STDs - the real ones; WWYD?

tidetravel

DH's best friend's GF was hospitalized w/ what they thought was a severe staph infection.  Turns out, it's herpes.  They've been together 4/5 years and just bought a house together.  He's being tested for it now.  Both of them SWEAR they didn't cheat - DH believes that if friend did cheat, he would admit it at least to him.  The GF is someone that none of us could ever imagine cheating.  Her ex husband cheated on her at least a couple times before she found out and left him, especially towards the end of the relationship.  I suggested, from what I read,  that it *may* have been possible that she got it while she was with him - showed minor symptoms at first contact didn't think anything of it, and then the disease has been dormant since.So friend decided that if he does have the STD, that they will stay together and work it out; if not, then they are going to break up (the medicines that he is on supress his immune system so the risk for getting it and it's reprocussions are greater for him)WWYD? 

clseale13

Why would they break up if he doesn't have it? Does he think she cheated? Do they think she could have gotten it from the ex? This confuses me.

dukeylouise

That's a tough call. With something like that, I would think there would always be trust issues.

ac_in_dc

I don't think that STD's are as big a deal as people can make them out to be. Herpes sucks from what I understand, but it's not the end of the world, and the meds & stuff should work. Not sure how I'd feel about starting a new relationship with someone with this, but in an existing relationship I'd absolutely stick it out.What would the additional repercussions be for his immune system? 

tidetravel

He doesn't believe that she cheated.  He has a medical condition for which he has to be on medicines supress his immune system, so if he doesn't have it already, the risk for him getting it is increased.  Also, the symptoms of the disease would be more severe for him because his immune system couldn't fight it.

ndzenowski

I think friend has trust issues. If he's never had reasons to not trust her before, why not? It's quite possibly to have had herpes for a long time before an outbreak and I have coldsore (lip herpes) and my FI does not. We've been together for nearly 4 years and he insists I don't not kiss him when I have an outbreak and he never once has gotten a cold sore.Perhaps it's dormant in him but theres the possiblity that he doesn't have herpes.

salt78

Oh no poor girl. :-( If I were in that situation, I would stay with the person regardless. It sounds like they are in love and already had a life built together.

danieliza1127

Well I think first and foremost, if she really didn't cheat, she needs to talk to her doctor about it and ask her doctor to explain to her BF that it is likely/possible/probable that she got it from ex-H and just never knew until now.  Then all he can really do is decide whether he cares enough to end the relationship.  I mean obviously they were pretty committed to have been together that long and buy a house together, so it shouldn't be so easy for him to walk away.  I don't know what I would do.  I can definitely see how it would make you not trust the other person, unless you can medically show that it's been there all along and you just never knew.

ndzenowski

Ah, you posted while i was posting. I take back what I said, I somehow missed the medicines he's on being immunosuppresants.

Leah&Christian09

If I were in his shoes, I would stick with my s/o unless I was pretty certain that they had cheated.  Herpes definately sucks, but if I loved someone, I would take the necessary precautions and risk it rather than breaking up with them over it. 

laboheme68

But that does suck...I feel really bad for them I hope they can make it work without there being trust issues.

lyndausvi

ditto noelle.

J&K10910

Are his health issues (that require immunosuppressants) something that will be with him for the long term?  Will he be on these drugs for an extended period of time?  I assume he will be, or there wouldn't be an issue.  I'm with whoever suggested exploring other options for their sex life.  Educating themselves about herpes as much as possible may ease his fears a little bit. 

tidetravel

I'm hearing everything 2nd hand from DH.  I think most of this is just him trying to talk things out w/ DH, and personally, I don't fault him for the things that he is thinking - it would be a confusing situation for anyone in the situation.I know that the two of them have talked, at great length, but I think they are both waiting until the test results come back to make any other decisions.

wadingmoose

I think it's somewhat amusing that if he doesn't have it, he'll leave, but if he does, he'll stay.  In a way that's saying "heh, well, if you haven't made me sick, I'm gonna go find someone who isn't sick.  What?  You'll have trouble getting relationships?  Awwww.  Too bad.  So long, sucker!"I know this isn't his intent, but let's face it, it's the end result.

tidetravel

Wading - that's pretty much what I told DH, and what DH is telling friend.  I am hoping that was just him "talking" and trying to cope with it.

ac_in_dc

btw, there's a pretty good chance the results will come out positive.  20% of americans carry the genital herpes virus (see the CDC site) and I think only a small percentage ever show symptoms.That's why they don't even bother to test you for it at the gyn. It would just freak people out unnecessarily.

NuggetBrain

Is it possible for her to contact her ex and find out if he has herpes?  The only reason I say this is because it sounds like he's probably the one who gave it to her, and if so he might not know he has it and should be informed.  Or maybe he does know, and is just that big of a buttnugget that he didn't bother to tell his ex-wife that she might want to get tested.  What a horrible situation.  I wouldn't stay with my FI and he probably wouldn't stay with me, and here's why - I was a virg when he met me and he's the only man I've been with.  He was only intimate with one woman before he met me, and that was over 10 years ago so we're both clean.  So if suddenly one of us popped up with the herp, it would be pretty obvious someone was humping someone outside of the relationship.

BecW2be

That sucks. How horrible for her if one ex gave it to her and then another dumped her for having it. That poor thing. I'd have to really reconsider my relationship if my FI was even considering dumping me, regardless of the reason. I understand it, but there are so many ways to prevent the spread. Would he expect to be treated differently by her if he got testicular cancer and ended up impotent for life? Would he expect her to dump him? That's a much more extreme problem, but without the stigma of STD. Just something to think about... I'm so sorry for both him and her. Poor people.

goheels05

So wouldn't this be true for any communicable disease she might get? I mean, what if it wasn't an STD but just some disease that he could get from her. Would he leave her just because of that? My thought exactly.I don't know that herpes can lay dormant in your body for that long without ever having symptoms.  Typically you would have an outbreak 2-60 days after contracting it.  But if she is telling the truth, her BF probably already has it.  It's really not that bad though.  You are only contageous during an outbreak (although there's a slim possibility that you can be having an outbreak and not know it and give it to your partner, i.e., you have sores internally but they haven't yet spread externally), and the longer you have it the fewer outbreaks you have.  Some people only have one or two in their whole lifetime, and most people never have another outbreak after 6 years.  Initially you have to decide whether to take Valtrex or some other pill (can't remember what it's called).  Valtrex you take daily and it prevents outbreaks.  The other stuff, you only take during an outbreak and it helps end it faster.  Unless you have frequent outbreaks, you don't need Valtrex.  The problem with Valtrex is if you are on it, the second you stop taking it you are pretty much guaranteed to have an outbreak, like, the next day.  And it's wicked expensive.  I had to take it for a case of shingles and a 2 week supply was like $30 after insurance.