vent-ish: changing you name and people poopooing it.

nvdmeulen

so FI and I have discussed me taking his name after we're married. and while I haven't quite gotten used to the idea, chances are I'm going to take his name at some point. even though I really like my name and think it's a good name, it's not like I will suddenly NOT be a member of my family if I don't share a last name with my brothers.now....why is it I have to deal with my sister treating this as some affront to my independence as a woman? how is this her problem if I CHOOSE to take his name? it's like I am now less of a woman in her eyes because I'm even considering it.some people's kids, I tell ya. ;P

zippityb

I will change my name because it will be the least-hassle route. I mean, it will be a big PITA to get everything changed, but once it is, things will be easier. My parents co-signed on my mortgage, and so I often get mail addressed to my dad and me like we're married. It kinda creeps me out. That has nothing to do with this, though.

mocha beans

Feminism and being an independent woman is about having OPTIONS to take his name or keep your own.Her thinking that your taking his name is an affront to independent feminism is no different than him thinking you keeping your last name is an affront to traditional values.Tell her to shove it.

Calypso1977

my sister and H's brother both threw hissies over me keeping my name.  my sister told me i was some sort of crazed feminist and H's brother thought i was disrespecting his family.people are tools.

J&K10910

You'd be getting it from somewhere no matter what you do.  You should have seen my mother's face when I informed her I was thinking about not changing my name.  I haven't mentioned it to FFIL yet, but I'm pretty sure he will be against it.  So yeah, people who care what you do with YOUR name suck.

mandysmear

Um, you can have feminist views and be all about the "girl power" (ew, did i just say girl power) and take your husband's last name.  I know plenty of feminists (who are on the more extreme side of the spectrum) who took on their husband's last name.

ggmae

I struggled with the idea of dropping my last name and taking DH's name, so I just bumped my maiden name to my 2nd middle name and called it a day. I'm all for women's rights, independence, and equality, but I don't understand how a woman taking her husband's name makes her any less independent.

karenttrouble

lame, feminism is about options! also, you'll get criticized no matter what you do with that decision.  It's a no-win.  Ugh.

polichik

Every time I see you in a thread, Mandy, I'm going to say "GIRL POWER!"As a diehard feminist, I agree with the pp who said it's about options. I think that as long as a woman feels like she has the option to keep her name, it's her business if she wants to take on her FI's name. It seems weird to me when women don't think they really have a choice. If you've considered both options, thought about why you want to take his name, and feel good about it, more GIRL POWER to ya!But, it's your business. Tell you sister to butt out and CTFO (chill the f out).

cocitygirl

Hehe, you said poopoo.Anyway, do what you want and your sister is welcome to do what she wants if/when she gets married.  It only affects you, so nobody else's opinions should matter on this topic.

fangsiting

You can still be an independent woman and change your name--to say otherwise is absurd.  The OP's sister just needs to get over the name change--it is the OP's decision.  However, I disagree with the posters who say that feminism is about choices and that that somehow is an argument that should shut the sister up.  Feminism is more than choices.  Just because a woman makes a choice, doesn't make it a feminist choice.  Changing your name is not a feminist decision.  It doesn't mean you can't be a feminist with your husband's name, because there is so much more to being a feminist, but changing your name is an anti-feminist choice.  The feminist movement has given us all the choice to change or keep--so having the choice is the result of feminism, but changing your name does nothing to advance the cause of feminism.  So that's probably why the sister is upset.  However, you aren't obligated to make feminist choices 100% of the time.  No independent woman card will be revoked if you decide to take a more traditional route every now & then.  Sister needs to deal. 

LarissaAnn

Ditto the people who said the point is CHOICE. The point of feminism is not to just saddle us with more oppression, after all. I had the same issue with my former bosses - female partners at a law firm. They FREAKED when I said I was changing my name and spent half an hour fighting with me over it, telling me how horrible I was. Wanna know DH's take on the issue? He's not even the one who brought it up; I was. And his response was, "I'd never tell you what to do because it's your name and your choice, but I'm happy you want to take my name." Now... which is less oppressive, exactly? And tell your sister, either way it's a man's name - your father's or your husband's. It's not like you're currently carrying your mother's maiden name, right?

tenofcups4me

And tell your sister, either way it's a man's name - your father's or your husband's. It's not like you're currently carrying your mother's maiden name, right? Sorry, that's the most ridiculous thing. Yes, the name I currently is my father's name. What difference would it make if it was my mother's name? The point is that it's MY name, the name I've had my entire life. I think fangsiting expressed it perfectly -- you might be a feminist (or independent or strong woman), but giving up your own name is simply not a feminist choice. It might be the right choice for any given woman -- and that woman might still be a feminist -- but that particular choice is not.

yuodelj

It is ppl like her that made me become a women studies minor....just to tell them to piss off....it's about CHOICE.

karenttrouble

Tencups, who made you the decider of what's feminist and not? I'm a big feminist. I'm keeping my name. But I would never judge someone for changing their name. Attitudes like that are what turn people away from feminism. Women need a little less judgement, okay?

fangsiting

Karen, tenofcups is not judging (I'll defend her because she was agreeing with me)--she even says changing your name might be the right choice.  Stating that something is not a feminist choice doesn't mean it's a wrong choice.  Changing your name might be the right choice for someone, but it is an anti-feminist choice.  It's a tradition that goes back to when the name change represented the transfer of authority from the father to the husband.  There is nothing feminist about that.  Words do have definitions and the word "feminism" is no different.  Yes, there can be some variation, but you can define it.  Feminist didn't fight for choice, they fought for equality.  Equality allows us to make choices, but if all the feminists chose to change their names, then we wouldn't have ever gotten to the point where it's acceptable to keep your name.  Having choices is an indirect result of the feminist movement.  I'll explain it another way.  I'm making the feminist choice by keeping my name, but there are other non-feminist choices I'll be making in my marriage.  I'm not good with money, so when I get married, FI will be the main person in control of fiances.  That is not a feminist choice.  I also like to bake, just like a good little housewife in the 50s.  Feminist fought to free women from the financial control of men and the kitchen.  We are now free to make our own choices.  But just because feminism has given me these choices, doesn't mean what I choose is a feminist choice.  Giving more control to FI with the money & baking do nothing to advance the cause of feminism.  Feminism has allowed me to make these choices, but I'm picking the non-feminist option because it's what is right for me.   

nvdmeulen

sorry for the post and run-ness, and thnx for all your replies :)ya, my sister generally needs to chill out about a lot of things concerning me, but she's a big sister and is also a wee bit protective. unfortunately that protectiveness comes out in more of a domineering and critical manner.I do agree that the biggest thing that feminism brought women is the power to choose for themselves, and that there is no such thing as an "anti-feminist" choice. that kind of mutually exclusive way of thinking is what brings both sides of the argument a bad name.

holtzerjonas

PPs are right when they say that whatever your choice is, there are people who will not be happy about it.  I hyphenated, but I still go by my maiden name at work (this is actually very common for female attorneys).  My parents were pretty much like whatever about it, but I could tell that my FIL was annoyed.  FI left the decision completely up to me, and is kind of proud that I have an established career that kind of necessitated the retention of my name.  When it comes down to it, you just have to do what's best for you. 

marinabreeze

Everyone is going to have an opinion, and you're not going to make everyone happy.  You have to do what is right for you.  For myself, I intend on taking my FI's last name legally and using it in day-to-day and social situations.  However, in my professional work I will probably use my maiden name and married name in tandem.  I am a PhD student and will be finished and (hopefully) in my career by the time we marry, I already have presented academic works and am known in my field by my maiden name.  I know a number of female professors who have done this (for continuity since names and reputation are important in my field), and so it's not without precedent.

ebienz

Thank you, Fangsiting, for putting my thoughts into lovely words!  :)Taking your husband's name is an action that subsumes your identity within his, at some cultural (or idealogical) level, which is not feminist.  However, it may serve some very useful and worthwhile purposes in your life or your relationship, and you have every right to do whatever you want.  The thing I find frustrating, is how little conversation there is about men in heterosexual relationships changing THEIR names.  Ever.  I know it occurs, but it is VERY rare.  I brought up the idea with my honey, and he looked appalled without really even answering the question.  So we are simply keeping our own names.  It is very difficult for many straight men to comprehend the social, emotional, cultural, and political factors involved in this decision.  As constricting as women's gender roles may still be in many cultures, I think the role of "hetero American Man" is still a much tinier box to live in than most.