Speaking of moms

Nik1202

Every time I bring up my wedding my mom changes the subject. She hasn't offered to help in any way, except a few comments here and there. It's always ALL about HER. I guess some people are just like that and there's nothing you can do. ANYWAY...I'm not letting it get me down, So... QUESTION...How involved are your mothers? Am I missing out?

ac_in_dc

For both my weddings, my mom didn't do much. She just wanted to be there to celebrate with me. That didn't make me thing it was ALL about HER, I just figured she had other/better things to do.

[Deleted User]

She's been somewhat involved. I think she'd like to be more involved, but I found that we'd usually fight whenever we worked together to plan because we have vastly different taste.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

My mom AND FMIL would LOVE to be more involved than they are, but they both live out of state.I just saw FMIL at a wedding last weekend and she told FI and I, "Just let us know what we can do... anything... money, too, if you need it. Your dad will do it if I ask him." It sort of pisses me off that she offered money and I KNOW FI won't take her up on it.Anyway, she has 2 daughters and neither are close to getting married, so she really wants to be involved, but she's the type of person who doesn't want to butt in.My mom was visiting two weeks ago, and even though I'm a year away, I took her dress shopping with me so she could enjoy the experience. She's offered to put some money towards my dress. She also got to visit the ceremony and reception sites with us.Other than that, I'm trying to keep them in the loop - what the colors are, what the BM dresses look like, etc. FI and I have emailed people pictures of the engagement ring, etc. FSIL says FMIL and FFIL have the ring pic printed out in the kitchen.If your mom isn't interested, tell her as much or as little as you like.

laurenclaire1386

My mom is way more excited than I thought she would be.  I've always been really close to my mom, so she's involved in the planning in the respect that I tell her all my ideas and she tells me what she thinks.  I respect her opinion enormously.  She's no more involved in my wedding planning than she is in my day to day life, though.

Kati0105

My mom has been involved in pretty much every detail, but she is also footing the bill so it doesn't surprise me that she has wanted to be up to date with how the $ is being spent (and I've actually really enjoyed planning everything with her).  FSMIL definitely wants to be more involved than she has been, but we have different tastes so I haven't really included her as much as maybe I should have.  FMIL has sent us several sweet emails saying how excited she is but hasn't really tried to get involved with planning (which is fine with me).

ScarletGem

My mom was super-involved and really eager, but DH's mom was more like yours.  She was happy for us, but really didn't seem to care about the nitty gritty of the wedding.  Has your mom always been pretty hands-off, or does her attitude towards the wedding surprise you?

tidetravel

How is it about her, if she hasn't done anything or commented?

Nik1202

It surprises me. We usually talk at least once a day on the phone. Since I really started planning (about 3 weeks) we barely talk. She calls to tell me what she's up to but when I atalk about the wedding she acts like she could care less and changes the subject. I thought at first it was because I talk to FMIL every once in a while and she is sooo excited. FI is an only child and his mom and I get along great, but she lives in a different state so she's not involved except asking me how it's going and what not. I have invited my mom dress shopping 5 (yes 5) times and every time she was busy or didn't feel like it. I finally just stopped talking about it to her, it will be her loss...

wadingmoose

My mom is involved in the "complain about everything" way.  I couldn't have done this wedding in any way that would've pleased her.

Nik1202

TIDE... no the conversation she changes the subject to talk about herself. For ex. I went dress shopping last weekend and when I called her thurs. to tell her she said "I gotta start cooking for next weekend, are you coming to the Halloween party?"

tidetravel

That doesn't mean that she's trying to make it all about her. Maybe she's busy. Maybe she doesn't care. Maybe she's trying to stand back and let you plan your own wedding. Maybe she doesn't approve of the marriage. Maybe it's too much for her to think about you getting married, because it means that you have truly "grown up." There are a lot of maybes. Just remember that no one, not even your own mother, will be as excited about your wedding as you are. My mother was hardly involved, and never excited whereas my MIL was super excited. I just learned not to talk too much wedding with the people that didn't care to hear it.

LesPaul

I planned everything myself.  My Mom died when I was 9.  My ex-H's Mom attended this wedding, but lives out of state and didn't help with the planning.  Same with DH's Mom - OOT, but asked periodically about stuff like the venue and colors.  Ex-H's Stepmom couldn't attend, and was very apologetic about not being able to help.

Nik1202

Yea you're all right! I try not to tlak about it, I just thought it was odd

ggmae

My mother didn't volunteer to be involved, but if I asked her to come to an appointment with me, she did. She came with me to meet the videog and was there when I tried on dresses. DH was deployed for a good chunk of our engagement, so she knew that I needed someone to help me out a bit. But, she wasn't one of those moms who was super/over-involved in the planning process.

laurenclaire1386

Erin, if my mom sounded like she wasn't into the details, I definitely wouldn't con her into listening to them.  Like Tide pointed out, no one cares as much as the bride. It's not a crime, even for a mother.

lyndausvi

My mom was very involved.  but my parents were paying so IMO she should have been.   I'm not saying she made all the choices, far from it.  But she was involved in a way that made sure her money was being spent in a reasonable, good host kind of way.

amlewis83

I run ideas by my mom, but she has never been much for stating her opinion on anything I do or have done in life. She loves me, I'm here baby, but she just doesn't get excited over the little details in life. Well, besides her grandchildren. I do overload her with my thoughts and ideas about everything. She takes it like a champ.

[Deleted User]

My mom is involved because I live in England and she lives in the area of the wedding. We had to change the date after I was out of work for 10 months. She called all the vendors we talked to and changed the date. She has also done some leg work for me. I have to be careful though as she wants to change things.

ktjanesmom

No its not a "crime" for her not to want to be involved, but it does seem odd to me.   Maybe she feels bad because she is not making a financial contribution.

tidetravel

Trying to con your mother into listening to the details isn't going to work if she doesn't care. All it's going to do is make you more upset, because if she STILL doesn't care. If she's interested, she'll ask. Then you can talk

tidetravel

It's not odd - there are several reasons she may not want to be involved. Please read PP.

carrieoz_76

My mom lives 2 states away.  She's happy for us, but not terribly invested.  The more I read about crazy moms, the more I think that's a blessing in disguise. FI's mom is local and likes to hear about planning, so we chat.  But our wedding is pretty small, and I don't want to tell everything all the details and have nothing be a surprise, so I'm not showing her everything we're doing. My stepmom, if local and more in contact w/ us, would be crazytrouble.  But I don't see her all that often, and I usually just try to change the subject when she tries to tell us what to do (then we go on doing things how we wanted), and so far that's worked.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

My stepmom, if local and more in contact w/ us, would be crazytrouble. But I don't see her all that often, and I usually just try to change the subject when she tries to tell us what to do (then we go on doing things how we wanted), and so far that's worked.I've heard rumors (through my brother) that my dad's girlfriend has been trying to plan my wedding for over a year. Since long before I was engaged. I'm glad she lives far away and we are not close.I agree - your mom might just be trying to hold back. I'm surprised at how calm my own mother is being. Or she might be upset to be "losing" you or something similar.

tash_rn

Nik~ Yeah it does kinda sound like your mom has something going on to be so distant about it.  My mom lives far away so she's not super involved but she does ask questions about it and offer opinions here and there, which may or may not be a good thing! ;-)  Sorry your mom isn't more involved since it seems important to you.

SarahPLiz

I actually just got off the phone with my mom. SHe is being an absolute peach and I love it. SHe is not planning anything but just asks how its going and if I need help with anything. She offerred to make the FG dress and I took her up on that because she sews beautiful things. We are missing out on dress shopping together, though. However, most of her friends have married kids, so she hears their stories and is very greatful that I told her she can wear whatever she wants and not to worry about wearing the same color as the MOHs as I told them to wear whatever they want too. My older sister eloped, so our wedding is the first she is geting involved with, but she has been awesome so far. I think that if your mom doesnt want to be involved int he planning, then on't force her or bring it up anymore because that will just exacerbate her unhappiness. If that's the way she wants to act, then you aren't missing much.

Leah&Christian09

My mom was super excited when we first got involved, but after a few weeks, the excitement wore off. She stopped caring until it was time to start shopping for her dress. Not everyone cares about weddings, and not everyone gets excited about them. If your mom doesn't care about your wedding, it doesn't mean she's selfish or she doesn't love you. You're still talking to her a few times a week (more than most adults I know) and she's not doing anything wrong. There's nothing wrong with her not being interested in your wedding. Stop talking to her about it.

thesuninherhead

My mother, though she had good intent, couldn't help but make our wedding 'her' day in her mind... and I guess, to some extent I understand- I was the first child to marry and she was very excited. She had however promised herself not to push her ideas onto us (as her mother did to her), so she refrained up until the last couple of weeks, in which she called me in a panic about cake boxes, and then cried when I told her that spending $5 per box wasn't high on my priority lists, and told me that she had wanted to stay out of the planning, but that she felt she'd 'gone too far the other way' and I wasn't including her. It was a crazy lady half an hour of tears, in which she also said that she was upset because our wedding wasn't going to be 'traditional', which was so bizarre to me because the only non-traditional things that we really were planning were not having cake boxes (which we did end up having, thanks mum!), keeping the ceremony location 'secret' and having a bus take guests there, not having the garter/bouquet toss, and not having my BM's open our presents during the reception (which seemed SO odd to me, but she was also upset over this). So anyway, I apologised and did my best to include her from that point out (without compromising the aspects H and I valued), not that there was a lot left to do.If you're finding that your mother isn't that interested, things may change as you get closer- and in any case, no interest is better than over involvement, as far as I am concerned!

future-weddedbliss

This may sound ungrateful, but my Mom is too involved in the planning.  We used to be very close, but these days I feel like all she wants to talk about is the wedding.  It drives me crazy!

jamm2019

My mom wasn't involved that much.  She helped me with some things, but she didn't even come with me to try on dresses.  My MIL was a really good support system through out the whole planning.  She didn't force any opionions on me, but she was there for me to vent to and she helped out with some of the small details...