Guest List Guilt (apologies for length in advanced)

megk8oz

So FI and I have guest list of roughly 100 people that is split pretty evenly down the middle at the moment (Yay, nobody fighting about "who got more" between the fams!)I pretty much told FI that as far as HIS family is concerned, he can use his own discretion as to who he wants and doesn't want. I mean, I don't really have a right to really tell him that he can't invite members of his own family (Especially since I know there would have been hell to pay on his end if he tried to control my half of the invites ... I try to be fair, lol).So FI has made his list and left out a few of his cousins (All at least age 23), and he has based this on " I don't like them anyway and then they got married/are getting married, and I didn't get the invite, so why invite them?". Which, I'm ok with this logic for the most part, (Again, HIS side of the list) and he's now excluding 8 (Well, 4 couins, 4 S/Os) people that probably would have been invited ONLY if money was no object (An extra 8 people=almost another $1,000) or somebody on his side was paying for it and insisted on them being there.Anyway, I'm starting to get uneasy about this a little because 2 of the 4 are siblings AND children of relatives he's inviting (As in K is not invited, but her sister and parents ARE). The other 2 are sisters, there parents ARE invited, but FI wasn't really expecting their parents RSVP "yes", since they sort of treat FI and his sister like "black sheep". But the sisters are pretty much the ONLY children of the aunts and uncles that are not invited at all (The others all have at least one of their children on the guest list). I'm not really sure I can change his mind about this (Invites are not going out for another month) ... honestly, I don't really like them either, and I do understand his reasoning, I just feel guilty.I'm not looking for validation, I just want to know: how terrible it is to do something like this?**Prepares to be flamed**

steffenfam

Sorry, I'm confused.  Let him deal with his family's invites and forget about it.

shawna77inil

Honestly, in my humble opinion, you just can't really do that. There would be hell to pay if I tried to do this in my family. Everyone has that one aunt or one cousin or one whoever that you would really rather not have there. If you can't afford to invite everyone with the full intention that they will be there, then you shouldn't invite anyone from that particular family unit. To do so would be unbelievably tacky in my opinion.  If it was your shower or something, OK, but the wedding itself?  Not so much. 

Kati0105

I assume you and your FI are paying for the entire wedding with no familial contributions?  If so, yeah, let FI handle it.  If his family is contributing at all they do have some say in what relatives are invited.

cheerbear323

I personally had a similar problem, only with my side of the family. I chose to invite entire family units just to keep the peace. I felt otherwise people would be offended and possibly start family drama.

megk8oz

We're paying for the whole thing. If his family was helping, I know that there WOULD be a lot of guilt laid on about him wanting to do things this way. All of these relatives are from his father's family (His mom's family is super small), and every time I try to broach the subject (Again, I'M feeling uneasy about this), he really just tells me "I'd rather invite more people from YOUR fam if we're tacking people on: they're more fun" (Truly his words, not mine, and I have no intention of adding people on my side unless we get a bunch of "declines").I think part of this is also he's been angry with his dad in general lately (His dad has been pretty much trying to talk us out of getting married when he ISN'T trying to force suggestions down our throats ... 3 wives in, he's decided NOBODY should marry before they're 35), and while it may be immature (Which is really not FI's nature), he's sort treating this as "I will not have my dad control my wedding, I'm an adult, I'm writing the checks, I don't need to make him happy".I just keep thinking if we don't add them, this is going to get ugly, especially since the wedding is right after Christmas, and the ENTIRE family gets together ... I'm sure somebody's going to bring it up that we cut people.

Kati0105

especially since the wedding is right after Christmas, and the ENTIRE family gets together ... I'm sure somebody's going to bring it up that we cut people.I think if the family is this close it will create a lot of drama to invite some but not others.

megk8oz

The other thing was all 4 of these cousins either got married or have sent out invites for their weddings that are later this year, and FI left off the guest list for all of them, and FI's sister was only invited to one of them. FI's dad and stepmom made the cut for all of them, as did most of the other cousins that we are inviting. So I think his logic is kind of "If they think this is acceptable, fine"But I honestly don't think his family will find it so acceptable when HE's doing the "leaving out".

shawna77inil

If you do it his way, I think you'll have to skip Christmas.  Like, forever.  LoL  Otherwise, someone is going to throw a turkey.  Maybe not this year, maybe not next year, but it's going to happen.

megk8oz

I just also feel bad pushing the issue with him, because he pretty much left my side of the list alone (Which we didn't go in thinking "Ok, you get 50, I get 50, make it work, it really just worked out pretty evenly), and we are splitting the wedding costs pretty evenly as well (I know, we sound so "mechanically perfect", right?). And, this would be adding 8 people ... who would probably only show up strictly because its open bar ... But like I've been saying, I don't want to push it with him ... but I still feel like this is not a good choice ... but I don't really know if we could financially add the extra people ... I'm just really torn on the matter. I know its HIS decision to make, but these people are about to be my family too.

Kati0105

Is it an option to not invite any of the cousins (invite his aunts and uncles only and no cousins since he wasn't invited to any of the cousins' weddings)?  I think that would be less offensive than inviting Cousin Jane but not her brother Cousin Tom.

megk8oz

Well this is where it gets awkward, the 2 that have siblings that are invited (Say K is not invited, but D is), FI actually is pretty close with the 2 that are invited, (And then obviously, not as close with the uninvited sib).Its really weird that FI is being a jerk about this whole thing, because normally he's very "zen" about life and doesn't let drama get to him. Maybe its just the effect his family has on him, but I kinda think he's being a bit immature about this.

ms15

I have a similiar situation and I still havent' addressed it (thankfully the wedding's not planned yet).  I am not very close with my extended family and originally decided on a small intimate wedding with about 50-100 people that included mostly friends.  Then I felt guilty about not inviting the "usual" relatives.  Both sides of my parents' families are big and weddings are a big deal.  I've been invited to all my cousins' wedding and even weddings of distant relatives and family friends.  I've been with my fiance for 2 years and everytime I see my relatives, they ask me when I'm getting married.  Now that we plan on getting married, I dunno how to tell relatives they're not invited. And it's not cuz I don't like them (i like them very much), it's cuz we're footing the bill for the whole wedding and it's just TOO expensive to pay for everyone.  Any ideas?