When the Wife is the Doctor...

laurenandnathan

How do you address that invitation?  Dr. and Mr. Jane Doe?I have at least two of these invitations!Thanks!

danieliza1127

Mr. and Dr. Joseph Smith, I think.

CubsGirl05

What Dani said. Or, could you list them seperatley? Mr. John Doe and Dr. Jane Doe

tenofcups4me

Dr. trumps Mr. and comes first. If they have the same last name: Doctor Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith (And FWIW, even many women who aren't doctors have first names that they like to be used)

danieliza1127

I bet if you consult Google or an actual invitations website, like Crane's or something, you will find the "correct" answer.

tenofcups4me

Dani, the answer I gave is the "correct" answer per Cranes. Their other option is plain old Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Smith, but that's so incredibly insulting to the doctor wife that I didn't even think it was worth posting.

danieliza1127

Okay tenofcups, didn't realize that. 

banana468

Ditto ten. That's the correct writing per Crane's. Lauren, make sure you write out 'Doctor' on the outer envelope and inner envelope if you have one. Doctor should not be abbreviated as Mr. is.

crazycatladyk

Even if the wife is not a doctor, "Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Smith" is still insulting to the wife, unless the wife is an older woman with a traditional mindset who prefers it that way. I don't care if it's 'proper etiquette'. It's insulting and sexist. Not OK.

SwedishChick2011

I agree with crazycatlady.  Also, both my parents are doctors (M.D.'s), and it pisses me off when people who know my mom is a doctor still write Dr. & Mrs. John Doe.  I think it upsets me more than my mom. 

banana468

That would irritate me too if I had an MD and only my husband was recognized for his.

crazycatladyk

Gonna continue the rant a bit. If I ever, *ever*, EVER get a letter/invitation after I'm married addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Boggled Coriander*, not only will we not attend (FI supports me in this), but the person who sent us such a letter will find out why. I might try to be nice though. Maybe. Or maybe I'll just tear 'em a new one. Some etiquette rules are great, and really serve to smooth over the rough patches in social interaction. Those rules should be preserved and utilized. Others are just ancient vestiges of a sexist culture that need to be banished in favor of something more appropriate, egalitarian and progressive. *not FI's real name, obviously

banana468

You'll seriously not attend something based on how your name is on the invitation? My life is too short to go on tirades like that.

Calypso1977

crazy, if they arent aware that you are offended by being called Mrs. Boggled Coriander, then i think refusing to attend an event and/or sending a nasty gram is a bit extreme. i kept my name, and if i get things addressed to mrs. john hisname, i dont get offended UNLESS the person knows damn well i didnt take his name.  IMO (and reasonable people can disagree on this point) if you take your husbands name then you are agreeing, albeit indirectly, to be called Mrs. John Smith.  had i taken my husband's name i would have preferred to be addressed as Mrs. Jane Smith, versus Mrs. John Smith, when receiving items addressed only to me, but i really see no issue with Mr. and Mrs. John Smith when things are sent to the couple.  but, everyone is different.  i guess my point is if you feel strongly about maintaining your name/identity, then why change your name to begin with?

crazycatladyk

If I am agreeing to be Mrs. John Smith, then he's equally agreeing to be Mrs. Jane Smith, no? So why is it OK to address things as "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" but not "Mrs. and Mr. Jane Smith"? And no, I would not attend something to which I was invited as "Mrs. John Smith". My family knows me well enough to know it'd never go down, we live and work in Asia where last names are not 'taken' so nobody here will send me that kind of invitation, and none of my friends are so old fashioned as to think "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" is appropriate. So the only invitations we could receive that are left are ones from people who don't really know us, so are almost certain to be courtesy invitations. But even if they weren't - if they can't invite us by our real names, we aren't going (FI would be free to go, I'm not going to tell him he can't. But I doubt he would.)

banana468

LOL. Stepford is based on DH's hometown. I never said * what* I preferred to be called. I'm just not basing my attendance at an event based on how the envelope is addressed. I'm basing it on whether or not I want to and am able to attend the event. I may cringe a bit if people don't address the invitation to my liking but I'm not going to make a stink about it. Like I said - my life is too short to refuse attending a party with people I love if one of them makes a mistake about my name. I believe most humans don't aim to piss me off and do my best to respond in a friendly way.

Calypso1977

so, yeah, if you arent taking his name, then you shouldnt be called Mrs. John Smith.  but again, my BIL refuses to acknowledge that i kept my name, but if he sent us a wedding invite to mr. and mrs. john smith, id be pisssed, i'd send the reply card back with Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Doe, and we'd still go.  i couldnt imagine skipping his wedding over his stupidity and rudeness.  i mean, its H's brother.

crazycatladyk

You make a good point but the Stepford comment wasn't aimed at you, it was aimed at "it must be lonely on your soapbox". I like my soapbox. It's very sturdy and smells nice! Also, it makes me taller. Thing is, I very much doubt any of my loved ones would send me an invite addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, because they know us better than that. (If they sent that sort of invite to a couple who prefers the traditional wording, that's fine). If they really were a loved one, I'd say it nicely but I'd still stay it - totally not cool to address things to people in such a way as to subconsciously assume that a woman's identity is subsumed by a man's after marriage, or that a "Mr." trumps a "Mrs." or even a "Ms.". I'd then ask them kindly to please forward any future correspondence to us as Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Doe, or even Ms. Jane Doe and Mr. John Smith if they'd like. I take back what I said about 'not attending' - if it were really a loved one, I'd attend but I *would* say something. Outmoded notions of what is OK get passed on because people don't say anything - the only way to begin even the inkling of a change is to act. But chances are overwhelming that such an invitation would be from someone who doesn't really know us, or can't be bothered to get to know us, so no, in that case I would not attend.

crazycatladyk

Oh wait, the soapbox comment did come from you. Heh. It's late over here on the dark side of the globe. Anyway, my soapbox is also portable, and holds very high-quality soap. It's a nice box and I intend to keep it.

banana468

Hey, I'm glad that you at least would consider going to a loved one's event even if the name was wrong. That's my point. I'm not thrilled with getting stuff as Mr. and Mrs. John Doe but I deal with it. When DH's 85 year old grandmother sends me birthday cards as Mrs. John Doe, I don't correct her. I'm just thrilled that she's welcomed me to the family and sends me a card on my birthday. That's just my point. It's one thing if someone's using the way to address you as a passive-aggressive way of saying that s/he doesnt' approve. It's another if the person is just doing something because s/he's following a tradition and it just slipped the mind to ask if anything was different. I just can't imagine not going somewhere because the cutest old lady in the world didn't put my first name on the envelope.

laurenandnathan

Wow, I didn't mean to stir a pot.  I think my mom is going to ask the mom of both the female doctors how they prefer things done.  It seems very odd to see more and more women not taking their husbands name.  But then I'm from a very traditional southern family and I guess the thought of changing one's last name comes from the Bible where woman will leave her family and join her husbands.  But then again like I said I come form a VERY traditional background. 

tenofcups4me

 But then I'm from a very traditional southern family and I guess the thought of changing one's last name comes from the Bible where woman will leave her family and join her husbands. But then again like I said I come form a VERY traditional background. LOL. There were no last names in biblical times. The "ancient" tradition is far newer than that.