The List- LONG

AmandaK2010

Hi!  I am getting married August 2010, but we are working on our list because we are getting ready to order Save the Dates.  Orignally, I wanted to get married in the Bahamas (we're from North Dakota) and my family was very supportive of this.  The MOG said no because not everyone she wants to be there could make it.  I gave up my dream since I was 13 of getting married there for his family.Now, we are getting married in ND, and I wanted a small wedding, no more than 200.  The MOG is having problems with this.  I don't want it small, simply because of the numbers, but because I want to hand-pick who I want to celebrate this day with.  She wants to invite all of her family (her aunts, cousins, etc).  I have never met or even heard of these people.  My fiance has only met them a handful of times himself.My finance says I have to invite them because they are always invited to family weddings and that we will offend that whole side of the family if they aren't invited.  The MOG feels the need to remind me that they traveled in a blizzard to get to my fiance's bother's wedding.She also brought up the fact that I refuse to have a huge gift opening brunch at my parents house the day after the wedding, as is tradition in their family (but so far only girls have gotten married so it was at their relatives home, not the in-laws home).  We are already having the grooms dinner at my house, my parents shouldn't have to host their family again.I don't care!!  This is not her wedding, it is our wedding.  Am I being difficult because I don't want to invite these people or am I right in my theory of selecting who I am inviting?  HELP PLEASE!!

kikibaby

If you're paying, you can do what you want.  If you're letting her pay, then you have to bend to some of her wishes.And 200 people is not a small wedding.

crfische

Holy crap, another North Dakotan. I thought I was all alone.

tidetravel

Who's paying?  If she is contributing a significant amount, she has a significant amount of say in the guest list.  If you guys are paying, simply decide on a number that you are comfortable with, and give her a certain number of invites.  She can choose who, of her family, she wants to invite.

ac_in_dc

This is not her wedding, it is our wedding.I actually agree with you here. It sounds like she's forcing a lot of opinions on you.A couple of thoughts though:  you need to pick your battles, and the invite list may not be a good place. You & FI need to sit down and decide who you want to invite and present a "united front" to your future MIL.How many people are on her list? If it's 20 or a bit,  that seems reasonable for a 200 person wedding. Again, that's something you should decide with FI. He should be the one negotiating with his mom on this stuff, not you.Also, who is paying? Whoever paying technically gets to decide the guest list, but the payers still need to accommodate the feelings of folks like the MOB, MOG, etc.

georgia_bride09

Small wedding =/= 200 guests.If your FMIL is not contributing financially, then she has no say on the GL; tell her she can invite X number of guests and your FI needs to hold her to it.I had this exact problem, and I relented, and I resent my MIL for it now, and I wish I could do the whole thing over again my way. The MOG feels the need to remind me that they traveled in a blizzard to get to my fiance's bother's wedding.To this, I say, "Who gives a fuuck?"

arbolita

What is a "grooms dinner"?  I've never heard of this.

crfische

'Round here we call the rehearsal dinner the groom's dinner.

tidetravel

The MOG feels the need to remind me that they traveled in a blizzard to get to my fiance's bother's wedding.At which point I would feel the need to remind her that it doesn't snow in the Bahamas.

babbles270

Is your FI from North Dakota?  In my small town area, extended family gets invites and that's just how it is.  It's more rare to go to a wedding with under 200 than over.  Maybe she's just not used to this.I will say it's hard, and that's how guest lists get completely out of control (like mine).

stoutcrowley

We also had to invite extended family that we barely knew or had never met.  But we had quite of few people that we "knew" would be there, not come...  so just remember that not everyone you invite-no matter how close- may not be able to make it. I have never heard of a groom's dinner before... But H and I hosted the day after brunch at our house and only invited close family (moms, dads, brothers, sisters and WP.)  I picked up bagels and OJ and everyone was fine with that- most ate at the hotel before coming over anyway.  I think everyone had another piece of wedding cake as well:)

tidetravel

One more question - where is your FI in all of this?  What are his thoughts/feelings? I would be tempted to say that since your FMIL is not going to be happy unless she gets exactly what she wants, I would go back to the DW idea. 

cengle

"The MOG feels the need to remind me that they traveled in a blizzard to get to my fiance's bother's wedding.At which point I would feel the need to remind her that it doesn't snow in the Bahamas."Tide=Awesome

TheSaltyPeanut

1. 200 is not small 2. Who is paying? 3. Why would you post a question then ran away?

kikibaby

I think some people believe a message board to be like e-mail.  You send a message, and check out the replies when you are ready.FYI to those people- it's not.  Message boards are more like a conversation, and going away after you post is like asking someone a question and walking away from them.

freckled*bride

crfische - I'm sure you wish at this point that you were the only one. AmandaK - who is paying for your wedding? If your FMIL is contributing, she is going to have her fair share in how the day is planned. Also, if it's important to your fiance to invite said family, then why can't you accept that?

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

You said I an awful lot in tha post. Where is your fiance in all of this? This is really the only time you mention his opinion: My finance says I have to invite them because they are always invited to family weddings and that we will offend that whole side of the family if they aren't invited. And it seems like you're ignoring that. There are a couple of things: she will be your MIL for the rest of your life. It's good to get things started on the right foot. Her adding a few extra guests isn't that big of a deal in 200 guest wedding. I have never met or even heard of these people. My fiance has only met them a handful of times himself. Who cares about this? There were a bunch of people at my wedding I'd never met (from H's side) and that he sees maybe once a year. But, they would have been terribly hurt if they weren't invited. We don't tend to roll with the crowd that includes his geriatric great-aunt, but she does wish us the best and IS part of the family, even if we don't get to see her that often. Does it really hurt to throw in a few of these people and start off on the right foot with your new family?People choose what they host. If your parents don't want to host a brunch, they don't have to. If it's that important to your FMIL, then she can offer to host it. Then you can either decline or accept (but since it's tradition in their family, I would suggest accepting). Everyone else has said it too, but it matters who is paying. If your FMIL is contributing, she should get a say in some things like the guest list. AND, you set the precident for that kind of control when you gave up your DW because she wanted you to. If you and your FI wanted to get married there, you should have. But, since you listened to her, she obviously thinks she has some power over your wedding decisions.

AmandaK2010

To answer your questions: My parents are paying for the entire wedding.  Cost is not an issue, I want a small size because of the feel of the wedding. Also, in my world, 200 is a small wedding.  My sister had 350 at her wedding and my cousin is having at least that many to his (1 month before me). My FI is torn.  He has been fairly hands off letting me plan this, but I want his input.  He knows that I really want a small wedding and don't want to meet people that day.  His family is from a small town, but these relatives live very close and we still never see them.  He doesn't want to upset his parents because this wedding is a big deal to them (they are very proud of all his successes).  They seem to want to show us off to all of them. Our total list right now is at 310, with "our list" being 125 people, my parents list at 75, and MOG's being 110.We normally get along very well, but we are really butting heads over the wedding. Thanks for your help!!

AmandaK2010

Also,  I am sorry if it bothered some of you when I didn't respond right away.  I work at a University and had to go teach one of my classes. 

tidetravel

The biggest issue is that you and FI need to be on the same page.  This isn't just YOUR wedding; his wants/feelings need to be considered as well.  If he truly WANTS to have all of his relatives there, then they should be there.  If he only wants them there because he doesn't want to cause drama, then that's another story.Perhaps you need to go through and re-do the guest list.  With these family dynamics, you will have a better chance at not offending people if you don't "hand pick" your guest list.  For example, you shouldn't invite one aunt and not another simply because they may not be important to YOU personally, but are to your FI and his family.  Doing so will only cause hurt feelings and a lot of grief for you.I suggest doing the guestlist in tiers - invite everyone that you can to fill up a tier, from either side of the family.  When you get to a tier that you cannot fill, no one from that tier is invited:Tier 1 - immediate family (parents/siblings/grandparents)Tier 2 - CLOSE friendsTier 3 - extended family (aunts/uncles/1st cousins/nieces or nephews)Tier 4 - distant family or co-workers

kikibaby

Ok, so you and FI's list plus your parents = 200 people.  So... you don't want your FMIL to be able to invite anyone?

*BeachBride0410*

Tide has a very good idea.  Follow her tier system. I say that if after that, your FMIL still does not like it....your FI needs to sit down with his parents and tell them they should then contribute some money if they expect all these people to be invited. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Eh, in my family 200 is a normal sized wedding, so I feel you. I'm having 75, which my parents call "intimate."It sounds like your FI is sort of agreeing with his mother, though, and feels duty-bound to invite his relatives.Could you just do a circle? Like only invite first cousins from both families, but draw the line at second cousins? Or not invite children? Or tell FMIL she gets x number of invites and that's it?As for the gift opening brunch, worse things have happened. Maybe see if she'll host it at a restaurant because your parents will be too busy/tired/etc.

AmandaK2010

I agree with you ladies about having a tier or circle system.  The problem comes if I let her invite her aunts and uncles, my dad has 38 aunts and uncles (my grandma had 19 siblings).  I just don't want to get into that level of people. I will talk to my FI again tonight and see if he feels strongly about having these people there.  I texted him and he said the MOG has already told all her relatives to save the date and be ready to come to the wedding.  ARG!  I will most likely end up having these people just to avoid the drama of it all (the only reason the FI wants them there as well).  I may just say she can invited any 80 people she wants and be done with it. As a side note, what % of people decline an invitation? 

polichik

I can see how this would be frustrating.FI and I had to slash our guest list in half, so we needed to tell our FILs that we wouldn't be able to accommodate everyone from their list that they had sent us. However, I have the most wonderful and reasonable FILs in the world, and they were fine with it. However, it also went well because we're splitting our guest list in almost even thirds. My family and his family each get 35 guests, and FI and I get 40. My parents are paying for the whole thing.Even though it's "our" wedding, it's really important to our families. You don't have to do the numbers exactly evenly, but it would be nice if you guys could cut a few people on your list so that each family can have around 25% of the guest list.So, let's say... You and your FI get 100, each family gets 50. If you're comfortable cutting a few more on your list, then distribute it evenly between both families. I find it hard to believe that you and your FI will be excluding closest of the close, lifelong friends after 100 people.

polichik

I will most likely end up having these people just to avoid the drama of it all (the only reason the FI wants them there as well).No, no, no, no NO!Sorry, but PLEASE don't give in for the sake of reducing drama. It sets a horrible precedent, and things with your FMIL will get worse. If you do what she wants now to avoid a headache, who's to say that things will get better once you're married? Setting up house together? Having and figuring out how to raise kids? It's never going to end unless you establish boundaries now.Get your FI to understand how important this is. If he's not willing to stand up to his mother for the sake of your mutual wants (and I'm trusting you that he really is on the same page as you here), you're in for a hell of a ride.

AmandaK2010

Thanks everyone for all your great advice!  I will take this back to my FI tonight and see what he says.  I appreciate the help!!

*BeachBride0410*

WOW how did she have save the dates to send to all these people??? That is mesed up.  She had no right to send save the dates without your knowledge.  Your right, its not her wedding its you and your FI's.  To me its like she is spending your parents' money.  FI needs to grow a back bone and tell you who he wants out of those family members and stand up to his mother. 

AmandaK2010

Beach Bride:  Let me clarify....She didn't SEND save the dates, she just CALLED everyone and told them to save the date.

tidetravel

Ditto Poli on all counts. If a circle system won't work, then you really should look to giving a set number of guests to each side of the family.  Talk to your parents about it, since they are paying.  It may mean that you have to cut the number of "your" invites, but as it stands, it's not fair that you get 125, your parents get 75 and FILs get 0.However you decide to divide the list, FILs should be able to invite some of their friends/family.  Setting a strict number (especially if it's EVEN on both sides) will negate any of the arguments that MIL could come up with.  She will simply have to choose who is important enough to come. 

*BeachBride0410*

Gotcha Amanda, thank  you for the clarification.