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Fetus reduction/coping?

A very good friend of mine has twins.  They are turning 2 on Friday.  I had a wine night with her last night and she is having a hard time with this since its around their bday:She is very petite.   She got pregnant with triplets.  Her doctor advised her to reduce to twins because her body wont be able to carry triplets to term and the risk of serious medical complications was great.  They chose to reduce.  It was a very difficult decision for her, esp since all the babies were growing at the same rate (typically they chose the fetus that is behind the others, but when this isnt the case, they go for whichever is easier to extract).  she has 2 little girls and wonders if the 3rd was a boy, they would have named him James, what it would have been like, etc. I felt awful for her and felt like i sounded like an idiot trying to make her feel better.  I kinda just let her talk since I think thats what she wanted.  Any advice for when I see her next week or the future?

Re: Fetus reduction/coping?

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    Whoa, twins and then triplets.  That's insane.
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    I don't have any advice, that's really sad.  I think just listening and being there for her will be helpful.
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    Shelly - I THINK these twins are the result of the fetus reduction. Punky - I think listening is really helpful for a lot of people.  Don't say you understand or you know how it feels, unless you really do.  Listening is such an amazing thing sometimes.
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    Shelly, she didn't have twins then triplets, she was pregnant with triplets and had to reduce to twins.
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    I think just being there for her and listening to her talk about it without any judgment is all you can really do.  I think it is impossible to understand the emotional ramifications of that type of decision unless you've had to make it yourself, so I doubt she would expect any more from you than an open ear and warm shoulder.
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    What a rough decision.  let us know what the nesties say.  I would be very curious.Personally I wouldn't bring up the fetus they lost--I'd focus attention on the twins.  Does she have decorating ideas yet for their room?  Has she thought about names?  Who's throwing her shower?  Fun stuff like that. 
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    Maybe talk about it in terms of how it helped the other babies be healthy?  That is really tough.
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    I didnt even think of posting this on the nest.  I wonder if I would even get responses since I never post there.   Thanks!shelly- she reduced from triplets to twins.
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    Heels- they are already born.  Turning 2 on Friday :) I think its one of those rational/irrational mind sets.  She KNOWS she made the right choice for her and her family and health of her 2 babies.  She still feels guilt and sadness.  kinda like people who blame themselves for deaths they couldnt control or people who sometimes think they are fat but arent.
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    If it's been 2 years and this is still affecting her to this degree, I would suggest counseling.  I don't know that there is anything that you can say - just be there for her when she needs you. 
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    Something tells me the Nesties would be all over this for her deciding to reduce, as in they will be against her decision.  I hear they're crazy on those baby boards.
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    I also agree that besides just being there and listening when she wants to talk about it, you should probably suggest she go to counseling.
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    I have no experience with this particular situation but I have experienced multiple miscarriages and I can offer advice on that seeing as they are *somewhat* similar.If she wants to talk about it, let her get it out.  Allow her to grieve for the lost child.  There will be plenty of people surrounding her telling her to get over it and she may need permission of sorts to feel sorrow.  The worst part is feeling guilty for grieving for this child when it's not a big deal to anybody else.  You feel like there's something wrong with you.Phrases like "it's for the best" or "it was meant to be" probably won't make her feel any better and may make her feel worse.  Eventually you'll need to guide the conversations to a more positive focus perhaps by asking about her plans for the two daughters.  Just follow her lead on this one.  It sounds like you're being a good friend already.
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    There are only 2 ways triplets would happen.  Either 1 egg split 3 ways (more common, I think) or 2 eggs were impregnated and one split into 2.  Are the girls identical or fraternal?  If they're identical, I would be willing to guess that the 3rd was a girl too.
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    Crap dani.  I wish I had read that first.  I posted it on parenting, wasnt sure where to put it. She did get therapy at the time and I think after giving birth but not sure about the after birth part.  I havent sensed that its been a constant issue, I think birthdays are hard.  But I will gently pry and see if i can recommend it again.
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    In spite of the fact that she knew the odds of carrying three, her grief is natural.  Much like the grief of a miscarriage, I think.  Just listen to her and be supportive.A man I worked with and his wife did IVF and chose not to reduce.  There were identical twins and a single. One of the twins died at 25 weeks and they tried to wait for the max time, I believe another 2 weeks but didn't make it.The other twin died shortly after birth and the single has CP and has other physical as well as intellectual problems.Which is worse?  I really would not want to have to make that decision.
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    I agree with 3+2 in that sometimes it's hard b/c you don't feel permission to grieve for an unborn child. Allowing your friend to acknowledge this loss and grieve it helps a lot. She made the best choice she could. I hope that she can forgive herself. Not to get all Catholic and stuff...but a v. good priest I know told a woman who had had an abortion that she now had a child in heaven praying for her, because all children want to be with their parents. It's a comforting thought.
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    I think all you can do is listen. Offer a warm hand, a glass of wine and someone she can chat with openly. I agree it would probably beneficial for her to look into some kind of counseling or support group.Perhaps do a little research on her behalf and send her the links with the counselor/group contact information? Really, you know her best. Just do what you feel is right even if that means not saying a thing.
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    wow airhead much?
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    She definitely needs some counseling.  My sister lost a baby late-term and counseling literally saved her life.  This is a really impossible thing to deal with on your own.  Poor thing, I feel terrible for her :(
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    I think that just listening to her grieve is the best thing you can do as her friend. The next time you see her, ask her how she's doing, but don't ask directly about the reduction. If she wants to share more, she will. She may even feel bad now for "over sharing" or as if she burdened you with the info. Just continue to be there to listen.
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    Thanks ladies you have been really helpful! :)
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    I take back what I said earlier.  If she was on some sort of fertility treatment the babies could have all been from seperate eggs.  NVM me.
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    Yeah, "it's for the best", or "God has a plan" or "just be glad for the ones you have" are absolutely the worst things you can say!  Be there for her, and she probably could use some grief counseling if she's still talking about it 2 years later.  Maybe she kept it to herself for so long that it's all coming out now.  If you've ever sought counseling, maybe share your experience with her and tell her how helpful it was.
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    What a horrible choice to be expected to make. Your poor friend having to live with the reminders of this. I would listen and suggest therapy if it comes up again. Maybe focus on how great the two are but that might be worse. Sympathy and prayers but there is no easy answer I know of here.
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