Really weird question, but need input

JGnSV

A friend of mine refuses to be friends with anyone who is married. She claims guys are worthless (which we know is totally wrong!), married friends never make time for her anymore, etc etc. She knows I've been dating, but I haven't told her about the engagement or any wedding plans.

Disclaimer: I have no intention of slamming males. Just recounting some important bits.

[Deleted User]

Sounds like she has some insecurity and attachement issues to me.

opalsky007

Uhh, maybe the problem is she's not making time for her married friends?

Tell her.

JGnSV

If you put "Other," please leave your answer as a reply. Thanks.

Loopyseven

I'd tell her.  If lying to her is a requirement of remaining friends, she's not truly a friend.

ootmother2

weirdest question ever

Do you mind if I ask how old you both are?

JGnSV

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-weird-question-but-need-input-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f8aa616-7208-4c98-8ae1-c99f4d5061acPost:bca32925-89b7-4ac3-821a-d5cd14e9addc">Re: Really weird question, but need input</a>:
[QUOTE]Uhh, maybe the problem is she's not making time for her married friends? Tell her.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]
I wish it was that easy. She's been fighting for unemployment pay for awhile now due to medical issues, so she has plenty of time for friends.

She lives four states away and isn't on Facebook or anything, so I know she won't find out via the Internet.

mica178

I'm confused.  If she's your friend, why would you hide your wedding from her?  What kind of friend ends a friendship over the marriage status of the other person?  That's all just weird.  Tell her the truth.  If she doesn't like you enough to try to be friends with you afterwards, that's her loss.

JGnSV

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-weird-question-but-need-input-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f8aa616-7208-4c98-8ae1-c99f4d5061acPost:8642a809-2da9-449d-ad93-73892706bd22">Re: Really weird question, but need input</a>:
[QUOTE]weirdest question ever Do you mind if I ask how old you both are?
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

LOL!

I'm almost 34, she's going on 38 I think.

McKenna2012

Just tell her. You can't keep it a secret forever unless you plan to just disappear from her life over it.

teachermegs

I would tell her if you talk to her. It doesn't matter if she has FB or not. If you are friends and hiding information, then you arent' being a good friend. She might surprise you with her reaction.

JGnSV

You're right, I know.

Nothing I say or do will convince her that it's possible to stay friends and all that....just like I can never change her mind about guys. So I might as well leave it up to her whether it's worth losing the friendship over, because I've texted her tons of times that I won't let her force me into choosing her over FI. Not gonna happen.

Guess I just needed to get this out of my system. Thank you.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-weird-question-but-need-input-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0f8aa616-7208-4c98-8ae1-c99f4d5061acPost:a9e0ebaa-6308-4f93-bfc6-74a420d13b66">Re: Really weird question, but need input</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Really weird question, but need input : LOL! I'm almost 34, she's going on 38 I think.
Posted by JGnSV[/QUOTE]

YIKES

i voted to tell her

PsyDet 2155

I would tell her.  She seems pretty immature.

ECI1151

That is just really weird to me. Does she seriously intend on loosing every single one of her friends if they all get married? I would think not.

Has something happened in her past that has made her hate the idea of men and marriage so much?

LDYGTR13

Seriously???? Tell her...

Kreskin79

She seems to be immature, and perhaps in need of therapy.  If you fear being honest with her regarding what most would consider happy news (or, at least, news that's a non-issue), then you may not have a genuine friendship.

GeauxTigers17

You're right, this is a weird question. I'd just tell her now. Her attitude about this is really crazy - does she expect all her friends to stay single so they can stay friends with her?!?

GoodLuckBear14

Tell her.  It's her loss.  I lost a friend for pretty much the same reasons when I got engaged.  I really didn't care when I looked at what I was getting - a wonderful FI.

ariver2011

I think we have the same friend. Mine to doesn't seem to care for any of her friends husbands, and refused to be my MOH because she doesn't like my Fh. She has also never dated or had a boyfriend. I voted that you tell your friend now.

jcamm11

Tell her.  I agree, sometimes people stop spending as much time with their friends when they're in a relationship, but since I'm guessing you've been in a serious relationship with your FI for some time, it's not like everything is going to change once it's official.

blahblah85

She honestly sounds like a huge b*tch.  Do you really want that sort of friend anyways?

marinabreeze

I can see in a way why she doesn't like the idea of married friends.  At least two of my friends don't particularly like married/taken people because so many of them cut out time with their friends and become enmeshed in the lives of their SOs/Hs.  I can understand this because I have seen this with some of my formerly single friends who don't answer calls and don't want to hang out anymore (or have "girl" time) because they're married.  And considering this, it's important to myself and my FI that we don't become that and we are still individuals.  So I think at least that part of it is a legitimate issue. 

However, the idea that guys are "worthless" makes me wonder if she has unresolved relationship issues and resulting bitterness that she has yet to deal with in a proper way.  I agree with PPs, she needs therapy.

The armchair psychologist in me thinks that cutting off her married friends serves two purposes.  First, it enables her to cut off her friends before they hurt her through not making time for her anymore (which she may feel that by getting married that's what happens).  Second, being with married people might remind her of the kind of relationship she wants but feels unattainable to her for whatever reason.

I would suggest you tell her the truth.  Make it clear that you're not going to choose her over FI, because it's a false choice and that you can maintain a friendship with her while being married.   If she doesn't allow you to do that and cuts you off, that's a choice she made, and that would not be your fault.

jerseydevil

Tell her and let her decide what the friendship means to her.

Sounds like she has some issues.

Bkseller13

Cut your losses and end the friendship now.  Anyone who is that shallow is probably not that good of a friend anyway.

niquemel

talk about an excuse to reject-others-before-they-can-reject-me.... except she's 25 years older than most people who use this method, and assumes that married people will always reject her (with that attitude, who can blame them?)

Interesting stuff! I bet there are plenty of psychologists that would love to take her on as a client. 

psuxdoll

Tell her!  This is a time for celebration, not for you to hide something so important to you!

If she doesn't want to be your friend because you're happily marrying the man of your dreams, she's not a true friend!

LoveMuffins

although i kind of like the idea of telling her on the anniversary to prove that you can still be friends, i voted for honesty being the best policy... because seriously, any friend who needs proof of your friendship isn't a real friend at all.

jsleik

Geez!  You have to tell her because that is what friends do.  But, WOW.  At this rate, she'll have no friends left. Maybe that is part of the plan.  I can understand not liking everyone of your friends' choices in spouses, but to catagorically say you can't be friends with them is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I'd tell her about your wedding and then go out of your way to make sure you keep up your side of the friendship.  If she can't deal, it is her issue(s).  If she out of hand says your not friends, you may want to ask how it is that her "rule" really wins out over the actual friends she has.  Odd!!