stay-at-home wives

Sooles

what are your general thoughs on this?for me, the first thing that comes to mind is: LAZY. (sorry if there are SAHW's here. but im being honest.)fi has mentioned several times that within a few years when he is fully qualified (done his apprenticeship) and making good money he sees me being a stay-at-home wife. the reasoning for this is that 1) ive been working full-time for about 10 years now, even all throughout high school, 2) paid for almost everything while fi did his schooling. and 3) i have significant stress/anxiety issues and occasionally have meltdowns when i dont have enough "time off".  but im still stuck on the idea that it seems "lazy". i think the only way i would feel ok with staying home, is if i was at least working part time for my own spending money, or at home because of small children that need taking care of.i know this wont be relevant for a couple more years because i am still the breadwinner at this point. im just fishing for others' opinions.

LucyD1029

I can see myself being a stay at home mom for a few years, but definitely not a stay at home wife. I think I would be bored. There's definitely a lot that can be done around the house, like cooking and cleaning, but I don't think I could do that all day. I'd start to feel worthless.

mk1110

Honestly, while having kids that are younger, it could be very helpful. You would be able to volunteer at their school if you wanted, help them get to activities, etc, etc.BUT, if there were no kids involved, definitely agree on wanting a part time job at least. Also, if you're interested, volunteering in whatever charity you chose...

MissSarah786

I think that moms, not just wives, that are able to stay home with their under 1st grade age children are very lucky. However, I don't see the necessity for a mom stay home once her children are in 1st grade and leaving elementary school at 2:30 in the afternoon with enrichment programs going after school until 5 p.m. Now if you home school your kids, that's different. I don't see the point of a wife with no kids staying home. I think Amoro did, but I don't think she was able to work while living in Italy and if I remember correctly, she talked about being bored and wishing she could work.

notquiteblushing

I couldn't see myself staying home but that doesn't mean it is not a good idea in yours or other's circumstances.  I think if you have no debt and earn enough money where one person could comfortably stay home then there is a compelling argument to do so.  Do what works for you guys.

lauralaur

I quit my job in June of this year and it was two months before I found a new job and I did NOTHING during those two months. I would tell myself that I was going to make dinner for fi and clean and run errands, but honestly, if I did laundry it was a huge accomplishment. Staying at home is not something I would do (although I dream about it sometimes) because it doesn't fit my personality. I'm much more productive when I am working and I make much better use of my free time. My mother didn't work for two years and started flipping houses as a hobby (before the economy tanked), but for the most part she was just around. She found that she gained weight and watched entirely too much television because she, like me, is more productive when she has a job. She ended up getting a new job (nothing super high-stress or high-paying) because she wanted her own spending money and she wanted the social interaction with coworkers. She wanted to HAVE to get up and shower and make herself look presentable in the morning. So for me, it's a no-go. But I don't personally think anything of others staying home if their financial situation is secure.

Mrs.B6302007

I wouldn't mind but I'm really "domestic" so I would enjoy having the time to do everything I would love to do to the house. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Yeah. I mean what do stay-at-home-wives DO? As a regular girlfriend/fiance/wife (I assuming) I pretty much take care of myself. Which is what I've done my whole adult life. Which includes working and paying my bills. And I now cook from scratch more than I used to, and I cook for two. Sometimes I pack FI's lunch when I make mine. Now that I live with FI, he pays HIS bills, reducing my overall financial burden. Honestly, he COULD afford to pay all our bills on his salary, but I would feel lazy. I'm still paying off my car, which is a financial decision I made before I even met him, and I would feel really bad if he paid for that. It's actually way easier now to work full time, knowing FI can do cleaning, laundry, and make dinner if he needs to. Example: I haven't don dishes or made the bed in weeks.The only way I can see doing that is if 1) I was a stay-at-home MOM, obviously, because that would require a lot more work than what I'm doing now or 2) We had so much money we could burn it for fuel and I never needed to work for anything again, in which case I'd do a lot of volunteer work, or try to join a philanthropic organization. And I'd garden. And work out more.

temerityjane

If either of our salaries can provide the kind of lifestyle we want to have without the other one having to work, we will most certainly have a stay at home spouse, kids or not.At the moment, while I do work from home, most days it doesn't even come close to equaling a full 8 hours of work, so I could often be considered a stay at home soon to be spouse.People can think lazy if they want, but if we're doing okay financially, getting the bills paid, and not needing to be on welfare of any sort (not that there's anything wrong with welfare), then why shouldn't I stay home?I'm not even going to blow smoke up your @ss about how much time I spend keeping up the house. And we don't have kids. As long as it is possible, Buddy would prefer I not have to work any more than I feel like I want to work. Working from home as a writer lets me work as much or as little as I want to, and that's the way he (and, I admit it, I) likes it.

lyn_mello

Hello, My fiance and I have decided that when we (hopefully) have kids, I will stay home for as long as possible., hopefully by the time the kids are in school full time. We plan on cutting way back so I can raise our children. I will go back to work full time when the kids are in school. If you decided to have kids, and stay at home, you will have plenty to do! Once the kids are in school, you will still have a lot to do, being a Mom is a full time job! It is not being lazy to decide to stay home and take care of your family. All women have a choice, and you just have to decide what is right for you. You can always take on a part time job, it is up to you!

thesuninherhead

Staying at home to be a mum = would totally do this for a period of time. I couldn't stay at home with only housework to do, though. I'd want to work part-time at least. That said, I work four days a week currently, and it's Monday right now and I'm sitting on TK. It's not so bad! haha. More than one day off though and I think I'd go insane.

Sooles

TJ, i realize you are at home but i DO consider you to be working. (granted, not 8 hours, but honestly most of us dont get 8 hours of work done in a day wether we're at home or not).and i do agree that staying at home with kids is a job on its own. i fully plan on staying home for a while (a few years, until theyre in school hopefully) when i pop out a baby.

mandysmear

If we had kids I would love to stay home.  My mom worked and it was all okay, but I hated daycare.  I remember it well.  And I hated it.  I think to stay home without children to look after I would lose my mind after awhile.  I would need a part time job. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Oh, and I guess I just can't see where I'd ever be financially comfortable enough to do that. I'm a planner. I like to have everything planned. If I won the lottery and didn't have to worry about money, I'm still not the sort of person who'd sit on my a$$. I'd open a restaurant or buy real estate or something.FI and I want to retire at an early/normal age (60s) and we want kids and we want to pay for as much of their college as possible. And I want them to be able to go to whatever college they can get into. And with my luck, college will cost about $400,000 a year by the time they get there. So even if FI or I could make enough to pay our bills and be comfortable (like I said, FI already does), I'd probably work just to stash money in savings.

TiDa2009

I couldn't do it.  I wouldn't be able to pay me student loan payments, car payments, car insurance, phone bill, etc and, as an adult capable of working, I could never ask someone else to pay these things for me. Other than being unemployed (and actively looking for work), having small children at home, being a full-time student, or having an illness or injury, I don't see a reason for any adult, man or woman, to not work and pay their own way. Now, this is only my opinion.  If having a SAH spouse works for some people, than great, I just know that it would never work for me.  Besides all my reasons above, I would be very, very bored.

Brie2010

I'm hoping we'll have the means for me to be a stay at home mom someday, at least for awhile.  But I wouldn't want to be a stay-at-home wife.When FI was working, and I was unemployed, it SUCKED.  Even though he was totally great about paying for everything and telling me not to worry about money, I wouldn't get stuff I would normally buy with his money because I felt bad.  It was also just really lonely--I'd find myself talking to the cats sometimes!  I like working.  Plus, it makes me a more interesting person.

goheels05

After being unemployed for 4 months, I can honestly say that I would love to stay at home full time.  I think it's unfair to assume that all or even most SAHW don't do anything.  All the ones I know IRL are super active in the community--volunteering about as many hours a week as I work.  They get to go to all their kids games (the ones who have kids still in school), chaperone field trips, man committees at church, etc.  Most of them are married to men with very demanding careers, and it's nice for them to be able to come home at night and just enjoy time with the family rather than helping out with the chores.  It sounds Leave it to Beaver cliche, but when I was at home it was so nice that Mr. Heels and I could just enjoy our evenings and weekends together and not have to run around like mad to get the laundry, grocery shopping, and housework done just in time to start back on Monday and do it all over again.I'm with Mrs. B, I'm very domestic and would love to have the time to do all that Martha Stewart-like stuff that gets put on the back-burner because I have to work.  I don't get bored.  I create things to do.  I love sewing, quilting, arts and crafts, etc.  There's just endless amounts of stuff to occupy my time.  I'd enjoy it.

thesuninherhead

H and I are going to each take time off (at different points, obviously) to care for kids when we have them. The ideal situation would be me having time off for maternity leave/while baby is little, and then both of us working part-time on different days, but I suspect that it'll end up being me having time off and then me working while H has time off. We'll see how it goes.

redheadfsu

I'm a part time stay at home FI, until I find a full time job. Although I work 15 hours a week, look for a job, clean, cook, & play w/ dogs I still feel really lazy. So a full time stay at home wife (w/o kids) all I think of is lazy & really really bored.

september's bride

Couldn't do it. I work part time right now while I finish my graduate work, and while I'm contributing, DH still takes care of 80% of our financial responsibilities. That makes me feel bad. I couldn't imagine letting him shoulder 100% of that; not to mention that I'd feel like a big jerk for doing it.

brandyleighxx

If DH made a lot of money and was cool with it or we won the lottery, I'd definitely be a SAHW. I'd do a lot of volunteer work and traveling.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

But now that I live in reality, many SAHM or wives do a lot in the community where I live. Most of the volunteer workers in my area are SAHMs.I wouldn't consider volunteering or getting involved in lots of DIY projects not doing anything. I'd consider it excessive to be a SAHW and just do what cleaning and cooking I normally fit into my non-working hours. Because why bother when I can do all that now while working 40 hours a week? Just my opinion. Plus, like someone else said, I get lazy if I don't have a reason to get up and shower in the morning. When I've been unemployed, I didn't get nearly as much done as I thought I would.TJ - my mom lives near a military base and LOTS of spouses either stay home, work part time, or work from home. You never really know when you'll have to move, you know?

mmm_080809

I have extremely high expectations for SAHW's. First, I would expect someone who is a SAHW to be in incredibly good shape because they have no excuse not to make it to the gym. They must also always look gorgeous, because it's not like they don't have time to spend on their hair and makeup and get ready in the morning. Second, they must be amazing cooks, because they have no reason not to be able to spend hours making something delicious for dinner. Third, their home must be immaculately clean at all times. And finally, I expect them to devote a good amount of their day to volunteering or otherwise give back to their community. If someone doesn't work, isn't raising children, and doesn't fulfill all these criteria, then yes, I think they are lazy. Mostly because my mom worked full time in an extremely demanding career, raised two kids, and still managed to accomplish all of these things. Seeing my mom literally do it all is also why I tend to have higher expectations for SAHM's as well. I feel like I owe it to our children, particularly if we have daughters, to show them that they don't [i]have[/i] to stay home just because they have kids. I want them to know they can have a career and family without sacrificing one for the other. If I stayed home I would just be raising them to think they had to choose one. Also, at this point I feel like I've devoted entirely too much time and money into my education to ever not work - I would feel like a huge waste.

Sooles

honestly - i think thats kinda unfair too, even though its my opinion.i mean i know there are probably lots of productive SAHWs out there who volunteer, etc, but the ones i personally know (or have known) in my life sit at home and literally do nothing. in fact a few girls i know actually got married so theyd be able to quit working. (like wives are entitled to this?) ^ true story. unfortunately it puts the stereotype in my head and it just kinda sticks there...

harbor_girl

I would never want to be a SAHW, mostly because I could never allow myself to not use my law degree after paying good money for it. I feel I also need the intellectual stimulation that work provides.

TiDa2009

For those of you that said you could see yourself being a SAHW, would you be ok with your DH/FIs being SAHH (with no children)?  Would you be ok with paying all the bills (including their own personal expenses) even if you could afford it while they stayed home to enjoy more of their hobbies and volunteer in the community?I can honestly say that I wouldn't be ok with it.  If he was not working for one of the reasons I listed in my PP, than yes, but it would be expected that if he could work, that he would.When it comes to staying home because of children, yes, I see this as a good reason to not work.  Raising children is a full-time job, and if you can afford for one parent to stay home, than great.  We plan on me staying home for at least 6 moths, maybe a year, when we have children.  I just couldn't see either of us not working for "no reason".

blenderdance

I think DH has finally convinced me to stay home when we have kids...but I am also thinking about coordinating it with getting my PhD (not while they are infants, but while they are still young) and then maybe teach college level once my kids are in school. However, if I were just to stay home I would get bored.  I am a teacher, and I even feel guilty with that amount of time off in the summer...plus, I'm a crappy housekeeper...I teach summer school in the summer just so I am bringing in some extra money and keeping busy during July and August.

Mrs.B6302007

For those of you that said you could see yourself being a SAHW, would you be ok with your DH/FIs being SAHH (with no children)?yep.  We have a partnership and as long as we agreed on what the "terms of agreement" would be for him staying at home, it would work for me, especially if I had the job that paid more money anyway.  We make the exact same so unless one of us were to have a career change, we would never have to take into consideration which one of us *should* work for the better income.

Nebb

I think if you have a passion in life (art, photography, etc) that you could do in that time its acceptable. I think if you use your free time to volunteer and help in the community, thats also acceptable. I think staying at home and only doing house work and not much else, is not. I just dont see that as fulfilling.

kmmssg

I ALWAYS wanted to be a SAHM but it wasn't in the financial cards.  I have missed so much and while I regret it, I know there was no other choice.I honestly don't think anyone should be judging whether a SAHW/SAHM is lazy.  If they are fulfilling that traditional role and doing all the housework/cooking, etc there is nothing lazy about it.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

For those of you that said you could see yourself being a SAHW, would you be ok with your DH/FIs being SAHH (with no children)? Would you be ok with paying all the bills (including their own personal expenses) even if you could afford it while they stayed home to enjoy more of their hobbies and volunteer in the community?Again, only if we were so filthy rich (lottery, computer glitch, unknown relative of Warren Buffett..) that we could both stay home and pursue whatever we wanted. But FI has told me in the past that he doesn't know what he would want to do other than have a job. Really.Blender - I'm also planning tentatively on having kids while working on my PhD dissertation. We have friends who just had a baby because of that, and FI and his sister both have PhDs and both also agree that would be a great time to do it.