21b-61e1-414b-a0d0-d0c5c94b15b1">Re: How many guests didn't bring a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How many guests didn't bring a gift? : <strong>I mean...technically if you kept track of who DID give you gifts, you also kept track of who didn't.</strong> Of course I don't know off the top of my head who didn't give a gift (except one person who keeps saying one is on the way) but I do have a record of it because I put all the gift info (for TY purposes) into our RSVP list.  But I don't care. 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

I'm like Avion. I truly didn't. I handwrote an entirely separate list apart from the guest list (because I'm not good with Excel and my guest list was just typed up in two columns on MS Word) of who gave what as we opened the gifts, then checked their name off in a different color pen once the thank you note was sent.

Two different friends told my sister/MOH that they felt bad that they hadn't gotten their gifts to us yet, and I was actually surprised when she told me, because we hadn't noticed that they <em>hadn't</em> given us anything. I'm sure there are other people I can't pinpoint who didn't give us gifts either, while on the other hand there were also guests who got us gifts though they were unable to attend the wedding.

No one is saying it's wrong to keep track of gifts received, or to notice if someone doesn't give you a gift, however. It's just that you can't let that determine how you feel about that person or let it color your perception of whether or not they are "good" guests. We had a couple of guests that we <em>knew</em> are not gift-givers, but they were just as welcomed and graciously hosted as every other guest. Like hoffse said, gift giving is traditional, but just remember that "traditional" and "required" or "expected" are not the same thing. You know your FI's side of the family is most likely not going to give you a gift. Move on.