Controling FMIL HELP!

Mrsanderson62120140

My fiance and I have been engaged since April... We've had 8 different wedding dates 6 different locations and My FMIL isn't having any of it. Mind you my fiance is stationed overseas and she's been married twice now... this is supposed to be our day. I'm working on his midtour schedule, not her work schedule. I don't want a summer wedding or a wedding over the holidays because of my budget, and that's what she's pushing for. She is also not paying for any of the wedding or rehearsal dinner. I want a small private wedding (50 tops ) and she's got a list of her own (pushing 200 not including my family) How do I handle a manipulative controlling FMIL without offending my Fiance?

NicoleSahara

Just say NO.

meganbear

Punch her in the uterus.

kikibaby

That's crazy.  If you are paying for it yourselves, just set your date, do what you want to do and she'll either show up or she won't.  She definitely can't set your guest list if she's not paying for anything.

gkb0910

Are you and your FI both in agreement with your visions for the wedding or are they just your visions?  If you are in agreement, then he (or if not possible since he's deployed, you) need to explain to her that due to your FI's midtour schedule and your budget, you have planned a wedding on x date and y location.  If you and your FI are not on the same page, you need to speak with him first.  It's not just your wedding, it's both of yours.

mjlkhk

Best advice....smile and nodd and let FI take care of it. :-)

nda_roxybabe

Tell her NO. The dates aren't working because of her job? She can't take a day off for her sons wedding?

BecW2be

Set the date, decide the venue, and send her an invitation about 8 weeks out.

salt78

[img]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MnAGyXPUYGg/SrjBOV9IPdI/AAAAAAAAAWY/vrUOR0RzRjU/s400/375442-gas_can.med_large.jpg[/img] + [img]http://www.usefilm.com/images/9/2/1/921/235984-medium.jpg[/img]

meganbear

Ok, in all seriousness, just do it your way. If she insists on sending a list of people you can have your FI cut it down to people HE would like to have there.

georgia_bride09

Tell your FMIL that you understand her concerns, but due to your budget, you are having 50 guests and she is allowed to invited X number. As for dates, venues, etc: YOU pick them and tell her. She will plan accordingly.

bbyckes

Make some concrete plans.  Set a date and venue you and FI are happy with.  Then go from there.  Your FI should definitely have your back.

ggmae

I agree with Nicole. Just say no. What does your FI want? Does he want something small or something larger like FMIL does? If he is with you on this one, he should be dealing with FMIL, not you. I know he is overseas though - Does he have access to email and/or phones? I had to plan a wedding while DH was in the Army and in Iraq for a year. I also planned my wedding around my brother's Army schedule. It was tough, but you can't please anyone.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

It's much more important that your fiance be there than his mother, so work around his schedule. :-)I'd say to set the date, tell her, and if she whines, say that you can't change it anymore. That's what works for you and your budget. If she gives you a guest list, rip it up. Tell her it's family only. Hopefully she's not one of those who xeroxes STDs and sends them to people on "her" list. If she is, don't send her one.

vicmo5

How do I handle a manipulative controlling FMIL without offending my Fiance?Your fi should support your decisions even if they upset his mother (has long as you're not being a total biiitch or something).  This concerns me.  Does he generally take her side? Because that's going to make the marriage difficult.  Other than that my advice is-go ahead with planning and don't bring it up to you fmil and change the subject when she does.

lpstl

Please tell me you haven't changed dates and venues that many times due to FMIL. If you have, you need to stop. You are enabling her behavior. Normally I would tell you to have your fi deal with it, but since he's deployed that might be tricky. So:Step 1. Talk to your fi, make sure you are on the same page with herStep 2: Stop involving her unless it is absolutely necessaryStep 3: Inform her of decisions, don't ask for her opinionStep 4. Stand your ground and site the budget and your fi's schedule when she throws a fit

vicmo5

*also, does your fi want a larger wedding?

Mrsanderson62120140

My FI his happier with 70-100. 70-80 I can handle so we're at 74 right now. The FMIL is making this about her and her travel expenses and not about her son. To be perfectly honest with you I'm not sure that she would take the time off of work. Our guest list we're both happy with. We're both happy with our current date, we're just not sure to hold it East coast, west coast, or near his new duty station, UTAH...

nda_roxybabe

Keep it as is then. Don't charge your date again or your guest list. finalize the location and send her an invite. If she isn't willing to take time off for her own sons wedding that why is she dictating how things should be done?

gkb0910

If you're both happy with your decisions then stick with them.  Like lpstl said, otherwise you're enabling your FMIL's erractic and irrational behavior.  Choose your venue based on your current guest list and date and go from there.  Don't talk wedding with her.  Send her an invite.  If she chooses not to come, it will certainly be her loss.  I hope it doesn't come to that, though, for your FI's sake.

tidetravel

Stop talking to her about the wedding. Period. Decide on a date. Decide on a venue. When you work on guest lists, tell her she's allowed to invite X number of guests. Send her an invitation along with the rest of the guests when the time comes.

nda_roxybabe

That should say "then why is she.."

ggmae

MIL was pretty pushy during the planning process. We threw the idea of a few dates around and when we had settled on one, she said that we couldn't get married then because SIL was supposedly going to be studying abroad. So, we chose another date and SIL didn't study abroad after all. Go figure. The date that we finally settled on worked for most people, but DH's cousin chose to go to her senior prom instead of our wedding. Like I said, you can't please everyone.

mjlkhk

#1 Rule that FI still reminds me of, even after 6 months of engagement........Do what makes US happy (within reason of course).....If we all worry about 9000 other people for our wedding than it wont be any fun.So we did, we picked a date despite all the "you should do this day, or that day" and guess what....everyone said, "great, we'll make sure we are there" (everyone being family).In regards to FMIL and controlling........think of it as a preview. FMIL is very close with FI, FI is her baby and last one to marry off. So I sympathize. FMIL visits almost every other month....It is not right to place your FI in a position where you are..."your mother is a controlling wench" or something to that affect, nor is it okay for him to put you in a position to where you have to compromise your happiness. Do what I did/do when issues arise. I talk to FI, tell him how I am feeling and he works it out. Then I drop it. :-) Works for us.

ggmae

I would take a look at your guest list and pick a venue based on that. If people are from all over, then it's unlikely all 74 will make it. If it were me, I'd choose a venue nearest to the majority of guests.

lpstl

Your wedding is a year away. That's plenty of time for her to save a little extra money to travel to her sons wedding. Don't let her use that an an excuse to push you around, it sounds like she's just being manipulative to get her way.

Calypso1977

dont take any money from her, and make your wedding about youand your FI and not yoru parents or his parents.

Mrsanderson62120140

The FI and myself are both the oldest and first to get married. We both come from military back grounds with family literally all over the US 38 states to be exact... there isn't really a middle ground of location. Everyone travels no matter where it's at. Any suggestions?

nda_roxybabe

I suggest Alaska. no really, whereever you want...is there somewhere fun you've vacationed together or the town you met?

mwhitson14

I'm confused. You say your FI is stationed overseas and it's her second wedding. So I assume your FI is female. Her follow up mentions son, so now I'm confused. Not it matters, I'm just trying to get this straight in my head.

mjlkhk

Where you are the happiest. :-) This is about you and your family to celebrate your marriage. Do what makes you happy. I know it is hard...don't feel like a bridezilla just because you are having the wedding you want. There would be nothing more tragic than to plan a wedding you hated because you let someone else make all the decisions.