Wedding Etiquette Forum
Options

No children

FI and I do not want to have children. Personally, I see nothing wrong with this however it seems over the last week we keep getting asked "Aren't you guys excited to have kids?" "Imagine how cute your babies would look!" I know I am young and we may change our minds but we have an ever growing list of things we want to accomplish before we have children (including me finishing school) and while I know that sounds selfish, its the truth. Better we realize it before anything happens, right? What is the most appropriate response to these inquires? By this point I am ready to tell people we eat babies just so they stop asking us about it.
«1

Re: No children

  • Options
    I hate this.  I really think it's nobody's business and it bugs the CRAP out of me when people ask someone about kids.I don't have an appropriate response because I think it's an inappropriate question.
    image
  • Options
    I am so glad that isn't a post asking how to say 'no children' at a wedding. ::phew::
    image
  • Options
    Sometimes, depending on my mood and the person, I will respond, I can't have children, thanks.It's not a very appropriate answer, but I've used it before. I've also used it when inappropriate heifers ask me if I'm pregnant.
    image
    (Married)meganandshane.weebly.com~
    (Planning)shaneandmegan.weebly.com
  • Options
    "We're not having kids."  Yeah, people will still want details and whatever.  And you'll hear (repeatedly until you want to smash your head into a wall) that you'll change your mind.  But whatever.It's not that big a deal.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • Options
    You really don't have to explain yourself at all...But maybe just say at this point having babies isn't in our futur plan.Or you could say yes we are excited and we plan on having 20 kids!  lol!
  • Options
    Why can't you just say:We have an ever growing list of things we want to accomplish before we have children (including me finishing school).And leave it at that?
  • Options
    Why lie?  Be honest.  "We're not planning on having children."  You don't have to explain intensely personal decisions to people.
    image
    two years!
    after two losses, now happily expecting baby #1 09.16.12
    Pregnancy Ticker
    Brie Fit Blog | BFP Chart
  • Options
    Ugh, the best thing you can do is just be prepared for this to continue and continue and continue.We've been married for just over a year and we've been getting that question since before we were even married.  We went up to see my family this weekend and I was asked multiple times.  It's annoying.  The stock answer I give is that we just aren't ready right now and want to be married for a while before we make any decisions.  That seems to be a good answer because it usually gets an understanding "oh yeah, you have to be ready" stuff like that.  If you really already know you never want kids, it's still probably easier to just keep saying "oh we're not ready to start thinking about that now.  we want to be married for a while before we make any decisions".  Telling people you never want kids inevitably gets the "oh you'll change your mind!!" response.
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    Wow, that's really rude. It's a personal question, but I could see close friends asking you if you want to have kids, but inserting a judgement in it is over the top.With questions like these I like to be noncommital and change the subject, so I'll say something like "we haven't decided yet" or "we're still talking about this"... this is my pat answer for all of the unsolicited personal questions I've received since getting pregnant.I also don't think it's selfish to not want kids. In some ways, the opposite is true.
  • Options
    There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids.  The only reason I'm planning to have kids (someday) is because DH really wants them.  Otherwise, I would be perfectly happy without them.  To those nosy people, just say, "Actually, FI and I are not planning to have kids" or "That's a really personal question" or something.
  • Options
    Depending on the person asking, my mood, etc., my answer might be any of these. . . 1) "No."2) stare, silence, walk away3) "Don't you hate it when people ask very personal, inappropriate questions?"4) "Why do you ask?"5) "I'm sorry, I don't discuss family planning with people."BTW - not selfish to have a list of to-dos before having children, in my opinion.  We very definitely do want to have kids soon, but we've both checked off the things on that list that are important to us.
    DIY & Planning | Married 

    Married: 2010
    Mom to J: 2011
    Mom to H: 2014

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic



    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • Options
    You might want to go into great detail about where you are in your cycle, what type of cervical mucus you have, what your morning temperatures are, when you expect to ovulate, how many ovulation predictor tests you go through every month, when you plan on "doing the deed," nudge nudge wink wink. In other words, share TMI, and you won't ever have to hear this question from the person again.
  • Options
    This whole post is really more of a vent really....his mom knows that we really don't want to and why yet EVERY time we visit her she asks. And asks.
  • Options
    I just hate this question, because for my sister, she lost a child and is unable to have more.  So, when people ask her it brings up a lot of painful feelings for her.  It makes me sad :( I haven't decided, so I actually just say, "Maybe someday" or "we'll see".  It's very non-commital and people don't usually say much more.
    image
  • Options
    I don't think you not wanting to have children is selfish. It's an understanding of what you actually want out of your life, which shows some maturity and forethought. If you want to give a polite answer, I would tell people "Actually, we're not planning on having children." They will ask questions or tell you that you'll change your mind, but that's going to happen regardless. Let them think whatever they have to. There are several rude things you could say too, I'm sure :)
    image
  • Options
    I tell people the world is over populated as it is. If they ask more, I usually just tell them I think kids are annoying. Its what I think. I have told some people that I plan on adopting a 17 year old and kicking them out at 18.. So far, they have left me alone. :) I'm kinda mean like that.
    image Married and Junk.
  • Options
    I get annoyed with this question too! I usually just say "maybe one day, but not any time soon." and leave it at that.
  • Options
    I know that sounds selfishwhy is that?
  • Options
    PS:  I'm 33, and I can't remember the last time I was asked this question.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • Options
    his mom knows that we really don't want to and why yet EVERY time we visit her she asksIf this is the case, I would probably sit down with her and talk about it. I would say something like "I understand that you want grandchildren, but cesar and I do not plan on having children. We don't want to have children because we want to accomplish these things. This is a decision that we have made together and is best for our lifestyle. I'm sorry if you're disappointed about that decision, but we have to do what's best for US and our family. We would appreciate it if you could stop asking these kinds of questions now that you know how we feel." She is being repeatedly rude and nosy. I don't think you have to be mean or rude, but you should be very firm about your position. But, I also have a really open relationship with my MIL, so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable telling her to zip it in a nice way :)
    image
  • Options
    I too answer depending on my mood.  Some people who I dont know well will get a response like, "when DH decides to pop one out for me." Usually, I leave it "we are enjoying our time as a couple so not not any time soon."Then end the conversation by walking away or changing the topic. most people get the hint.
  • Options
    I find most people who ask this question have it ingrained in their head that everyone wants babies and even if they say they dont - they really do. I usually just tell them I want to accomplish more in my life than knowing the words to dora the explorer episodes and having technicolor plastic crap all over my livingroom.
  • Options
    Usually, I leave it "we are enjoying our time as a couple so not not any time soon."Haha, this just brought up another inappropriate answer to my mind, "We just enjoy having sex all over our house whenever we want, kids would seriously cramp that!":D
    image
    (Married)meganandshane.weebly.com~
    (Planning)shaneandmegan.weebly.com
  • Options
    i would just say, "it's not in our immediate future. ask me again in 10 years!" and leave it at that.
  • Options
    If you're not out of school yet, you might be in your really early 20s. Which is too young for kids anyway if you have academic/professional goals to accomplish, IMO. I think I was certain that I didn't want kids when I was that age, but of course I changed my mind. Now I'm 31, and it's something we plan on doing in the next two years or so... My point is that it is highly probable you'll change your mind. But if you don't that's fine, too. In the meanwhile when people ask, just shrug and say, "Oh, that's so far into the future and we have so many other things on our plate now... Did I tell you that Cesar just started a new job?..." And don't take it so personally - most people are just trying to make conversation. About your FMIL, your FI will just have to ask her to lay off ;)
  • Options
    I find most people who ask this question have it ingrained in their head that everyone wants babies and even if they say they dont - they really do. I usually just tell them I want to accomplish more in my life than knowing the words to dora the explorer episodes and having technicolor plastic crap all over my livingroom. ^^^^^OMG THIS! (Thanks Nebb!)  I go to friends/relatives houses and I think, OMG I couldn't take this.We JUST DON'T WANT ANY. I am fortunate enough that at my age (I will turn 40 a few months after the wedding) I can say I'm getting too old. Yeah, it can be done, but my doctor has recommended I don't.  But I hate when people ask. Or when I say "oh, we're not having any" and they say "Yes you are!"  UM, NO I'M NOT. And please don't jinx me.  I might just start saying "UGH! Never! I HATE children!"
    Crosswalk
  • Options
    There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids. The only reason I'm planning to have kids (someday) is because DH really wants them. Otherwise, I would be perfectly happy without them. Ditto. Unfortunately, people will always tell you crap like "babies are a gift from god!" and "You'll change your mind!" and "It's so selfish not to want them!" These are usually the same people who have planned their kids' names since age 5 and want little mini-mes to parade over to their friends' houses. Having kids because they'll be good looking or to see how your genes match up is extremely stupid.There are some child-free support groups online where people basically comisserate about this stuff!
    my read shelf:
    Meredith's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
    40/112

    Photobucket
  • Options
    "Not today!" is my typical response to "When are you guys going to have kids?"  It was also my response when asked (very frequently) "When are you two going to get married?" prior to us getting engaged. 
  • Options
    I really don't understand the "it's selfish not to" mindset.  Isn't it more selfish to have kids?  To bring them into this world just for your own enjoyment?  If I know that I don't WANT to be a parent, then not having kids is the least selfish thing I could do.  It's much worse to have kids you don't really want.
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    I tell them I don't want 'em. And if they ask why, I've gotten to the point of asking back, "When was the last time you asked why someone DID want kids?" That usually stops them.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards