FMIL Vent

mich2640

I know I am probably going to get flamed for this,  but I need to vent and get some perspective. My FMIL has a reputation with everyone as being bossy and opinionated, and the wedding has been no exception. I used to stick up for her and say that she is not that bad, but now even I am at the point where I just cant take it any more.   The latest is that she decided to go ahead and buy stuff for a candy buffet without asking us first. Of course, from the outside this seems like a really generous thing to do. However, I’m pissed that she didn’t ask us about it first, and all the candy she bought is in random colors and does not go with our blank & white theme. I love candy buffets but I am afraid ours is just going to look weird and out of place.  Then, to top it off we are 9 days away from the wedding and she tells me I need to come over and help her put it all together. So, I tell her a few days when I am free and of course none of them work for her. I’m at a loss. I am busy with other last minute things and she just doesn’t get it. She is the type of person who is very worried about appearances, but has no regard for the opinions of her own family. I don't even think she knows where we are going on our honeymoon bc she is too busy trying to impress her friends, she hasn't even thought to ask us.  I guess I am just going to have to suck it up and let her do whatever she wants but I am so mad. FI can’t deal with her without it turning into a huge argument so I am avoiding having him get involved at all. I know this is not the end of the world, and maybe I am just extra sensitive since the wedding is so close but I really can't deal with her any more.

Hello Sunshine

Please, count your blessings if a candy buffet is the biggest of your worries at 9 days out.  Do you really believe that your FMIL bought that "wrong" candy to upset you, or to ruin the colour scheme of your wedding?

Simply Fated

Well, the candy buffet thing is simple... Either you or your fiance can just pick it all up from her.. and you and he can sit down and do it together. There is no reason for her to be making your candy buffet, especially since you don't like how she is doing it so far.If your fiance can't "deal with her" now, he never will.. and this kind of stuff with her is never going to end. If it was your mother driving him crazy, would you step in and do something about it? If the answer is yes, then the same rules should apply to him.

wadingmoose

I think the brightly coloured candy will be a fantastic counterpoint to the black and white of your theme.  Seriously.  The rest isn't really a big deal.  You couldn't mesh your schedules.  That happens.  A lot.  However, last weekend, I made time to spend an afternoon with my FMIL and FSIL doing stuff for the wedding together.  Those last minute things that needed to get done were done in a couple of hours and the rest of this week is super simple.

SarieP

The only think I really got out of your rant is that FMIL is too involved and FMIL is not involved enough, which obviously is contradictory.  If you don't want her candy, don't use it.  If you don't want her involved in stuff, why are you worried about her not knowing where you are going on your honeymoon?  You sound a little unbalanced.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

1. NO ONE notices the color scheme of a candy buffet. It's free candy. They're either really high on sugar, or they just don't care.2. Have you ever told her to back off (nicely)? It doesn't sound like it, so she probably just assumed she was helping you out by purchasing the candy. 3. Do you think she should drop her schedule for your wedding? You want her to respect your days off, but you are expecting her to cancel her plans just because they don't work for you. You have to look at things from both perspectives.If you really can't work out a time to get together between now and the wedding, let the candy buffet be her thing. See comment #1 if you have reservations about that.4. If you're worried about her knowing where you're going for your HM, why don't you just tell her? Instead of wasting your time worrying about when she will ask and being mad that she hasn't, just spit it out. Then she'll know, and you'll have one less thing to stress about.

cougarette

I agree, the wrong color for the candy buffet is not the end of the world. Why do you care if she knows or even cares where you're going on your honeymoon?  Just go and enjoy yourselves. Also, please don't copy and paste since it makes the text hard to read.

tidetravel

Write this off to being wedding-stress sensitivity, and remember this in the future.  If she has a reputation for being bossy and opinionated, there's probably a reason.All in all, don't let it upset you.  A colored candy buffet will not look odd or out of place.  Most of your guests will just be happy to have candy ;)If you can't go over to help set up, tough.  She'll have to do it herself.  Chillax.  It will be over soon.

laurenclaire1386

If she's been bossy and controlling during your wedding planning (the amount of money she's contributing to the event should dictate how much control she has, and it sounds like she's paying) then imagine how your married life will be.  You, FI, and her may need to have a little conversation about her making decisions about your life without consulting you.  And at the end of the day, it is just a candy buffet, but it kind of speaks volumes about how she's going to treat the two of you as a married couple.

LauraT25

First let me say that I understand your frustration, so my next few comments are not meant to flame you but rather try and help you gain a different perspective so you can cope with the situation better.A lot of moms are really big on appearances and showing off to their friends when it comes to the weddings of their children.  It's something I don't understand personally, but it's very common in some circles and while that's not an excuse, it's just something you have to deal with.  Remember, a lot of other brides have had to deal with it too.As for the candy buffet - yes, it is annoying and inconvenient when people do things without consulting you, particularly if it comes off as some kind of power play.  However, since you can't really know her intentions, it's easiest if you just tell yourself she was doing it to be nice and ignore whatever ulterior motives are going on, since it's out of your control and it's been done.  Be gracious and thank her.  And in this particular instance, I think it will be fine if it doesn't match your theme entirely - candy is colorful, I don't think anyone will notice that it's not all black and white (and that might even look a little weird).  If it's the containers that don't match your theme, there's probably something you can do, like cover them, add a ribbon, something.  And if not, again, it's part of a candy buffet so a little color will be fine.  You have to remember that no one will notice the little details like you will - no one walks into your wedding and critiques how well your color scheme fits.  It seems like this won't be a blatant 'clash' and you'll be able to make it work.So take a deep breath.  FMILs can be a real PITA, but this woman is going to be in your family forever so it's really better for everyone if you can at least make your end of the relationship as amiable as possible.  Give her the benefit of the doubt, and even if you're positive it's not the case, tell yourself she's trying to do things in your best interest because that's how to stay sane.  And you can come here and rant as much as you like if it keeps you from bottling up negativity and blowing up at someone IRL.  Hang in there!

mich2640

I know, I know, no one will care about the colors of the candy. The thing is that I care and she didn't even consider involving me. This is just one of the many examples of how she has been driving me crazy. The honeymoon thing was just an example of how she doesn't act like she cares about whats going on with us, and only cares about what her friends will think of the wedding. I dont care if she knows where we are going, I just wish she would be interested in something about us and not just the wedding. FI really can't talk to her and has basically given up. I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that we will never have a great relationship with her.

Hello Sunshine

FWIW, 9 days out from my wedding:- My own mother, who had been bashing me and putting me down for several weeks, told me that I "wasn't the daughter she raised", she "failed as a mother", she's "ashamed" of me.- My FI (now, DH) freaked out under stress and told me I had two days to get rid of my dog.  We barely talked for 3 days.  Looong story, but yes, of course I still have my dog.I cried, every day and night, for several weeks leading up to my wedding.  When the day finally came, the only thing that mattered was that I was marrying the man I love.  Step back and take a look at the big picture.  NONE of this really matters.  You're getting married in 9 days, take some time to relax and don't let this stuff stress you out.

georgia_bride09

Honestly, at this stage, just let her deal with the candy by herself and call it a day. Since your colors are B&W, I don't think colored candy will look that weird. Having said that, you really need to lay some ground rules with your FI and your FMIL in the future. He needs to learn how to deal with her without fighting. Otherwise, you'll have to deal with her shiit for the rest of your life. As for the HM-- my MIL thought it was funny to joke about showing up at ours (she constantly made jokes about it), so consider yourself lucky. She is now constantly joking about being on our anniversary cruise too. Not funny.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

LOL, GA. My MIL said the same thing about our honeymoon.No one knew where we were going (except my dad) until we had already cancelled the trip. And the only reason we told my dad was in case we died in a plane crash or something. He might notice we were missing after a few months.

SarieP

I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that we will never have a great relationship with her. In that case, you need to accept it for what it is an move on.  You can't change her.

mich2640

Thanks for all the responses. I actually feel a little better. I am sure there will be many other issues with her in the future but we are just going to have to learn how to handle it calmly. Oh and she is not paying for the wedding - we are paying for it ourselves.   

sarabellam

It is candy. Really. It's just candy. If I saw a candy buffet with only black and white candy, I'd probably skip it in fear that all of the black candy would be licorice flavored (YUCK!!!). If your FI "can't" deal with her, be prepared for this to set the tone for your entire marriage. This WON'T change after the wedding. If you have children, it will probably get worse. Are you prepared for this?

ring_pop

I agree with moose, I think coloured candy would look really cool at your wedding. If you're too busy to get together with her to put it together, just tell her sorry, you don't have the time but you appreciate all of the effort she's putting into it. If it doesn't get done, just let it go. A candy buffet is not a necessity... and besides, if she bought it and cares that much about what her friends will think, I bet she'll get it done regardless of you. This may be little comfort but I've found that it's VERY common for parents to want to use their kids' weddings to impress people. I guess it's a sign that they've succeeded as a parent? I don't really get it, but maybe one day I will. Just be thankful that it will be over soon.I don't really get your beef with the honeymoon issue.

zitiqueen

I am sure there will be many other issues with her in the future but we are just going to have to learn how to handle it calmly.And by "we" you mean "you," right? You've already said that your FH refuses to stand up to mommy. So for the rest of your life, it's all going to be on you. Which you know ahead of time and are willingly signing up for anyway. Remember that.

JaimeeP

She should have checked with you first, but the colored candy will look fine at your black and white wedding. You should tell her that she will have to put it together, if she wants it, because you do not have time. The candy buffet might  keep her out of trouble for awhile.