Asking parents to help pay for wedding

opalsky007

Oh, a loan is not a good idea. Plan what you can afford. Who knows, maybe your dad will surprise you later on with an offer if he wants things to be fancier. But in the meantime, just plan what you can manage, and use anything you're offered later to upgrade your plans.

aMrsin09

Yeah, he doesn't get to say "pay for it yourself" and then get pissy when it isn't to the standard that he expects/wants.

Beachy730

If they don't want to pay they get no say in the wedding or anything that you do for it.  If he says something else just say "well we are planning the wedding that we can afford."

garcias1

I agree with PP that you should definitely not depend on a loan.  Do the best you can with what you have.  Since you are already a mom, I bet you are super resourceful (I'm not a mom, but I feel like that is definitely in the job description).  Go to the Budget board and get great advice there.  If your dad sees you making sacrifices to stay within your budget, he might have a change of heart.  But just budget to have a wedding with the money that you have (not money you have to borrow!).

squirrly

Plan what you can afford.  If they're being difficult, I wouldn't discuss the plans with them. 

gailpete

I agree with PPs, if your Dad doesn't like what you can afford to pay for, he can fork over the difference.  Tell him that you don't think, that in the current economy, going into debt to pay for a wedding is a good idea, you will have the wedding you can afford.  He may decide that he is willing to contribute to the wedding when he realizes that you are being fiscally responsible.

aMrsin09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:282ef602-1d96-4a4a-a317-4ee65acc6a54">Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with PPs, if your Dad doesn't like what you can afford to pay for, he can fork over the difference.  Tell him that you don't think, that in the current economy, going into debt to pay for a wedding is a good idea, you will have the wedding you can afford.  <strong>He may decide that he is willing to contribute to the wedding when he realizes that you are being fiscally responsible.</strong>
Posted by gailpete[/QUOTE]

If he's already getting pissy about the "standard" of the wedding, what until he finds out her budget won't hold any of the parents friends and co-workers.  That's gonna be a fun convo.

SD3194

You could always have a long engagement to give yourself time to save up. We're not getting married until 2012 for this very reason. You don't want to take out a loan or kill yourself financially. That's the worst way to start your marriage.

leah2b

Have you asked your fiance's parents to pay? Do you plan on doing this?  i think it is a terribly antiquated idea that the bride's parents pay.  This used to be the case when the bride didn't work and the groom was assuming financial responsibility for the female.  As we all know, this is no longer the case for most people in modern society.

Summer2011Bride

I would pay for the wedding you can afford at the time you want to get married. You can always get married for very cheap at the courthouse and then when you can afford it, have a larger party to celebrate your marriage (NOT a reception but just a big gathering with friends and family after the fact). You an still be married then and hold off on planning a bigger party until your finances allow. Or just have a very small, intimate wedding and reception and only do the basics. I don't know your budget and it's none of my business, but many weddings can be had for little money.

A lot of times, parks or outdoor venues don't charge an arm and a leg for ceremonies like some do. Do you know anyone with a house or yard large enough to accomodate a reception who would be willing? Or sometimes community centers are reasonable, or church basements if you are getting married in a church. You could also have a daytime wedding with just heavy appetizers and drinks in lieu of a dinner. Check out the Budget and DIY boards here. Best of luck with planning!

golden1215

My H & I had a 2 1/2 yr old when we got married and we had a 30 person wedding.  We had it all planned to pay for ourselves and his parents stepped in late in the game and paid for some stuff, which was great.  But point being, have a small wedding or even do VEGAS!  Do not, I repeat, do NOT go into debt for a wedding.  It's one day and I personally cant stand people who forgo their childrens welfare for frivoulous things.  Not saying your kid is suffering, but if youre having money issues already, having a huge wedding is only going to make them worse.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:80a24bcc-5345-49da-8173-498134f4a447">Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Have you asked your fiance's parents to pay? Do you plan on doing this?</strong>  i think it is a terribly antiquated idea that the bride's parents pay.  This used to be the case when the bride didn't work and the groom was assuming financial responsibility for the female.  As we all know, this is no longer the case for most people in modern society.
Posted by leah2b[/QUOTE]

God I hope not. You should never ask other people to pay for your things - just because it's a wedding doesn't change that. If parents want to help, they'll offer. If they haven't offered, it's probably because they don't want to help.

ECI1151

Does anyone else find it ridiculous that a parent would advise there child to take out a loan for a wedding? I would never advise my child to start off their married life worrying about paying off loans because of their wedding. School loans are one thing but I feel that a wedding loan is totally unnecessary. Especially when OP has the expense of raising a child.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f63f2dc-577a-40d0-a7a6-1e78aac70e01Post:43942274-e5a9-49df-a061-60922499e074">Re: Asking parents to help pay for wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I also think people these days assume that their parents are going to fork over $10-$20k for a wedding. There's no reason they should, PPs are right, whether they are well off or not...it's still their money. My FI and his his mom were pissed that my parents can't afford to pay for ours, but why should they?
Posted by SD3194[/QUOTE]

I'd be a little concerned if my FI proposed with no financial plan for a wedding. Like, "here's a ring! What we do now? Ask your parents for money?"

PolkaDot24

I understand that financial stress can make such a situation seem frustrating, especially if your parents are pushing for a nicer wedding. But you really shouldn't ask them for money, since they said they don't want to pay.

However, you can plan the wedding you can afford. If they ask you about it, you can tell them that you are doing what you can afford. If they want more to it, they can contribute to it. That let's you comfortably do what you can/want and the ball is in their court for whatever they want.

We began planning our wedding on what we could afford. When my parents asked about our plans, I told them and they weren't thrilled. They asked how much it would cost to add X number of guests and more food, and then offered to contribute that amount. I realize I am fortunate that they offered to help and I greatly appreciate it, but if they hadn't I would have just had a smaller wedding.

My mother later slipped that my father originally planned for us to pay for it ourselves and give us basically what they're now contributing but after the wedding as a gift. He wanted us to start off ahead. This is what his parents did for them. I think it was an incredibly thoughtful idea.

You never know what your parents have planned. Just don't expect anything and be respectful, so either way you know you did the right thing.

hollioso

I cant believe how many people think that your question was rude on here. There are a lot of harsh/brash responses to your initial question.I really feel that each family should help and that if they can't each party should say something in passing like, "we'd really love to help but right now we just can't." Just to keep from everyone wondering and guessing. IMO, in some cases, hold your folks accountable. There are lots of selfless, giving people who have nothing that give for their child's wedding or will pick up extra hours to help. I know that I will do that for my kids or grandkids...

AddieCake

@hollioso

Is there a reason your resurrected a 3-year old thread to say this?

RebeccaB88

@KnotPorscha, can we PLEASE do something to prevent these zombie threads?  Like, automatically set all posts to read-only status after, say, 90 days or something?  Other boards can do that.

Seriously, the wedding is probably over by now.

zitiqueen

hollioso said:

I cant believe how many people think that your question was rude on here. There are a lot of harsh/brash responses to your initial question.I really feel that each family should help and that if they can't each party should say something in passing like, "we'd really love to help but right now we just can't." Just to keep from everyone wondering and guessing. IMO, in some cases, hold your folks accountable. There are lots of selfless, giving people who have nothing that give for their child's wedding or will pick up extra hours to help. I know that I will do that for my kids or grandkids...

How many pages back did you have to go to dig this corpse up?

Viczaesar

hollioso said:

I cant believe how many people think that your question was rude on here. There are a lot of harsh/brash responses to your initial question.I really feel that each family should help and that if they can't each party should say something in passing like, "we'd really love to help but right now we just can't." Just to keep from everyone wondering and guessing. IMO, in some cases, hold your folks accountable. There are lots of selfless, giving people who have nothing that give for their child's wedding or will pick up extra hours to help. I know that I will do that for my kids or grandkids...

WTF?  Nobody is accountable for paying for a wedding but the two people getting married.

Dreamergirl8812

hollioso said:

I cant believe how many people think that your question was rude on here. There are a lot of harsh/brash responses to your initial question.I really feel that each family should help and that if they can't each party should say something in passing like, "we'd really love to help but right now we just can't." Just to keep from everyone wondering and guessing. IMO, in some cases, hold your folks accountable. There are lots of selfless, giving people who have nothing that give for their child's wedding or will pick up extra hours to help. I know that I will do that for my kids or grandkids...

OP's parents, years ago, told her they won't pay for her wedding, but you think it would have been more effective if it had been mentioned "in passing?"

thejucheidea

Good job, necromancer. You're really good at Internetting.

kmmssg

hollioso said:

I cant believe how many people think that your question was rude on here. There are a lot of harsh/brash responses to your initial question.I really feel that each family should help and that if they can't each party should say something in passing like, "we'd really love to help but right now we just can't." Just to keep from everyone wondering and guessing. IMO, in some cases, hold your folks accountable. There are lots of selfless, giving people who have nothing that give for their child's wedding or will pick up extra hours to help. I know that I will do that for my kids or grandkids...

What the Hell to the bold?

I'm a 3 time MOB with my 4th daughter getting married next Summer.  We CHOOSE to help with wedding expenses and host their weddings but we are not obligated and I'll be damned if ANY of my kids will hold me accountable with helping to pay for a party!  You are out of your mind.

FTR - I come from a family where EVERYONE but me went to the JOP because they all thought weddings were a waste of money and that you are just as married by going to the JOP.  They are right about that - you are just as married (and marrying your spouse is what is important, not a party you can't afford).  I wanted a church wedding and reception with a meal so I paid for it myself.

You are ESPECIALLY out of your mind if you think parents and grandparents should pick up extra hours of work to pay for a wedding.  Um, NO - the bride and groom should pick up extra hours!

For those selfless people who have very little or nothing - let me ask you this:  what kind of son  or daughter would accept money from parents who have so little?  An entitled brat is the answer.

Catwoman708

Yes, it would be rude to ask them to help pay, and unrealistic considering their feelings that you should pay for your own college and wedding. 

So have the wedding you can afford, within your means.  Weddings do not have to be big, expensive events. 

pearlaqua

Honest question for people who are planning a wedding with their co-parent. 
This isn't the first time a brides has said that their parents aren't helping pay for the wedding.
Yet, I wonder if people who are parents and paying for a wedding don't see their parents' existing support (if any) of their children (gifts, time, childcare, etc.) as a form of contribution to the couple.

So, whereas some parents might have helped paid for a wedding, because they see themselves as helping out the couple with their grandchildren, they don't think of helping to pay for the wedding.

It's sort of how parents might help pay for one thing (like, college) but not all things (they won't pay for college + car).  Any thoughts?

[Deleted User]

@RebeccaB88 I just put in a request with tech for this. Thanks so much for the suggestion!