Is this appropriate?

AlannaF

Hi Ladies, I am a lurker and appreciate your candid responses. I would love your opinions on this situation:I received a wedding invite from a couple with whom my fiance and I have been friends with for years. My wedding invite was addressed to me "and guest".  My FI received a separate invitation which also stated "and guest".  Also, my FI is in the wedding, and was invited to the rehearsal dinner.  However, I was not invited to the dinner.  Add to this situation the fact that we will have to travel out of town (and stay for two nights) for this wedding.Am I incorrect in thinking that the term "and guest" is not appropriate in this instance?  And am I incorrect in thinking that significant others are supposed to be invited to the rehearsal dinner, especially when it is out of town? Or is there not a standard rule for this?  Since I will be addressing my own invites eventually, I'd like to know what the protocol is.  Plus I'm a little put off, but don't know if I should be. 

kinsey0628

do you guys live together?  it does seem like you should have been invited together as a couple, especially if you are engaged.  it also seems like you should be invited to the RD, but i'm not sure about that etiquette, tho i feel like i have experienced in the past, no dates at RD.. doesn't seem right tho, but not sure.

winowedding

That's strange. Do they think that you will each bring separate dates?

redheadfsu

They messed up... you are right. 1. They should know your name. Not send two separate invites with "and guest". That's strange. 2. You should be invited to the RD, but maybe they are on a very tight budget? 

bbyckes

Who sent out the invites?  If it was someone other than the couple it could be that they neglected to realize you were a social unit.But, I'd be peeved and no it isn't appropriate.  I can only give an educated guess re: rehearsal dinner, but I assume they should open the RD to those in the wedding and OOT guests.

sarah0725

Haha, your friends aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer.If you and your FI were both sent separate invitations "and guest", then technically you could each bring someone, although that's probably not what they intended, and probably not what you will do. If FI's invitation was "and guest" and he was invited to the rehearsal dinner, then he can bring you! If his friends somehow say that he can't bring you, then yes, that is crappy etiquette of them, and your FI would be totally within his rights to decline the invitation to the RD (and if I were in his place and my FI weren't invited, I would decline).

kinsey0628

they might have just not known what the proper etiquette is to invite a couple who isn't married, especially if you don't live together.  what is the proper etiquette for that?so yeah, maybe you ARE invited to the RD as his guest, but just didn't get your own invite bc you aren't in the WP, and he is, so it's assumed you will be his date for that, and as for the two seperate invite, maybe they didnt know better

AlannaF

We don't live together, so I understand the need for the two invites, but I still thought that we should receive two separate invitations with only our names on them.  I don't want to be a stickler (although I guess I am..), but as the invitations are worded, it appears that he and I can take separate dates to the event! And yes, they are the ones who issued the invitations.I didn't want to assume that I could attend the rehearsal dinner, even though his invite stated "and guest", because I thought that it only referred to the wedding itself.  FI wanted to call them for clarification, but I don't want to put them on the spot. I'd rather just stay in the hotel room that night and make friends with the mini bar than inadvertently cause drama.

tidetravel

Many people simply don't know wedding invite etiquette.  I wouldn't be put off - you did get an invite with your name on it.  If there is confusion about the RD, FI is within his right to call.  He can simply say that he was a little confused by the invite and wanted to know if his FI was invited to the RD.  They can say yes or no, at which time, he can decide whether or not to attend.

kinsey0628

yeah giving both of you "and guest" was just a mistake on thier part, i wouldn't be offended by that.it doesn't seem worth hanging out at a mini bar all night just in order to avoid asking.  if you dont want to ask them directly, can your FI talk to someone else in the wedding party, and see what thier invite said, or whether they know if dates are invited to the RD?otherwise, i think tide is right that your FI can just call them and ask for clarification re: the RD and that's not necesarily drama-causing.

sarah0725

Just ask them. You're not putting them on the spot, because they're the ones who made a mess out of the invitations. And you really should be at the RD. Leaving you in a strange hotel by yourself and asking your FI to go out to dinner with them is just rude on their parts, if that is indeed what they intended.

Sydney.O.Rutledge

There is absoultely nothing to be upset about re: guest option. Unless you live in different states, I'm sure it was oversight. They probably just tacked "and guest" on every single guest listed. If you do live in different states, perhaps they were being extremely gracious and giving you the option of a traveling companion. I had Emily Post Wedding Etiquette out last night to look at who comes to the rehearsal and it said no dates, but spouses were invited. I think an OOT FI should be invited, but I think FI is better off politely declining rather than asking that you be invited. Many couples invite all OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner, but it is not required.

sarah0725

I just looked at my two etiquette books to clarify. Emily Post says that all spouses, fiances, fiancees, etc. should be invited, but not casual dates if the wedding party member is unattached. My other book says that SOs are not invited if they are local, but are invited if they are from out of town. Either way, that includes you.

AlannaF

Yeah, that makes sense.  I'll just ask FI to give them a call.  I guess I was afraid to rock the boat or put them in an awkward position.  You're right - no need for me to feel put out if they just didn't know any better. 

danieliza1127

Even if you don't live together, your names should have been on the same invitation sent to one of your homes.  They messed up.