WWYD? FMIL

Pumpkin_Princess

I guess I'm posting a lot today, but FI and I just had a conversation about FMIL, and he's totally wimping out. She lives with us because she is elderly and has a lot of balance issues, but she insists on making our bed, washing our clothes, and cleaning our room. It drives me bananas. I'm not home enough to really do much about the situation, and it's FI's mom, so I asked him to speak to her about it. His response was, "It's going to get really uncomfortable around here and it won't accomplish anything. If you want, you talk to her." I'm willing to as long as he is going to back me up, but isn't this really something he should be doing?

sunflower1998

So, are you upset because you are waited on hand and foot or because she's in your personal space?

Pumpkin_Princess

It's because I don't have any personal space, and I'm an adult perfectly capable of taking care of those things myself. It's just very awkward for me.

sunflower1998

She's an adult.  I would think that if you speak to her calmly that she would understand and it would not be awkward.

AmoroAgain

Dude.  If she's elderly and has balance issues, she shouldn't be doing that stuff at all!  Tell your FI to man up!  Is he worried that she'll be mad or because he doesn't want to say no to his mummy?

Pumpkin_Princess

He says it'll turn into a huge fight and she'll be slamming doors for months. It's not what I want, but I can't deal with this forever. I didn't let my parents do this stuff.

redheadfsu

Um, she lives with you & cleans? WOW that is going to cause so many problems in the long run. Sounds like you are living with her, not the other way around.  How are you going to create a life together? I could not do it

Junebug060609

Could you not just calmly talk with her and ask her to stay out of your bedroom?

mwhitson14

I don't really know what I would do in your situation, but I am one to not get involved in something like that. Yes, it is your FI's responsibility to discuss it with her, but he's right, things will turn really awkward if you bring it up. Honestly, she probably just feels kinda useless and still wants to contribute in some way. This is the only way she knows how. I would just let it go. Yes, you are an adult and you're capable, but this is not a fight I'd try to pick.

aimerzkd214

He should really talk to her since it is his mother.  It sounds like maybe she is bored or uncomfortable living at your house.  Maybe get her into an adult activity or give her a project she will enjoy at home.  I would imagine being an older women you has to live with her adult son and his FI would be uncomfortable and just really stink so give her a break.

Pumpkin_Princess

From what I understand, the topic has come up before, and she doesn't stay calm. She turns it into a big thing about how nobody appreciates anything. I pay half of the bills, and I have no say in anything. I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

mwhitson14

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all Pumpkin. I suppose she doesn't want to go to an assisted living facility? If this is going to be a long term situation, and you know things are going to turn ugly if you bring it up, then I'd say it's just not worth the fight. If it was something like she is invading your privacy when you and FI are spending time together, then that's when I'd bring it up. I would make it a point to mention how much you appreciate everything she does, but you and FI just really need your own space.

Mofongo

Awkward situation for sure. Do you think doing these things is the only thing making her feel useful and productive? I sort of feel for her due to her situation, but it does not make what she's doing ok. I think your FI needs to tell her it's not safe for her to do these things with her health issues and maybe leave you out of it all together.

lyndausvi

Since she lives with you I think you should be able to speak to her about the issue on your own.   In a nice way, let her know your appreciate what she is doing, but you would prefer to do those things yourself.But really, I'm sure she is just bored and actually likes having something to do.  She also might feel by doing these things she is contributing to the household and she is not a freeloader.Really there are worse things she could be doing.  We are about hire someone to do what she is doing.

redheadfsu

How elderly is she? 80-90? I have parents that are 60-70 & they would not feel comfortable in my house. She probably is more uncomfortable with this then you. You & your FI need to handle this as a couple. Is going to live with you forever or is this short term? Is she in the guest room or do you have a basement apartment for her? You definitely need your own space. You need to have a plan & talk to her as a team. BUT She is in your bedroom? Personally i would leave our personal items out & she may never enter again.

lpstl

She's probably just trying to contribute in some way to the household, which is probably more important to her than you realize. I would take a positive approach and come up with something you are comfortable with her doing around the house, and ask that she replace what she does now with the new tasks.

gottahavashorti

Since she lives with you and you're the one bothered by it, I think you should talk to her. He should still be willing to support you if needed. Tell her that you love how much she does around the house and how much you appreciate it, but that since she's so good at finishing it all, you don't feel like you're able to contribute.  Ask her to leave your room & clothes for you to do so that you can contribute to the household cleaning as well.

KA2

Not much advice here as I would just let her be, I'm sure she's just making herself useful.

banana468

Since you're also a breadwinner I think it's fine if you talk to her.  However you also need to talk to your FI so that if FMIL vents, he doesn't respond with, "Well that's how SHE feels," rather than, "Well, we would appreciate a bit more personal space."I get that he knows how his mom will react but he also needs to understand how YOU are reacting - and his inaction is turning into a problem with him and not his mom.

LarissaAnn

You could always just leave sex toys out on the bed. That might stop her.

polichik

Tell her that you love how much she does around the house and how much you appreciate it, but that since she's so good at finishing it all, you don't feel like you're able to contribute. Ask her to leave your room & clothes for you to do so that you can contribute to the household cleaning as well.I think this is a really nice way of putting it.Otherwise, the Sex and the City episode in which Bunny walks in on Trey (her son) and Charlotte (his wife) having sex. That cured her habit.

thesuninherhead

I'm just wondering- are you living in her house, or is she in yours? Either way, I think your FI needs to lay some ground rules, although if it is her house (or a house she has lived in before you were around) that will be difficult.

bjporter88

I agree that you have every right to want your own space. Have a talk and express your gratitude for all she does, but explain that from now on, your bedroom is off limits. Any adult should understand that and if she has a problem with it, that is her issue and she needs to deal with it.

Pumpkin_Princess

Thank you ladies. I'm sure she is bored, but I still feel like she's crossing a line. I'm going to try to talk with her and hope for the best. FI is no help. He says he'll back me up, but he doesn't want to say anything to her himself. She tried a program at the local YMCA, but she has very bad balance and is blind in one eye, so she really can't do the things she wants to do and gets all depressed about it. I do feel for her, but this is definitely a long term thing and I can't let it go.