Open Marriage

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

Okay, I tend to think of myself as pretty open minded. I guess not.An old friend of mine contacted me today and we were catching up. He apparently is in an open marriage. He has a live in girlfriend (she and his wife are apparently in a relationship was well), his wife has a long distance BF, and he is currently dating casually. Oh, and GF just gave birth to his child.Personally, I don't see the point in getting married if you're going to have an open relationship - sort of goes against vows, in my opinion. Have the open relationship without the marriage. But, at the same time, I know it's not for me, but no one's getting hurt in the process (assuming they're being honest and safe), so why not?So, what do we think of this situation?

J&K10910

I also don't get why you'd bother to get married then.  I try to look at it the same way--as long as they're being safe, and everyone is alright with it, then cool.  But something inside my head screams that it's just not quite right.  Not quite healthy, perhaps?

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

Matthew has 4 mommies?

LauraT25

Yeah, explaining it to parents is tough...But seriously, I just don't understand.  I'm marrying my FI because he's the only man I want to be with.  What, exactly, does marriage mean to this couple?  Tax breaks and the ability to be on the same HMO?

banana468

What's odd to me in that scenario is what do you do if your wife and the GF want alone time but you want alone time with one of them?In the open relationship that I know, the couple each have a partner - one not shared!What do you do?  Say, "OK Eunice and Estelle you two can have nookie time now but I call Eunie at 10!"

liashke

It's kind of a far-off connection, the people I know in an open marriage, but I thought it was explained fairly well.  The marriage was the pairing that was committed to everyday living, supporting financially, making life decisions with, and in this case, raising a child and making decisions that would affect that child.  The other pairings were important (emotionally, physically, etc) but not ones that would ultimately be the day-to-day.  I'm probably muddling that a little, but the webpage she had it explained on isn't there anymore, so I can't refresh my memory of the wording.For me... my FI and I both have blinders on to anyone else, and we're fine with it that way. :> But I don't want to judge people who have other lifestyles.  If it works and they're all happy, I have no quarrel with it.

LauraT25

Haha I love that their names have become Eunice and Estelle in this scenario...

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

LOL Banana - the name Eunice made that even funnier for me. I think, the way he described it, is if they could all three legally be married, they would be. But then why on earth would the wife have the LD BF and the husband be trying to date other women?? I felt like I couldn't ask him why get married at all without being insulting or judgemental, but that's the question I have.

shanwalk2

I think it's all dandy until you bring kids into the situation.  I would think that's not quite a stable enough environment for a child. I'd never be a part of something like that, but it doesn't bother me until I see kiddos having to deal with the consequences.

LauraT25

Agreed - if it was just a trio of people all so in love that they would get married, then...well...I don't know.  But it doesn't stop there, with the extra boy toy and the dating.  So it's like they have an open trio?

ggmae

I know of a few people in "open relationships," but to me that's different than an open marriage. When you marry, it's more of a commitment and you take vows to be faithful to that person and having an open marriage seems to violate those vows. I'm not one to judge, so if it works for a couple then good for them. I'd never even consider it.

LauraT25

it doesn't bother me until I see kiddos having to deal with the consequencesAgreed.

ggmae

I agree about the kids as well. Way to confuse the heck out of them!

jajph1974

He must be REALLY into though, putting up with PMS twice a month

tidetravel

if it was just a trio of people all so in love that they would get married, then...well...I don't knowThis does not work... been there.And the extra BF/GF on the side is extra wierd.

J&K10910

What, exactly, does marriage mean to this couple? Tax breaks and the ability to be on the same HMO?Sadly, that's exactly what marriage means to some people.

banana468

The people I know in that scenario are also in it I believe, post vows.  I don't know that they set out for it to be this way but having it this way is what 'works' for them now that they're already married. 

ricksang

My H and I had a friend that were in a open marriage way back in the early 2000s. I did not stay in touch with them when I went to clollege but when I moved back up here 8 years later, we reconnect. I asked her to be in my wedding. One night when we were hanging out, she told me she was in love with me. I laughed it off b/c she was very drunk. Then, she was on the phone with me one time and her h and her hinted aound that they wanted a threesome with me. a. I was shocked. I did not know they still did this. b. I felt totally uncomfortable c. How dare they do this behind my H's back, a person who was supposed to be their friend! d. They have 3 young boys. What effect is bringing strange women home going to have on them? I called her a few days later after speaking to my H and told her I did not approve of her lifestyle and I thought it was wrong to put me in this situation by asking me to sleep with them. I kicked her out of my WP and ending the relationship.

tidetravel

you take vows to be faithful to that person and having an open marriage seems to violate those vowsOf course, the big assumption here is that they whole "forsaking all others" was in their vows.  I don't judge their lifestyle if everyone is open and honest about it.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

Maybe thats why he got the GF pregnant...though I guess pregnancy hormones are worse than PMS. Maybe he sends the wife to the long distance BF when she's PMSing Tide, without asking too many details, was it a situation like the one I described, or one where both women were with the man, but not involved with each other?

ricksang

My point is, if you have children, you shouldn't be bringing strange people home every night to sleep with. Also, FFS don't alienate your friends by asking them to join!

banana468

Rick, I think there's a HUGE difference between being in an open marriage and expecting others to be in open relationships as well.    

agk0125

I know a couple who has an open relationship. I don't think they go a far to have secondary significant others, I just think they have encounters outside of their relationship. They seem fine with it.I can't imagine FI and I ever doing something like that though.

ggmae

True, tide. I thought about that after posting. I don't have a problem with it either way, but I'm in the "what's the point in getting married if you are just going to be with other people" boat. There are some people out there who think it's nuts to be with 1 person forever, while there are others that think it's nuts to be with more than 1. I worked with a girl who thought I was crazy for getting married at all because "how can you love 1 person like that for the rest of your life?" What works for me doesn't work for her, and vice versa.

tidetravel

Tide, without asking too many details, was it a situation like the one I described, or one where both women were with the man, but not involved with each other?It's ok.  I have no shame.  M and I started dating years ago.  I was 19 and he was 21.  We were together a few years.  He had a coworker that started working with him.  We found out that she was Bi.  M was waay more experienced than I was at the time, and I was curious.  We "brought" her into our relationship - started out purely sexual, then she would start hanging out at our place more and more; spending the night, etc..  It was cool, and pretty awesome for a couple months.  We all cared for each other and were friends.  Long story short:  he left me for her.  It took me a long time to get over it, but looking back, it was a matter of the two of them having a lot in common; M and I were growing apart, and she understood a lot of his issues better than I did.8 years later, M and I end up back together by a total random whim of the universe, and are now married.  We've talked about "swinging" later in our relationship - it was something that we both enjoyed.  There are just certain boundries that would need to be established if we were ever to go there again 

lauralaur

My nephew had a very, very hard time wrapping his head around my father's three marriages (where everyone comes from in terms of parents), I can't imagine the confusion that this little boy will be going through. Then, he'll grow up thinking that this is normal, until he goes to school and tells the other little boys and they pick on him. How would you feel if you were the long-distance boyfriend? What is the point? This woman's got a couple of other people at home to fool around with, why even bother?

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

I get what you're saying game and tide about whatever works for another couple. I'm there too.I guess the part that makes me squirm a little is the marriage thing. Even if the vows don't say anything about forsaking all others, that part is implied with the marriage itself. Have the open relationship without the marriage - or is it just pretending for society's sake?

mrsAE

I know a few people in open relationships.  My former fiance is in one now, married to one woman she is pregnant, has a child with another, and they have a few "friends".  They are into an alt lifestyle and it seems to work for them.  I only get weirded out when he calls me and tries to meet with me.  I know the women my ex is with and the other women I know in that lifestyle are a little nutty.  They probably think they are very modern but it usually ends bad. 

tidetravel

My point is, if you have children, you shouldn't be bringing strange people home every night to sleep with. Also, FFS don't alienate your friends by asking them to join!I agree there Ricks

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

I think the difference between that though, Tide, and what this person is doing is the emotional commitment. I assume, if you and your husband do swing, that it will be a physical thing, and your commitment is to each other emotionally. I suppose if the LD boyfriend thinks he gets to sleep with her whenever he wants, but doesn't have to make the commitment like most women want, that's a pretty good deal. Or, if he wants the commitment (and she does too), then he gets not only her, but also her GF.  

J&K10910

Tide, that's really interesting.  It just goes to show that what works for one couple doesn't necessarily work another.