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Etiquette

bachelorette party etiquette

I'm in a bridal party and the bachelorette party is planned for one night in Atlantic City which is going to cost, for me, a significant amount of money. I kept asking to keep the cost down, as I am low on cash because I am only working part time and going to school. Besides the cost of everything needed for the wedding, dress, hair/makeup, shoes,etc, the bachelorette party is putting the cost over the top for me. I am considering backing out of the bachelorette party because of the cost. Is that wrong? I would love to go and if I have the money I would be more than gracious to share in this party but unfortunately I don't. How do I break it to the bride and the rest of the bachelorette party that the cost is too much for me to afford and I will have to back out? I am also afraid that some other girls who are invited to the bachelorette party may not be able to afford to go and back out if they need to put up the cost of my share. I would be wiling to donate some money towards the room and dinner to help ease the cost for the other if I back out but I just cannot put myself into debt over this bachelorette party.

Re: bachelorette party etiquette

  • Just be honest with them. If you can't afford it, there is no reason to stress out over it.
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  • Tell whoever is hosting or planning it that you can't afford it.  If others can't afford it either, then something else needs to be planned.  
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  • I would be honest as the PP's said.
  • I've tried talking to the MOH, who is planning it, and basically I am being told that its not about me it's about the bride and their are others who are struggling with money and still going, so I have to figure it out. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f890a5d-c9ec-4096-8723-db761e631707Post:b6722e37-65bf-45bf-8db5-db3b558efa0f">Re: bachelorette party etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've tried talking to the MOH, who is planning it, and basically I am being told that its not about me it's about the bride and their are others who are struggling with money and still going, so I have to figure it out. 
    Posted by kmaiorano[/QUOTE]

    <div>She can't force you to spend money that you don't have.   And I find it disturbing that she KNOWS the others are struggling with money and is still going ahead with the plans.</div>
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  • She told you that you need to figure it out? Seriously? I would just flat out tel her you can't afford it. I'm sorry but when someone starts telling me what I need to do with my money, it doesn't sit well with me.
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  • I had even informed the MOH that 4 days/3 nights to Cancun all inclusive with flight and splitting the brides cost is actually cheaper than this one night she has planned. Not that that would even be possible bc the MOH is pregnant and wouldn't be able to go but it was my point that this one single night at is becoming over the top. With bottle service in the club and a suit room and taking the bride to the spa (which I can't even get myself anything because I can't afford it) is very expensive and AC is in general an overly expensive place. I just feel terrible because I know that if i back out, others will follow and plans will be ruined. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f890a5d-c9ec-4096-8723-db761e631707Post:5a066781-e20b-4462-9c26-d594b2ef22b0">Re: bachelorette party etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]I had even informed the MOH that 4 days/3 nights to Cancun all inclusive with flight and splitting the brides cost is actually cheaper than this one night she has planned. Not that that would even be possible bc the MOH is pregnant and wouldn't be able to go but it was my point that this one single night at is becoming over the top. With bottle service in the club and a suit room and taking the bride to the spa (which I can't even get myself anything because I can't afford it) is very expensive and AC is in general an overly expensive place. I just feel terrible because I know that if i back out, others will follow and plans will be ruined. 
    Posted by kmaiorano[/QUOTE]



    Well, first of all, it's not your fault that others are having trouble affording it also. If you start the backing out trend, maybe she will understand just how expensive it is and that some aren't able to afford it. I understand how you're feeling because I'm kinda in the same boat but when it comes down to it, I know where my money has to go and I won't feel bad being a responsible adult with my money.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f890a5d-c9ec-4096-8723-db761e631707Post:5a066781-e20b-4462-9c26-d594b2ef22b0">Re: bachelorette party etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]I had even informed the MOH that 4 days/3 nights to Cancun all inclusive with flight and splitting the brides cost is actually cheaper than this one night she has planned. Not that that would even be possible bc the MOH is pregnant and wouldn't be able to go but it was my point that this one single night at is becoming over the top. With bottle service in the club and a suit room and taking the bride to the spa (which I can't even get myself anything because I can't afford it) is very expensive and AC is in general an overly expensive place. I just feel terrible because I know that if i back out, others will follow and plans will be ruined. 
    Posted by kmaiorano[/QUOTE]

    <div>I would feel bad, too, but that wouldn't stop me from putting my foot down.  You don't need to show your love for your friend by shelling out lots of money, especially when it's money you don't have.  It sounds like the MOH should plan something less expensive if multiple attendees cannot spend the money for what she has planned.  If you have the time and inclination, can you offer to help plan the party if she is willing to scrap these expensive plans?  </div>

  • This MOH sounds really unreasonable.  I'd back out telling her "Sorry, I just don't have the money.  You should really take into account people's budgets before planning something so expensive."

    My only concern would be the bride not understanding why you are backing out.  But, she's your friend, you can deal with her directly.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f890a5d-c9ec-4096-8723-db761e631707Post:0de639c6-3bba-4133-9343-be859228ccda">Re: bachelorette party etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: bachelorette party etiquette : I would feel bad, too, but that wouldn't stop me from putting my foot down.  You don't need to show your love for your friend by shelling out lots of money, especially when it's money you don't have.  It sounds like the MOH should plan something less expensive if multiple attendees cannot spend the money for what she has planned.  If you have the time and inclination, can you offer to help plan the party if she is willing to scrap these expensive plans?  
    Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]
     <div>
    </div><div>I keep telling her I am more than willing to help in planning of everything especially because she is actually my BFF and pregnant I know she is having a stressful time with everything. But she always tells me no, probably because she know I would have never gone for something like bottle service in the club which is a $600 minimum. And she keeps reminding me that shes paying for part of that as well and she can't even partake because she is pregnant which makes me feel worse for complaining about cost. I have tried to suggest other ideas such as a winery idea we had originally had but she and another bridesmaid already booked 2 suites for the night. I am sure they can get all or most of their money back but she doesn't seem to want to budge. </div>
  •  I can't imagine why you would go to seedy Atlantic city from Georgia when you probably have much nicer things near you.  I understand going to Atlantic city if you live in New York, new jersey or around there but to go there from georgia for one night seems ridiculous. 

    I'm sure like you say there are much more reasonably priced things (maybe even in your area).  Do you guys know that the Bride has her heart set on AC?  Have things been reserved already and MOH's mind made up?  Did she give you guys options? 

    There is definitely nothing wrong with you backing out if you can't afford it and if others do follow your lead, so be it. 
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  • She's your best friend and not more understanding?? I really don't think being pregnant and stressed out is an excuse to not listen to people's budgets. I guess I don't know what other advice to tell you. If you feel uncomfortable paying all of that money or you just can't afford it, then you need to put your foot down.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f890a5d-c9ec-4096-8723-db761e631707Post:b568a9d6-26df-474d-84de-25d981c8e151">Re: bachelorette party etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE] I can't imagine why you would go to seedy Atlantic city from Georgia when you probably have much nicer things near you.  I understand going to Atlantic city if you live in New York, new jersey or around there but to go there from georgia for one night seems ridiculous.  I'm sure like you say there are much more reasonably priced things (maybe even in your area).  Do you guys know that the Bride has her heart set on AC?  Have things been reserved already and MOH's mind made up?  Did she give you guys options?  There is definitely nothing wrong with you backing out if you can't afford it and if others do follow your lead, so be it. 
    Posted by Nancy00714[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I actually do live in NY lol i don't know why it says I love in GA. But even so AC is not a fantasic place. And there are so many other nicer places in Manhattan. </div><div>The bride and another bridesmaid actually kind of had their hearts set on Disney for a long weekend which I shot down right away because thats just wayyy too much money. The bride isn't really saying exactly what she wants but the MOH also wants a bit of a suprise element to it, which I understand I guess, so I really don't know exactly what the bride wants out of this bachelorette party.</div><div>I guess I need to just "man-up" and tell her again firmly that this is just out of my budget and hope that maybe we can reaggrange a few things or start from scratch.</div><div>Thank you all for your help!! It is greatly appreciated!! I have been stressing for weeks over this!</div><div>
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  • Actually, you're not the one ruining things, the MOH is by stressing everyone out and insisting they stretch themselves way out over their heads for one night!  Go on and back out and when the plans fall through, you and some of the others can go on and plan something much more resonable and probably nicer.  The MOH doesn't HAVE to be in charge of the BP, there aren't really any rules for that part.
  • "MOH - my budget for this b-party is $X.  That figure is not negotiable.  At all.  If that doesn't fit your vision of what this needs to be then I regret to say I can't attend.  If you want us to work together to do something that does fit my budget then I"m thrilled."

    She's being completely unreasonable and needs a wake up call.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f890a5d-c9ec-4096-8723-db761e631707Post:67698702-2553-456f-9293-d472277ae41c">Re: bachelorette party etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]"MOH - my budget for this b-party is $X.  That figure is not negotiable.  At all.  If that doesn't fit your vision of what this needs to be then I regret to say I can't attend.  If you want us to work together to do something that does fit my budget then I"m thrilled." She's being completely unreasonable and needs a wake up call.
    Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yup. I agree with all of this. And also, I want to add that it's not at all your responsibility to worry about the other BMs' money concerns with the BP as well- they're adults who can make the best decision for themselves, just like you can only make the best decision for yourself. I agree with PPs that if you do start a trend of backing out, the MOH will be the one who looks bad, not you, and you all can work out something else that is within everybody's budges. Best of luck!</div>
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  • kmaioranokmaiorano member
    Third Anniversary First Comment
    edited April 2012
    I mean I spoke to the MOH regarding the cost the other day and she is just really low balling the cost. She is figuring $100/person for dinner. After looking at the menu and figuring in drinks during dinner, I say $200-250/person for dinner. And she didn't consider the extreme cost of gas and tolls to drive down there, as well as food and drinks for the room, and all the small extras that will really start adding up.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f890a5d-c9ec-4096-8723-db761e631707Post:455e1700-6fa5-4690-83b7-d96d3674649f">Re: bachelorette party etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]I mean I spoke to the MOH regarding the cost the other day and she is just really low balling the cost. She is figuring $100/person for dinner. After looking at the menu and figuring in drinks during dinner, I say $200-250/person for dinner. And she didn't consider the extreme cost of gas and tolls to drive down there, as well as food and drinks for the room, and all the small extras that will really start adding up.
    Posted by kmaiorano[/QUOTE]


    plus the fact that shes insisting on bottle service in the club!!! whish is extremely costly
  • This MOH is out of control.  Sounds like you'd be doing everyone else a favor by starting the backing out trend.

    And I would NOT offer to contribute money if you aren't attending.  MOH needs to plan a party that everyone can afford, even if that means hanging out at someones apartment with some bottles of two buck chuck.

  • Um... Bottle service? She's preggers. That doesn't sound like a good plan. It sounds like the MOH wants it!
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  • i think its the bottle service that is upsetting me the most and causing such a high cost. im fine with bringing bottles and drinking in the room before we go to club but MOH is insisting on getting this stupid bottle service, and making a point of continuously reminding me about how she is chipping in for it and can't even drink. Which i think is even crazier but i guess she feels like she has to.
    Its really so hard bc all the bridesmaids have such different budgets. One who makes really good money is upset that we arent taking a limo there and back, some are in the middle and then theres me lol I dont want to cause an issue or make anyone not have a good time. But i dont feel like we have to spend my savings to in order to have a good time.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f890a5d-c9ec-4096-8723-db761e631707Post:0ddb7b94-c150-4b91-ba26-e209efa03d26">Re:bachelorette party etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]This reminds me of the "Bridesmaids" movie...I'm definitely picturing the MOH as the pushy bridesmaid. Anyway, I agree that you shouldn't spend your savings to go to the bachelorette party. If you are close enough with the bride to be in her wedding party I think you should apologize to her directly and say you wish you could come but it is out of your budget... she'll understand, and possibly tell the MoH that she doesn't need anything extravagant. Then the moh can stop stressing. That's what I'd do if one of my best friends couldn't come...[b]they are way too important to me then having bottle service...[/b]
    Posted by FutureMrsMDJahnke[/QUOTE]

    THIS.

    Just be honest with the bride. You can talk to her about it without spoiling any surprises the MOH has planned. Just let her know that what the MOH has planned is just out of your budget. Maybe suggest having a nice lunch or dinner for the just the two of you before she goes, or after she gets back if that helps. But chances are, she may try to talk to the MOH and see if they can come up with something less expensive to be easier on EVERYONE.

    Good luck!
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