HELP!

babycakes1402

I apoligize for the length (and spelling) in advance. My brother & his wife are going through a NASTY divorce, she was supposed to be one of our bridesmaids but her behavior tward him is totally inaproppriate (I'll spare you the ugly details).  She is wonderful tward everyone else but to him, she's absolutely horrible and we're not convinced that she won't create a scene at some point through the wedding process (i.e. rehearsal to the dance & anywhere in-between).We haven't told her yet because we're concerned that she'll take it out on him or their 2 boys who are also in the wedding (he's one of our ushers & the boys are our ring bearer & jr. groomsman).  We're debating waiting to tell'er until after their divorce is final but we don't know how long that will take & we don't want to wait too long nor find out she's already bought her shoes & dress then have to say 'oh, btw...'.  The other thing is 'how do we tell'er' because we want to be as civil as possible becacuse after it's all said & done, she's still my son's godmother and the mother of my nephews.  We honestly don't know why she would still want to knowing how uncomfortable it would be and we have given her several chances to back out on her own making sure she knew we would understand but she hasn't yet.I did consider suggesting that it would be a good chance for her & her girlfriends to have a 'girl's weekend' somewhere but regardless it's still going to be hard.HELP, any suggestions on how to telll'er?

babycakes1402

Hmmm, where do I start...  Primarily it's the vulgar profanity (that would make a sailor blush) both over the phone or in person & usually with the kids (ages 11 & 6) right there having to hear the whole thing....  She physically attacted his secretary convicned that they were having an affair (they weren't btw)...  She was never happy with what they 'did' have, she was always complaining about what she 'didn't' (have)...  Running him down to his family & friends...  Checking every website he was on on the computer, his phone calls, his truck to the point that he would lock his truck then sleep with his cell phone & truck keys in his pockets...  There's much more but this is the majority of it, just continuously repeated over the past 16 years.

babycakes1402

The wedding is June of 2010 & as far as we know, she hasn't purchased her dress/shoes yet (due to the pending divorce, she currently can't afford it).

ffmaid

Ok this is one of the examples on why you should not ask too soon. How long ago did you ask that tehy are far into the nasty of a divorce yet you asked before that happened. I would not tell her she is out as that could result in your nephews not attending your wedding. I would simply say " I know that a family event with your soon to be exhusband is going to be alkward for you and I would not want to attend in yoru shoes. If you would like to not attend and thus not be a bm I will totally understand but it is up to you" Anythig else leave between her and brother

bbyckes

Question: if she's "absolutely wonderful; toward everyone else" - why are you so convinced she'll make a scene?Can you explain to her that you want her there as a guest, but under the circumstances not as a bridesmaid?How old is this woman?  I think she should be able to understand.

ecsmiles

Honestly if it were me, I wouldn't want to still be in the wedding.  Even if she gets upset, and starts directing her sailor mouth towards you, its better now then it happening AT the wedding and causing a scene.  But I also agree with a previous post that she may try to pull her kids out of the wedding party.  But I'm sure your brother would have a say in that one too.

winowedding

Good lord. You need to just level with her. What kinds of hints are you giving her? I can only think of a couple reasons she would still want to be involved with your wedding, after all of that, and none of them are good.

bbyckes

Why would you even ask her if she was acting like that to begin with.  Just tell her she's out and suck it up. What's really going to suck is if they don't divorce at all. People are wishy-washy in their relationships.  They could reconcile.

babycakes1402

Individually, if they're not at the same place at the same time, she is but when they're 'together'... she can't seem to keep her emotions in check & we've seen her 'blow ups' too many times within the past year & a half & each one is just a little bit worse.At the time we asked'er they were going through a rough patch but were 'working on it' & he wasn't talking so all we knew was what 'she' was telling us.  Obviously it didn't work & her behavior became worse & more obvious of just why it wasn't working.  It wasn't untill her 'bad behavior escelated that he started talking to 'set the record strait' that we got to hear 'just how bad' it really was.  I believe he's already talked to his lawyer to make sure he has the boys the weekend of the wedding & if not he can make arrangements so that it won't be a problem & they'll still get to be in it.

angiebear11

Why would you even ask her if she was acting like that to begin with. THIS. If her behavior was a result of the divorce I could understand, but you said she's been acting like this for 16+ years. Did you really expect her to act differently on your wedding day?

georgia_bride09

telll'erasked'erDoes your keyboard lack an "h" key? You can't type "her"?

wadingmoose

You have a lot of superfluous 's - be it in an attempt to put quotes around something or as a replacement for " h."  Either way, it's distracting.I think you need to just talk to this woman and say "I'm sorry, while I would love to have you there, I just don't think it's appropriate.  Nor will my brother be comfortable."

lpstl

I want to know why 'she' is in quotes. That's why they're really getting a divorce isn't it?

babycakes1402

I will be fair in saying that she was wonderful in helping with Mom (Mom had MS for over 20yrs, she passed in 2003).  Kim was her primary home health aide and she has done alot with/for both myself and my son but the question my fh brought up is "That's all fine & good, give credit where it's due but, how long do you (our family) have to be in her debt?" I talked to'er twice & told'er that "we'd understand if you opt not to & in all honesty, if it were me, I'd opt out & not even go at all because just being there (even only as a guest) it would be incredibly akward for everyone there."

winowedding

What wading said. It does not sound like you are interested in maintaining a relationship with this person, so you need to just level with her. If your brother is already working on custody and is specifically requesting that his boys are with him for that weekend, then you no longer have to worry about her participation or her interference in theirs.

SarahSmile23

just fyi,  people will quit responding if you keep saying "talked to'er" and "told'er" after they point out that it annoys them. just a helpful tip!

bbyckes

I talked to'er twice & told'erBaby, I'm sure you're a very nice person, but whenever I see you leave out the 'h' in her, all I can here is banjo music.Hope this gets resolved amicably.  You have all the advice you need.

winowedding

Do you still want her in your wedding party? Do you feel obligated to ask her to step down for your brother's sake? Did you feel obligated to ask her to be a bridesmaid becuase of all she did for your mom? You don't "owe" her a spot in your wedding. Either she was paid for her services when she was helping out your family, or she was doing it out of the goodness of her own heart. Either way, helping out sick relatives =/= bridesmaid.

babycakes1402

I guess it is going to be painful regardless of how/when we talk to her and like I already predicted, it's going to have to be like pulling off a bandage... quick and fast. Thank you everyone, just wanted to get another perspective on it but we know what has to be done, time to get it done. We do want to be as civil as possible because they will be going for joint custody and she is still the godmother of my son...  yeah, one of those deals. Can we say sticky?   Thank you again, I appreciate the input & other than this issue, everything else is running smoothly.

georgia_bride09

You're 40. Why do you type like you're 16?

ndzenowski

Oh no, all I see when I look at this post anymore is those words'er. =(

bbyckes

sorry, hear.

eastunder1

I don't see why she WOULD still be in the wedding.  They are divorcing.  Your brother and your parents will be there.  It would obviously be awkward and uncomfortable.  Unless you and this girl are very, very close friends completely separate from her relationship to your brother, I don't see why she would even want to.  Yeah you can't fire a bridesmaid blah blah blah... but there's also common sense.  I would just level with her and tell her given the change in the family dynamics, you feel it would be best if she was no longer in the wedding.  She should know this without being told.  

babycakes1402

georgia_bride09, Your kitten is adorible, how old is he/she?  Only asking because we have a 16month kitten with very simular markings.

wadingmoose

Ummm.Oh.

georgia_bride09

Um. That's not my kitten. That's from a website.

lpstl

georgia, are you saying that's not your baby pig either? I feel scammed .

georgia_bride09

Well, it's not like anybody's else pictures are real either. We're all middle-aged men, right? That's what I was led to believe.

goheels05

hahahahahahah

wadingmoose

I want the pig.  But only if it stays that size forever.