Negative people (long-ish)

beatlesgirl25

So H works in a place with primarily older (40's and 50's) men who have been married for awhile. He is friends with some of them, or has a mentor/mentee relationship, and several of them were at our wedding with their spouses. Since we got married, they have all of a sudden been really negative to H about marriage in general. It seems every thing H shares about his life turns into a warning/lesson about how his life will soon be over. This "advice" has been coming from others too, like (married) relatives.Example: I made a nice steak dinner for us the other night (which is not unusual, as I always cook and H brings in leftovers for lunch the next day). H shared with the guys the next day and they were like, "it won't be long before she's not cooking for you anymore." The same goes for video games, sex, freedom, privacy, spending money... the message is always "yeah, enjoy that while it lasts, cause you're never going to get to do that again." I know that these are susceptible to change in a marriage, which is why people think it's funny to joke about them in this cliche way. But we've been married for like 2.5 weeks! Give us a break people, and let us enjoy being newlyweds. It's like a race to be the first to tell us that marriage is hard. Like we're going to have some awakening from this message, like "oh noes, marriage is hard? I've made a huge mistake." So I just feel bad for H, because most of my friends and family have been supportive, and actually ask me how I'm doing, rather than telling me how it's going to be. Has this happened to anyone else since being married or engaged? How have you or H dealt with comments like this? TIA.

ac_in_dc

If someone was negative about marriage to me, I'd assume it was a reflection on them & not me. If I can't have productive convos with someone about a specific topic, I'll talk to them about other things.

gkb0910

For some reason this seems to be popular for guys to do.  Before we were engaged and even now, guys tell FI not to do it.  Marriage is awful; don't do it.  It's stupid and FI knows that.  Unfortunately, I don't know how to stop it. Also, please make a married bio.  You look gorgeous and I want to see more.

mandysmear

One day someone at work said to me, "so now that you're married you guys are having less sex eh?"I responded, "Actually we're having way more!!" That shut them  up.

[Deleted User]

I agree.  I have a few people at work (and customers) who say the same things.  It really only makes them look bad because they are the ones portraying an unhappy life.  I try to brush it off but it is very annoying.

atobias1

Yes, you are not alone. I get this all the time too. I like to say things like "i'm sorry it's worked out that way for you, but DH and I continue to grow together as a couple instead of growing apart." And then change the subject. That works for me,

danieliza1127

That is so common it's scary.  I've seen it happen to my friends and also to me, and I've also seen posts about it from other people too.  I think people just like to share their misery.After I got married, I was in the work break room washing my bowl from lunch and my co-worker who has no social filter walked by and said something along the lines  of how I'd better get used to doing dishes now that I'm married.  I was like, what?!

BecW2be

Tell him to answer with, "Really? Well, when's the last time you did anything to deserve a steak? Maybe it's you."

beatlesgirl25

gkb, thanks! I'm working on a bio (never made a planning one), just waiting for pro pics.Yeah, it is how guys talk, I suppose... just sucks because H really wants to be able to talk about being a newlywed and being excited, but no one will be excited with him. Poor guy. Mandy, I told him to say that same thing, but he's surprisingly shy about sharing those details, even though I gave him permission to report. :)I agree that the naysayer's unhappy situation is being reflected in those comments. Still sucks.

a.phoenix

FI has people say stuff like this to him and he mentions it to me. We ignore it though. We realize it is just the other people's problem and not ours. Don't let it get to you.

BecW2be

Ditto on the married bio! You are lovely! And your FI looks a bit like Jack Black in that sig pic. It makes me love you even more!

Carameanie1824

Just do what I do -Example: Negative person: "He'll stop making you breakfast in bed soon, it'll be all about golf instead etc etc"Me: "I'm sorry your BF/DH/SO isn't doing that for you any longer, perhaps you twoshould talk about it."Then I walk away. Tell your DH to try it, might work. Works for me.

goheels05

Tell him to answer with, "Really? Well, when's the last time you did anything to deserve a steak? Maybe it's you."snort

missy68

I agree that it seems to be a male thing, or at least directed towards the males. DH heard it a lot. It made me mad. I think he just laughed and went on. Prior to our marriage, he'd never been married.  He's got a few married friends, a lot of single friends, and several divorced/separated friends. If it doesn't bother him, then try not to let it bother you (I know, easier said than done). If it bothers him, he'll let them know.

beatlesgirl25

Haha, Bec! I'll pass that along.Dani, that's so stupid for someone to say. I wonder if it's some kind of passive-aggressive reaction to having to be supportive and congratulatory in the beginning when someone says they're getting married. 

amlewis83

The social banter at the hospital I work at is just the same. The nurses (not all but a lot of them) will go on and on about how men/marriage suck and then they look at me and are like "Oh, no, I'm sorry. It won't be that way for you." It is disheartening at times, but, like PP said, I think it reflects more on them than me. The ones that I hear this most from are the ones that have been divorced or serial daters.  

beatlesgirl25

HAHAHA! Bec, you are like the eleventieth person to say H looks like Jack Black, even though he doesn't see it at all and it perplexes the bejesus out of him. I see it... to me, it's not that they look alike, but resemble each other with the strong eyebrows and animated faces. H is very funny too and acts like JB, even though he is not a fan. He needs to just admit it already.

BecW2be

I'm a huge JB fan, and I think your FI looks just like a younger version. If he acts like him too, well then *swoon*! I always fall for the funny ones. Thank God I'm not marrying a funeral director in 8 days.

danieliza1127

beatles, I was just going to say it's in the eyebrows and the expression! 

atobias1

I'd better get used to doing dishes now that I'm married. I was like, what?!Dani I think people who really mean this say it as "joke".There is a guy in my office who when he see's me says stuff all the time like "your husband let you wear shoes today huh?". He also makes comments about how he's teaching classes on how to get your wife to be submissive, "if he needs any tips"It REALLY offended me at first but now I'm like whatever. I know he's joking but I think if I said anything I would snap and wind up getting fired.

beatlesgirl25

I think your FI looks just like a younger versionThis is definitely getting repeated to H. The "younger" part makes it easier to digest. :)Dani, it's totally in the face. Sometimes I crack up just at his expressions.

ScarletGem

Yeah, when we got married one of DH's friends put a sympathy card in the card box.  I laughed when I saw it, because it's very much in line with his personality, but I think it belies his frustrations about his love life.  Dani and atobias - those kinds of misogynistic comments would really piss me off.  Ugh! 

lilgina64

My girlfriends all asked if getting married means the end of your sex life... then a ton of my male friends said the same to me. my reply? "What the hell kind of horrible sex life were you havign while you were dating that she doesn't want to sleep with you anymore? my man gets everything he wants, everyday"their reply? **jaw drop.....**then i usually giggle and change the conversation. see if that works for him.. maybe minus the giggle and insert a smirk instead haha

jennandnickgetmarried

I've gotten a similar response from a few of my coworkers, and from random people at my bachelorette party.  H and I have been really into each other since day one, and apparently people can't tolerate the fact we're happy.  To some people, you really need to suffer your way through a marriage as if you get a red badge of courage for it in the end.Like a few have said, I take those negative comments as a reflection of their own marriages.  If it wasn't a work situation, I'd probably give them my sincerest apologies that their marriage is awful and brings them no happiness.  And if they're doing it just for a laugh, then that's not really fair to their spouses, either.