Give it to me straight.

SarieP

Long story short: I grew up living in my mom's house, went away to college, moved back home and now rent the house next door to my mom (from my mom).  Mr. P moved in with me and we got married.Mom and I have always had a good relationship, but ever since I've become more independent (ie. gotten married), our relationship has become strained.  Mr. P and I want to move so that we are no longer next door to my mom and no longer renting from her.  She has a tendency to want to tell us how to live all the time.We both want to move, but there is a part of me that is really freaked out about moving.  Is that a natural feeling?  Also, how can I explain our move to my mom without hurting her feelings?

salt78

If your mom is anything like mine (and she sounds a little bit like she is) there are going to be hurt feelings if you move regardless of how you say it.

pumpkinpumpkin

I was never afraid/freaked out of moving away from my parents. So no, I don't really find it that natural to have those feelings, especially because you're a married, independent woman. Tell your mom you want to move, hopefully she'll just understand. If her feelings are hurt, well, then I don't really know what to say.

mandapanda78

Completely natural. You're doing something new and uncharted territory is always daunting. Take the leap- you'll be happy you did. When you tell your mom don't make it about her. List all the non-mom related reasons you want to move, even if you have to make them up. Good luck!

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

I don't freak about moving, but that could be because I've done it like 20 times in the last 7 years (not exaggerating). I'm sure it must be a little nerve-wracking to not have someone you love and trust so close. Maybe that's why you're nervous? Or are you nervous about telling her?I would just explain to your mom that you think it's time for you to spend some time with just your H so you can have a place of your own. Even though she's been really generous to let you rent the house next door, you just want something of your own Parents want their kids to be independent eventually. It may take her a little time to realize that by you wanting to move away, she's actually done her job as a great mom and helped you have the confidence to branch out on your own. And if she needs a little reassurance, tell her that. You wouldn't want to move away if she weren't such an awesome mom to give you the strength to succeed on your own.I officially have become an after-school special.

georgia_bride09

My dad wanted me to rent a house from him after college, but I said, "No thank you, I'd rather be homeless than give you landlord control." I can't even imagine. Just tell your mom you're ready to move a little further from the nest; she should understand.

SarieP

I should add that I'm the baby of the family and even though I've been independent for quite some time, I think she would feel like her baby is finally leaving. . .

SarieP

P2, I'm glad you said that because that is exactly how Mr. P feels.  I tried to explain to him that he and I are very different, and he just didn't understand.

goheels05

It's natural to fear the unknown.Unless she's made you sign a lease, you don't need to explain it to her.  Once you've decided to move and have a general time frame and location in mind, tell her.  If she asks why, you can say any of these things:1.  location of our new home is more convenient because blank (closer to work, closer to town, etc)2.  We want to be homeowners (assuming you buy rather than rent)3.  This home better meets our needs because it has blank (2 bathrooms, single-level living, 2 stories, an extra guest room, etc)You don't have to say "because living next to you annoys me because you smother me even though I'm an adult and married."  She never has to know.

rhodesign

Being freaked out a bit--kinda understandable since you've been around her all this time. It's something that you will get over, though.How to tell her--tell her that you're an adult with a husband now, and you're moving. Don't let her guilt or hassle you into staying. Reassure her that you'll visit, etc. No need to mention her always telling you how to live your life because that most likely will hurt her feelings. (true or not)

ac_in_dc

what mandapanda said.

carrieoz_76

Yea, so you need to move.  At least across town.  The current set-up is bad for you as a grown-ass woman, and bad for your relationship. If you've been taken care of your whole life, I suppose it's natural to be freaked out about cutting the cord.  I'm freaked out about flying on airplanes, but that doesn't mean I won't go on my HM.  You just need to do it. "Hey mom, thanks for taking such good care of me my whole life.  I need to grow up and be my own person, and moving out to our own place is a part of that, so we're moving on the 1st of the month.  I can't wait to show you our new place and invite you for dinner."  Then don't explain, argue, or budge.  Just rinse, and repeat.

betrothed123

My dad wanted me to rent a house from him after college, but I said, "No thank you, I'd rather be homeless than give you landlord control." I can't even imagine. H and I tried renting a house from FIL.  Worst decision we have ever made, and we are still kicking ourselves for it although we haven't lived there in almost a year.  It really screwed us over when he decided to evict us without notice at midnight on New Years.OP, I agree with PPs.  Do your best to not make it about your mom when you talk to her.  Give her the reasons that have nothing to do with her.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

My grandparent built their house next to my grandmother's parents. They had two extra lots, too - one next door, which they wanted my aunt to use, and one down the street, which they wanted my parents to use.My aunt moved 2,000 miles away. And as the baby of the family, my dad eventually had to break it to his parents that he also didn't want to live on the same street. And they WERE upset. My parents moved 40 miles away. But most people would call their "plan" a utopian dream. Since you've lived there pretty much forever, it's totally natural to be freaked out about moving away - even though it might only be a few miles.

3plus2=5

I think most people get nervous whenever they make changes in their lives or take that next step.  This would be no different.I don't think that there's any way you could tell your mother without hurting her feelings by the sounds of it.  I would just tell it to her straight and then stick by your decision.  (Maybe leave out  the part about how she's cramping your style)  It's also not healthy for her to be so attached to you.

SarieP

Just brainstorming here, but would it sound too obvious if we said that we just wanted to be able to establish ourselves as a married couple and have a place that felt more like our own instead of him moving into my place with me?

carrieoz_76

Oh, and I've always found that a good head nod can work wonders.  Friends and family tell me what they want me to do, I politely nod my head, say "Yea, interesting..." followed by more nodding.Then I go on about my business doing whatever I wanted to do in the first place.

ac_in_dc

but would it sound too obvious if we said that we just wanted to be able to establish ourselves as a married couple and have a place that felt more like our own instead of him moving into my place with me? I think that's fine.

georgia_bride09

Saria, that's the definitely the angle I'd go with. She can't really argue with that without seeming petty or clingy.

betrothed123

we just wanted to be able to establish ourselves as a married couple and have a place that felt more like our own instead of him moving into my place with me? You know your mom best, but I know that my mom would 100% understand if this is how I explained it to her.  In fact, when I said this to her when we were searching for our own apartment after getting screwed over by FIL and moving in with her, she totally got it.

goheels05

but would it sound too obvious if we said that we just wanted to be able to establish ourselves as a married couple and have a place that felt more like our own instead of him moving into my place with me?That's a perfectly legit reason, but it's so subjective that I worry it will be easy for your mom to argue.  She can't argue with the fact that her rental only has one bathroom or that it's one story, or that it's far from your work, or whatever.  You want to say something firm that sends the message that it's not up for discussion and she can't talk you out of it.

SarieP

Fantastic.  It's funny. I'm getting so excited over the little things, I just have to get over this hump of freaked-outedness.

SarieP

Heels, I got that part covered.  This place has 2 bathrooms (wahoo!!) and more sq. ft.

ffmaid

I would not say that you are moving to get away from her but instead that you are moving because of some possitive attribute of the new area. Close to shops and nightlife , more city vibe , short commute whatever just focus on the possitive about the new place not the negatives of teh current place