NWR: Helping a friend (long)

Mrs.OldRooster

I'm a longtime lurker. I am hoping to get some honest opinions on a situation I am currently in.In my graduate program, we need to spend two days a week doing on-site training. One of my classmates has become a close friend. This year she requested a site that is an hour from the town we both live in, and half an hour away from my training site. This friend does not have a driver's license (legal reasons - too long to explain here). When she put in her request for her training site this past spring, she told me that she was hoping to have her license by Fall. We both started at our new training sites last week, and she still does not have her license. She is wanting me to drive her to her site twice a week.  Driving her to her site will add an extra two hours a day to my already hour and a half commute. I do not want to spend so much time driving. However, there is no public transportation available for her to take, and she doesn't really have any other options. I would feel like a bad friend if I didn't help her.Advice? 

ggmae

Will she reimburse you for gas?

scoetto

What gg said... and milage?

katiewhompus

I'm typically a mean friend...if you really don't have the time to add 2 hours to your day (or the money for gas) then you have to let her know. See if there is someone there she can carpool with or another way to get there. Ultimately it was her responsibility to have a mode of transportation prior to accepting the training site. She may need to request a transfer.

mocha beans

IMO, it was foolish of her to request, or accept, a transfer that would require her to have a license until she actually had that license.  I would not drive her there and back.

ac_in_dc

Can she get her assignment changed?  Seems like this is something that the school should be able to help her with (people spend a lot of money on graduate programs, they should help you out with some guidance on this sort of thing IMO).When will she get her license back?  A friend of mine got a DUI a couple of years ago and did a whole lotta biking.I might do it once a week or something, but it makes me wary, sounds like she's trying to take advantage of you or something.

C W

I wouldn't do it. I imagine time is really valuable as a graduate student and 2 hrs per day is a lot of time. How did she ask you? Did she assume you would drive her? It seems presumtuous to me..You said she was 'hoping' to have her license back by the fall. It was irresponsible of her to request a site that she might not be able to get to on her own.

SoSweet06

I'm in a grad program also, and there is no way I would add an extra two hours to my day. I couldn't get everything done. She is an adult and as such should be arranging her own transportation. You are a much better friend than I am just for considering it

Mrs.OldRooster

Yes, she will reimburse me for gas. She has been good about that in the past when I have given her rides. She is even talking about getting her mom's car for me to drive sometimes since I told her that I was concerned with putting so many miles on my 9 year old car. She is making it difficult to say no.

KA2

Is there a way she can get to her training site from yours? I wouldn't ask her to split gas though - you're going to drive to your training site anyway.

Mrs.OldRooster

I am not aware of any way for her to get to her training site from mine, except by taxi. I just called a company to check on rates, and from my site to hers, it would cost $50. So that would be $100 a day. This just sucks.

KA2

If you really could spare the time I would but if you really can't then can she put in for a transfer? how long is the training program?

ac_in_dc

No, MrsRooster, it doesn't suck. Not for you at least.  This is not your problem. How much are you realistically willing to give her? A trip a week? One every two weeks? One a month? No trips at all? No matter what the answer is, stick with it. Figure out what you're comfortable with given your other commitments, tell her that this is all you're able to do.  She'll have to figure out the rest herself.

ootmother2

I wouldn't.The money for gas and milage isn't a big deal for two hours a day when you're in a graduate program is.She should get a transfer if possible. 

zippityb

Ultimately it isn't your problem. This is a consequence of whatever happened for her to lose her license. Maybe she can hire her a driver for cheaper, like someone retired or out-of-work. You've got enough stress with school to deal with someone else's.

NicoleSahara

Can her mom take her? What a pain in the butt.

Mrs.OldRooster

Each training site is for a year. And we just started last week. She had to go in today (we normally will go Tuesdays and Wednesdays) and she called me last night and asked for a ride. I tried to tell her no, but she told me that she had no one else to ask. So I made a 2 hour trip on my day off. We are real close friends, but I feel like this is going to come between our friendship. Either I tell her no and she is screwed, or I become very resentful.

mocha beans

As much as it will hurt the friendship to tell her know, it's going to put a lot more stress on the relationship to be driving her around this much.  You will probably feel resentful before too long.

sucrets4

Why did she request a site so far away?  Were there other, closer options? 

111Kate111

Two hours a day is above and beyond, especially if her route will make your commute 3 and 1/2 hours!!! I don't think I would do it. Long commutes can be very stressful. If she is a good friend she will understand, if not, she shouldn't be pressuring you into this. Can she see if anyone else in the grad program can give her a ride- is there anyone else at her training site she could carpool with? Or what about her parents?? I would tell her to contact her professor or advisor- they are usually good at finding transportation for students in need. I know mine are, once they are clued into the situation.

Mrs.OldRooster

She requested this site because it had the training opportunities that she wanted. There were other options, not many, but some.Thanks everyone for your opinions. I have some serious thinking to do.

Puppylove*85

Don't do it.  Adding two hours to your commute is ridiculous.  You will resent her if you overextend yourself to be her transportation.  I know it is hard but you have to realize that pressuring you into this isn't being a good friend on her part.  I would call her and explain, "I'm really sorry but I can't drive you."  When she explains that she doesn't have any other options I would repeat, "I'm really sorry, but I can't be your ride."  If she continued to pressure me, I would have an excuse ready where I couldn't stay on the phone.  I would say, "I'm sorry, I really hope you figure something out."  Then I would say goodbye and hang up.  Don't give her the opportunity to continue guilting you.  You are a good friend to want to help her but she created this problem herself (because of her legal problems and requesting a training site so far away).  It's not up to you to fix it.  This is one situation where you need to put yourself first.

katiewhompus

You seem like a much better friend than she is. Asking for rides every once in a while is one thing, but that she expected you to give her rides so far out of your way is incredibly selfish on her part.Ditto above, "I'm sorry I don't have time to do that."If you want to take the chicken way out (I'm fond of these) you could always have "prior commitments" on those days until she stops asking.

sucrets4

She requested this site because it had the training opportunities that she wanted.That's selfish if she doesn't have a way to get herself there.If she needed a ride, she should have approached you BEFORE making the placement decisions and then been willing to take any one that is on the way for you.  That would have been the responsible, mature thing to do.I know you might feel bad saying no, but it's going to put a huge strain on you and your car.  It seems like she's doing this at the last minute just so that she can have her cake and eat it too by making you feel bad.  She's using you, and it's your decision whether to let it happen or not.

KA2

a year is a long time. here's a website where you can hire people for job gigs www.care.com - she might be able to hire someone to drive her for the 2 hrs  a day for about 10 - 15 /hr which is cheaper than a cab

Mrs.OldRooster

KA2 - Thank you! I checked out the site and I see a few options.

KA2

you're welcome - I hope every works out.