More FMIL issues...

LawrenceSN

So I thought I got lucky in the FMIL department, because I always hear other girls whining about their bossy, intrusive and pain in the butt mother in laws. Well, apparently mine isn't much better. So we went to a baby shower yesterday for my FI's cousin and I swear my FMIL directly asked or brought up or 'mentioned' SOMETHING about when FI and I plan to have children, probably 10+ times over a 2.5 hour time span. Ok, so I get it. It's a BABY shower... but that doesn't mean just because we are getting married that we have to talk about MY child bearing choices. FI and I have talked about this, and I don't particularly want children at all (and he if ok with that, and even if we do in the future it'll be a LONG LONG time). On the other hand... neices and nephews are great (it's not that I don't like kids at all, I just don't want any of my own). I have a sister with pretty extensive special needs (I practically raised her) and feel like I am justified in not wanting children. FMIL makes me feel like I am a bad person for this. She already has a 9yr old grandson and an 18 mo. old granddaughter from FI's older sister, so it's not like she doesn't or won't have any grandchildren at all if FI and I don't have any kids. My parents on the other hand won't have any if we don't, and they are ok with that. I have nicely said to FMIL that I don't want children, or at least for a long long time and that we'll let her know if we are expecting. How else do I let her know to BUTT OUT and that that's private and not her business? Any thoughts? Thanks.

laboheme68

God, that is really annoying. Your life choices are your own. My mom does this to me all the time. Children are ok, but I like leaving them with their parents at the end of the night. I'm not sure if I even want to have kids. She brings up the idea of having kids all the time, and expects me to have kids within a year and quit my job so I can be at a stay at home mom. Not that there's anything wrong with SAHM's, but I've worked too hard at my job to give it up. Logical, sane responses don't work on her. "BUT AREN'T BABIES JUST SO CUTE!?" is her response. So I say things like: "We're waiting to have kids until the dollar and the euro are equal" "What if my cat is allergic?" When relatives do this I just ignore it, or say it's not their business. Because it isn't. My FI's Uncle told me that "Women like to feel needed, you'll eventually want a baby on your hip!" Because, clearly, I can't enjoy life without a child. Sigh. Some people just have more traditional values, and will always be pushing the baby angle. With your FMIL, I would just ignore it. Or have your FI tell her to tone the baby talk down a little. JESUS CHRIST.

duckie1905

Just get used to it.  You'll begin hearing it from more people than just her as time goes on.And, I'm sure she sees it as her business too considering the child would be her grandchild.  It isn't her business but just brush it off.  This isn't a cross to die on considering 90% of daughters-in-law deal with this sort of behavior.

SwedishChick2011

Maybe say "Nothing has changed since the last 50 times you've asked.  This is between FI and me, and it makes me uncomfortable when you keep bringing it up." 

laboheme68

No, she isn't over reacting. When you are getting baby talk pummeled at you it really IS intrusive. There are unknown factors that people outside the marriage may not know about. What if a woman getting baby questioned has a medical condition that would make it difficult for her to have kids? Then questions about kids would be like rubbing salt in a wound. It's just a really invasive topic to bring up, in my opinion.

aimerzkd214

It seems to me whenever people get married they are going to get asked when are you having kids.  it may be annoying but I don't see it as a big deal but if it is annoying you maybe have your FI talk to his mom about it.  She is just excited about new grand kids she may not realize how she is being demanding. I also think that if this is the most PITA thing your FMIL does then you still have it pretty good.

tidetravel

Tell her you are sterile.  That should shut her up.Then, if you do decide to have kids, she will think it's a miracle.

LawrenceSN

LOL - tell her I'm sterile. That's a good one. I might actually have to to do that. To those who said tell FI to tell her to STFU.. he actually thinks it's funny. Yeah, it's funny because she isn't asking YOU! He didn't think it was so funny when she kept asking him when we were getting married (after being together 7+ years)... lol. I guess I will never understand why people think it's their business to meddle in the personal lives of others. Just because you are my FI's mother, doesn't mean you are welcome to know my bedroom behavior. I mean c'mon, I don't ask you if you and your husband have sex on Tuesdays, do I? Most certainly not. I guess I just come from a family who understands 'private' and 'public' information. Mine is more of a 'need to know' sort of family (as in, if you need to know, someone will tell you - if you don't... you won't be the wiser), and I suppose hers is more of an 'everybody needs to know' kind. That's kind of like people who go up to women who are pregnant and touch their bellies - would you normally go up to someone you DON'T know or barely know, and touch them? I don't think so.

banana468

Your FI thinks it's amusing?  Ditto tide.  Tell her you fear he's shooting blanks.  Or better yet, tell her that he doesn't "know" you all that well.

shannjeff

you know my FI's brother and his wife told his parents they were not having children..well his mother kept bringing it up over and over..turns out his wife can't have children and didn't want to tell anyone about it other than her husband..boy did that shut his mother up! i guess its up to me now since she has only two boys.btw that sterile thing is f*cking hilarious!

liashke

I've already told my FMIL that she's not getting grandchildren out of me... and, luckily, she's cool with that.  (So is my own mother.)  I read a couple of childfree blogs, though, and the parental "bingo" seems to be one of the ones that can be really hard to deflect and/or deal with.  I can point you to a couple of those if you'd like... they sometimes have advice on how to deal with these situations.  And they certainly recognize how invasive such a question can be.From reading your post, I'm thinking it might be good for your FI to be the one to tell her that the decision was talked through and carefully made, and if you (meaning you and FI only) decide to revisit it down the road, you will, but right now it's a settled private matter.  My concern is her thinking you've convinced him not to have children or somesuch, but also somehow to get her to leave you alone... I know from listening to people that it may not work, though.Wishing you lots of good luck.