Should I pay?

aerinpegadrak

We determined this weekend that FI and all the groomsmen will be wearing black and white wingtips to the wedding.  I would like our groomswoman to wear black and white spectator style heels to help tie things together.  A quick Google search revealed a large variety of styles at various price points, and most of them would work.So, if I ask her to get this particular type of shoe, should I pay?  The shoes for the guys are included in their tux rental, which they're paying for. 

Night_Sprite

I think you should pay for the shoes.

Brie2010

Yeah, I'd buy them for her.  I'd be annoyed to have to buy shoes and a dress, neither of which I'd wear again.

NotNumbers

I'm going against the flow here, but it's pretty normal where I'm from for the bride to dictate the shoes.  Personally, though, my first question is whether it's something she is likely to wear again?  If not, I would look at finding a cheap option and paying for it if you can.

Ciaram22

You should definitely pay for her shoes.

aerinpegadrak

I'm not 100% sure if it's the kind of thing she'd wear again, because I only ever really hung out with her at work where we had fairly strict costume requirements.  It does seem like her style, though.  She might even already have a pair, or know someone who can lend her one.

vicmo5

I think you should pay. 

tlv204

I want.[img]<a href="http://i28.tinypic.com/2hrcy2u.gif" rel='nofollow'>http://i28.tinypic.com/2hrcy2u.gif</a>[/img]

aerinpegadrak

Stage: As far as my circle, I honestly don't know, because I haven't been to or in that many weddings.  My sister wanted us all in pink shoes, and one of my BMs had all of her girls in dyed-to-match shoes (no idea who paid, I wasn't a BM).  I was initially inclined to think automatically that I should pay, but seeing how common this style of shoe is, it doesn't strike me as all that different than asking her to wear any one color.  Perhaps I'm wrong in that, though.

tlv204

I wouldn't call that a common style of shoe really. 

Night_Sprite

If you are going to dictate the shoes, it is completely appropriate to pay for them.  I would never wear shoes like that on purpose.  It is NMS.  It is not your place to dictate her style.  Black shoes of any kind will be fine.  No one will notice but you.

jessiegirl_98

How much are they? How much are the dresses? I have had to buy matching shoes to be a BM before and was not happy. Nothing like spending $40 on uncomfortable shoes that you only wear once (I actually changed shoes at the reception)

ThePinkSuperhero

I think you should pay. It's one thing if you're suggesting something simple like black pumps, but for something like this, it's probably not something she'd otherwise need or want.

ThePinkSuperhero

In this case, she could just as easily wear a pair of black shoes she already owns. It would still look nice.

monsoon737

Most of the people posting said that you should indeed pay for the shoes. I believe this is because if they were the BM, they wouldn't want to have to buy the shoes. Truth is, the general rule is that the BM pays for the shoes, the dress, and any other accessories. For my sister's wedding, I had to buy this bracelet that just wasn't my style to match the other BMs even though I knew I would never wear it again. By the groomswoman agreeing to be in the wedding, it was implied that she is willing to take on the financial aspects of being a groomswoman as well (btw, I think groomswomen are adorable, especially if you put them in a suit!). So, to summarize, don't feel bad about asking her to buy the shoes! It's a normal thing for brides to ask their BMs to buy the dyed-to-match-the-dress shoes, and this is no different. However, I would just show her a couple of examples and let her pick what she wants. Hopefully she will find use for the shoes again. If you still feel guilty, don't be afraid to blatantly ask if she thinks she'll be able to wear them again. If she doesn't, you might want to think about splitting the shoes with her to help her out and just generally make her feel better about the whole situation.

banana468

Most people I know have NOT had to buy matching shoes for a wedding that they were in.  That wasn't the case for my wedding and it wasn't the case for several of the weddings that my BMs were in.  Making it commonplace doesn't make it OK either.  Particularly in this situation where you're dictating a VERY specific style, I'd say you should pay.

tlv204

Wait. You're now going to ask HER to pay for a pair of her own shoes, and then YOU'RE going to paint them?  That makes even less sense.  If a bride tried to paint a pair of my shoes I would throw a fit. If you keep finding cheap-ish ones, why don't you just buy a pair instead of hoping she picks cheap ones?  I mean it goes both ways, if she picks out her shoes she should pay for them, if you pick them out you pay for them.

monsoon737

Here is what Ask Carley (the Q&A person for the knot) has to say about the issue: Q. Do bridesmaids have to pay for their own dresses? A. Bridesmaids are generally expected to pay for their own wedding-day ensemble (shoes and jewelry included). If you're a maid and you think the cost is going to be an issue, voice your concerns to the bride. Hopefully she'll choose a dress that's reasonable priced, or consider letting you choose your own. She may give you some color/style requirements (e.g., black and ankle-length), and then each of you would choose something that suits your standards. That way, you decide how much to spend. If your financial situation is truly traumatizing you, just be upfront with the bride about what you can and cannot afford. Everyone has to be flexible. My main point was that Aerin is NOT required by etiquette to buy the shoes for her groomswoman. Certainly, it would be a nice gesture/just nice in general if she did pay for the shoes. Just giving her another perspective. Retread, I never said or implied that they were barbie dolls. I was just reiterating what general rules I had read on this site (including from ask Carley above). It sounds like Aerin is being a considerate bride, she's asking the question and it sounds as if the groomswoman isn't spending a ton of money on attire as it is.

tlv204

It's not your or aerin's place to decide what is too much money to spend on BM attire.  To me, $5 would be too much to spend on shoes I would never wear again. Also, Carley is an idiot.

monsoon737

Tlv, LOL! Thanks for letting me know Carley's an idiot. I'll keep that in mind for the future )