Just musing... friends in crappy relationships

ring_pop

It makes me ache to see friends in crappy relationships.My cousin broke up with her BF back in the summer. He dumped her, blaming her for the failed relationship (for many reasons). She later found out that he was actually cheating on her before he dumped her, and when she confronted him, he told her that the other chick was a "better version" of her.Now she's back together with him. WTF.I had lunch with an old friend this weekend. She's pretty sure her BF is planning to propose in the next few weeks, and she's got lots of doubts but she's planning to say yes mainly because it's the path of least resistance. I hate to sound judgmental but this kind of thing just pains me. It frustrates me to know that there isn't very much I can do to change their minds.Anyone want to share stories about friends in crappy relationships?

crfische

One of my best friends is in a horribly crappy marriage. I tell her this. She knows this. It's hard to watch and makes me super sad.

salt78

Both of those situations are awful. Luckily I don't know anyone now who is in a really terrible relationship, but I'm sure my friends used to say things like that about me when I was with my loser ex.

TiDa2009

I have a friend who isn't in a crappy relationship, but it's depressed because she isn't it one at all.  Sometimes when she drinks, she'll cry and get really depressed that she has no one at her age (she's only 25!) and it's heartbreaking.  All her friends and siblings either got married or are getting married (all in a time span of about 2 years) and it's really getting to her.  It's so hard to try to get her to focus on all the positive things in her life because she has many when she's always focusing on this one thing missing in her life. Not really on topic, but I thought I'd throw it in there anyway.

kdcwedding

Here's a fun one. My great-aunt (her husband was my grandmother's brother), is in her late 70s and is dating a guy in his 50s. They want to get married, and we're all pretty sure he's in it for their property/money. She went to visit my grandmother, and he called 4-5 times a day following up on her, she would run into the other room like a teenager to take the call. He didn't want her to go down to visit my grandmother because "they would go out with other men." He's gotten her so smitten that she is complaining about her dead husband to my grandmother - so she is badmouthing my grandmother's own BROTHER. She is beyond annoyed with the whole situation. We're all puzzled at how someone that age can be so clueless.

Brie2010

My sister isn't in a relationship, but she constantly pursues the wrong guys and has ridiculous standards.  She's 31, but refuses to date any guy that's been previously married or has a kid.  She also won't date anyone who isn't 5'10" or over, or anyone overweight, or who smokes, or has any kind of illness.  (She dumped a great guy because he had well-controlled epilepsy.)  She is basically waiting for Matthew McConaghey to show up at her door.  She basically meets all the guys she attempts to date at trashy clubs and then wonders why they don't want to be in LTRs with her and gets depressed.  I'm all for having standards, but hers are insane and unrealistic.It really makes me sad because she can be really great.

TiDa2009

but it's depressed *but is depressedI'm not sure where that came from.

aMrsin09

A friend of mine has been dating this girl for 6 years.  He found out 2 years ago that she had pretty much been cheating on him the whole time.  He confronted her and they are "working on it".  He won;t leave her becuase he's put so much time into the relationship. This is the same man that has been telling me for at least 3 years (before he found out about the cheating) that he has no plans to marry her beucase she is so irresponsible and he can't count on her to contribute anything to the household.

jamm2019

I have a friend who is also in a crappy marriage.  She knows this, and so do many people.  I think she would be better off without her husband.  He does nothing.  Doesn't work, doesn't help with the kids.  She works(owns her own business), pays all the bills, takes care of the kids, and the house all by herself while he does what he wants, and drinks all the time.  Her thinking is that marriage is forever through thick and thin, and she stands by her vows.  I agree to this for the most part, but he is not showing up for their relationship, and is not there for her in anyway.  It really bothers me to see her in this situation.  It would be no different if she divorced him, but she wouldn't have to carry his looser but around...

Nebb

My best friend is in a relationship with a guy for on and off almost 2 and a half years now. They will date for a few months and he will break up with her because he feels like his work needs to come first, then he will do everything he can to get her back and then pull the same crap again. They have been together solidly for a year now but her parents hate him because he kept hurting her and I dont know why she is still with him. She doubts how serious he is about the relationship and is almost waiting for him to break it off again, she says she will move in with him as long as he either puts the apartment in his name or buys the house on his own and she has no legal commitment to it. I just found out this past week they hit a rough patch because she woke up in the middle of the night and his cell phone got a text when she walked in the room - it was from a girl who lives in his apartment building, texting him about how great it is that her dog isnt at her place so she can sleep naked for once, at 3am. She flipped and told him if he wants out he should do it right then and he didnt, but jesus christ. I really dont know why she doesnt just get over it or get out of the relationship.

kikibaby

TiDa- I have a friend like this, too, and it's so sad.  But, for her, she's 33.  She's into weird dudes, and she does things that make her not seem like "relationship material" to guys, so I feel like she'll be single forever.  I wish I could tell her to choose better guys and make smarter decisions, but I can't.  She definitely gets drunk and cries OFTEN, though.

scoetto

One of my BFFs was in a crappy relationship for 5+ years. We told her this constantly. Their relationship wasn't normal. He worked maybe 3 jobs in the 5 years I've known her. All of those jobs were held for a year total - if even. She supported him, his mom supported him, it was painful to watch. They were engaged for 3 of those years and postponed their wedding twice. He finally broke it off with her the Monday after my wedding reception which he didn't attend. She moved out. Not even a week later he had his 18 year old girlfriend from a city 2 hours away move in. He's 35.

Brie2010

TiDa, your friend and my sister should hang out.

jfgrad06

TiDa, I have a friend that is the same way. He's only 22 though. And unfortuantely, he doesn't even have to be drinking to complain about how horrible he thinks his life is because all his friends are getting married, and having kids, and he can't even find a girlfriend.

Nebb

This isnt my friend but its a long time friend of one of my best friends. He apparently was one of those guys who was just awkward around women and never dated/had sex until he was in his 30's. He met this woman who had 3 kids and was waiting for her divorce to be finalized, and they started dating. During this time her children were taken away because they kept showing up at school with suspicious bruises on them (i dont know what resulted of that), soon after she found out she was pregnant with this guys child. All of his friends told him to get out of it, it isnt good for him, shes just using him (he works a fairly good job, she doesnt work at all), he refused to listen. Found out they were having twins so he proposes to her, her divorce still isnt final. They end up moving into an apartment and have the kids, she in turn decides all of his friends are a bad influence and refuses to let him speak to them and personally deleted them all from his facebook. He will readd them, she will delete them again. He just recently got caught cheating on her with someone else. My friend said it was like watching a horrible trainwreck happening in slow motion.

jadebaby

I have a few friends that are like that. I know some people stay "for the kids" ... And I dont have kids so I dont know first hand... but I would want to be the happiest person I could be for the children. I wouldnt want to be miserable just to stay in the same household as my kids' father. I also have a friend, she was a BM and my BF after HS, who is dating a kid. And when I say kid I mean he seems like a CHILD to me. She is 29, he is almost 20... and (because of some hardships in her life) she has a 14 y.o. son! EWWWW. He is closer to her son's age than hers. I just dont get it. And they have been together for a year.

ScarletGem

One of my friends married a guy who is so excessively dull, and not particularly bright, just because she wanted to get married and didn't really care who the groom was.  Now she's surprised that her home life isn't exactly a fairy-tale...  I'm all for having standards, but hers are insane and unrealistic.This is exactly how a (male) friend of mine is.  He goes after these unobtainable girls (most of whom are already engaged or in an LTR) and then gets depressed when no relationship develops.  Yet when awesome but not-up-to-his-standards girls are begging for his attention, he just ignores them then complains that he can't get a GF.  WTF.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

I have two. My dad is in a crap-tastic relationship. She is literally taking him for everything he has (he's spent the 20K my mom left him from her life insurance to pay for their joint debt that existed before the divorce), he's cashed in his own life insurance policy, and now is getting his house ready to sell (the house we grew up in and love). He can't see that she's only in it for the cash, even though she's told him he has to pick between his family and her, that he can't spend holidays with his family, that her family comes first over everything else, he can't be friends with my mom's family or friends, etc. I've never hated someone so much in my life, and no matter what we say to my dad, he defends her. Even when we're quiet, he defends her.My good friend just started dating a guy who is really into drugs and is only using her to pay for things. He blows her off for dates, or when he does show up, he tells her he wants to take her out and then expects her to pay. She's struggling as it is with money. I've asked her why she puts up with the drugs, and spends money on him. Her response is "Because he likes me!" I feel very sad for her and for what will probably happen between them.

vicmo5

SIL started dating her best friend's dad after she finished high school.  Obviously they aren't friends anymore.  She was with him for almost ten years before she finally broke up with him.  He was such a loser.  She practically supported him and they never went out and did anything because he was so freaking old.  She and her mom didn't talk the whole time she was with him, and he wasn't allowed to go to her dad's side for holidays.  Everyone hated him and everyone told her constantly that she was an idiot.  She finally moved out because his teenage daughter moved in with them and was a huge brat.  Thank goodness because I'm convinced she'd still be with that loser if not for that.Now she's engaged to be married to a super nice guy, but he's significantly older than her too (and she's cheated on him and he cheated on his wife with her).  His oldest child from a previous marriage is in college.  SIL is pregnant now, and his kids are insanely pissed about it.

megk8oz

My one friend has been dating the same guy for the past 8 years. They just got engaged this past April. I had very strong suspicions of him cheating on her for a while (He was constantly hanging out with their mutual female "friend" while my friend was at work, started "working" these really strange hours, and became notorious for "forgetting" to turn his phone on ... could have all been the truth but it seemed just "not right" to me) since I never had any hard proof, I kept my mouth shut, KNOWING that if I had something real to go off of, I'd be at my friend's door so fast his head would spin. She never seemed to think anything was odd about his behavior during that time frame. They are BOTH really is big into the "Couples need to not be around each other" thing. They fight a lot, and after all these years, they actually STILL will just "not speak" for a week or so when they have an arguement ... which is usually over something stupid. Anyway, now that they're engaged, they're slowly starting to plan. At first I thought this was because they couldn't really afford a wedding (They will be paying for most of it themselves), which yeah, why pick out everything NOW if the wedding isn't for another 2 or 3 years? I was out with my friend a few weeks ago (Mind you, my own wedding is in like 2 months now) and she said "I'm kind of glad we're expected to pay for everything. This way, I don't have to get married for another 5 or 6 years. Everybody I know that got married in the past few years is totally miserable. I've got things I need to do before my 'life is over'". And then proceeded to tell me about her "Bucket List" that she has before she walks down the aisle. WTF?

jfgrad06

Hey Scarlet, I'm pretty sure we are friends with the EXACT same guy.

TiDa2009

TiDa- I have a friend like this, too, and it's so sad. But, for her, she's 33. She's into weird dudes, and she does things that make her not seem like "relationship material" to guys, so I feel like she'll be single forever.My friend does stuff like that, too.  She's always pushing people away for dumb reasons and will likely be single forever because of it.  She does want to be in a relationship soooo bad, but she has ridiculous standards and it's (obviously) hard for her to find someone that fits them.

Pirata13

OMG!  YES!  I was just thinking about this yesterday to be honest, because I have 2 friends I just want to shake right now.  Because I have been there and made the same mistakes and these 2 are girls I never thought would fall for the BS and put up with it.  One is my best friend/MOH and I think she still pines for her ex who is a total d-bag. She was the only one ever to compromise for their relationship and he's very anti-social.  The big kicker was when I found out he would make racial jokes around her. She is black, he is white.  And for whatever reason, he thinks he can make jokes around her and it's ok. Apparently him, his brother and mom (who is BSC anyway) are racist. Nice. One day he really upset her and it was only then she told me he makes these "jokes" all the time.  That was the end of it for me, I was like fuuuuck him.  I'm like why do you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you.  AT ALL. My other friend had posted on FB this weekend that her bf was MIA--she'd left a Halloween party early and he stayed. Then was MIA for a day.  We were all basically saying "You know my opinion..." (this isn't the first time he's done something shady). And once he resurfaced, she posted and said to all of us "I forgave him, he needs our support. I DO LOVE HIM.  I told him I hope it doesn't happen again. I choose to be with him even if 'he doesn't deserve me' or 'I can do better'." And I have been there, I know how this is going to turn out.  I hate seeing people make the same mistakes I did. I really wanted to say "You should have told him it better not happen again, and if it does, you're done." But she loooooves him.  Sigh....

AnneAndJJ

I'm one of those girls who has no girlfriends to speak of. All of my friends are farm boys, and while I love them to death, rarely do any of them have healthy relationships. One guy was recently with this girl (and was for a few months), and when she was around, he basically said nothing at all. He couldn't be himself, but he was smitten with her because she liked him. She was a controlling, religious freak, and totally opposite of him. I have never been so happy to see a couple break up as I was when they broke up (although I'm not convinced it's over for good). Another friend went back and forth with this high school girl for nearly 2 years. It was horrible. They didn't like each other, she was constantly mean to him (we believe she may actually be bi-polar), but they stayed together for the sex. She was controlling, manipulative (not that he was much better...he was always looking for a new girl), awful. Even when they would break up, they'd continue seeing one another. It really breaks my heart when my friends are in crappy relationships, because they never see it, and it's so sad.

SarahPLiz

My BFF from HS has been married 8 yrs and has a 4 yr old. She had a horrible time getting pregnant and he was a premie and now has a sensory processing disorder on the autism scale. She works 1 or 2 days a week and takes care of him FT. Her H works offshore, on and off as the market allows. He is gone for weeks at a time somehow. They were having major communication problems, and she was getting no help from him with the kiddo. One day her ex from HS (also married, with 2 kids, wife already hates BFF) called her and they reminisced and ended up hooking up. Long story short, she got pregnant and miscarried (before she knew she was pg) and they continued to sleep together when her H was offshore, with no protection. Its over now, she and H have reconciled and are working things out, but she still talks about him and it makes me want to slap her. I am so sorry she has trouble making responsible, emotionally intelligent decisions, but I am glad I have had her to learn "what not to do" from all these years.