Wedding Etiquette Forum

Engagement Party - Controlling Father

I just got engaged a week ago, and have been very happy up till this point. My parents mentioned possibly having an engagement party for us, and when I called to speak with my father, he had a completely different idea for the party than me, my fiance, or my mother did. I wanted a small, intimate, mostly-family oriented party; he wants to have this hugh blowout thing with all his friends - people that for the most part have had nothing to do with my life. I had also mentioned from the very beginning that I wanted my future in-laws invited; they live in another state and would need advanced notice so that they can travel and celebrate with us. My father did not want them to come, but they have already been told about it, I am not disinviting them. My parents were planning on paying for a large chunk of the wedding, but I think I really need to put my foot down in the beginning because I think my Dad feels that since he's paying for stuff, he had control over the whole situation and that is NOT how it's going to be. I think we will either have a small engagement party hosted by us at our house or none at all. Any advice or suggestions ladies? I have a feeling it's going to be a long year and half to our wedding at this rate!

Re: Engagement Party - Controlling Father

  • You cant host your own engagement party.
  • How can your dad want a HUGE blow out but not even include your FI's family?  That's ridiculous.  Does he hear himself talk?  If he's contributing money, he can contribute ideas and demand things be a certain way.  Only way to avoid that is to put your foot down and pay for it yourself so that he has no say at all. 
  • That sucks that your dad is being so controlling. Don't host the party yourself. If you really don't want the party "his way", then just politely decline the party all together.
  • ditto Nebb. money = say say = power Pay for your own wedding. That's all.
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  • and by "pay for it yourself" I mean the ENTIRE wedding.
  • my Dad feels that since he's paying for stuff, he had control over the whole situation and that is NOT how it's going to beUnfortunately, this is what paying for stuff means. Very few folks are lucky enough to have parents that pay with no strings. Most of us either pay our own way or deal with the negotiation/capitulation involved with someone else paying.If I were you, I'd let your dad do whatever he wants on the engagement party (with the exception of your future in-laws...if he won't invite them I'd refuse the party because it's just plain rude and would make you look bad). It's just an e-party, it's really theirs to host for you, no big deal. And when it comes to the wedding, sit down and have a long talk with them. If you can't come to an agreement on how to negotiate the details, I'd plan on you & FI paying for it and having a smaller, more intimate and budget friendly celebration.
  • You shouldn't host your own engagement party; call your father back, and tell him that while you appreciate his idea, you, your FI, and your mom have a different idea and you'd appreciate it if he takes your wishes into consideration since the party is supposed to be for you and your FI. If he still doesn't relent, then maybe your in-laws will offer to host a party; otherwise, you will just have to do without.
  • You can host your own engagement party.  As far as the wedding goes, if your parents pay for most of it, then you really have no say (over the things they pay for).  You can always save up and pay for it yourselves, or just try to compromise with them.  Good luck!
  • [i]I think we will either have a small engagement party hosted by us at our house or none at all. [/i] Unless you want to go the super tacky route, I wouldn't have one at all.
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  • I think my Dad feels that since he's paying for stuff, he has control over the whole situation and that is NOT how it's going to be.If he's paying, he gets a say.
  • We didn't have an engagement party...I didn't feel like it was a big deal... How can you dad not want to invite your FIL?  
  • Kate's right. If you want control, you pay. My mother originally offered to pay for everything, and I thought that was great until I wasn't able to make any decisions. So I told her that we would pay for it. Now we are having the wedding we want.
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  • "You can host your own engagement party" No. Super tacky.
  • Engagement parties are not necessary.  I would decline dad's offer of hosting the party, and decline any future offer of money as well.  $=strings and he is obviously a person that likes to be the puppetmaster.  Don't indulge him.
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  • Woops--I just reread my reply and I forgot the 't on 'can.'I would just skip the thing completely if you can't come to an agreement.
  • The thing that nobody is mentioning is that if someone is invited to the Engagement party - that means they get an invite to the wedding.  Make sure you consider that. ALSO - even though he is contributing SOME money - that does not mean he gets to dictate the entire event.  For example, if he is offering to pay for the booze, that's great.  But, that doesn't mean he gets to say there's 300 people invited because the money for the food has to come from somewhere.Talk to your mom.  If she had the same idea as you, she needs to work this out with him - it sounds like they are still together from your post.
  • I hadn't heard that etiquette for engagement parties before -- so essentially an engagement party is the same as a shower, then?  Do you get gifts at an engagement party? Anybody else have input on this?  Now I'm curious.
  • Yep, make sure that your dad knows that everyone who gets invited to an engagement party needs to be invited to the wedding.That sucks that he's being so controlling. I know that it goes that "who pays, says," but I still think it's absurd when parents go crazy and want things that make the bride and groom unhappy. If you can't get your dad to see reason, you're going to need to pay for it yourselves. It might be hard, but you can definitely swing a beautiful wedding for a small amount of money.
  • An engagement party isn't *really* a gift giving event, Kate, but it depends on your circle. Some people have friends and relatives call them up and ask if they are registered yet so they can buy a gift for an engagement party. E-parties aren't really popular in my circle at all, though.But all pre-wedding, wedding-related parties are the same (showers, e-parties, bachelorettes) - the guests need to be invited to the wedding.
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