HELP! Parents refuse to meet fiance

MissJosGettinHitched

A visited a few Arab girlfriends of mine from university back in the city where I studied. Having completed our studies and many of us still un-married - many of us now have our parents panicking thinking we'll never meet anyone and get married. However... most of us have met somone... and would like to get married...but...:A question on behalf of a few second generation Middle Eastern brides-to-be-hopefuls... what can be done to ease tension with conservative, "fob" parents who refuse to meet with boyfriends simply on the basis that the 'don't approve' for x,y or z reason? eg. he's not 'our' level, he's not educated/rich enough.This is a very common problem for Arab girls, Hindi girls, and likely many girls of other cultures. Girl meets boy, relationship gets serious, marriage becomes the next step they want to take... but.... mom and dad are FURIOUS and don't want anything to do with the boy.Nothing to do with religion or race. They're just conservative parents that feel they should have all kinds of say in who their daughter marries and the list is a mile long and conveniently everything the boy isn't. All of sudden.What to do?

bombtones

I don't think I have much advice to give on this, except just trying to get the parents to see that you are happy and hopefully have that be enough to convince them to agree to meet they guy.There are cultural boards too where you might be able to track down other girls who have gone through similar experiences.

LarissaAnn

I don't know how to make stubborn parents be reasonable. If you find a solution for that one, let me know. If it was me, and I was madly in love, I'd say yes when he proposed, then let mom & dad know we were engaged and try to get them to meet the guy. If they still refuse, I'd start saving for the wedding so that my fiance and I could pay for it ourselves, and then when we were ready, start planning. I'd open the door for mom to help with planning, wedding gown shopping etc. I'd reiterate the wish for the parents to meet the fiance, maybe on neutral ground at a restaurant, or maybe by inviting the parents over for dinner with the fiance. I'd keep trying, and hope they'd see how serious it really was and relent. If not, I'd invite the parents to the wedding. And I'd hope they'd show up.

paradyse

If you really, really, REALLY like this guy & are serious, get married without them. Or tell them, "I will do this with or without you". When faced with the choice of being in your life, meeting your future children, ect or not, chances are they will come around even if they don't like it. Just make sure you are willing for that to happen.

lpstl

I was going to tell you to check out the cultural boards, but it doesn't look like they have much traffic.I don't have personal experience with this, but I have several friends (all from India) who are in the same boat as you are. Unfortunately none of them have successfully won their parents over, and they feel it would be extremely disrespectful to go against their wishes, so they've stayed bf/gf for much longer than they'd like. One girl is making some progress, but it involved her boyfriend going to India to basically live with her parents for 3 months.

saschaduran

That is a really tough situation, and I have no experience with it to give you advice.  I know it is not as simple as doing what you want in your heart, as it may cause permanent damage to a close knit conservative family. I wish you the best:)

saschaduran

I do have many Chaldean friends back in Detroit, or girls that dated Chaldean men.  They would date white girls for many, many years, but then they would end up marrying a 19 year old Chaldean girl because they would be cut from the family business and community if they did not.

mrs.combs

I was in a similiar boat to this. My step-father really ignored my relationship with my fiance while we were dating. Everyone around us knew that we were talking about marriage, but he really didn't care to know. So, when we got engaged his response was: "Why?" followed by him hanging up on me (we were on vacation at the time of proposal). Of course, I was a bit hysterical but that lasted all of 5 minutes when I realized that I love my fiance and I want my life with him to be positive and, therefore, need to ignore the negative surrounding the situation. It wasn't the easiest, but my step-dad has come around. After all, most families do want what is best for you and in the end, most will hide their disappointment, or at least back down a bit, when they see that you are truly happy with your decision.

ac_in_dc

I think that the older you get, the easier it becomes... You have to decide for yourself what it means to respect your mom's culture and where you came from.  For some people that means doing exactly what their parents want. For many others that means remaining loving and respectful to their parents while doing things that they don't approve of. Even though your FI is not Arab, does he have the same values as you? Does he want the same things out of life? Does he respect your parents? If he does, then I think eventually he'll win her over, especially if you guys have kids someday!

gottahavashorti

Unfortunately, if they're set in their ways there will still be tension.  Personally, I'd say that I believed it was a good match and would prefer to marry for love rather than education level or income.  If they still do not wish to meet him, their loss.No matter which way you go about it, I woudln't be surprised by backlash by your parents and other family members.  Since your friends are in the same situation, hopefully you can support each other.If your family sees that you are serious about this and going through with it, they might accept it.  As a pp said, the possibility of grandchildren may also help.  FMIL has actually called to question why a marriage was being permitted.  She got over it by the wedding and happily attended.

ffmaid

When friends have had this issue they have made sure to have the guy/gal come to community type events that the date woudl be welcome at but the parents would likely attend mosque picnics local community fairs ect. So that the meeting is not in fi context but hey this person is a friend first then a boyfriend/girlfriend/ then a marriage potential / then a spouse. Easing into it has helped a lot be it muslim/hindu/quaker/ or mormon friends.  

mirmar

I can somewhat relate.  My mom is American and My father is Middle Eastern.  My cousins on my dad's side have gone through what you have.  all I can say is that after the initial shock, their parents have been very gracious and welcoming of new spouses. I think if your FI goes out of his was to be even more respectful and aware of culture, it would be beneficial to him in the long run.  I've had cousins in your same boat.  Their parents have accepted it or at least not disowned them. they will get over it with time,and if they don't you will have a great guy by your side supporting you.   I feel for you...

Meghana55

Just wanted to say that if you repost this on the South Asian board, many of the girls could probably share some similar experiences

adp23

I am third generation middle eastern, so my problem wasn't as bad as yours, but still tough. I brought my fiance (then boyfriend) around my family and introduced him just as a friend for a few months. My family, especially grandparents and aunts and uncles, were more willing to get to know him when they thought he was just a friend. Now, that hes my fiance, my family has grown to love him, and although they still will never be happy that he is a "white boy" and isn't the same religion as us (We're Orthodox) they know he makes me happy and want him to be a part of our family.My cousin had a similar situation. She was dating an Arab boy for a couple of years and then broke up with him all of a sudden for a non-Arab boy about a year ago. My family still has not gotten over it and are not as willing to accept her new boyfriend into the family.My point is, just take it gradually. I think our strict and traditional family members don't like to be surprised by serious relationships and are much more willing to accept it if they have time to get used to the fac that our fiances aren't Arab. Good Luck!

MissJosGettinHitched

Thank you all so much!