Guest disregards RSVP Date

lauraann57

My fiance's cousin included a note in his RSVP that basically said that our RSVP date was too early for him that that for now the answer is no but they may change to yes later.  Granted our RSVP date was a little early, but we are having a destination wedding.  And given the current economic climate, we wanted to get an accurate count as soon as possible so that we would know how much it is going to cost us.  At $300 a person, I don't think asking for the RSVP a couple of months early is too much to ask for, and we would have had no hard feelings if they just would have replied no.  I'm pretty livid and want to send them a letter explaining that there is no optional RSVP date and the we have put them down as a no with no option to change their minds later.  They were only invited because they are family.  We don't particulary enjoy them.  What would you do?

melishka716

I would let it go. Our deadline was July 27, but as you can se in my siggy, that didn't happen. Bottom line, give him the last possible dazte, like maybe 2 days before your final headcount needs to be in. Tell him that and if he doesn't,then I guess he may or may not have a meal.

ffmaid

Realize that asking for a RSVP several months in advance is too much invites should be going out 6-8 weeks prior so months in advance they will not even know they are invited. Yes you were rude. Yes you shoudl apologize yes your cousin was rude but if he gets back to you before youe headcount is due then you shoudl be gracious to him

melishka716

*see

banana468

I think it's rude to say that the response date is 'no' but I have to agree with the cousin that if you already have a response date now for a wedding that's in October, you're beyond early.  You're at insanely crazy early.  Invitations shouldn't even be sent for another month.When do you have to get the #s to your venue?  Call them a week before and see if they've had a change of heart.Did you invite them only out of family obligation?

Mryan209

so that we would know how much it is going to cost usAre you paying for all your guests?  If so, I'd tell him just that- you're paying and the RSVP is not flexible and you need to know now. 

melishka716

ffmaid: It's a destination wedding, so there should be a little bit more notice than 6-8 weeks. OP: How many months in advance are we talking about?

banana468

Even with a DW, the notice is the same.  STDs are often sent in advance but the invitations should not go out earlier.

danieliza1127

You shouldn't send out invites until 6-8 weeks before the wedding and your rsvp date really shouldn't be more than about  a month.  So if you have people that can't say for sure yet, you should just budget for them and give them time.  Some people may not know if they can afford to buy plane tickets and pay for a hotel room this early.  Give them a chance.  If you budget for them and they end up not coming, then you've just saved some money that's all!

lyndausvi

You are livid... Really?  You need to be a little more flexible in this or you are really going to be livid when people who RSVP yes so far out are going to have to back out (it happens to pretty much every bride I know regardless of where the wedding is located). "Given the current economic climate" people might not be able to commit to a DW a couple of months before the wedding. I would send him a note saying that you need to know for sure by the time the venue needs the counts.    

lyndausvi

btw - I had 5 guests who could not tell me until 3 days before the wedding if they would be able to make it or not. (one 90 years old with a guest and DH's cousin who was due around the wedding day).  I arranged with my venue to be able to let them know 3 days out.  The 90 year old made it, the cousin gave birth a few days early and did not make it. 

ac_in_dc

For a normal wedding ($25-$75) a head, it's kind of impolite to expect your guests to commit 2.5 months out. If you're paying $300 a head, though, you get to do whatever you want. Seriously?

ffmaid

Nope just because you are spending more then you are comfortable with does not give you right to be rude to your guests.

Moneypenny424

Livid?  There are definitely much better things in life to save that anger for, my dear. I understand that it is a DW and you wanted things done a bit earlier.  As PP said, tell your cousin the last date he can let you know if he can come.  It sounds like he'd like to try to come but yes, in this climate, several months in advance is too early for many to make a commitment.

mocha beans

Given the current economic climate, I wouldn't be able to give you a solid answer now either.  It depends on too many variables right now: how cheap are tickets, hotel rooms, are they going to be cheaper in Sept, will that make a difference, can I get off work, do I want to spend vacation time, how worried am I about layoffs and such.I think it's pretty biitchy to tell them that you are putting them down as no and there is no chance of them changing their minds this far out.  Vendors can't possibly need a guest list set in stone this far out, even for a DW.  If the hotel block expires, then I'm sure thy can find their own hotel, you don't have to pay for that, if that's part of the $300/head.I think you need to be a bit more understanding and empathetic.  Cut people a break.  You're going to come off as bridezilla at this rate.

Calypso1977

i understand you wanting guests to know as far in advance as possible as its a DW.  but that is waht STDs are for, not super ridiculously early RSVP dates.

lauraann57

Sorry guys. Have to disagree with most of the responses here.  Just so you know, other guests have called or written nice notes that said that they would love to come, but there may be a court case or other thing like a health issue but they will let us know closer to the date.  I'm completely understanding about that.  This jerk would cancel on us last minute for PTA meeting or dinner with friends. The reason why we wanted the RSVPs so early is to get people who really wanted to commit to commit.  If people are on the fence, just reply no.  There are hard feelings.  But when you leave me a rude note in my RSVP, I take offense.  At this time, he's already being told that it's a no. We are not guarenteeing his spot if he decides to change his mind.  It's our wedding, not his.  My parents are not paying for my wedding, it's me and it's noone's business whether they think I'm overspending.  Most guests who love us have already bought plane tickets and reserved rooms.

tlv204

Why did you invite him in the first place? You don't have to invite people just because they are family.

melishka716

I'm not saying his note wasn't rude, but if your wedding isn't until Oct., then there's no rush. Also, I think that those people who are "committing" now, would've done so, anyway.JMHO

GeekGurl

Why did you even bother asking for opinions when all you really wanted was validation for your rude behavior?

lyndausvi

Just so you know, other guests have called or written nice notes that said that they would love to come, but there may be a court case or other thing like a health issue but they will let us know closer to the date.So other people have told you the same thing, but it's only this guy you have a problem with?  I really do not understand why it's okay for the lawyers with court cases are exceptable and this cousin is not? 

lauraann57

And on another note.  They've known since February. We did this through calls and emails to give people a chance to look at their finances to see if they were able to make it.  And...judging someone else's wedding budget is just wrong.

lauraann57

So other people have told you the same thing, but it's only this guy you have a problem with? I really do not understand why it's okay for the lawyers with court cases are exceptable and this cousin is not? His note was so unbelievably rude.  He made it like we really inconvenienced him by inviting him and his wife in the first place.

ac_in_dc

I'm not judging your wedding budget.  I was judging the fact that you broadcast it as an excuse to expect more from your guests.

janedoe1113a

It seems like you're trying to find a way to not invite him, so just go ahead and tell him you're putting him down as a no.  You obviously don't want him there so you shouldn't have invited him in the first place.You were very rude to ask guests to RSVP for your wedding this far out.  I personally couldn't tell you what I'm doing in October and I always pan as far out as possible.

lyndausvi

you are just reading way too much into this.  Some people have better writing skills than others.  The point still is that other people feel the exact same way as this cousin, they just told you in a nicer way.Move on.   btw - I can't see how you can tell one person they can let you know later and not all of your guests.

Calypso1977

maybe i'm missing something.  do you need a comitment because you are actuallly paying for all of their accomodations or something?  I really dont see why you need headcounts so early for a meal, possibly 2 meals, if you count the RD. i mean, didnt you take your $10K budget (or whatever it is), divide it by the estimated cost per person that yo'ud be covering, then get a number, say 50 people, and then invite those 50 knowing you could afford 50?  if only 30 come, then you arent out any money.  i'm confused.  or, perhaps this is an A list/B list problem?

ootmother2

You wanted your opinion validated and it wasn't.Please don't DD  the post, it will justmake you look like a beebee.

mocha beans

If you disagree with most of the responses, then you already have your mind made up that you're right, so why post in the first place?Unless the letter said "You're fuucking stupid for asking for an rsvp this early and I'm not going to be bothered to rsvp this early cause you suck", then I don't see what is really all that rude about him saying it's too early for him to know for certain.  Being truthful is not rude.  Can't you put him down as a maybe?

melishka716

You asked for strangers opinions. We gave them to you. Please act mature and stop getting so defensive. If you didn't want our opinions, then why'd you ask in the first place?

mocha beans

btw - I can't see how you can tell one person they can let you know later and not all of your guests. This is exactly what makes you a rude hostess.  When cousin finds out that he was given a firm no, but auntie was given a maybe and was able to say yes 2 weeks before and welcomed, he is going to be pissed.  And rightfully so, I'd be pissed too.