Purely hypothetical. Purely.

buttaflai

So let's say you both have really good jobs with good benefits, great salaries, etc. One of you has been noticed for new positions outside of your state. You own your home and the best financial option seems to be: take the offer and live separately for awhile until the house sells/the other spouse gets a new job in the area. Things to consider:1) Both of your families live in the current state.2) You don't know anyone in this new location. 3) You have a huge... HUGE network of friends where you currently are. 4) You don't know how long you might live separately. The job of the spouse in the current state has promise for promotion in yet ANOTHER city. Would you do this?p.s. I am in and out today, so I might not be able to answer right away.

Sooles

maybe i read that wrong, but i dont see any benefits of either of us moving. if we have good jobs, great house etc why do we want a job in another state?

Nebb

IF the new job paid a significant amount more than the current job, and it was in a good area, yes. Im biased though, because I dont live near most of my friends due to frequent moving in the past so it wouldnt be a stretch for me to do it again or live away from my family. I also feel that a few months apart from your spouse is nothing, considering youll spend your life (hopefully) together.

temerityjane

I would do it and live separately.You are, in theory, going to be married for your entire lives.One, that is a very long time to be together and spending some time apart now is a drop in the bucket.Two, anything you can do to set yourself up well to be happy and comfortable for all of those years is a good thing.Three, take these opportunities while you are young, childless and relatively early in your careers, because it will not be so easy to up and move around a lot as you get older.Four, again, while you are young is the best time to take every chance and every opportunity in terms of career. The farther you push now, the easier it will be to rest and enjoy life later.

danieliza1127

I don't know, that sounds tricky.  Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you are the one being noticed for position outside of your current state.  Are the positions SO great that it's worth moving away from all of your family and friends and even your husband for a while?  What if he does get a promotion to another state?  How would you guys choose whether he takes it or whether he declines it and comes to be where you are?I think for myself and my H, if one of us got a job offer in another state away from family and friends, it would have to be SO great that it couldn't be turned down.  If it was just so great that it couldn't be turned down, we would probably do our best to make it so we could go together and not have to live separately.  Put the house on the market immediately or try to rent it out, him start looking for jobs in the area immediately, etc.  Another consideration, are there jobs in his field available in the new state? 

danieliza1127

Three, take these opportunities while you are young, childless and relatively early in your careers, because it will not be so easy to up and move around a lot as you get older.Four, again, while you are young is the best time to take every chance and every opportunity in terms of career. The farther you push now, the easier it will be to rest and enjoy life later.100% agree with this.

futuremrsdawes

honestly no. But that is just me, I'm a homebody I love where I live. Also, if your families and friends are where you are currently and both people already have good jobs with all the fixings - I wouldn't mess with that just for one to take a potentially better job. Also the housing market kinda blows right now, it can take a LONG time for a house to sell - we were going to put FI's late fathers house on the market in San Jose, CA (which is a beautiful home, in a wonderful neighborhood, in very good condition) and we were told it might be 6mths before we see a sell go through on it- not to mention most realtors tell you not to put a house on the market in fall/winter . I'm not saying thats the way it is everywhere but you (hypothetically of course) would have to think about possibly living away from your spouse for that period of time - which imo would suck...a lot. FI and I have never spent a night apart since we moved in together, so I can't imagine being away from him for that long Good luck in your purely hypothetical situation :P

mandapanda78

If the offer was such that either spouse would have the ability to visit the other every weekend, then yes I'd do it. I already pretty much only see FI on weekends and this will continue after the wedding. It's not that bad. It's extra special nice when he's home for an entire week but it's very rare. But it's equally rare that he doesn't come home Friday night through Monday morning, and those weeks suuuuuuuuck.

louisvillebride21

Absolutley not for 2 reasons. 1 our entire relationship has been LDR. We've had enough time apart to last a lifetime. 2. His parents tried this. Dad moved, mom said she would sell the house and let FI finish out the school year a d sell the house. Well she decided that she liked having total control over FI. Oh and she also decided she liked being a wh0re and having another man in her bed. Of course that's a worst case scenario but we're. It taking any chances. We've decided that the only extended absences will only be if we have to go take care of one of our parents or something. But...it does sound like a good opprotunity so I would be tempted to move withhim and find a job when we get there. I could commute to try to sell the house.

[Deleted User]

I am very close to my family and it would be difficult to make the move unless there were some serious benefits to moving. From your post, I'm not sure that I see a huge upside to moving.

Sooles

i want to add something: while being away from fi for a few months would be insignificant compared to an entire lifetime, that would do me absolutely no good or comfort when i miss him "now".we used to live a few cities apart and while i still saw him almost every weekend, the weekdays when i missed him felt like agony.

buttaflai

Welp, it's me with potential offers. 5) It is minimally 15K more with relo in a different industry that is doing very, very well. Read: more stability.  6) Current position is blah. Since the industry is slowly tanking, new projects are not coming so I've been stuck doing crap work. I've discussed this with my boss who has buy in with the director and VP to get me out of the situation because they don't want to lose me... but I feel like "too little too late". 7) Mid/late 20s, no children8) His career is in sales so he could literally do it anywhere. Many of you have read our minds on all these talking points. Not sure what we'd do if HE gets his promo. We've got a good thing going, but we're career driven. Both grew up financially unstable, so it's been a blessing that we can set up a better foundation for our children.

SwedishChick2011

This sounds too confusing.  I'd probably just stay in my current state, especially if you already have a good job.  JMO.

buttaflai

Up until the engagement, we lived 40 min apart so it was only weekends. It was biggie, but now it's like we JUST got married. Do we want to go back to that with an even greater distance?

vallyhoo

I had a feeling this wasn't purely hypothetical :)We'd probably do it, in fact, we were recently LDR while he was pursuing career advancement so we're comfortable with making sacrifices that will pay off in the long-run.

[Deleted User]

Congrats on the offer. That is very exciting and says a lot about you that you're in demand even in these tough economic times. This is the best time in your life to do something like this since you are young and without children.I would most likely take the chance and do it, however my closeness with my family would weigh heavily on my decision.

danieliza1127

I think the only way you should do it is if he is 100% committed to getting the house sold and moving to where you are.  If you go it alone and move to this new city without him knowing that if he gets a promotion in yet another city, he's going to want to take it, you're both just setting yourself up for trouble.  You will have to move again to be with him and quit the new job that you just got, and what's the point in going at all if that's going to happen?  In my opinion, the only way you could do it is if he is okay with letting the promotion possibility go and look for work instead in the city you're moving to.Also, is more stability really worth it if the place you're stable in is so far from ALL of your friends and family?When my H and I were in our early 20s, not married or even engaged then, we picked up and moved from IN to FL.  He had a job but I didn't.  It only took me about a month to get one though.  We lived there for 6 years and really built ourselves great careers, and had a fun time in Florida as well.  When we were established, I had my masters, and we both had gone far in our careers, we moved back home to Indiana and have settled here.  So I guess my point is, you could always move now while you're young and "free" to build up your careers, and you can always move back home again once you guys make the advances you want to make.

kikibaby

I would do it.  15k is huge.  I suppose it also depends how long you think it will take... in this economy it might not be crazy to think the house would take a year or so to sell.  That's a long time to be apart.Is the new place somewhere you really want to live?  Would you miss the support of family/friends?  The FI and I have talked about moving, but this has been the main reason we haven't- we figure when we get ready to have kids in a couple of years, it would be hugely beneficial to have family nearby.

BecW2be

What's the new state like? Is it an area you feel you'd like to live? If so, then go for it. FI and I will be 73 miles apart until next June, but we're getting married in October. We'll be weekend spouses for sure, but that's nothing in return for having that man forever. It passes so quickly. I can't believe we've already been together for 2 years. It truly does fly by.

danieliza1127

Also, keep in mind that you would be paying the mortgage on your house and rent for an apartment for you to live in the new city.  Not to mention electricity, water, furniture, groceries, etc.  Would the $15k still be worth it if you're spending that just on the double living expenses?

georgia_bride09

No. If we both already have good jobs, I see no need to rock the boat. I'm not really big on change anyway.  

lyndausvi

I'm all about taken chances. Both DH and I have move around a lot (before meeting).  We both had great experiences.  For DH it gave him the experience needed to be sucessful in his career.As far as family and friends, I think some people use them too much as a crutch for not taking chances. That is okay, I get wanting to be close to mom and dad.  But we are both still close to our families even though we do not see them once a week.I have also moved so much as a kid I do not equate moving as something permenant.  The fact is  you can always move back if it does not work out.

danieliza1127

You were only 40 minutes apart but only saw each other on weekends?  What's up with that?  You could see each other every night if you're only 40 minutes apart, unless you had to work late or something.

buttaflai

Ahhh! Thank you for all the yays and nays. I like getting different perspectives. The expense thing has been calculated. Our mortgage is small. Real small. With a relo and the 15K, we'd be more than comfortable. Rent in the new locale is less than where we live.We live in a prime neighborhood - no foreclosures, very good school district. Home value has not dropped in our specific area. We're not worried about the expense. More concerned about location and the people involved.Dani - I didn't ask him if he was willing to skip out on a promo. Yeah, 40 min but like I said - we're career driven. I was working on my masters and he'd work late at home. You'd THINK we'd see each other more than just the weekends. Plus driving a 40 min distance in Michigan during the extended winters is actually like driving 1.5-2 hours.

dianenjnj

no.life is more than money and position.your marriage is important and needs to be nourished.some people can do this successfully....most can't

buttaflai

life is more than money and position.I know.

virgo6256

I agree with you and your FI talking about it. See what you are and aren't willing to do right now to get to the lives that you want to live together. You have to reach a compromise and as well some sacrifices. I am at the moment having to deal with my home life (kid, work, school, planning wedding). While my fiance is on the road (truck driver) for 3 weeks at a time. We figured in the long run it would be more cost effective moneywise and emotional wise (because you know that if you don't have enough of the green you will be struggling emotionally). We knew that he could be a way for a longer period of time RIGHT NOW so that in the end.... or down the road he could stop being gone so long and we could continue our life together... spending more time together. Absense makes the heart grow fonder and all of that. If you talk every day and every night. That is still quality time. You just have to make sure to do the communicating that you would normally do as if you were face to face. You could also invest in webcam's with speakers so you could actually talk online without having to pay for long distance calls, but I'm sure you have a cell phone so that wouldn't be an issue really.   

cdeshane

H and I live on opposite sides of the state. Ours was not an option though. If it was an option I would not do it. The first couple weeks suck, then it gets a little better. We are at the 6 month mark right now and it is really starting to wear on me(and him). His job was moving so it was either loose his job or move with it. The good thing for us is that he works four 10 hour shifts and is able to come home most weekends for 3 days. Some weekends he comes home for 1 day and drives back. It does make it easier for my classes though. Because I never want to go to class when he is home.  

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I would do it, but I'm not the best person to ask since for most of my adult life I've lived FAR away from my family. My fiance and I have both started over in a new state (he's done it several times, and once worked in another country for a year). We are totally open to the idea of relocating and know we'll probably end up moving to several new states during our lifetimes. (In fact, if we have to move out of state for my grad schooling next year, I'm thinking it might be best for him to stay for a few months, until he lands a new job wherever I am.) In fact, living away from my family and being forced to make new friends in an unfamiliar city (and this when I was single!) has made me a better person, I think.However, I wouldn't disrupt my life that much unless it came with a really great increase in salary. And if children were involved I'd consider their lives as well.

jilybeans4

It sounds like you have a nice and happy life where you are. Personally, I wouldn't take it. 15k sounds like a lot more than it actually is...unless you don't anticipate ANY new monthly expenses coming up. Its fun to live new places and try new things, and its also great to advance your career. I guess it really depends on what is more important to you. Personally, I'm not that career driven, and not only that - I went to college in two different states than where I grew up, and I just moved last year to a fourth state to take a job. I would LOVE to live in the same state as my family and have a huge network of friends...but due to moving around and taking the only job I was offered right out of school last year... that didn't work out. So from where I'm sitting, you are very lucky to have these people in your life close by, and I don't think any job or 15k is worth it to me to give that up. I'm dying to get some experience so that I can move back closer to my family in a few years though so I'm maybe biased.